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Dokja has been acting odd.
Jonghyuk first noticed this when he was playing his video games on a Sunday afternoon.
He heard a few knocks on his door that he replied with a ‘come in’ as he focused on playing his game.
He didn’t need to look to know who had entered his room. He heard footsteps coming towards him, which he pretended not to hear. The person stood beside him for a few minutes, and then, on not receiving any attention, the person sat on Jonghuk’s lap and put their hands around his neck.
"You don’t even have a stream today; can’t you give some attention to your lover?"
Jonghyuk remained silent and continued playing his game without ever sparing a glance at the adorable pout his Dokja made.
‘Tick, tick, tick.’
Silence filled the room with only the clock’s ticking audible
. ‘Hm, what? Why is he silent?’
He expected his Dokja to pull out some unexpected moves to get attention, like always. (Some weeks back, when Jonghyuk didn’t reply, Dokja suggested that they should play a game in which Jonghyuk would continue playing his video game and Dokja would try to distract him. Well, Dokja did pull out some unhanded methods and Jonghyuk lost very badly as he dropped his gaming console and they started having a make-out session).
‘sigh'
… What? Did he just hear a sigh? From Dokja??
“Fine, you can continue playing I will read my updated novels.”
Then he heard his room door shut. Jonghyuk took some time to process whatever the fuck happened.
Jonghyuk has been dating Dokja for six months now. He was in love with Dokja since they were 13 years old, but Dokja was too oblivious to notice. He confessed to him at the age of 20 and got a yes as a response. (Jonghyuk prayed to all gods in existence that morning for a ‘yes’ even though he was not religious). To Jonghyuk, Dokja was adorable and he would kill anyone who said yes (because he is too jealous) or no (because he isn’t accepting any insult towards him).
He had never heard Dokja sigh.
The next time he noticed Dokja’s odd behavior was on Tuesday, 23rd August.
It was 9 pm, Jonghyuk was ending his stream. He waved at his viewers and said
“That’s it for today, good night.” And clicked the ‘end’ button on the bottom right corner of the screen.
‘I am going to cuddle Dokja all night long,’ he thought as he stretched his arms and walked towards his room door to open it only to find
– Dokja, sitting outside his room just beside the door with his head on his knees, the skin below his eyes red showing signs of crying.
Dokja… was crying?
A train of thoughts ran inside Jonghuk’s head. His heart felt like it had been stabbed.
‘Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?’
‘Why was he crying alone while sitting outside? Was he waiting for my stream to finish? Did he think my stream meant more than his? Why did he not come in? Why?’
He could see the dark shadows under Dokja’s eye, his thin arms covering his head.
‘Is he eating properly? I didn’t starve him, right?’
Jonghyuk felt dizzy. He tried to calm himself by drinking a glass of water;
it seemed that Dokja had fallen asleep. Jonghyuk bridal carried Dokja to their room and tucked him into the bed. Jonghyuk came outside the room to switch off the living room and kitchen lights.
When he returned to the room, he could hear a low voice.
“Ah, did I fall asleep?”
“… Yes, but are you fine? Did something happen at work?”
“… No, I am fine.” said Dokja with a smile.
‘That smile is fake. He is not fine.’
“… okay, if you say so.” Though Jonghyuk knew the truth, he couldn’t say it.
Jonghyuk then switched off the room lights and proceeded to cuddle Dokja. He was very warm and comfortable. Jonghyuk just silently wished that Dokja would share his problems and not face them alone.
After that day, Dokja had been distant. Jonghyuk was not doubting Dokja falling out of love. They had developed enough mutual trust for such a childish thought. It was just that, there were fewer kisses and cuddles, Dokja didn’t talk about himself anymore or share opinions.
‘No, it is like Dokja is hesitating. He is hesitating to share more.’
-----
‘What if he thinks you are annoying like all your past lovers?’
‘He isn’t like that.’
‘You said that last time as well.’
A voice had been haunting Dokja for a month now. It whispers all kinds of situations that he knew he had thought of before.
‘What if you cross the line around you and he gets tired of you?’
‘No, that won’t happen'
‘What makes you so sure?’
‘…’
‘Remember how close you got to Minwoo and he abandoned you?’
‘No stop! please!’
He woke up gasping, and tears rolling down his cheeks. He covered his ears with his palms to prevent anything from being heard. Then, as he started calming down, he saw his beloved Jonghyuk sleeping peacefully beside his. He kissed his forehead and left the room.
‘click’
---
When Jonghyuk woke up, it was still dark outside. He quickly glanced at the clock and realized it's still 5 am. He rubbed his eyes and yawned and got closer to Dokja to cuddle his back again, only to find Dokja missing
. He checked the spot Dokja slept for any trace of him. It was warm, which means Dokja didn’t leave too long back. Jonghyuk stood up and walked to the living room.
He found Dokja sitting on the couch, scrolling through his phone.
‘He is probably reading web novels’ thought Jonghyuk as he walked up to his lover.
“Can’t sleep?” asked Jonghyuk in a low voice.
He saw Dokja startle at the voice and look up at him. “Yes, kind of”
Jonghyuk sat beside him and thought of the things he could say to make Dokja comfortable. He knew that lack of communication was one cause of a bad relationship, but he didn’t know what to talk about.
‘What if I tell him how much I love him? Would, then he feel comfortable and share his problems instead of facing them alone?’ And so Jonghyuk started the conversation containing everything he ever wanted to say to his lover but never had the courage.
“I have never been in a relationship, nor have I had close friends to show affections. My parents often told me, that if I want someone’s affection, I have to show my affection for them. I did not understand. Then I met you, who I wanted to cherish forever, love you so much that if u hated yourself at some point in life, you will begin loving yourself, love you so much that you will forever smile without ever being sad. I do not know why have you been distant lately, and I thought of giving you some space but I needed to tell you, that I am sorry if it looked like I took your love for granted because I never started a conversation or showed my affections outwardly, but… I love you, now and forever.”
… silence filled the room.
‘ Why isn’t he replying?’
Jonghyuk mustered up all his courage and looked up to see Dokja’s face.
Plop. Plop. Plop.
Tears started rolling down Dokja’s cheek, which wet his hoodie.
Jonghyuk could swear he felt his heart skip a beat. He had never seen Dokja cry, and it pained him so much to see it.
He hugged Dokja tightly and patted his back.
“Shh it’s alright, it’s alright. I am here. I am here to listen.”
“Ah Jonghyuk-ah, there is this voice inside my head which tells me you will leave me, I want it to stop. Please. It hurts so much. I am tired of it, please.”
Said Dokja while sobbing and rubbing his eyes.
‘Stupid Yoo Jonghyuk, why did you think Dokja was doing alright in the relationship? Didn’t you already know everyone needs confirmation of love?’
Jonghyuk wiped his tears and kissed his eyelids.
“Honey, you know very well that will not happen. I will cherish and stay with you forever. I will hold you tight and give you so much love that neither you nor the voices will doubt my love for you ever again”.
Dokja continued sobbing for a while and Jonghyuk continued hugging him tight and patting his back while whispering comforting words. After a while, Dokja murmured something which Jonghyuk didn’t catch properly
“I am sorry, I didn’t hear that. Can you repeat what you said?”
“Say you love me again,” said Dokja in a low voice, his ears and face red.
Jonghyuk smiled and whispered into Dokja’s ear, which made Dokja shiver,
“I love you, and I will say that again and again until you are tired of it.”
“I won't ever be tired of it, silly!” said Dokja as he kissed Jonghyuk on his lips, slipping the tongue in, which startled Jonghyuk but he soon regained his composure and kissed his lover back but this time more passionately.
And the lovers had a very intimate night.