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The evening before the doomed day had come.
The day of his marriage.
Alec knew he should have been at the Institute, fussing over the last preparations, checking if everything was ready to welcome the Clave envoys, helping Izzy to decorate the hall, talking to the caterers, making sure that an adequate number of bedrooms were ready to let the guests rest before and after the reception.
This marriage had obviously been quite rushed, taking advantage of Lydia’s presence in New York, which couldn’t last more than a few days; after that she had to come back to Idris to deal with her assignments. She held a respectable position in the ranks of the Clave – the reason why, Alec was aware of that – he had proposed to her, and that meant also she had no marriage leave.
In less than a week everything had happened or was going to happen: first meeting, proposal, celebration.
And consummation.
Which Alec dreaded the most, since he was pretty sure he could never, ever have sex with a woman. As the fateful event came closer, Alec wondered if he could fulfill Lydia’s expectations. He did suspect she knew he wasn’t exactly into girls, but she deserved to be respected and cherished, and to be able to bear the children she wished for, and Alec didn’t want to deny her that. Yet he didn’t know how to give her that either, and this thought had continuously tickled his brain the whole day.
He had brought himself to this marriage fully aware of its implications. He had made the rational choice to tie his life and destiny to a smart beautiful woman, who will help him to uplift the Lightwood name and who’s going to be a great business partner, since sooner or later his parents were going to retire and leave him and his wife the leading of the New York Institute, that was, he couldn’t forget, the biggest one of the US and one of the biggest all over the world. A huge liability Alec was ready to take, an assignment Alec had been dreaming of all his life long. But he needed a spouse for that: big institutes were traditionally ruled by a married couple. Alec was okay with that: as soon as his spouse wasn’t a woman.
Stop daydreaming, Lightwood! he said to himself.
And suddenly he felt an overwhelming desire to be outside, to breathe some fresh air instead of the steal atmosphere of the Institute. To stop listening to his mother’s complaints, to Izzy’s questions about what color he would choose for the curtains in the ceremony hall, to the tailor’s predicaments about the last adjustments he had to do on his tux…
ENOUGH!
Enough of that.
A fire message reached him.
He picked it up already fearing – or hoping for – a last minute mission which could distract him from the impending disaster that was going to crash onto his life in a while; it was written in a surprisingly elegant and flourishing handwriting, nothing to deal with the official, dull printed characters of the Clave’s orders. It was an invitation from Magnus Bane, who declared he would be “honored” to have a brief conversation with the soon-to-be Head of the Institute, provided that he was off duty the current night.
At his place. His loft.
Alec wondered which could be an appropriate answer, and was on the verge of politely declining the invitation. But, what the hell, he was sick and tired of being here in the Institute, and to be honest he wanted to talk with Magnus, explain to him his reasons for committing himself to this marriage, make him understand that maybe – maybe – he would have loved to date him, to try the unthinkable, but that he couldn’t afford to go against everything he was taught since he was a child and against what everyone was expecting from a good shadowhunter, and a Lightwood, especially.
So he draw a speed rune and headed the loft.
°°
“Hello, Magnus, you wrote you needed to talk to me” Alec called, entering the dark loft.
Magnus appeared, flawless and stylish as usual.
“Nice to see you, Alec. I wasn’t sure you’d come” he said handing Alec a cup of wine. “You know how I hate to drink alone”.
Alec scoffed. “I’m not here to drink”.
“Well, then, let’s say we never really finished our conversation after Izzy’s trial. About your wedding”
”There’s no conversation to be had. I’m getting married. I’m a shadowhunter, this is about family and tradition, honor…”
“Honor? – Magnus retorted – Where’s the honor in living a lie? What about love, instead? Even shadowhunters fall in love, Alec. Just tell me you’re in love with Lydia, and I’ll stop”.
Alec looked abashed. “I…don’t know. Why do you keep pushing? You’re confusing me” he stammered, and headed the door.
Magnus grabbed his arm to stop him. “Confusion is part of it. That’s how you find out if something’s there. Emotions are never black and white, they’re more like..symptoms”.
He started to slowly circle Alec, whispering.
“You lose your breath every time they enter a room”.
He snapped his fingers and Alec unconsciously raised his hand to his heart.
“Your heart beats faster when they walk by”.
“Your skin tingles when they stand close enough to feel their breath” he said, softly blowing towards Alec’s neck. “I know you feel what I feel, Alec”.
Alec sighed. “You don’t have any clue what I feel, so back off”. He made some steps towards the exit, then he came back. “Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? – he painfully added, on the verge of tears – I have to do what I’m expected to. I could lose my family, my career, everything. You just don’t get it?”
“You have a choice to make, Alec. I won’t ask again”.
Those words struck Alec like one of his arrows straight into his heart.
He was tempted.
To taste freedom. To be himself without hiding. To be brave and get a hint of what he never had, and he wasn’t likely to have anymore, a relationship. To feel what being truly appreciated meant. To try find true love.
But he knew he couldn’t have what he wanted. That was his destiny. To uplift the Lightwood name his parents had dragged into the mud. To be the shadowhunter he was expected to be. And never, NEVER, think of a same-sex relationship, something he couldn’t even confess to himself.
He approached Magnus timidly, hoping he didn’t push him away.
“Magnus, I know you know. I’m telling you you’re right. You know the reasons why I proposed to Lydia, and my…confused feelings towards you. I’d give my life willingly to try something different with you, but my life is not mine, it belongs to my duty, to the Clave, to my parents. I’m a soldier, Magnus, and a soldier does what he’s expected or ordered to do”.
Alec started to feel tears pricking his eyes. He looked at Magnus intensely.
“If you do have some feelings for me, Magnus, please offer me a gift. Something I will bring with me my whole life, until my last breath. Kiss me. Please. Let me taste what I could have. It won’t be my regret, it will be my strength to go on, knowing I was the first choice for someone, once”.
Under that gaze Magnus staggered. He raised a hand to cup Alec’s face.
“I’ll always regret what I could have with you, Alexander. Please, think about it, think thoroughly before ruining the lives of three people. None of us deserves that. But I will kiss you, if you truly desire so”.
And leaning into him, Magnus touched Alec’s lips with his. Gently, first, then deepening the kiss, and Alec responded, until they had to part for breathing. Alec’s eyes were closed; he sighed, his lips tingling, then he lowered his hands he unconsciously had laid onto Magnus’ hips, turned on his heels and ran away.
While collapsing on the couch, Magnus numbly heard Alec’s quick steps down the stairs, until the main door slammed shut.