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Lena's a coward.
She knows this. Lex has always known it, Lillian too, and used it against her every chance they could. She's a coward and she's weak, and she couldn't come face to face with Kara, and tell her about her decision to go back to Ireland.
Lena knows telling her in person would be the right thing, a step in rebuilding their relationship, but the image of Kara's broken expression is enough to chase the idea right out of her mind. No, her heart couldn't take it.
Then there's the fact that Lena would have most likely given up on her quest if Kara's upper lip quivered ever so lightly, let alone if Kara cried - no, that particular conversation had to be had via phone. For both of their sakes.
The thought of abandoning her so quickly after they'd finally gotten her back is not something Lena wishes to linger on, even if she knows Kara probably won't begrudge her for chasing her own family; no, Kara would probably be heart-wrenchingly understanding and urge her to go - but Lena knows Kara, knows her inside out - the blonde will be heartbroken. Lena can only hope that the presence of their friends will be enough to ground her.
A part of her, the selfish, egoistical part of her is, terrifyingly enough glad - pleased that Kara will feel so strongly about her departure, in spite of what happened to them over the course of last year, reassured in the strength of their bond even after months of adversity and silence. The other, much bigger part of Lena is repulsed by her own thoughts, that a part of her thrills in causing her pain is unthinkable, something that must be sealed away in one of her little boxes. Especially after the ordeal the superhero went through, the last thing she deserves is losing another person, no matter how temporarily.
Heart busily pounding away in her chest with that in mind, she presses the call button. In her mind, she counts the seconds it rings for, desperate to focus on something other than the coming conversation. It doesn't even take two rings, before Kara's voice greets her.
"Hey, Lena!" she greets, and Lena can basically see the beaming smile on her face, which makes the guilt hang even heavier in her stomach. She'll be the reason for Kara's smile dropping, for her eyes losing some of their glow.
"Hello, darling. How are you feeling?"
It takes a second too long for Kara to answer, confirming Lena's suspicions that the blonde isn't doing as well as she claims she is. "I'm fine, just working on an article for Andrea."
For a moment, Lena considers calling her out on it. That someone who's gone through what she had wouldn't be fine after such a short period of time, but she quickly gives up on it. It wouldn't be fair to Kara, to get her to admit to not being okay after all, and just disappear to Ireland instead of helping her with it. Still, she makes a mental note to talk to Alex about it.
"Glad to hear it. Tell me if she's giving you trouble."
"Yeah, will do. Is there something you wanted? Do you want to come over and watch Grease?"
Christ. Lena knew she shouldn't have let Kara initiate small talk. She should have opened with her reason for calling her, and now because she's a coward, she'll disappoint her twice in one call.
Shoulders stiffening, she answers. "Afraid not, darling. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to Ireland."
"Oh." Kara falls silent on the line, processing the information. "Like on vacation?"
"No. I think seeing you with your father, it made me realise what I've been missing for so long. I need to go back to Ireland and try to do the same with my family, if there's any to be found. If anything, I could use the closure even if I don't find them." she admits, voice stuttering for a moment before she regains control of it. Wouldn't do them much good if she started crying in the middle of the call.
The silence extends for a few beats, and Lena's starting to think that it was a bad idea. Really, she could postpone it, go to Ireland after Kara regains some equilibrium. If her family's dead, whether she goes now or a few months later wouldn't change anything.
"Oh, that's really good, Lee." Kara says, "I'm really happy you've decided to do something about it." Unknowingly, Kara used her supergirl-voice, and Lena immediately realises that she's not as okay with it as she claims, but of course, sweet, self-sacrificing Kara tries to reassure her anyway.
"I'm really sorry, Kara." she mumbles, eyes glossy and throat burning with the effort of holding back tears. "I never meant to abandon you, especially after everything with the Phantom Zone, please believe me when I say that it was never my intention."
There's a sigh on the other side of the line. "Lena." Kara begins, no traces of her supergirl voice left, "You don't have to apologize to me for my own abandonment issues. You need to sort out things with your mom, why should you hold back from what you need, just because I might get a little sad?"
She lets out a wet little chuckle, "Okay that's a lie, I'll miss you like crazy, but it would be unfair to you for me to demand you put me and my feelings first. I have Alex and the rest of our friends, I'll be fine. You need to do what's best for you."
Lena Luthor is reminded, once again, of just how much Kara cares. There's no other being on the planet who would put aside their own needs so readily, just so she could spare Lena's feelings.
"I'll miss you too," she confesses, tears now freely falling down her cheeks. "I'll try to text and call you as much as possible, we can even have movie nights on videocall, though it wouldn't be the same without you trying to steal the croutons from my salad."
"Hey! It's not my fault that's the only edible part of your salads!" Kara's indignant protest manages to bring forward a smile from Lena, and she decides not to confess how she only adds croutons for Kara to take. "How long will you be there for, anyway?" she asks, voice hesitant and clearly anxious about the answer. Kara herself knows that looking for one's family isn't an affair that can be finalized in a week's time.
"I'm not sure," she answers, fingers resting on her forehead, fighting the oncoming headache she's sure her crying will result in. "I don't want to give you an estimate, and then not come back by then."
"Yeah, I get it." Kara sighs. "Um, would you maybe, don't feel pressured to say yes, but would it be okay for me to visit you from time to time, if it becomes too much?" the pitch of her voice is too high, a tell-tale sign of her nervousness, and Lena's sort of amazed that she even asked; it also serves to worry her, just how bad Kara's mental state must be if she's willing to actually ask.
"There's nothing I'd like more, darling. It'll make it much more bearable. The perks of knowing your identity, right?"
"What, the constant danger and worrying wasn't enough for you?" she asks, clearly amused.
Lena lets out a mournful sigh. "I have to go now, darling, but please, promise me you'll call me or fly over if you need anything. No matter the hour."
"Same goes for you too, Lena. Sans the flying, of course. Though you do have a private jet so I imagine you could fly over as well-" Lena's lips curl into a smile as another Kara Danvers rant makes itself known, a part of Kara she missed for a long time. Just as she settled back into the seat, intent on letting Kara ramble for as long as she needed to. (she suspected this rant was at least a little bit on purpose, a method of prolonging their call, not that Lena's complaining), her driver knocks on the glass partition, letting her know they've arrived at the airport.
"Darling, I really have to hang up now, but I'll call you when I land, okay?"
"Yeah," the excitement that colored Kara's voice as she ranted is gone now, her tone crestfallen. "Goodbye, Lee. Be safe, okay?"
"You too, darling. I'll call you soon."
Neither one of them makes a move to end the call, and Lena just focuses on Kara's uneven breathing, which she suspects is synchronized with her own. She's never been good at goodbyes, much less with Kara, who was always a single call away.
The driver knocks again, and it shakes her out of her reverie. She takes one last look at Kara's smiling face, and ends the call, even more determined to find her mother, if only so she could come back to Kara sooner.