Chapter Text
„Audrey, I don’t know how many times I have tried to call you or sent you a text. This is my last message. If you don’t answer this one or my next call which will be in ten minutes, I’ll get on the next flight and be there in no time. I’m pretty worried. Claire.”
Audrey stared at the message on her phone, she had gotten it exactly nine minutes ago. Since she knew Claire and how much she cared for her, she knew that she had only sixty seconds left, before Claire would call again. She had to get herself together and answer this damn upcoming phone call, if she didn’t actually want her former resident to get on a plane and risk the job she had taken just a few days ago.
Lim sighed, she wasn’t sure anymore, if it had been a good idea to charge her phone this morning, though she knew if she hadn’t, Claire would be here in two days’ time anyway.
“3…2…1… and here we go”, she whispered, and was right. Exactly ten minutes after she had gotten the last text, her phone rung.
She sat up in her bed, took a deep breath, wiped away the tears and put a smile on her face, of course Claire couldn’t just call her. No, it had to be a video call. Audrey felt already overwhelmed.
“Hey”, she answered the call, looking into an anxious face.
“Hey?! That’s all you have to say? Hey? Are you kidding me? I have been trying to call you for what, three days now? What the hell happened to you?” Claire couldn’t burry her worried voice, nor did she want to. After she had talked to Morgan two days ago and learned that Lim had called in sick after being back from Guatemala for just a few days, she had been trying to call her nonstop and never got an answer.
On top of Audrey not responding to her, Dr. Rendon had told her yesterday he didn’t get answers to his texts or calls from Lim, as well. Her phone had been turned off for two days now and well, while taking a sick leave was already unusual for the Chief or surgery, physically turning her phone off, and to make matters worse for two days straight, was, well, there wasn’t a single word to describe how unusual and out of character that was.
“I’m sorry. I was so busy at the hospital, we had some quite stressful days, I even slept at the hospital. And well, I hadn’t a chance to answer your texts. You just reached me when I’m home for the first time in two days or so.” Well, it was worth a try. Even if Audrey knew that Claire wasn’t stupid and might have talked to someone else from the hospital. But if not, she wouldn’t worry her even more. Her friend was 3.000 miles away and had her own problems. Working in a hospital she didn’t know, in a country with a language she didn’t speak. From the little Mateo had told her, Claire did great the first days. She wouldn’t make her feel guilty or whatever for leaving her alone.
“Audrey Lim, stop lying to me. I already know that you called in sick, three days ago. I also know that you have not just not answered my calls and texts. Dr. Rendon told me, you haven’t answered his either. And we’re video chatting at the moment, you know. I can see you. I can see your eyes, the dark shadows under them and that you have been crying. You are close to crying again. So, there are two options, option one, the two of us will talk now. You tell me what really happened in the week, since you’re back in San Jose. What made you call in sick, by the way a thing you haven’t done in almost five years at least since I have been working with you, not even for an hour and now you are gone three days, that’s maybe as long as the longest ‘holidays’ I’ve seen you taking since you’ve become Chief. And why the hell you’re shutting everyone out again. Or and that is option two, I’m getting on the next available plane and I will be there in two days at the latest and we will do option one in person. Your call.” All Claire knew was, that Audrey had called in sick three days ago. Morgan couldn’t tell that much. The team had just gotten to know that Andrews was taking over for a week, due to Lim being sick with a cold. What of course was very unlikely, but with Claire’s leave on such short notice and now the Chief’s sickness, they were too busy to think it through.
“You don’t need to get on a plane. I’m okay”, Audrey couldn’t stop another tear from getting out of her eyes. She wiped it away, annoyed. That wouldn’t help to stop Claire from worrying.
“I already told you. Stop lying. Damn, Audrey, I thought we were over this. I can see you’re not okay. And that’s okay. It’s also okay if you don’t want to talk to me right now, I won’t pressure you. But I won’t leave you alone like this either. So, if you don’t want to talk to me about the reason for you calling in sick, it’s okay, just tell me. We can easily listen to some music you like at the same time and we can video call the whole time. Or cook together, given the fact we both aren’t good at it, that might be quite funny”, Claire wouldn’t give up being there for her friend. She already saw that Audrey wasn’t feeling well. But she also knew what happened if you pressured Audrey.
“You’re right. I’m not okay. I, well I can’t even explain. I just had another break down. Or have, I don’t know Claire. I’m not even able to go for a run, it’s like I’m paralyzed by something I don’t even know. Okay maybe I have an idea. The last few days have been a lot and I maybe haven’t taken my medications as regularly as I should have... but I didn’t take them in Guatemala on time either and everything was fine. I thought I was getting better.” Audrey couldn’t manage to hold back one more tear. She had been crying for days already, but it still seemed like she had more tears left. Her voice was shaking, as well were her hands. While she was describing to Claire, how she felt, she realized those were indicators for a severe depression. Well, that didn’t help either.
“Can you tell me what happened? Had there been a trigger you realized?” The younger doctor was relieved. At least she had gotten Audrey to admit she wasn’t okay quite soon. This could be counted as a step forward.
Claire watched Audrey, as she starred aimlessly somewhere above the phone. There was silence for a long time, Claire had looked at the clock, it had been several minutes. Giving Audrey the space she needed, Claire continued to wait.
“I have no one. When you stayed back, which I still think was the right call, and I got back, I realized I have no one I’m close to. Yes, there’s video chat and all that, but we both know it’s not the same. At the hospital, I’m everyone's Chief. Andrews will hate me forever for it and the others, well they either try to suck up to me or treat me, like you treat a boss. Which is fine, that’s how it supposed to be. But at the end of the day, I’m alone. Which is ridiculous, I know. I have sacrificed so much for my job, only for it to make me sick. How is that fair? How is it fair, that I have been happy in such a long time again, with someone I won’t be able to see again? I guess I realized in Guatemala how carefree I used to be and how happy I could be and as soon as I got home, I realized I’m not. I’m neither carefree nor happy. Not anymore. That paired with a case that really took an emotional toll, it just got too much.” Once Audrey started, she couldn’t stop. Her therapist had told her that she needed to vocalize her feelings in order to get a grip on them, well now she certainly had vocalized. Maybe Claire wasn’t the right one to burden with, but she had called and asked. Also, Audrey hadn’t any idea to whom she should open up to instead.
“You’re not alone Audrey. And Andrews doesn’t hate you. He had been very supportive after you admitted your PTSD to him, remember? But I know how it feels to be alone and I can only imagine how scary it must feel, when everything comes crashing down. Do you want to talk about that case?” Claire spoke gently and tried made sure to make it sound like she wasn’t pitying her friend. Because she really wasn’t. She was aware that what Lim had told her already had been a big step.
“I…”, the thought of the case and all those memories alone made Lim start losing control again, she sighed, “I…well, I can’t. Please.”
“Okay, okay. You don’t need to. We will talk about it once you’re ready. Can I ask you if you have contacted your therapist already?” Well, getting through to her and to calm her was hard enough in person, doing it over a phone was even harder.
“I managed to call her. But she is on holiday. They offered to give me the number of her substitute, but I really don’t want to talk about this with yet another person. She’s back tomorrow and I do have an appointment. I’m just not sure how to get up for it, or well, since she’s in San Francisco, how to get there. I really don’t want to be or feel like that Claire. It just- I, well, once the patient was treated, I came home, you know. Three days ago. And when I felt the breakdown coming, I just managed to get in my bed. I called the hospital, because I thought it would do me good to take a day and get myself together. I haven’t been out of bed, except to use the bathroom, for two days. I haven’t eaten, but I made sure to stay hydrated enough. I actually managed to get out of bed, to charge my phone three hours ago. I wanted to take a shower and well, get myself together and stop feeling like this. I just can’t. It’s too much, everything is. So I went back to bed, after getting my phone charger and, well. Can you imagine, it took me over an hour to even plug it in?” She had a hard time, getting out those words. She just managed to get her thoughts out, not in an order, more confused than ever. She didn’t care. Once Lim had started she decided to try talking, hoping maybe this would help.
“Okay, one step at the time. About your appointment. How about, I’ll call you two hours or so before your appointment and I’ll talk you through getting ready? Does that sound like an idea?” Claire had never seen her former boss, now just friend, like that. She immediately regrets, having moved. She should have been in San Jose now, just to help Audrey, be there for her like Lim was after Melendez died. But saying those thoughts out loud would make Audrey feel guilty on top of everything and at the moment Claire wasn’t sure if that would be any help.
“We can try”, she hadn’t the strength anymore to reject the offer.
“Okay, that’s good. Secondly, I don’t think you can drive a car in that state. Frankly I don’t want you to, it’s not safe. And I doubt using public transportation is a good idea, there’s way too much overstimulation. Do you agree?”
Audrey didn’t even say a word. She just closed her eyes for a second.
“Well, I figured that. I’ll call you a cab. I know you usually hate them. But I don’t see any other option at the moment. Aside from asking Glassman or Andrews to pick you up?” At least Claire felt like she could help, even if she was 3.000 miles away. That was something.
“Andrews is needed in the hospital, so is Glassman. We’re so short staffed due to your leave, after we had already lost two first-year residents this year and on top damn me not being able to work at the moment. I don’t want them to see me like this”, Audrey hated how much this damn PTSD influenced her job. It was all she had left. All she had worked for. Even if she hated it sometimes, she loved it as much. But the thought alone of having to pretend that she was okay, when she wasn’t even able to get out of her bed, made her almost laugh. It was unthinkable to be at the hospital at the moment.
“Well, I’ll call you a cab that’ll pick you up. Now that that’s done, I think we actually have accomplished a lot. You can rest again. I’ll send you a playlist, we both can listen to. And we’ll stay on the video call. Do you have your Bluetooth speakers in the bedroom?” Claire saw over the phone how exhausted Audrey was. She doubted Audrey had been sleeping a lot in the last few days.
“Yes I have, they’re next to me, actually”, Lim couldn’t help but feel thankful. Even if she would have never called Claire herself, she was glad that the younger woman had called her. It actually helped a little to know she wasn’t alone at all.
“Well, then I want you to turn it on. Did you get the playlist already?” Claire watched her intensely while turning on the jukebox and after that nodding, since she had received the playlist from Claire. Claire was starting to calm down, while Audrey definitely wasn’t well, Claire didn’t think she needed medical attention immediately. She could help her until her appointment with the therapist.
“Turn it on, I’ll turn on mine as well. You make yourself comfortable, you can put your phone next to you and it will feel like I was sitting with you at the couch and we’re just listening to random stuff. Like we did sometimes within the last weeks.”
Audrey did like she was told. Getting told what she had to do actually helped at the moment. While she hated being that depended, right now she needed someone to guide her out of whatever she was feeling. This way she hadn’t to decide anything, she just did as she was told. And since her mind was spiraling, those little steps Claire was giving her, were something she could manage to follow.
Claire put her phone next to her, so that she was able to watch Audrey and started doing some paperwork again, given the fact that she was technically working at the moment, she had to at least appear like she was doing some work.
She could see over the phone that Lim had made herself comfortable in the bed again and was listening to the music. They didn’t need to talk any further. What needed to be said, was said and now was the time for Audrey to give her body some rest. Even if Claire knew her mind probably wouldn’t be able to get much rest. And it looked like the music alone did its supposed job and let Audrey calm down a little. From what Claire could see, even her breath started to come on more regular intervals.
Ten minutes later Claire couldn’t help but smile, it looked like Audrey had finally fallen asleep. Claire ended the call and sent her a text, saying she hoped that she could sleep in peace for a little while and that she’d call again this evening and of course that Audrey could call her at any time when she needed her or just wanted to have someone on the phone – even without talking.