Chapter Text
Magic can't be forced. It has to be found.
Those two sentences echo Kara's mind as she's laying on her bed trying to sleep (emphasis on 'trying'). Frustrated, she decides to make herself a cup of tea. All those different timelines bounce in her memory—so many possibilities— always leading her to a different kind of nightmare.
Her apartment feels warm. It's been almost two hours since her sister and J'onn left, but she can still feel their loving presence.
As she sits on the couch with her hand terribly warm from holding her tea, she notices a bigger crack between two pillows. When she gets her hand in there, she feels some sort of plastic rectangular box, so she pulls it out.
'The one where l'
It's one of Mxy's tapes.
Kara looks around, wondering if he was going to appear again, but he doesn't. She rereads the name of the VHS, trying to make up the next word.
Maybe it's the first line on her name? Or maybe Lena's? Or maybe it's a lower case l or an upper case i.
After a while, deliberating whether she should watch the recording or not, her curiosity wins the fight.
Luckily, she still has a VHS player laying around. And Alex said she wouldn't use it again. If she saw her now...
She sets everything up and, with the tape in her hands, she takes a deep breath. Finally, she pushes the VHS in, mentally preparing for everything and nothing.
A glitch appears on the screen. Muffled voices are talking in the background, but it's all eclipsed by an eccentric buzzing sound and a high-pitch note. Not even her superhearing can make up the words.
Finally, it fixes all by itself, and a clear image appears.
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It's been a week since Kara saw the video. She has been rewatching it every day since, over and over again. And now, whenever she's working on an article or flying around with the big 'S' in her chest, those images replay in the back of her mind.
The content of the tape had exposed her to something Kara has always feared: Herself. Seeing her own vulnerability handed in a silver plate is probably one of the most fucked up things she has ever gone through. And she has gone through a lot over the years.
But that tape... That tape made her realise everything. And now that she knew, she couldn't play deaf anymore. This bulk of emotions was too much to handle. She had to fix it. And funny enough, the root of her problems was precisely the solution.
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The next few days were horrible. Just as if destiny were playing the sickest game, the Danvers family got hit with the bitterest news: Jeremiah had died.
His death hit Alex the hardest. Kara tried to be with her sister as much as she could.
Screaming and crying with her over the unfairness of the world.
Staying strong, so Alex could let her guard down and crumble safely. But his death also affected her.
She had already lost her family when Krypton exploded. And now, losing Jeremiah was another painful weight that she had to carry around alongside her baggage of haunting memories.
After taking a few personal days to mourn her loss, Kara got back to work the same day Andrea was celebrating how well the Obsidian lenses were doing. Just what Kara needed: a stupid party.
Not being able to bear it anymore, she headed to her desk. And overwhelmed by the situation, she didn't notice Lena also leaving the celebration.
A knot in her stomach starts to tangle up as they exchange a few words. So many things had happened between them that all the wounds from word-shaped bullets were burning red with every passing second.
"This helped me a lot with memories of my mother and other family difficulties." She says as she chuckles uncomfortably, giving her a book.
After exchanging a few heartbreaking smiles, the younger Luthor walks away with Kara's teary stare, carefully following her. All her body aches as she replays in her mind Mxy's tape. She wants to tell her so many things... But there she is, staying still as a statue while her thoughts scream on mute. So much for being the girl of steel.
Finally, after Lena's long gone, Kara can't hold it anymore and breaks down peacefully on her desk.
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I guess you're used to being two-faced.
Those words follow Kara around as she tidies up her apartment. She knows she did the right thing, using Myriad. It was the only option; Kara made sure of that, but maybe it seemed to be the only one because the team was missing something —someone.
After CATCO, a dim spark in Kara's chest lit up. Maybe everything wasn't lost with Lena. Maybe they could even be a team again if she dared to dream. Everything she felt... It couldn't have been one-sided.
But it might as well turn to dust after today. Everything went south so fast Kara didn't even see it. Maybe if she had talked to her differently, or maybe if she had explained...
Before letting that train of thought take her any further, Kara shakes her head. She can't dwell on the past. That won't do her any good. And as she learned in her little adventure with Mxy, she just has to move forward. The only problem is that that 'forward' didn't seem to have Lena in it.
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It had been two days now since the last time they talked. And after how they left things, the last person Kara thought would be standing in front of her door was Lena.
Kara's body tightens, and her face hardens. So many thoughts are going through her mind right now... And yet, she remains speechless.
As Lena starts talking, Kara hears every single crack in her voice. Those words full of regret, of guilt, are slowly breaking the hardened look on her face. Kara tries, really tries , to keep it all together, but as Lena's eyes start to fill with tears, so does hers. Kryptonite might be Supergirl's weakness, but Lena was Kara's kryptonite.
"Sit down." She finally says.
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"It's just like Kaznia."
Kara looks at Lena as she says that last word. It was terrifying how much things had changed between them. The Kara and Lena from the tape looked like a fantasy dream. All those fond memories starring her and her best friend that once filled her heart with happiness were now ripping her apart cell by cell, making sure there was nothing left.
She had been dreaming about this for weeks. Lena coming back to her and apologising, working together again...
But now that she got what she wanted, Kara couldn't be happy. She was, in fact, enraged. And the worst thing was that she knew it didn't make sense. And the fact that she knew, made her even angrier.
"I don't want to talk about the past." Kara says as she walks a few steps away from her. A thousand tears try to fight their way out, but she controls herself.
"Oh, c'mon. You can scream at me if you'd like. I know I deserve it. I know now that working with Non Nocere was a mistake, that working with Lex—"
"This isn't about Lex!" Kara says, blinded by sole impulsivity. "This is about Alex and J'onn and all the people that could've been killed today because they're on my team. Every day I put them in danger by just being with them. Can't you understand that?"
"I do I--"
"And I know I hurt you, Lena. I know I should've told you sooner, and I screwed up. But the longer you didn't know, the longer I could sleep at night knowing you were safe. And yeah, I know you can protect yourself more than fine. I know that. But can't you see that I can't help being selfish with you? That losing you-"
Kara stops herself as the first tear rolls down her cheek. She can't do it right now. Not when everyone she cares about is in danger. Not when the whole fucking world could pay the price.
"I really am sorry, Kara." Lena says in a quieter tone, totally devastated, unable to look her in the eye.
"You can't do this, Lena. You can't just barge in here and start talking about us as if nothing had happened. You pretended to be my friend for weeks to manipulate me. You stole from me, and then, you even used kryptonite against me." She sighs, exhausted from keeping all her emotions bottled up. "I made one mistake. One. And you hurt me in every way imaginable." She feels her whole body trembling like a leaf. She has to leave. She can't continue doing this. "Just tell me when you get Eve's location." Kara says dismissively and walks away, completely drained from the conversation.
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It's only by going through that pain that we're able to appreciate the good. Pain is what helps us grow. Without it, we'd never be able to... to evolve, to overcome. To forgive.
Her own words resound in her head as she looks at the monitor.
'Zero users connected to Obsidian Platinum'
She still can't believe she encouraged all those people to disconnect from VR. Giving that speech felt so empowering, so freeing. And now that she had no longer the weight of all those people's lives on her shoulders, her lungs could finally fill with relief.
She turns around and sees Lena, still working silently on the computer. She takes a deep breath, and feeling wistful, she takes her own advice.
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"In the last world, she betrayed us." Lena says as she looks at Eve and her mom reunite. "I might never know what was driving her, but I do know what was driving you." Lena turns to Kara, still with her arms crossed. "When I found out you lied to me... my world crumbled down. You know how many people have betrayed me over the years, how much they've hurt me. So I did what I always do. Build a wall around me and suffocate behind it. And it makes it very difficult to see other people's views. But I see yours now. And I am very sorry it took me so long. You have all the right to be mad at me, and if you don't ever want to see me again, I'll understand."
Kara takes a deep breath as Lena says the last sentence. "You know, when you showed up at my door this morning, I couldn't believe you. I kept waiting for you to let me down, to double-cross me in some way. But at every turn, you came through. Building that suit, protecting my identity, supporting me... I wasn't ready to accept your apology before, but maybe I am now." She says, with a grin on her face.
Lena exhales as tears come to her eyes. "Thank you."
Now with Lena by her side, she felt so much lighter, stronger even. She never thought someone could have this effect on her. But again, Lena wasn't just 'someone'.
Still, there was something else retaining her. Something she needed to say before she could feel entirely free of all the weight the previous months had put on her and finally end this chapter of her life. But Kara was calm. Now that she and Lena were finally on good terms again, she just had to focus on one thing: defeat Lex. And then, she would have all the time in the world to talk to her. Or at least that's what she thought. Because the thing about time, though, is that it's not something you can have. It's given. And she was playing under an invisible clock.
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Kara knew the risks when she made that deal with Lex: herself for his satellites. And if that was the price to put an end to his madness, she would pay it happily.
To be honest, she was quite confident that by the end of the day, he would be sleeping behind bars. Their plan was good, everything was well-thought, and with Lena fighting alongside them, they were stronger than ever.
But still, there was this tiny feeling somewhere in Kara's mind that kept repeating the same melody.
But what if...
But what if...
But what if...
As she's pacing back and forth, she looks around at all the weapons she had caught from previous enemies now displayed on the icey shelf.
Then she encounters the crystal recorder. As much as she'd like to pretend she has everything under control, she doesn't. And she would hate it if something happened to her and she couldn't pass all her knowledge down or talk to her sister for the last time or to anyone again.
She looks at the crystal, now in her hand, hoping it wouldn't come down to that.
In a few minutes, she had already recorded messages for everyone except Lena. She had no idea where to begin. Or even what to say, really.
"Kelex, can you bring me a piece of paper and a pen, please?"
"Right away, Kara." And it hands her the supplies.
As she leans to a flat surface, she grabs the pen and starts writing.
" Hi, Lena
"
And that's where the inspiration ends. Kara, the Pulitzer winner, Zor-El Danvers.
After a few more minutes racking her brain to squeeze something out, she runs out of time. Now, at any given moment, Lex could come, and the recording was far from done. She didn't even have a draft.
Screw it.
She crosses out the two words already on the paper and starts writing recklessly. Finally, she folds the paper abruptly and writes Lena's name on it.
"Kelex, will you do me a favour, please? In case something happens to me, will you make sure my friends get the messages? And give Lena this note."
"Of course." It says as it grabs the crystal and the little paper.
"Thank you."
Kara was right. Lex didn't sleep on his bed that night but a prison cell's. But what she hadn't foreseen was that she wouldn't be sleeping on her bed either. The clock had stopped for her. And it would be a while until it could start ticking again.
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