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Dean checks the shopping list he is holding, looking at all the items in the shopping cart, making sure that he hasn’t forgotten anything. He might have added a few things that aren’t on that list, like some chocolate, licorice and things like that. But the things that they need, like milk, cereals, fruit, olive oil, potatoes, vegetables (damn Sammy), toilet paper and toothpaste are in the shopping cart.
He thinks that he doesn’t have to buy anything else. Every item of the list is there, so Dean should just go straight to pay. And that’s what he does.
Sam is at the bunker, doing some research. He always leaves the shopping for Dean, unless he decides to join him in order to buy all the vegetable section. He is rabbit food geek, although Dean has to recognize that he has been using more vegetables in his cooking since he and Sam settled down in the bunker. And he is starting to enjoy vegetables, not as much as Sam, but he enjoys them.
Suddenly, Dean finds himself in a section where everything is pink and red. There are hearts of different shapes and colors hanging from the ceiling, along with some posts indicating that chocolates and roses are in discount. He frowns confused at all of that until it hits him.
It’s 14th of February, Valentine’s Day.
He completely forgot it. It has been years since Dean stopped caring about Valentine’s Day. Sam used to say it was like Christmas for Dean, but it has been almost a decade since Dean stopped considering this holiday that thing. Now, every time he finds out it is Valentine’s Day, he feels an ache in his heart that he can’t fade away.
Actually, he knows how it can disappear, but that option is not available for him, and he knows that it won’t.
Still, Dean is looking at a rose, wrapped in a nice plastic with some silver hearts printed on it. Why is he looking at that red rose? Cas is somewhere looking for Cain; he isn’t going to come to the bunker soon, and much less today, after all, Cas doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day, it is another meaningless holiday for him, right? It isn’t as if he was thinking about spending a day like today with someone. And if he was, that someone wouldn’t be Dean.
But Dean can’t take his eyes off that rose. He wants to give it to Cas and— And then what? Tell him what he feels about Cas? With all the shit that’s going on with the Mark, it isn’t the moment for Dean to finally nut up and confess his feelings. And there’s the thing about Cas’ fading grace as well.
Dean sighs. What is he thinking about? There’s too much crap in their lives and he is in a supermarket’s Valentine’s section thinking about buying Cas a rose for this holiday. He is being stupid. Cas won’t be back to the bunker until who knows, if he ever decides to come back, and how is Dean going to give him a rose? There’s no way he can do that casually. He can’t come to Cas and hand him a rose like it isn’t an important thing. There are too many things happening and there’s no time for that, he knows it.
But he wants to, damn it, he wants so bad to give Cas the rose and see his face. He knows the angel will make a confused frown and then he will smile and even blush. Dean can’t help chuckling at that picture of Cas.
He looks at the rose, and finally, he picks it up, looking at it. It is just a simple red rose, but it is a really nice rose. He smiles and puts it in the cart.
Thankfully, Sam didn’t see the rose. That would have meant a talk that Dean isn’t ready to have with his little brother. Of course that Sam knows about how Dean feels about Cas, even if Dean hasn’t said a word about it, but his little brother has eyes. Still, he doesn’t want that talk yet, because when it comes to feelings, Dean is like a bomb about to detonate, and know that he has the Mark, well, he doesn’t know how he could deal with a talk full of feelings. Not very well, he suspects.
And now, Dean is in his bedroom, sitting on his bed, with the rose on his hand, looking at it. On his other hand, there’s his phone.
Dean lets out an exhausted sigh and he throws his phone on the bed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his now free hand. He is an idiot, he knows it, what was he thinking? He wants to call Cas, but he doesn’t know what to say, or how to tell him if he ever finds out what are the words he needs to say.
What Dean wants is Cas in the bunker, with him. He wants Cas in this bedroom, both of them under the warmth of the bed, holding each other tightly, every single inch of their bodies touching, being pressed together, their lips together, sharing kisses, both of them breathing on each other’s scent.
He stands up from the bed, the rose still on his right hand. Dean walks a few steps, just circling around the bedroom, feeling that ache in his heart, longing for Cas, wishing he was here. It always hurts to know that his bed is cold and alone, but today it hurts even more than usually. Dean stops and looks at his feet before he closes his eyes and inhales sharply.
“Fuck.” Dean mutters.
He tilts his head up, opening his eyes, looking at nowhere. He walks back to his bed, sitting on the same spot he was before. The rose is still in its wrapping and Dean rolls the flower on his hands, as if with that he was going to feel better, or as if with that stupid movement his thought could magically sort out.
Dean sighs again and grimaces. Then, he clears his throat. “This is stupid. I am stupid.” He starts to say. “Hey, Cas, uhm—” He sighs in frustration. How is he even going to tell Cas something like this when he can’t even say it when his angel isn’t around him? Dean sighs again, and makes a pause before he tries talking to himself again. “I bought you a rose ‘cause—” He stops again.
This is hard, really hard. He swallows, an act that it is supposed to be really easy, now feels like the most difficult task. His hand goes directly to the bridge of his nose, to pinch it again. He has to try, he doesn’t want to screw this up, he wants to do it nice for Cas, for the next chance they see each other or talk on the phone. Whatever that happens first.
“I— bought you a rose ‘cause it’s Valentine’s Day, y’know?” Dean finally manages to whisper. “And I— I thought that, that maybe you would like it?” He sounds unsure and he hates it. He grunts and rubs his tired eyes. “Okay, I’m being pathetic, really pathetic.” He is thankful that Cas isn’t here right now to see how Dean embarrasses himself.
“Just—” He grunts more than he speaks. “Fuck, I have feelings for you, Cas, and I thought that this was a good idea, and— not that I care about Valentine’s Day, I mean, it’s okay that you don’t, because I don’t, and— I think a rose would— And you know I— And— And I’m a fucking pathetic idiot.” He throws the rose to the pillow and with both hands, he covers his face. If Cas was right in front of him, Dean’s face would be painted in all the different possible shades of red.
“Fuck Cas, I—” He what? Words are stuck in his throat, like always. Dean Winchester doesn’t do these things; it is extremely difficult for him. He pulls his hands away from his face, resting them loosely on his legs. Those hands show that he isn’t young anymore; he is closer to his forties than his thirties. Sometimes he forgets how long he has been alive, how long it has been since he met Cas. Years just passed by, and one of this days he is going to wake up and find out that another bunch of years are gone, if he lives enough to see that. “Cas, I— I bought you a rose,” Dean keeps murmuring. “Because I’m in— I’m in— fuck.” He can’t even manage to say that damn L word.
Dean sighs exhausted, rubbing one more time his tired eyes. “I just want you here with me.” He finally says. “I want you here right now with me and kiss you and— Fuck, I need you so bad.”
Suddenly his phone starts to ring, startling him. He turns his head to find where he left his phone and he grabs it. The moment he sees the name on the screen, his heart skips a beat. It’s Cas.
His hands tremble slightly and again, it is so hard to swallow. But then, he knows that Cas must be calling because he has some information about Cain or something has happened to him, which Dean hopes it didn’t, so he picks up the phone, being calmer than before. Cas is calling for something important, not because it is Valentine’s Day.
With a steady voice, he says, “Hey Cas.”
“Dean.” Cas simply says. Just his name, but it always produces Dean’s heart to make wild things. “Were you—” Cas starts to say with a shaky and nervous voice, which confuses Dean. “Everything you said, was it true?”
Dean frowns confused, not sure what Cas means. “What are you talking about?”
“The things you have said before.” At that, Dean opens his eyes in shock. Does Cas mean what Dean thinks it is? If he is, Dean is so screwed up. “About buying me a rose and having feelings for me.” Cas finally says, sounding really nervous and… touched? Does he sound touched? “Was all of that true?”
Yeah, Dean is really screwed up. But how on earth does Cas know that? Dean wasn’t praying to him, how did he hear him? “How do you know that? I wasn’t praying.”
Castiel chuckles, one of the sweetest sounds Dean has ever heard, and one of his favorites. “It doesn’t have to be a prayer, Dean. I can hear you if you want me to.” His voice is so warm that it makes Dean’s limbs to tingle. He finds himself smiling like the idiot in love he is. “You haven’t answered my question.”
He is right. “Yeah, I didn’t.” There’s a silence in between them. Dean sighs. Cas doesn’t make a sound, still expecting for Dean to answer his question. Cas has heard him, so he knows, even if Dean did more of an embarrassing thing than anything else. “Yeah, I bought you a rose.” He says as he grabs the red rose from the pillow, looking at it. He hears Cas smiling at the other end of the line. “And yeah I— I—” He can do this, Dean can say it. Cas knows it already. “I—”
“I love you too.” Castiel says suddenly, which makes Dean to gasp, definitely not expecting to hear those words. If he was a cartoon, his heart would have jumped out of his chest. He has forgotten how to breathe. Cas loves him. He has just fucking say it and it is— wow. Dean is speechless. “Dean? You still there?” He asks.
“Yeah, yeah, just— I—” He chuckles, still in the shock of knowing that Cas feels the same way he does. It is a really nice feeling. It feels as if a heavy load was removed from him, letting him to be able to breathe again. “I feel the same, y’know?”
“That’s why I said the word too after the I love you.”
Dean rolls his eyes. “Don’t ruin the moment with your sass, Cas.”
Castiel laughs. He really laughs, and fuck, Dean would give anything to hear that sound more often. He finds himself laughing too, like he hasn’t done in a really long time. It is a true one, not like the forced and weird ones he has been doing lately. It is a laugh that echoes though his heart and it makes him feel better than what it feels like years.
“When will you come back?” Dean asks after the laughter has faded away.
“I don’t know.” Cas answers, he sounds really sad. He sighs and Dean feels his eyes getting a little glassy. “I have to find Cain, Dean.”
“Yeah, I know, I know.” He doesn’t think that finding Cain will solve all the problems with the Mark, but it’s worth giving it a shot, isn’t it? They already know that it might not work, but maybe it does. They can’t be sure if they don’t try it. “I just want you here, Cas.”
“I want to be there too.” The words are said with honesty and it calms and warms Dean. “Once this is over, I will stay, I promise.” It makes Dean’s heart to feel something he hasn’t felt, like a mix of hope and warmth and good things. “Meanwhile, save that rose for me, okay?”
“Okay.” He says with a big smile drawn on his lips.
“And,” he starts to say, sounding shyer than Dean has ever heard him. “I really would like to kiss you next time we see.”
Dean chuckles happily. “Of course.” There’s a small silence in between them, filled only by their smiles. They can’t see the other smiling, but they can feel it and almost hear it. “Say safe Cas.”
“You too.” He says with all his worry.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Cas.”
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Dean.” His voice sounds so tender. “I love you.” Again, those words wrap Dean in a heartwarming feeling that leaves him smiling.
“Me too.”
When he hangs up, Dean looks at the red rose and smiles, feeling better than he has been in a really long time. He is happy, really happy. Things could be better if Cas was here, but, honestly, Dean wasn’t expecting the day to end up like this, and he is really glad that things went like they did.
He smiles again, and then, he stands up and leaves his bedroom, searching for a vase where he can put the rose, in order to keep it as long as possible until Castiel’s return.