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namjoon hadn’t been in the dorm for even a breath long and he could tell something was wrong. he didn’t need to do a mental head count to realise everyone wasn’t in the living room as they usually were on sunday nights.
sandwiched together on the longest couch despite there being one football field worth of space, all eager to welcome him with warm smiles and an extra spot on the couch for much deserved cuddles.
to namjoon’s surprise, yoongi is there as well tonight. usually he will either already be in the deepest throes of sleep or holed up somewhere in the dorm, away from the noise and clatter of his bandmates. but before he could allow the surprise to register, he feels the presence, or lack thereof, of the one person who would always be there to greet him no matter what. as if it was an intrinsic response. totally not because namjoon’s eyes years ago had started to seek that one person out and they haven’t really stopped.
even after eight years they haven’t stopped.
“where’s seokjin hyung?” he asks the room at whole, hoping his tone is nonchalant enough for anyone to not do something stupid like tease him.
“asleep most likely. seemed extra tired after coming home,” drawls yoongi from the farthest edge of the couch, being squeezed to the point of suffocation, going by the flush on his cheeks, by an enthusiastic taehyung. or maybe the flush is for a completely different reason. what would namjoon know?
“hm. weird ‘cuz he’s usually here,” mumbles namjoon after he’s finished toeing off his socks and heads over to plop himself into the space reserved for him, immediately tackled by an over-affectionate jimin.
nothing new.
he’s soon joined by hoseok and jungkook in a tangle of limbs on his other side. hoseok going for his pecs and squeezing them like one would a stress ball, completely unashamedly, while jungkook being the respectful person he is goes for his biceps and begins squeezing them in the same manner and- is he fucking drooling?
again, nothing new.
namjoon lets them do whatever and tries to control the nervous bouncing of his legs. something isn’t right. seokjin isn’t here and something isn’t right .the last time seokjin wasn’t present was...never. the leg bouncing intensifies and before he can stop it, his thoughts are spiralling.
what could be the reason for him to not be here when he’s always here. always waiting for namjoon to return. always staying back to be the last one to wish him goodnight. has namjoon done something? not that he can remember. then have the members done something? seokjin isn’t the type to avoid them if they did. what if something happened to him? what if he’s upset for some reason and needs someone to talk to but no one’s there with him and he’s all alone and- namjoon abruptly stands, startling everyone on the couch, especially jungkook who forlornly gazes at namjoon’s bicep, now out of reach.
“sorry guys i think i’m gonna head to bed, it was a long day,” namjoon says apologetically and as expected everyone except yoongi whines and flail their limbs in protest like namjoon just announced he’s moving to mars and not to the room down the hall.
he doesn’t look at yoongi because he knows what he’ll see on his face and he knows it won’t help the knots beginning to build in his chest so with another strained smile he heads off towards their hallway.
the sound of quiet footsteps in the lone, dark hallway is jarring. namjoon quickly makes his way past his and taehyung's bedroom to yoongi and seokjin's, finding the door ever so slightly ajar. this catches him off guard.
maybe seokjin wanted someone to seek him out? is that why he hasn't locked the door? would he like that someone to be namjoon?
he doesn't do this. this being the checking up on people, seokjin out of everyone, in such an intimate manner. he's more than happy to let the members hang off of his limbs any day of the week but he doesn't actively seek any of them out like this.
in normal circumstances, namjoon will talk his head off if he's allowed to but during moments like these, he limits himself to few words and fewer touches, a pat on the back or an occasional hug here and there is enough for him.
and he hopes it's enough for whoever is on the receiving end too. because he doesn't do this.
namjoon’s afraid of many things and one of them just so happens to be: being the wrong person. not being the person one was expecting in moments like these. ruining everything further because he was an unwanted source of comfort. he knows it's irrational for many reasons but there's a fine line between knowing and believing that he hasn't been able to cross yet. and this is seokjin so the stakes are terrifyingly high.
a sound snaps him out of his stupor and he steps closer so his forehead is almost touching the door and strains his ear to listen. the third time he hears the noise, a horrifying realisation dawns on him.
seokjin is crying.
it's merely soft sniffles, a little choked like he's trying his best to muffle them and is failing pretty badly. namjoon would recognise the sound of seokjin crying in his sleep. he's had his fair share of helplessly listening to his band mates crying in the quiet of the night during their pre-debut years. when everything was a little too uncertain and a lot terrifying. seokjin falling apart was rare but enough times for namjoon to know.
his first instinct is to turn tail and pretend this never happened. that would be so much easier than staying. but his feet remain firmly planted and namjoon's a weak, weak man when it comes to kim seokjin. or that he's just a loser but whatever.
he knocks on the door three times in quick succession and the muffled sniffles immediately cease. then there's silence and namjoon debates what to do next. he decides on using words.
"hyung," he begins timidly, "you weren't there when i came home so i thought i'd check up on you? i don't know if it's necessary so um just tell me to fuck off and i will. but…i'd feel better after making sure you were okay? so um- fuck sorry i rambled c-can i come in?" he finishes with a nervous laugh.
there's no response, not even a peep and namjoon's heart is now hammering in his chest. namjoon considers himself pretty smart but deciphering silence isn't one of his capabilities.
does seokjin not want him here? but he would say something if that was the case wouldn't he?
he stands there brooding in contemplation and ultimately his worry for his hyung wins.
"i'm gonna come in okay? just shout if you don't want me to or- or throw something at me i guess," he says and walks into the room. expecting to be smacked in the face with an object and only when nothing happens, does he let out the breath he had been holding.
the room is dark, save for the moonlight peeking in through the gaps in the blinds, glossing parts of the room in a milky glow. maybe seokjin really was tired and asleep and namjoon had misheard the noises.
movement catches his eyes from the bed on the left side, seokjin's bed, and he turns his head in time to catch a lump of blanket shift. taking tentative steps towards the bed, namjoon hovers over the lump, wondering how to approach the issue, if there is any, in a welcoming manner.
"hyung, are you asleep?" he whispers and waits. soon enough the lump shifts and curls into itself a little and seokjin exhales a shuddering breath into the silence.
namjoon's heart aches.
he takes in a deep breath and sits down on the bed, facing away from seokjin.
"my day was pretty shitty," he says under his breath, "i spent hours trying to write down lyrics but nothing felt right. nothing felt ‘namjoon’ enough. so i kinda rage quit and hit the table a little too hard and uh bruised my pinky a little," he doesn't look at seokjin as he says this, can't quite bring himself to for some reason, "i was hoping you'd be there with the rest to wish me goodnight. can't really go to sleep without it."
it's the closest he'll get he thinks. it's the closest he'll ever get.
he feels the bed dip and chances a glance to see seokjin curling further into himself and the knots in his chest that were steadily building snaps. but it isn't relief that washes over him.
"jin hyung you're really worrying me now," he says a little louder as he turns to face seokjin, "will you please just talk to me? or at least tell me to leave so i-" he cuts off abruptly when seokjin sits up facing him, the blanket settling around his waist.
the first thing namjoon registers is the way seokjin's skin is practically glowing in the moonlight. the second thing is that he looks pissed. there are dried tear tracks on his cheeks and his eyes are red rimmed, reflecting the moon’s gleam, but his brows are furrowed and his lips are pulled down into an exaggerated frown. oh he's really angry. namjoon kind of wants to shit himself.
"i am innocent," he says, holding up two hands in a pacifying gesture. seokjin scoffs and turns away to glare at the wall. namjoon's afraid he might drill a hole into it.
a few minutes pass with seokjin fuming and namjoon calculating his next steps very carefully so he doesn’t die tonight and eventually comes up with nothing. so he stops thinking and just stares at seokjin’s moonlit profile. he looks so vulnerable with his disheveled hair and steadily softening features. namjoon thinks he could wax poetic about him for days if seokjin allowed him.
he won’t allow him.
namjoon knows that much and yet he still wishes to stars that have long been dead.
seokjin turns his head again to meet namjoon’s eyes and just like that, a thousand little flames burst in his veins, burning him from the inside out. seokjin then fishes out his phone from under his pillow and the room lights up in its light contrasting strangely with the moon’s. he begins typing something quickly and a few moments later namjoon’s phone pings and he scrambles to read the text.
i can’t talk
he looks up, probably looking as perplexed as he feels but seokjin is still staring at him with that steady expression of seriousness. he clutches the phone tighter and begins typing because talking is his least favourite thing right now.
wdym u can’t talk?
he can see seokjin typing from the corner of his eye and soon receives another text back.
i thought i was clear enough
i can’t speak joon
hyung ur being so weird rn
are u okay?
did smth happen?
u can talk to me yk?
“joon.”
namjoon’s thumbs halt. he slowly lifts his head to look at seokjin whose expression is crumpled in a grimace. it was a weak whisper of a thing. barely decipherable with the last half of the word breaking into a wheeze. oh.
“oh,” he says eloquently and gapes like a fish for a few seconds, trying to connect the dots. seokjin looks on blandly.
“is this what i think it is?” he asks and receives a slow nod. ”sore throat?” another nod, this one sharper. he makes a noise of sympathy and dares to ask the question that's been bothering him since he first entered the room. "is...that why you were crying?" seokjin's gaze hardens and he picks up his phone again.
why the fuck would i cry bc of a sore throat namjoon.
a bubble of irritation pops inside of namjoon and he says, "hyung i'm just worried okay?" his voice carefully lowered. he's trying to help but he's failing majorly and he hates it. seokjin's eyes soften a little and he even looks a little sheepish. he sighs and his posture just deflates like all the fight has left his body.
im sorry
it's not you i'm just pissed at myself for getting sick
you know the drill
now it's namjoon's turn to deflate because he does know. he's been in seokjin's place enough times just as the rest to know exactly how horrible he must be feeling right now. carrying the crushing weight of six other peoples' hopes and dreams isn't easy. he's seen enough bloodshot eyes and raw bitten nails to know it isn't. but he's also learned to be okay with things out of his control.
i do.
but i also know that your throat will get better?
i'd tell you to not worry over something you can't control but i know you know that better than anyone else
you tell us that all the time remember?
we have a cb right around the corner
i can't afford losing my voice right now
we've all been practicing so hard
i can't push us back joon that'd cost us a lot
he can feel it before he sees it. the stress radiating off of seokjin is so intense it’s almost palpable. namjoon glances up to see his breathing has picked up and he’s typing rapidly only to backspace every few words. trembling fingers barely forming proper words.
this isn’t something words can fix, namjoon realises. words are not what seokjin needs right now so he swallows his rising trepidation and scoots closer and places a gentle hand on he shoulder. seokjin flinches so hard he almost knees namjoon in the chin, looking up with wide eyes like he had forgotten namjoon was ever there.
“breath,” he whispers.
seokjin still looks like he’s seconds away from a panic attack so namjoon does something very brave. very telling.
he places the palm of his other hand on seokjin’s chest, right over his heart and expects the frantic, unrhythmic beating of it.
“please breath hyung,” he whispers again, a hint of desperation bleeding into his tone. seokjin keeps staring until his wide eyes become wider and he gulps in a shuddering breath and lets it out quickly, his lips trembling. then he takes another and another until he can take deep, even breaths and hold them for a few seconds, just the way their therapist had taught them.
“thank you,” he breathes and resists the urge to press his forehead to seokjin’s.
“it’s okay hyung. you’re okay. you’re right to worry, any of us in your place would but to be honest, i think them seeing you in this state would upset them more than anything else. we’ve finished the recordings so you won’t even need to use your voice until after everything is released and there’s still a week for that. there’s plenty of time so can you please focus on getting better? if not for yourself then for us?” he holds seokjin’s gaze even after he finishes and seokjin holds his in return, still a little wide eyed but calmer. his eyes glimmer in the moonlight but it’s not with the sheen of tears.
all too soon namjoon is acutely aware of their closeness. his hands are still in place and luckily he’s not touching any skin but he can feel seokjin’s body heat like it’s his own. the distance between them is so little he can feel the puffs of air seokjin lets out on his chin.
all too soon, it’s become too real.
he swallows and clears his throat awkwardly, drops his hands but stays in place just because seokjin still needs the closeness. no other reason really.
“um so yeah, i think you’re being too hard on yourself,” namjoon concludes with a firm nod of his head, avoiding eye contact.
seokjin scowls. "you're one to talk, you bruised your fucking pinky," he croaks out and takes namjoon’s left hand in his, turning it palm side up to inspect the said bruised pinky. it looks a little gross. angry red and a bit swollen but he’ll survive. nowhere near as brutal as that one time he fractured his wrist for the same reason. but seokjin is still looking at him with pinched brows.
“it looks painful joonie. you need to be more careful,” he chides gently, still holding his hand, like one would hold their lover’s, and namjoon thinks he might actually die tonight.
so he wishes to another dead star and attempts a joke.
“why don’t you kiss it better?” he laughs at how incredulous it sounds out loud but.
seokjin’s not laughing.
namjoon fears he might have pushed it too far. might have been too obvious. seokjin doesn’t look angry though. his gaze is gentle, welcoming but holding a gravity so intense it makes namjoon’s heart thud.
then seokjin lifts his hand, holding his gaze, and presses a delicate kiss on the tip of his battered pinky.
it happens within a blink of an eye and namjoon’s left picking up the pieces. the kiss was barely there, but he feels it in every nook and cranny of his being. namjoon is the earth quaking open. he's all tremors and shallow breaths but also. it feels like an overdue landing of a deep fall. he's been falling for a long time and as seokjin looks at him the way he tries not to look at seokjin, he thinks he’s finally landed.
“hyung,” he barely whispers but seokjin is shaking his head as he leans in to rest his forehead on namjoon’s shoulder, his hands coming around namjoon’s waist.
“later,” he pleads and namjoon understands it for what it is.
this is important and this is real but it’s happening all too soon and they both need a moment to process the possibilities before continuing. namjoon needs ten years maximum . his mind is too loud and he kind of wants to wiggle back and forth on the floor like a worm but he's a man with fixed priorities so he snakes his hands around seokjin's shoulders and holds him in a crushing embrace, burying his nose in seokjin's hair.
they'll use words later. right now, this is what they both need.
"okay," he says, "later."
"thank you," seokjin sighs, content. "i shouldn't talk much anyway." then he peers up at namjoon through his lashes and fucking pouts. "i wanna sleep...will you stay the night joonie?" he bats his eyes and namjoon's going to shit himself.
"i- um o-ofcourse hyung, whatever you want," he stutters and seokjin's expression goes from coy to smug in a blink. a shit eating grin replacing his pout. namjoon distantly thinks seokjin's an asshole but he's too busy smiling dopely down at him to care.
they reluctantly untangle from each other's embrace and seokjin steps out the room to freshen up while namjoon lies on the bed, eyes tracing the shapeless shadows created by the moonlight on the ceiling, and wonders which star he wished to was as alive as him.
seokjin comes in a minute later but a minute too long because namjoon's making grabby hands at him. he breathes out a fond laugh, eyes crinkling, and falls on the bed. namjoon pulls the blanket over them both and they find each other in a tangle of limbs again. seokjin's head tucked under namjoon's chin, his lips pressed to namjoon's throat, not kissing but a steady reminder that they are something more now.
namjoon doesn't know what that more entails but he can wait until the morning to find out. he'd wait forever for kim seokjin if he had to.
all around them is moonlight and the last thing namjoon remembers, is seokjin whispering the words thank you onto his skin but he drifts off before he can reply.
no, thank you.