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matsuno chifuyu was an amazing friend.
an amazing person. being around him was always easy.
neither of you got tired of each other’s company, and it was a comfortable friendship. you could spend all day doing nothing in each other’s presence, and the silences were never awkward. you could be close, emotionally and physically, safe in the knowledge that there was no attraction there, just a whole lot of platonic love and care.
which is why you didn’t bat an eye at chifuyu as he laid down next to you, your bed creaking slightly.
it hadn’t taken much to convince your mom to let chifuyu into your room, “i don’t like boys and he does, mom, it’s fine.”
so now, you took your eyes off the open book you held to look at chifuyu, “what are you reading?”
“nana.”
you hummed, going back to your own reading, “have they kissed yet?”
“yeah, actually.”
you side-eye him again, “but they’re not gay.”
chifuyu turns to you with a small smile, “well, some people are in denial, you know?”
“you love that, huh?” you ask, chuckling.
chifuyu turns his gaze away, “sad gays? yeah a little,” you watch the smile slowly slip off his face.
you let there be silence for a moment before making up your mind and sighing, “speaking of sad gays,” you close your book, placing it to the side. chifuyu rolls his eyes, predicting your next words, “how are you?”
“don’t.”
“chifuyu,” you poke his cheek, “how are you?”
“i’m fine,” he says, refusing to take his eyes off the page he’s definitely not reading.
“look, it’s fine if you don’t wanna talk right now, okay?” you shift until you’re laying on your side, facing him, “but i know you’ll die before letting anyone take care of you, and it doesn’t have to be that way,” chifuyu’s eyes start to water, stubbornly fixed on the book, “you always put others’ needs before you, and i’m not sure if anyone besides me has asked you this, so i’ll ask again,” chifuyu closes his eyes, breathing slowly, “how are you, chifuyu?”
you watch him open his mouth and close it, sigh, and look at you teary-eyed. his voice is strained, “i-“
the tears roll down his face, one after the other as chifuyu shakes silently. you take the book from his hands to place it on your bedside table. “come here,” you guide his head and gently press it against your chest, causing him to turn and hug you completely, his arms tight around your back.
“i-,” he hiccups, his voice muffled, “i miss him.”
your heart shrinks, feeling his fists twisting the back of your sweater, the front damp with his tears. “i know,” you say into his hair, “he was amazing, right?” you speak for him, “he loved you so much, chifuyu.”
chifuyu wailed and you tightened your hold on him. you would hug him forever if you had to. he deserved someone to lean on. he deserved comfort and so much more.
“it’s m-my fault.”
you took a deep breath, leaning back to hold his face and look into his eyes, “i won’t let you say that,” chifuyu sniffed, chin trembling on your hand, “chifuyu, listen to me,” you paused, and tried to convey every bit of sincerity and comfort in your heart to say, “it wasn’t your fault.”
he quivered in your arms, so you resumed the hug, stroking his hair and pressing a kiss to the top of his head before repeating, “it wasn’t your fault.”
he curled into you, his voice barely audible, “he was my f-favorite p-person and my f-,” chifuyu inhaled sharply, “my first l-love,” he let out a breathless sob.
“i know,” it came out hushed, tears rolling down your face. you could feel the pain in him as if it were yours. and it was. chifuyu shared this part of him with you, and you could feel the hole in his stomach, the heaviness of his heart, “it hurts so much, chifuyu, i know,” but feeling it meant it was leaving him. you would gladly share the weight on his shoulders, and squeeze all the pain out of him, one crying session at a time.
you held him as he wept, running your fingers through his hair, massaging his scalp and rubbing circles on his back. whenever his shudders got stronger, you kissed his forehead, wiping away at his cheeks with your thumbs, “he’ll always be with you, and so will i, okay?”
chifuyu choked out a sob, and leaned into you again.
his crying eventually got calmer. the tears were still coming out profusely, but the shaking had stopped, chifuyu staying quiet except for an occasional sniff.
he was the first to break the silence, “thank you.”
“don’t thank me. you deserve this,” you stretched an arm out, reaching for the box of tissues, and squashing him a little in the process. he whined in complaint and you giggled, handing him a tissue, “besides, you were there for me before too, remember?”
it had been two years ago. a horrible night you’d spent crying in chifuyu’s embrace, cursing the world and yourself because, how didn’t i notice, why did she do it, it’s my fault, it’s my fault, it’s my fault.
losing your lover was probably what deepened your connection more than anything and caused chifuyu to open up to you and no one else. you understood. when you comforted him, you comforted the parts of you that were still stuck and would be forever. which is why you knew what he meant when he said, “i don’t know how the earth goes round.”
“yeah. everyone’s going on with their lives, it’s weird, right?”
chifuyu blew his nose and nodded, “how do they? why isn’t the world stopping?” his voice wobbled, “it stopped for me.”
you hug him again, this time resting your head on his shoulder, “i know,” was all you could say.
“i don’t know how i’m gonna move on,” he whispered, his voice breaking a little, “i can’t live without him.”
you felt chifuyu’s stomach cave in, heaving and then holding his breath, hot tears making their way down your neck.
you rubbed your hand up and down his nape, “we’ll figure it out, i promise.”
and promises were tricky, breakable if both of your experiences were any example. i’ll stay by your side. i won’t die.
but it was the pain of a broken promise that made you close, and it gave your words weight, “we’ll get through this,” you pulled him closer, “i love you.”
chifuyu pressed his wet cheek to the side of your neck, “i love you too.”
you stayed like that, cuddling, until both of your faces dried. you breathed slowly together, in sync. your arms were firm but soft, hoping to make him feel as safe as possible. it was peaceful, the calm after the storm, and you could easily fall asleep like that.
chifuyu spoke first, his voice groggy, “we should stop being cheesy.”
you let go, putting some space between you and scrunching your nose, “yeah, it’s getting romantic, huh?”
chifuyu gagged, making you laugh loudly and punch his arm. he followed, his smile genuine. you were happy to see it.
“we should schedule these crying sessions,” you said, placing your hands under your head, staring at the ceiling.
“and dates to the cemetery?”
“you’re sick,” you gasped, getting a cackle from chifuyu, “but yeah, actually, i think their graves are close.”
“let’s do it, then. friday?”
“sure,” you smiled.
you closed your eyes, smile still present faintly, “i’m glad to have you, fuyu.”
chifuyu snored next you, “yeah, yeah, whatever,” you shoved him, almost pushing him off the bed. chifuyu laughed, “we have each other, dumbass.”
“true. now get off my bed,” you deadpanned, pushing him off this time, “let’s go get hydrated.”
chifuyu smiled, getting up quickly, “yes, please, food too.”
you groaned, “oh, so much food.”
you left your bed to join him, “i have to change, though, don’t wanna walk around with your snot on me all day,” you contorted your face, disgusted.
“fuck you, my hair is all wet because of you!”
“so?” you quirked an eyebrow, “you’re not gonna tell me you style it or something, right?”
“i do! every morning! you ruined it!” chifuyu protested as you led him to the door by force.
you ushered him out of your room, slamming the door in his face, but that didn’t stop you from bickering through it as you changed.
it was nice. going back to normal after being so vulnerable. it was natural. you teased each other and joked around as you ate.
soon, your routine had a new addition, and every week it was a little easier. the pain you shared faded, some weeks coming back stronger than ever, other weeks feeling numb. healing was hard, not linear at all.
but the two of you were not alone. and that mattered the most.