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"But they did. They made a mistake."
Baekhyun takes a moment to himself while he gauges the man across him for any kind of reaction. But just like how the past hour has been, Chanyeol keeps mum and lets Baekhyun take the reins.
Baekhyun supposes the taller's silence has more to do with his surprise appearance. Chanyeol was expecting to meet Jongdae today and not him. To tell the full story. Maybe Chanyeol is still processing what to feel about him finally showing himself after being gone for almost two months without updates or any news of coming back. Baekhyun doesn't blame him, really.
However, more than just the silence, Chanyeol once in a while nods his head in understanding while Baekhyun drones on and on, and sometimes, shows his sympathy through light squeezes on Baekhyun's hand above the table. Baekhyun appreciates the kind gesture, but sometimes he can't help but wonder if there is more to it or it meant something deeper.
Baekhyun shoves the intruding thoughts away as quickly as they have come. He can't afford to be distracted now.
"Jongdae confessed to me everything that he thought had happened that day. He had mistaken the first baby to come out of the OR as someone else's child because my patient file happened to have a certain 'Mr. Park' on it for I was unidentified. He has also shown me a picture of this Mr. Park, but sadly I don't recognize him at all. Apparently, he was my savior. I owed my and my baby's lives to him."
Recalling the events that happened back in the hospital three years ago is hard enough as it is, but reliving all those memories once again just to give Chanyeol an idea of what had transpired is even harder.
The unpleasant memories only bring back fresh tears. Baekhyun can no longer contain the tears that are threatening to fall from his welling eyes, so he lets them run free.
He dabs the back of his hand against his wet cheeks and sniffles softly. Nearby tables are starting to gawk and whisper, the last thing he wants is to make a fool of himself in a public setting. Even inside his own cafe.
The hand that slides gently above his free one surprises him, however. It was warm and large, easily engulfing Baekhyun's slender one. It stays there for more than Baekhyun would like to admit. It's comforting and gives him a sense that he isn't alone in this. But somehow he's still confused.
Baekhyun tilts his head and spares Chanyeol a look of wonder, to which the latter only returns with a soft smile, eyes sparkling with understanding. Baekhyun remembers that look well enough.
It's the look that feels like he is back on the shores of Jeju where there is wet sand beneath his feet, briny sea breeze tousling his hair, the sound of waves hitting the shore, a large warm hand holding him close, and that same soft smile beaming for him that rivals the shine of a warm afternoon sun. It's the look of safety and comfort. It's the look of Chanyeol professing his intentions to be with him.
Baekhyun didn't think Chanyeol would still hold a torch for him even after what he had done—going away and hiding his own son from him for months.
Or at least that's what he makes out from that look in Chanyeol's face. One Baekhyun thinks is only reserved for him.
But times have changed. Their circumstances have changed.
The Baekhyun and Chanyeol from two months ago are different from the Baekhyun and Chanyeol sitting across each other now. Baekhyun doesn't think Chanyeol still holds the same opinion of him as before. Something has changed for sure.
And he is most likely just overthinking things that aren't even there. Like he has always done in the past.
The long stretch of silence and Baekhyun's continuous staring has prompted Chanyeol to finally speak his mind.
"If it's too hard for you to continue with the story, that's okay. We can do this again some other time. I'm not in a rush. I'm just glad you and Yuan are back."
Chanyeol pulls a handkerchief from his pocket and wipes the rest of Baekhyun's face for him. Baekhyun murmurs a soft thanks before he answers.
"That's okay. You have every right to know. And I think I've delayed things for far too long already, don't you think?" Baekhyun manages a small chuckle which Chanyeol reciprocates with one of his own. This talk has been a long time coming and they both know it. "We're almost to the end now, anyway. I just want to get this done and over with so we can move on with our lives."
"If that's what you want." Chanyeol relents and releases Baekhyun's hand after a long squeeze.
The taller has shown nothing but patience and kindness since Baekhyun has started his story, detailing every single thing from his running away after Jeju, meeting Jongdae, and eventually going to therapy. Not once did Chanyeol interrupted him nor has he shown any untoward feelings.
Baekhyun, however, can sense there is something bothering him with the way he opens and closes his mouth as if he's restraining himself.
"What is it? I feel like you wanted to ask me something."
Chanyeol contemplates for a beat, before he eventually settles for, "Uhm... I'm not a carrier myself so I don't have this carrier instinct that they call but I just wanted to ask—if you think I'm overstepping my bounds, you don't have to answer—"
An encouraging nod from Baekhyun is all takes for Chanyeol to continue.
"How... How were you able to tell the baby boy wasn't your child? You said you were knocked out during the C-section. And you didn't remember how you got to the hospital until Jongdae had told you. What brought it?"
Ah. Baekhyun's dream. Or at this point, his not so much of a dream after all.
This is his worst fears coming to light, confronting a dark part of him he has long decided was a thing of the past now.
But before he came here and decided to come clean, he had promised himself he'd spare no details, if Chanyeol were to ask. So Baekhyun takes a deep breath and opens his own Pandora's box.
"I was in a daze the first time I woke up after the procedure. I couldn't feel from the waist down, my vision was swimming, and I was in so much pain that I wished I hadn't woken up. I didn't understand where I was or what I was doing in the hospital. My friend was also there."
Baekhyun's roaming eyes find Minseok at the counter ringing an order and he smiles at the memory.
"Minseok was the first person I saw after I opened my eyes and I instantly panicked because the last I remember, I was supposed to bring him some documents. He explained to me what happened and why I was there. The doctors had to perform an emergency C-section and I wasn't awake the entire time. I was ecstatic, nonetheless. My baby was finally born."
Just like how all first-time fathers would normally feel. It meant the whole world to Baekhyun.
"Not long after, a nurse knocked on my door, wheeling a bassinet in. I was so happy, you see. So happy that I cried there and then, I hadn't even seen the baby yet. But that was until the baby was passed down to my arms."
Baekhyun releases a heavy breath he hasn't noticed he was holding. There is a hint of pity in Chanyeol's eyes and Baekhyun braces himself for the worst.
"The baby boy cried as soon as I held him and that was when it happened. The cry triggered a distant memory in me. It felt distant, but at the same time, just within my grasp. Like it just happened moments ago. Everything soon blackened, there was no Minseok, there was no nurse, there was no baby boy. Just me in a dark room. I couldn't explain what it was exactly but suddenly, there were voices echoing in my head. And there was this phantom feeling of lying there on the table, open, as if I was transported back to when the procedure was happening.
"I remembered seeing red behind my closed eyelids, I could hear nurses and doctors working all over me. I remembered the sound of machines whirring and beeping above, every single step and conversation, until a sharp, piercing cry made everything else a mere background noise. My whole world had stopped then. I remembered the feeling of my heart inflating, swelling and swelling like it was going to burst. Different emotions were rushing through my body all at once, but it was more of intense love and joy.
"Because then I realized, while I remembered lying there on the table, I was hearing my baby's first ever cry. I thought it was the most beautiful sound I've ever heard of my entire life. The sound of life; an extension of my heart and my soul—"
Baekhyun chokes on the last word just as he notices a gentle finger under one of his welling lashes. Baekhyun watches as Chanyeol wipes his tears away and tips a glass of water to his mouth. Baekhyun drinks the offered drink and mouths his gratitude after. The liquid sloshes down his parched throat, pushing down the heavy lump growing inside it.
It keeps getting harder and harder telling this story as time stretches by. But he has come a long way, it would be a shame to stop now.
"And then in a blink of an eye, I'm back to my hospital room. When I heard the baby boy crying in my arms, I felt none of that. I hadn't felt any connection, the baby felt like a total stranger. I was staring at the babe in my arms but felt nothing. The cries were different as I remembered it was. Maybe it was my carrier instinct, but something was just telling me that baby wasn't mine. So I gave it back to the nurse and shut everyone else. I was feeling everything and nothing all at the same time, there was just too much going on."
Baekhyun remembered crying himself to sleep then, worrying about where his real baby might have been. If she had been fed, if she had been nursed. Baekhyun kept asking Minseok to find his baby for him because he'd die if he wouldn't see his baby girl.
"And you mentioned a while ago you told Jongdae you had dreamt of a girl?" Chanyeol interrupts his train of thoughts, like he knows what Baekhyun is thinking at the moment.
"Yes, that too." Baekhyun confirms. "I remembered towards the end of that distant memory, when I felt like succumbing back to sleep again, I heard a female doctor announcing to the whole staff that I had given birth to a healthy baby girl. And that's where it all stopped. I couldn't remember anything after. But it was enough to make me refuse the baby boy the nurses were claiming to be mine."
Baekhyun was so disappointed and enraged when the nurses kept telling him the stranger baby boy was his. Like they knew him better than he was. It had come to a point where Baekhyun almost hurt the baby after forcefully trying to push the bassinet away.
"The nurses dismissed my crying episode as a drug-induced hallucination brought about by my C-section. They said it was possible the drugs had messed up my brain and emotions and I was hearing or remembering things that weren't really there. The physical and emotional strain of the procedure was too much for my small body, it messed up my entire system."
"And you didn't push through with this feeling, you accepted what the nurses said for the truth?"
"Y-Yeah." Baekhyun avoids eye contact, suddenly ashamed. He tries to focus his gaze on a loose thread on his jeans. He picks on the thread and plays around with it.
If Baekhyun were asked this same question two months ago, he would have answered without the waver in his voice. Baekhyun let the nurses think he was crazy because he had felt the shame of his actions the next day.
But he was not after all...
"After my outburst, Minseok encouraged me to rest and sleep more. The next time I woke up was the next day, I believe. Minseok helped me recall what happened and tried to make me see the bigger picture. I felt much better than the day before and so I decided to give nursing another go. I wasn't expecting anything, but what happened next forever changed my life.
"When the baby boy was brought back to me, I was so surprised because his tiny hand immediately held my index finger. All of sudden, without prompt, as soon as Yuan was in my arms he held my finger. He was awake but he was not crying. He was so behaved, he didn't shed a tear like he knew his crying would make me lose myself again. Baby Yuan was just staring at me with his big doe eyes. He held my finger so close to his chest like he was afraid to let me go. I tried taking it back but he won't budge and only held me tighter, as if he was saying: 'Don't push me away again, daddy. What have I done?'
"And then I started crying again. I asked the question myself: What have I done?"
Baekhyun remembers the feeling of letting down his baby like it just happened yesterday. Baekhyun remembers the guilt and the shame.
"I felt so guilty afterward. I felt the absolute worst. I felt so sorry for feeling nothing the first time and for shoving him away. What kind of sick father second-guesses a child he has longed to see and touch for nine months? I was blessed with the gift of life and I so ungratefully turned it away. I almost hurt this baby with my own hands trying to push him away. I felt so ashamed of myself and thought I didn't deserve this baby in any way.
"That one tiny gesture melted all my doubts and resolves. Just one action shifted my perspectives and restarted my heart. I didn't want to fight and resist anymore. Instead, I wanted to fight for this baby.
"I guess all it took was that much-needed rest for me to realize how wrong I was. I cried then, as I hugged the baby close to me, as I littered every visible patch of skin available to me with kisses of apology, asking for his forgiveness. This innocent baby didn't ask for a father like me when all he wanted was to be loved. I was a crappy father for the first 24 hours of his life and he didn't deserve that.
"So I vowed then, to be the father he deserved. I promised my one-day-old child that I would never doubt him again for anything. Whatever it took, I would only believe in the bond between the two of us. I won't give up my child again just because someone else was saying he wasn't mine."
And as Baekhyun stares at Chanyeol from across the table, he watches as a look of realization washes over the taller's face.
"So back in Jeju, when you heard Jongdae said that Yuan wasn't your son, you..."
"I ran away," Baekhyun finishes the sentence for Chanyeol. He repeats the words, this time more resolute of himself. "I ran away, Yeol. I was only intending to keep that promise I made three years ago. I wasn't going to put myself through all of that over again. The guilt, the shame. It ate me away. I still haven't forgiven myself until now, do you know? Every day, I try to bury that horrible feeling with a happy memory with my son until I can finally put it away behind us. I was doing great for the past three years. Until Jeju happened."
"I'm so sorry, Baek. I didn't know. I'm so sorry." Is all that Chanyeol says.
Jongdae's words and apology ring true in his mind. It was the same exact words he heard from Jongdae too.
But he was not the only one who has wronged anyone and needed to apologize.
Now that he has finally said his piece, it's his turn to ask for Chanyeol's forgiveness. Baekhyun blindly feels for Chanyeol's hand at the table and lays his hand above it, the same way the taller has done. He needs Chanyeol to feel how sincere he is when he says this.
"I'm sorry, too. To be honest, when I first heard about your conversation with Jongdae, I blocked everything else that followed right after: 'Yuan is not my biological son.' I refused to believe in anything that Jongdae had said because it brought me back to that day at the hospital. And I don't want a repeat of that again. My mind went to a bad place, I thought your getting to know me meant you're getting close to my son too. And when I have trusted you enough, you'd eventually take him away. I thought that was what you wanted all along."
"Baek, no—I didn't know. It wasn't my intention—"
"I know," Baekhyun interrupts Chanyeol before he apologizes further for Baekhyun's own misgivings. "I know, Yeol. Jongdae has told me everything. I was wrong to assume things without hearing the full story. I was wrong for hiding Yuan from you. I was wrong for a lot of things, but you must know, I was only protecting myself and my son from what I thought was harm. In turn, I harmed you back. I'm sorry, Chanyeol."
Chanyeol overturns their hands so he can properly slot his fingers in the space between Baekhyun's slender digits. Between before Baekhyun came into the cafe where he sat across Chanyeol and now, Baekhyun hasn't notice how much Chanyeol has scooched over. He hasn't noticed when Chanyeol got out of his seat to sit beside him.
They're awfully close to each other now, their shoulders brushing kind of distance. It is so close that he can see the little stubble Chanyeol is growing on the side of his jaw. Baekhyun doesn't mind in the very least, he hasn't seen him in two months. But this close-up view, he dares say, is not good for his heart.
There is not much that Chanyeol is saying besides his apology after Baekhyun's version of the truth. Dumping this heavy load on the taller, Baekhyun supposes, is not easy to get over with. And he understands that. Chanyeol needs time to process things too.
But he'd be lying if he said he didn't appreciate the silence.
After the constant noise and nagging in his head for the past two months, Baekhyun isn't sure he even knows what peace and silence feel like.
But right now, with Chanyeol softly breathing beside him and playing with his fingers like a little child, it feels so good. Chanyeol spares him a side glance and cheeky smile and it's all Baekhyun needs to feel welcomed. Baekhyun feels so good to be finally back.
After a while, Chanyeol decides to break their comfortable silence. Baekhyun notes how the taller isn't making any effort to move back to his seat nor break their entwined hands. He docks his head down to hide the heat that crept up from his neck to his cheeks. Chanyeol mapping every line on his palm with his finger is doing wonders to his heart.
"What made you decide to come back now? Besides Jongdae tracking you down until the ends of the earth, I presume? He can be a real pain in the ass if he's determined."
What Chanyeol said forces a laugh out of Baekhyun. Oh, Minseok took the brunt of that. Jongdae did not stop until he got what he wanted. But he's grateful to him, for the most part. It must not have been easy coming forward and admitting a mistake, no matter how old and grave it was.
Baekhyun does not blame Jongdae for the mixed-up, too. It was cruel of the universe to do this to him and another family. No one should ever be put through this kind of emotional damage.
But then again, Baekhyun couldn't imagine himself without the presence of Yuan. What he would have been without his dear son? And what would his life be if he fought through his instinct and lived with his real daughter instead?
These are just some of the many questions that kept Baekhyun awake each night for the past two months. He wanted answers and he knew just where to find them. They come in the form of the father-and-daughter duo who live in the next building across his. It is why he has decided to come back.
"I owed you an explanation, at the least," Baekhyun says after a moment of thinking. "I heard from Jongdae that you guys made up and he was going to meet you. I saw my window and asked him if I could do it in his place. He was more than happy to let me. So here I am."
Chanyeol looks a bit disappointed by his answer, so Baekhyun pushes through.
"Also... if I have wondered all these times about my real daughter, I figured you must have about your real son too. You are a victim as much as I am and it was unfair of me to deal with this alone and in my own way. I didn't consider your feelings and for that, I apologize. I wanted to keep Yuan for myself that I had forgotten you and Eunji exist. I'm not Yuan's only father now as Yuan is not my only child. Our circumstances have changed."
That has seemed to satisfy Chanyeol at the least, if the sudden tightness on their tangled hands is any indication. Chanyeol rubs soothing circles at the back of his palm with his thumb as he watches the slow cafe evening unfold before them.
“You must think me cruel and selfish for choosing to leave my daughter behind,” Baekhyun starts again to fill the silence. Before Chanyeol can retort, he beats him to it. “I thought about that too, Yeol. She never left my mind. I thought about how she doesn’t know me more than just a neighborhood uncle like how I only know her as the adorable daughter of my very handsome neighbor.”
Chanyeol cracks a smile at the offhanded comment.
“You see, I don’t know her, Yeol. I don’t know her enough past her name, her favorite food, and her schedule at the daycare. I lost three years of my life without her. I wasn’t there on her baptism, I wasn’t there when she first walked, her first word, her first three birthdays. I missed so much of her life growing up.
"It was easier to hide and run away because all those times I just thought she doesn’t know I’m her real father. She won’t ever recognize me because she has you. She won’t love me like how she loves you. And I admit, I once thought maybe it was for the better. Because I’ll never be half as good as the father you have been to her—“
At that, Chanyeol shushes him with a finger to his lips.
“That’s not true. Stop being unfair to yourself.”
Chanyeol’s tone is strict and demanding, but Baekhyun catches the gentleness and care behind it just the same. When Baekhyun doesn’t seem to retaliate, Chanyeol lowers his finger and gives Baekhyun’s hand that is nestled in his lap a good squeeze.
“While that is true that you lost three years of your life without her and you missed some important milestones in her life, how is that ever going to compare to a lifetime you can spend with her now that you’re here? You came back. That is what matters.
"And she’s still a toddler, Baek. Heck, she’s still a baby in my eyes. There is still Eunji’s first day at formal school, talking about her first crush, her graduation, first boyfriend or girlfriend; there’s so much more for her to do with her life and nothing will make me happier than knowing you’re now here to witness and share that joy with me.
"And if I ever thought you selfish or cruel for leaving her behind? I didn’t. I admit I was disappointed at first but I never thought you were selfish. Because I’m just like you. I missed my son’s first milestones. I lost three years of my life without Yuan. But you know what made me sleep at night those months that you were gone? I knew he was in good hands. My son went to a loving, caring father who prioritizes Yuan first before his own self and would do anything for his safety and happiness. You showed that to me the very moment I met you. And what you had told me today, only strengthened my belief.
"The three years you lost without Eunji, you made up with the three years you spent loving and caring for my son. So don’t be so hard on yourself, Baek. I’m the most thankful Yuan went into your care in spite of this messy situation we found ourselves in. You’re my silver lining.”
If before Baekhyun wasn’t sure he looked like a fool for ugly crying inside his very public cafe, now he is.
Baekhyun feels like the Han river is pouring over his eyes from the amount of tears continuously flowing down. He can barely make out Chanyeol’s face from the blurriness obscuring his vision. And he cannot stop wailing because he doesn’t ever deserve this man.
Baekhyun came here expecting the least, that Chanyeol might never forgive him nor will he ever understand where he was coming from.
But he has totally underestimated the goodness and kindness of Park Chanyeol’s big heart. How is it possible to have this understanding man before him, holding him close, wiping the tears off his eyes and cheek, murmuring everything’s going to be okay from now on?
How lucky is he and his long-lost daughter to have met Park Chanyeol?
The answer to that is simply immeasurable.
When Baekhyun has somehow calmed down from the onslaught of tears and snot combined, he excuses himself to go to the washroom to fix himself and wash his tired, puffy face. Baekhyun is most definitely an ugly crier and if Chanyeol will like him less because of this, he completely understands.
When he comes out of the washroom, Chanyeol is still there waiting for him in their spot, sitting quietly and sipping his already cold coffee. Not that Baekhyun expects him to have gone home, but he sure has given him enough reasons to want to.
Baekhyun never once thought his talk with Chanyeol would end up anything like this. It is much more than that he has hoped for. Chanyeol is so much more than what he deserves.
And Baekhyun is determined not to waste any more of what Chanyeol is continuously giving him.
When he comes back to their booth and sits down beside the taller, Baekhyun finds his hands are easily nestled within the warmth and comfort of Chanyeol’s large hands. Baekhyun doesn’t know what it is but Chanyeol can’t seem to let go of his hands.
But he doesn’t object to it either. If anything, Chanyeol’s touch has been his steady rock on this weary day.
Baekhyun doesn’t do anything besides slotting their fingers together and laying them snugly atop the taller’s lap. It puts a smile on his face and a lovely blush on his cheek. If he's to go all out, a tiny ray of hope blooms in his heart when Chanyeol only welcomes it.
"So... what do you want to do now?" Chanyeol asks after some time.
"I don't know, Yeol. I am lost in this world of adulthood and parenthood, I felt trapped in the middle of it. And I'm still trying to turn things around in my life for the better. It hasn't been that long since I became a father, I still make selfish and crappy decisions. But I'm learning to grow out of them and unlearn these bad habits. I still have a lot to grow and sacrifices to be made."
"I understand that Baek, and I'm willing to help you in any way I can. But I'm asking the now. What do you want to do with our situation? Our switched children?"
Oh.
That conundrum...
Well, there's only one thing that Baekhyun has in mind right now. He has thought hard about it, and he just hopes Chanyeol agrees with his plan. Or at least they can make a compromise out of their own plans, if they were to have different opinions.
"The truth is..." Baekhyun starts, and Chanyeol turns to his side to better hear and see him. "I have accepted Yuan as mine, Chanyeol. I made my peace with it. We have a really strong bond and my son is attached to me in every way possible. And I'm determined to see him grow under my upbringing. I gather you feel the same way about Eunji too?"
Chanyeol nods, so Baekhyun continues.
"However, I also want us to—"