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“Mr. Dazai, I have no issues with working with Akutagawa, but you have to understand that he would rather kill me than breathe the same air as me,” Atsushi tried his best to explain without whining, though his plea fell on deaf ears, or rather, Dazai’s selectively hearing ears.
“As long as one person is willing, everything will work out! And besides, poor Akutagawa probably just doesn’t know how to interact with you just yet. After all, he was trying to murder you at first.”
Atsushi shuddered at the thought. Yes, Dazai did have a point. Rather than leaving home with the intention of killing Atsushi, Akutagawa had improved to the point of leaving home for non-homicidal purposes. Though he’d still try to stab Atsushi with his Rashoumon if he could. Not exactly ideal, even with Atsushi’s regenerative powers.
“That’s exactly what I’m saying! How can I trust someone who was dead set on killing me and still thinks threatening to kill me now is fine?”
Dazai grinned. “You know how boys are when they’re around their crush, don’t you Atsushi?”
“That- that’s not what this is about!” Atsushi screamed, his face going beet red.
Akutagawa and romantic feelings were so far removed from each other in Atsushi’s barely computing brain. And Akutagawa definitely had Atsushi’s name much closer to hatred than any other kind of feeling.
“But it is! I know Akutagawa better than he knows himself, and I tell you that he is so confused by his feelings towards you that he’s short circuited and defaulted to anger. Very much like another man I know all too well,” Dazai said, like some all knowing oracle as he diligently doodled in the margins of the paperwork Kunikida had given him.
Atsushi set his pen down. He needed a moment to process the absolutely horrifying thought of Akutagawa even remotely being nice to him, much less being in love with him. He could feel his soul leaving his body. Yeah, no. He valued the remaining sanity he had and simply could not deal with this right now.
“Just give it a shot. All you have to do is figure out a time and place with Akutagawa, and go over strategies for using your abilities together.”
Atsushi gulped. “And he already knows about this, right?”
“Of course. Chuuya should’ve gone over it by now with him.”
This would serve the Agency well. There was no backing down now.
“How am I supposed to contact him?”
Dazai turned to look at him from his paperwork, clearly amused. “Contact him? There is no contacting Akutagawa unless you’re giving him orders, or you’re his sister. He’ll find you.”
He’ll find you. Right. He’d find Atsushi and put him in his grave, too.
“Do you have any questions about the mission?” Kunikida asked.
“No sir,” Atsushi lied. It would be better for Ranpo to tease him about being stupid than invoke Kunikida’s wrath by asking questions that would’ve been answered had he been listening.
“Good. Get going then.”
Atsushi nodded.
“Lead the way, Atsushi!” Ranpo cheered, gently kicking Atsushi’s shin with his shiny loafers. It was more of a prod than anything.
He skipped down the stairs, then walked slowly when Kunikida yelled down the hall about workplace etiquette, and made it out the door. He stopped as soon as the door had closed. Ranpo bumped into his back with more force than expected, as if it was on purpose.
Turning to face Ranpo, he started confessing. “I’m gonna be honest, I have no idea where we’re going right now, or what our job even is.”
Ranpo took his lollipop out of his mouth and kissed his teeth.
“Then we are officially without directions,” he declared, staring at Atsushi with such disdain as if he could have done any better with navigating.
It really wasn’t Atsushi’s fault. The impending notion (read: threat) of Akutagawa just appearing had made Atsushi jumpy since when Dazai had first told him about it that morning. Anyone would be just as alert (read: terrified) if they knew a murderous mafioso who had tried to kill you on several occasions was to approach them at any given moment.
“Man-tiger,” a voice that unmistakably belonged to said murderous mafioso bellowed from behind Atsushi.
Atsushi flinched, barely keeping himself from latching onto the shoulders of Ranpo, who was as unbothered as always.
“Akutagawa,” he choked out as evenly as possible.
“Are you busy right now?” Akutagawa asked, staring at the concrete rather than Atsushi.
Akutagawa suddenly being courteous was suspicious, but Atsushi ignored his gut instinct telling him to bolt, because what could this be if not another request for a death-match? Yes, Atsushi was choosing to ignore the fact that Akutagawa had proper ground to approach him.
“Well, we would’ve been busy had Atsushi been able to escort me to our job,” Ranpo piped up. The pettiness in his voice reminded Atsushi of a toddler whose parents bought them a green toy when they had specifically asked for a red toy of the same variety.
A moment passed. “You two are lost?”
“Yup!” Ranpo said.
Akutagawa furrowed his eyebrows. “But you’re right in front of the Agency. Why not go back and ask for directions from whoever briefed you?”
Ranpo sighed with the most bored look on his face, as if he was trying to explain a very simple concept to a dense child. “Kunikida would yell at us for being incompetent.”
“I understand that,” Akutagawa replied solemnly, “If you tell me the address I can take you there,” he offered.
If Atsushi was suspicious before, now he was absolutely certain that Akutagawa was going to lead them to some alleyway and murder them. Again, it did not matter that Akutagawa had actual ground to approach Atsushi. Every survival instinct in Atsushi told him to run but this didn’t seem to be the case for Ranpo who had already given Akutagawa the details.
“Oh. That’s the old factory. Follow me,” he said, walking away without waiting for confirmation.
Ranpo strolled behind Akutagawa, sucking on his lollipop and humming a song that was used in a commercial for debt during the holiday season. Why he was singing a Christmas ad during the middle of summer, Atsushi did not know. Atsushi scrambled to catch up to them. Akutagawa really did walk fast. Was this the life of a known mafia member? Or was Akutagawa just gay and therefore naturally walked faster than most? Akutagawa… Gay? Atsushi had to pinch himself to redirect his thoughts. It was wrong to assume someone else’s sexuality even if Atsushi himself was bi. Well, whichever way Akutagawa swung, he’d have no trouble in the dating scene with his looks. Atsushi tried his best to look at Akutagawa from the corner of his eye. Akutagawa was hot. Speaking purely objectively, of course. Anyone would say the same- his face was pretty, very pretty in fact, and his hair-
“What’s the matter, Atsushi? You seem distracted,” Ranpo asked. At some point, he had appeared right next to Atushsi.
“Huh? Everything’s fine, I was just.. Thinking about stuff.”
“Really? ‘Cause it seems to me you were checking out our guide.”
His cheeks felt hot and he knew that was not helping his case. He was not checking out Akutagawa. Atsushi was just taking note of the way Akutagawa looked because he had thought Akutagawa was hot and then wanted to double check. He cringed as the realization set in. Yeah, no, that was the very definition of checking someone out.
“I wasn’t!” he yelped, then remembered that Akutagawa was just within earshot, so he whispered, “I really wasn’t, I swear.”
Ranpo smirked. “There’s no use in lying to a detective as great as me. But don’t worry, I sympathize. Our guide is quite aesthetically pleasing. He has that whole brooding thing going on for him. Not really my thing, but go for it, Atsushi!” he said, all too loudly for Atsushi’s liking, as he forcefully patted him on the shoulder.
“Thank...you?”
Atsushi wasn’t sure if Ranpo was teasing him but he decided on thinking of it as Ranpo being oddly supportive. Not that there was anything he needed to be supportive of though, since Atsushi didn’t like Akutagawa.
Akutagawa cleared his throat dramatically. Or it might’ve been a standard cough, Atsushi wasn’t sure.
“We’re here.”
In front of them was a massive stone building. Under the sunlight of late noon, Atsushi could see that it was evidently old and out of use with all the cracks and “NO TRESPASSING” signs plastered on the chain link fence. In the distance, he could make out a couple police cruisers.
Ranpo threw his lollipop stick on the ground and cheered. “We’re here!”
He let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Maybe Akutagawa didn’t actually want to kill him anymore. “Thanks.”
Akutagawa nodded curtly.
“Yeah, thanks Mr. Port Mafia Guide. We can take it from here.”
“Actually, I need to talk to the man-tiger.”
“ Oho ? I won’t get in the way of young love,” said 26-year-old Ranpo as he went off in the direction of the cluster of cruisers.
“You’ve got the wrong idea!” Atsushi practically screeched, professionalism gone with the wind. Kunikida would be more than disappointed in him.
He adjusted his perfectly tied tie, his hands too jittery to be left alone. Speaking up first would give him some higher ground in this arg- conversation that he was already losing footing in.
“So, when and where?”
Akutagawa’s eyes went wide (truly a sight to behold due to his eyebrows, or lack thereof), his lips parted slightly. Was that red in his pale cheeks? Was his anemia progressing into a fever? Did anemia even progress?!
“Today after you finish up this job. And at the park downtown.”
“Do you want me to pick you up from somewhere instead? I don’t know how long it’ll take to finish up and I don’t want you waiting on me.”
He scoffed , or at least Atsushi thought he did. He was never really sure if Akutagawa was just coughing or trying to make dramatic noises.
“You’re with the only actual detective in your Agency. I suspect you’ll be done long before I even make it back to my house. I’ll just wait here.”
Akutagawa living in a house had never crossed Atsushi’s mind and now that it was his brain simply refused to register the fact that Akutagawa probably wore brightly coloured rubber gloves while washing dishes. Domestic!Akutagawa was both incredibly hilarious and truly horrifying.
“Suit yourself.” Atsushi shrugged with the most neutral expression as if he wasn’t vividly imagining Akutagawa in a cute apron making dinner for him and his sister. His acting skills had seriously gotten better after months of putting up with Dazai’s antics.
“So? How did it go?” Ranpo asked, swinging his legs as he played on his GameCube. The case had been solved, and now they were taking a quick break on the bench before heading out. Atsushi wasn’t sure how Ranpo was looking at the screen when the setting sun was shining directly on his screen, but he didn’t ask.
“We’re gonna go over using our abilities in tandem at the park once I’m done here.”
Ranpo looked up from his GameCube. “You’re meeting up about work ?”
Was that sarcasm? “Yeah, of course.”
For a moment, neither of them said anything. Ranpo smiled, that infuriating fox-like smile he did whenever he had figured something out but didn’t enlighten anyone else. He turned his head back towards his GameCube with a coy “Have fun discussing work .”
Normally, he’d take that as a cue to leave, but he couldn’t just leave Ranpo in the city without anyone to take him back to the Agency. Atsushi sighed.
“We should get going. I don’t want to keep Akutagawa waiting for too long,” he said, standing up.
“You go to your date already. The cop with a mole on his cheek agreed to drop me off.”
Ignoring the bit about their work meeting being a date, ‘agreed’? Ranpo had most definitely harassed the poor officer about it being his duty to help people get around town. Atsushi decided it would be best to drop doughnuts off with the officer tomorrow. Though, this was Ranpo trying to be considerate, wasn’t it?
“I’ll see you at the office tomorrow then,” Atsushi said with a small wave. Even Ranpo, as high maintenance and frankly speaking childish as he was, was looking out for him.
“Bye bye!”
Atsushi made his way through the neatly cut grass. He wondered vaguely if the city paid for the grass to be mowed. Ranpo had been teasing him all day about Akutagawa, and it left an effect on Atsushi. He could admit Akutagawa was hot. Anyone could. But now, he literally could not stop thinking about him. He found himself asking himself the timeless question of ‘is it butterflies or just anxiety because I’m on my way to meet an assassin one-on-on.’
As his feet were met with pavement instead of grass and the sound of traffic got louder, Atushsi saw Akutagawa leaned up against the outside of the chain link fence. He was sitting down with his knees hugged to his chest.
“Akutagawa, let’s go,” Atsushi said as he exited through the gap in the fence and approached him. Akutagawa didn’t budge.
“Hey, did you hear me? Let’s g-” he cut himself off. Akutagawa’s eyes were closed… He was sleeping.
He crouched down in front of Akutagawa and tapped his shoulder. Akutagawa had really long eyelashes. And his face looked a lot prettier when it wasn’t tense with his usual scowl. He had a little mole on the base of his neck. But the frills on his white blouse covered it. Atsushi bit his tongue. His hand hovered over the frills, hesitantly. He shouldn’t move it so he could look at it better. That’d be… an invasion of privacy. But god, he wanted to. Wanted to so badly. How could he not, when Akutagawa was- No. That thought process was too dangerous. He swallowed, and allowed himself to graze the silky material.
“What are you doing, man-tiger?” Akutagawa asked, his voice slow (and raspy, but Atsushi’s already melting brain could not process anything more).
Atsushi jerked his hand away and fell onto his butt. “Nothing! Sorry! I was just trying to wake you up and then I saw a bug on your neck and then I thought it might’ve been poisonous-” Akutagawa raised his hand as if to ask Atsushi to stop.
Akutagawa covered his mouth as he coughed, and Atsushi had to concentrate on not staring at him. Shit, how long had he been awake? Did he buy what Atsushi had spewed? The embarrassment was too much.
Slowly, Akutagawa got up, and Atsushi followed suit.
“Do you want crepes?” Akutagawa asked.
Atsushi nearly spit his bottled tap water out. After an unbearably silent walk to the park in which Atsushi was left to wallow in mortification, the first thing Akutagawa had asked was if he wanted crepes. What he wanted was to buy a shovel, dig a hole six feet deep, crawl in and never leave. Instead, he put on his customer service smile and said, “It’s getting late. Why don’t we have dinner instead?”
Akutagawa had that same dazed reaction from when Atsushi had asked the details of their meeting. Was he not getting medical attention? Maybe he should take Akutagawa to see Dr. Yosano. Actually, that probably wasn’t the best idea. Dr. Yosano would dissect him even if all he had was the common cold.
“Okay.”
Atsushi smiled again, for real this time because he was hungry and something had finally gone smoothly. He led Akutagawa to a food stall in the park. He ordered for Akutagawa as well, since he was evidently not feeling too well.
After paying the vendor, he found them a bench near the small river that wound through the park. He sat down and handed Akutagawa a hot dog.
“Here!”
Gingerly, he took the hot dog. Atsushi watched as Akutagawa scowled at the hot dog. He was aware that Akutagawa hated everything (emo, as Dazai had put it), but why would he hate perfectly good food? Did he not like hot dogs?
“Is something wrong?”
“How do you eat this?” he asked, his eyes gone dark.
Atsushi bit down a gloating smile. Ryuunosuke Akutagawa, Valued Assassin of the Port Mafia, did not know how to eat a hot dog. He kind of reminded Atsushi of an overgrown puppy.
“You eat it horizontally.. Sort of like a spring roll? Here, just watch me.”
He demonstrated by taking a bite out of his hot dog. He turned to Akutagawa, who nodded earnestly, then took a bite. Akutagawa’s eyes widened.
“This is delicious,” he said flatly.
“When you say it like that it doesn’t sound genuine…”
Akutagawa was too busy eating to respond, but it made Atsushi glad that he liked the hot dog that much. They sat in amiable silence, eating side by side as they watched the ducks swim by. Once Akutagawa had finished his hot dog, he got up.
“Want another?” Atsushi guessed. At the speed that he’d eaten at, it’d only make sense for an adult with an adult-sized appetite to want more.
“Yes.”
Atsushi frowned, albeit jokingly, and at the risk of sounding prissy he channelled his best Kunikida impression and said, “You could say please, you know.”
“Yes, please,” Akutagawa said without so much as batting one of his ridiculously long eyelashes. Were his eyelashes that long to compensate for his nonexistent eyebrows? Atsushi shook his head, as if that would clear his head of the vivid image of Akutagawa with proper eyebrows. Making haste, he ordered two more hot dogs from the friendly looking middle-aged woman at the food stall.
“My son is also like you,” the vendor said as she handed Atsushi the food.
“Pardon?”
“He has a boyfriend, too. I think it’s very sweet.”
Him and Akutagawa… as boyfriends. As if that could ever be a thing. Though, he was glad that her son had a supportive mom. Half a beat passed in silence as Atsushi thought about denying it. But did it really matter? It wasn’t like he was ever going to see this vendor again unless he came back for hot dogs at this specific park.
“Yeah, it is. And I’m glad that you’re supportive of your son,” he replied warmly, once again donning his customer service smile.
“Of course. Now, you get these hot dogs to your boyfriend before they cool down!”
Still smiling, he left. The idea of him dating Akutagawa was ridiculous. Extremely ridiculous, but it made Atsushi kind of giddy. Imagine having a cute (emo) boyfriend to share hot dogs with at the park while watching a beautiful sunset by the river… Definitely wasn’t him, but a boy sure could daydream. But not now. He was here for work, and yet they hadn’t even started to discuss their abilities.
“Here you go.”
“Thanks,” Akutagawa grunted rather than said.
“But you know, we do have to get around to figuring out our abilities so I can fill out a report for Mr. Dazai.”
Akutagawa took a bite. “Why do you want to do that now?”
“Huh? Because that’s why we’re here?” He stared at Akutagawa as if he had grown a tail.
“But we’re on a…” he trailed off.
“A bench. What does that have to do with anything?” Atushsi asked, slightly irritated. He had never assumed Akutagawa would be one to slack off.
Now it was Akutagawa’s turn to look at Atsushi as if he had grown a tail (which, in all fairness, he might’ve if his ability was acting out).
“Did Mr. Dazai tell you we should meet up and discuss our abilities?”
“Yeah, he did. Did your senior not tell you the same?” He could see the gears turning in Akutagawa’s mind. What conclusions he was making, however, Atsushi didn’t know.
Akutagawa went silent all of a sudden. Then, he got up despite not having finished his hot dog. He muttered something under his breath, and then loudly said “I’m going home.”
Atsushi sprang up, letting his half-eaten hot dog fall onto the bench. The vendor would be disappointed in him, but he couldn’t worry about that right now.
“Wait! Why? Is something wrong?”
If Akutagawa heard him, he didn’t show it. He was walking away at that stupidly fast pace again. Why had he left so suddenly? Was he seriously not feeling well? Or was it something Atsushi had said? Atsushi had to break out into a light jog just to catch up to him. He put his hand on Akutagawa’s shoulder to stop him from behind, his usual apprehension to be so handsy with him gone.
“What’s the matter? Can I help with anything.?” he tried again. He could feel his heartbeat in his ears and it definitely wasn’t from the barely ten metres he had jogged.
“Let go of me.”
He swallowed. “Fine. Just don’t start walking.”
After a moment to see if Akutagawa would agree, nothing happened. In this rare case, he decided to assume silence meant agreeing to the compromise. He dropped his hand, and when Akutagawa didn’t bolt, he was relieved.
“Are you not feeling well?” Atsushi asked carefully.
“I’m feeling downright sunny,” Akutagawa spat.
Atsushi winced. He was glad he was staring at Akutagawa’s nape rather than the scowl he probably had on. He had done something to upset Akutagawa. He didn’t know what, or when, or how. But he had, and he needed to fix this before Akutagawa hated him more than he probably already did.
“I’m sorry,” the apology left his mouth before he even realized he was saying it, “ Is there anything I can do to help? Do you want me to take you home or-”
“I don’t need your help.”
Right. Of course. Atsushi was the last person that was capable of helping. He should just leave before he makes things worse. Fuck, he always made things worse. He watched as Akutagawa started walking away.
“Yo! A-tsu-shi! How are things coming along?”
Atsushi turned to meet his face of the voice, though he already had a solid guess as to who would’ve tracked them all the way down to this park at this hour.
“Not too great.... Akutagawa just left. I think I did something to upset him,” he admitted, his voice small.
The disappearing sun hit Dazai’s opal pendant as he moved forward to ruffle Atsushi’s hair.
“I thought as much. Akutagawa’s always been moody. Never quite grew out of his emo phase, did he? Don’t worry though, as your amazing mentor, I’ll help you out!”
“I couldn’t ask that of you, Mr. Dazai,” he said, despite really wanting Dazai to use his magic fairy wand and clean up after this mess that he didn’t understand as Dazai always did.
“Nonsense! What kind of a person would I be to turn a blind-eye to my poor subordinate’s crisis?”
And with that, Dazai strode over to where Akutagawa was, which was at the crosswalk waiting for the pedestrian signal. Apparently, when Akutagawa wasn’t busy murdering people and storming out of work meetings, he obeyed traffic laws. Atsushi watched as Akutagawa stepped back in surprise at Dazai suddenly appearing, and then continued watching but this time with grave concern for the wellbeing of Akutagawa’s scalp as Dazai dragged him back by the hair.
Dazai was grinning in that completely deranged way he did whenever he had managed to piss off Kunikida. He released his grip on Akutagawa’s hair, dropping the boy by Atsushi’s feet. Surprisingly enough, he hadn’t seen Akutagawa resist even once. Such was the profound respect he had for Dazai, it seemed.
“Now, you two can make up! Then, I expect to be treated to some good barbecue! Make it quick though, I’m hungry,” he instructed, depositing himself by the edge of the river while he waited.
Akutagawa’s eyes were pressed shut and the eyebrows he had were squeezed together. He made no effort to get off the ground. Instead, he put his hands on the dirt and grovelled. As if in great pain, he grit out the words:
“I’m sorry for storming out. I got angry because…” and he paused, still staring at the dirt, “because I was under the impression we were on a date. Mr. Chuuya had urged me to ask you out, so when you went along with things so smoothly I thought you were interested. But then I realized you thought we were here for work. It was a miscommunication on Mr. Dazai’s part, is what Mr. Dazai told me,” he explained.
Atsushi blinked.
“And I’m sorry if I took advantage of you, too. Especially if you’re straight,” Akutagawa added quietly.
Blinked a couple more times.
“HUUUUH?”
He had been so worried that he had permanently offended Akutagawa this whole time and it had just been Dazai’s meddling?! And now Akutagawa thought he wasn’t interested! Akutagawa looked up, though he was still otherwise in a grovelling position so he looked pretty stupid. His blank, fish-like expression didn’t help his case either. Atsushi laughed, and now Akutagawa looked even more confused.
“You’re pretty stupid,” Atsushi managed to articulate at last.
Akutgawa sprang off the floor and onto his legs. “What do you mean I’m stupid?!” he yelled, all remorse gone. Smoke would’ve been pouring out of his red face had this been a cartoon.
Instead of answering, he leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Akutagawa’s flushed cheek. “Does that answer your question?”
Atsushi could confidently say that Akutagawa was red in the face for other reasons now. He chuckled. Akutagawa really was like an overgrown puppy. And maybe, he could be Atsushi’’s overgrown puppy.
“I’m happy for you guys and all but that was disgusting to watch. Please refrain from such obscenities in my presence in the future,” Dazai deadpanned, suddenly having appeared in between the two.
Although he was to blame for purposefully telling Atsushi the wrong information it was also thanks to him that things had worked out. Atsushi wasn’t sure if he should be annoyed with Dazai for stirring up trouble, or just glad he had waved his magic fairy wand and fixed it. A shiver ran down his spine as he imagined Dazai forcing Akutagawa to come clean. Another shiver as he imagined Akutagawa complying so easily.
“Why were you watching anyways? I thought you were looking at the river!” Atsushi protested.
“Water gets pretty boring, and after all, it’s not like I came here to see the river. But now that that’s done, take me out for food! Akutagawa, you’re loaded. Buy me some good barbecue!”
Akutagawa, who was still in shock, could only let Dazai drag him away to the nearest (and probably most expensive, knowing Dazai) barbecue place. Atsushi followed behind shamelessly despite just having downed one and a half dogs. Free food is good food. Especially with a prospective boyfriend (plus one Dazai).