Chapter Text
joohyun realizes in such a sharp moment.
it’s when sooyoung’s hands slip away from hers and the younger girl gets up to leave - suddenly a chasm opens within her chest and the left side hurts, it hurts a lot, and - and joohyun almost asks sooyoung to stay.
if this was any other time, any other day, she would have. because sooyoung would have just smiled that toothy grin and said “sure.” and she’d sit back down again, and they’d talk until midnight if conversation allowed them to.
but this time, joohyun is in love. and this time, she has got to let sooyoung go.
“she’s seeing someone else, you know,” wendy had quipped months ago, cheerfully and without a thought. “well, not seeing yet. but she seems like she really likes them.”
joohyun had felt the needles of jealousy pricking her heart, and she had gone home early to get a good night’s sleep. it was a good formula to remind herself that honestly, nothing could’ve happened in the first place and honestly, joohyun had probably imagined it all.
(in joohyun’s mind, sooyoung is the one. she knows - she’s got a life ahead of her and so many people she hasn’t met - but in her mind, sooyoung is the one. and sooyoung will always be the one. even if joohyun isn’t the one for her.)
“you’re my best friend, you know,” sooyoung told her once. joohyun could feel her own hands start to shake under the table, but sooyoung had only propped her head on hers. “like, you know? you get it.”
“i get it?” she licked her lips dry and reached for the ginger tea she had ordered. “yeah, i get it.”
she knows what sooyoung means. you get me, she means.
that is such a dangerous thing to say. sooyoung is so, so strange - how the hell can you say “you’re my best friend” to someone who once meant more than that? how the hell can you admit that when you can’t even properly sit down to talk about what happened then?
or maybe joohyun is the only one who bothers too much about it, because of how much she wants to know.
(it all started, right in this cafe. when they were just having one of their normal conversations and sooyoung had laughed, “are you in love with me, joohyun?”
it was a joke, so joohyun laughed back and said, “of course not!”
and silence had taken over as sooyoung started to look crestfallen. the thumping of joohyun’s heart is hard and quick, and she blinks back tears herself - how the hell can sooyoung do this to her? - as she reaches for her hand and says, tentatively, “i am, sooyoung-ah.”
sooyoung grips her hand just as tight, and as always, never says it back.)
the bell at the door rings. the silhouette of sooyoung’s back gets smaller and smaller, with a promise to return the next day.
-
one day, if sooyoung ever shows up on her doorstep, joohyun will know. she’ll open the door and the other girl will be standing right there, and joohyun will wrap her up in her arms and kiss her as much as she wants, and tell her “i’ll never let you go,” because she wants sooyoung to know it. one day, if sooyoung ever shows up on her doorstep, joohyun will take her to the nearest roller rink and laugh as sooyoung trips over her own skates and she’ll buy her her favorite food and, for the first time in three years, walk her home again. (and kiss her at the doorstep.) one day, if sooyoung ever shows up on her doorstep, joohyun will tell her. “it’s you,” she’ll confess to her, and it’ll feel honest and true because it is honest and true. “it’s always been you.”
joohyun doesn’t want to show up at sooyoung’s doorstep. she knows very well how much she’s hurt her in the past, and she knows very well how it’d be like rubbing salt in the wound. but one day, if joohyun ever has to show up on sooyoung’s doorstep, she’ll have a hand full with a letter of apologies and a heart for sooyoung to break. and she’ll wait for sooyoung’s answer for as long as it takes.
right now, she’ll settle for the cafe. because at least no one gets to close the door.