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Shadows encroached upon him on all sides. A long, straight hallway continued on before him for what appeared to be an endless distance, open doors lined up close together on either side of the entire stretch. Clipboards hung from the walls next to each door, the paperwork on each one of them covered with a large “X” in black ink.
The mechanical beeps and whirs of medical equipment echoed through the halls, leading him to one specific room--the room of the person he was searching desperately for. Still, when he felt like he was getting closer, the sounds only seemed to get farther away from him.
He checked every room he passed. In each one, the heavy darkness only lifted enough for him to see a bed with its blankets raised in such a way to suggest the bumps and angles of a human’s body were beneath them, but there was no visible person there.
He felt as if he was trudging through thick sludge as he made his way down the tile floor, panicked and desperate. Tears stung his tired eyes.
Where are you? Where is he!? He wanted to cry out, but his throat locked up, and his mouth was so incredibly dry. No sound could escape him.
Even if he could, no one would have responded. There wasn’t a single other person in sight--no patients, no nurses, no doctors. No one.
Finally, just as he was about to give up, he heard a faint, feeble voice calling out to him. “Kazuki...”
Without a second thought, he carried himself directly to the correct door, lightning quick. Relief washed over him as he looked inside the room… Only to be quickly replaced by devastation.
He couldn’t see the face of the man in the bed before him, his face shrouded in the same deathly shadows that clung to every part of this place. All he could see were his bony, sickly pale arms laying at his sides. He still knew exactly who it was.
Toi... he thought, and continued forward, hesitating.
“Come closer,” Toi directed, speaking barely above a whisper.
Kazuki reluctantly did as he asked, sitting on a stool that was placed at the bedside and taking one of Toi’s hands into his own.
“I’m glad you came,” Toi responded slowly. “I can go happily now, knowing that I’ve seen you one last time.”
Kazuki lowered his head, grief stricken. Didn’t they say you still had a chance? The words caught in his throat again.
Toi continued to speak, but Kazuki could barely hear, only catching certain phrases here and there.
“...Don’t live the rest of your life with regrets...”
“...You did the best you could...”
“...Ever since Enta died...”
Upon hearing those last words, his head sunk even lower, and his body was racked with a sob. He managed a pathetic squeak this time, but nothing else. Now, he truly couldn’t hear anything Toi was saying.
Darling Toi, my Toi... Kazuki thought, squeezing his hand tighter. Why do you have to go so far away from me? Why are you both leaving me behind? Please, don’t go...
“Enta and I will wait for you... Not even this... Can break our connection.” Toi let out a long, groaning sigh… And everything went silent.
Kazuki lifted his head and carefully rested his husband’s lifeless hand back on the hospital bed. As soon as he let go, the flesh upon his body withered away instantly, leaving only a skeleton behind.
He watched in horror. I can’t keep going much longer. It’s coming for me next! His thoughts screamed. It’s coming for me next! It’s coming for me next!!
---
And then, Kazuki awoke.
He stared up at the white, sunlight dappled ceiling with watery eyes. This wasn’t the first time he woke up from a morning dream in tears, unfortunately, but that one might have been the worst he ever experienced.
The three of them had decided to be married only a few months ago, and already he was having nightmares about the two of them dying on him!?
Speaking of the two of them... Kazuki wiped his eyes and began to move his body, looking to his left and his right. He was the only one left in the large bed they shared, but he could faintly hear sounds coming from elsewhere in their small house. He heard Enta’s voice coming from the kitchen, but Kazuki couldn’t make out what he was saying. Something was being cooked on the stove, which meant Toi must have been making breakfast. A smile crept across his lips at the knowledge that his husbands were still alive and well, beginning another new day together with each other, and with him.
His smile soon turned into a quivering frown. There was no way he was going to be able to see either of them without crying, and it was going to be weird. He flopped his head back onto his pillow, grabbing another pillow next to him and pressing his face into it. Maybe if he forced himself to think back through the dream and cry it out now, he would be fine by the time one of them came to get him.
Remembering the panic, the desperation, and the grief he had experienced made the tears come easily. It wasn’t real--thank goodness--but it felt real enough in the moment that the emotions it churned up felt very real. He decided to stay put and cry as much as he could into the pillow, hopefully until no more tears would come even if the sadness rose up again.
Soon, however, he heard the knob on the bedroom door turning slowly. Kazuki quickly flipped over on his side, facing away from the door, still clutching the pillow close.
The door opened just a crack. “Kazukiii,” he heard in a soft voice. “Are you really still asleep?”
Enta, your timing... Kazuki thought, feeling nervous and frustrated. He didn’t say anything in response.
Even if Kazuki had been asleep, Enta wasn’t about to let him continue. He stepped into the room, approached the bed, and climbed on top of it. “Rise and shine, Kazuki!” He reached out and softly brushed his fingers through Kazuki’s unkempt hair.
“A-ah, Enta, I’m awake!” Kazuki reluctantly spoke without turning towards him, but he couldn’t mask the distinctive tearful wavering in his voice. “Um… I’ll be out in a bit.”
Enta was silent for a moment. “Kazuki… Are you okay?” He finally asked, sounding concerned.
Kazuki’s desire to isolate when he wasn’t feeling his best was truly no match for Enta’s nosiness. “Uh, yeah, I’m fine. Don’t worry. I said I’ll be out in a bit.”
“But... You’re crying,” Enta replied.
Kazuki didn’t move or say anything.
“Is everything okay?” Toi called out from the kitchen. Kazuki’s heart fluttered with relief at the sound of his voice.
“We’ll be out in a little while,” Enta called back, not really responding to the actual question. He turned his attention back to Kazuki. “I’ll leave you alone if you really want me to, but I’d like to know what’s wrong, at least.”
Kazuki sighed. “It’s stupid, honestly. It was just a bad dream, no big deal.”
Kazuki heard movement next to him, and soon felt Enta’s round cheek pressed to his ear. “Anything that makes you that sad couldn’t possibly be stupid,” Enta whispered.
Kazuki lowered the pillow away from his face and turned over to face him. Enta backed off, but remained by his side. His bright green eyes gazed back at Kazuki, full of patience and compassion. He was smiling warmly. Still full of life, and still loyally connected to him. Seeing his loving expression made Kazuki want to cry even more--and he did, unable to hold it back any longer. He lifted his hands to wipe his tears, and to cover his face out of embarrassment. Enta comforted him by gently stroking his hair, smoothing out the cowlicks at the front and sides.
Finally, Kazuki calmed down enough to speak again. He took a deep breath. “I had--a... Nightmare, I guess. That the two of you had... Died.” He sniffled, and Enta handed him a tissue, which he gladly took to wipe his nose. “You died, too, but I saw Toi die right in front of me.”
“Oh, Kazuki...” Enta said sympathetically, his expression looking genuinely pained, which just made Kazuki’s heart clench up again. “That sounds terrible. How scary...”
“Sorry,” Kazuki said quietly, still choked up and nasally. Enta handed him another tissue, and he dabbed at the corners of his eyes with it. “This isn’t really the kind of mood I wanted to bring first thing in the morning.”
“Apology not accepted,” Enta responded. “Because there’s nothing to apologize for. You know I want to know when something’s wrong, no matter when it happens, and you can’t help what shows up in your dreams.”
Kazuki dropped his arms at his sides with a thud and sighed loudly, turning his head towards the long, yellow curtains covering the window, sunlight filtering through them. “I just wish it hadn’t happened today of all days.”
Since all three of them were lucky enough to have nothing of immediate importance on their schedules, they had decided to take this weekend to spend some quiet time together at home. In Kazuki’s mind, he had envisioned it as nothing but a purely happy and relaxing time, full of laughter and warmth. This dream was a terrible way of starting his Saturday, since he knew it was going to stick in his mind.
Enta crossed his arms and looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully. “Mm, it’s not such a bad time for it to happen, right? Because we’ve got nothing going on, we have the time to deal with it right away.”
Kazuki looked back at him with a dull expression. “You’re too optimistic sometimes, Enta.”
Enta scoffed and threw his hands up. “Well, shit, somebody in this house has gotta be!”
Kazuki couldn’t help but chuckle a little at that.
“Ah, you laughed!” Enta cried out joyfully.
Kazuki’s cheeks went red. “You don’t have to announce it…”
Enta grinned playfully. “So, how did I die?”
“You seriously wanna know that!?” Kazuki sat up. “Well, I don’t know, honestly. It didn’t happen in the dream, it just... Was mentioned.”
Enta’s expression fell in disappointment. “What!? No way! I died off-screen like some kind of background character who doesn’t matter!? That sucks!”
Kazuki really burst out laughing this time. “Like you said, I can’t help what shows up in my dreams!”
“Boo!” Enta said with a pout, putting his fists on his hips in indignation.
When Kazuki calmed his laughter, he looked back at Enta with fondness, his heart swelling with adoration. Where would he be without this amazing man by his side, without his brightness and nurturing? He scooted closer and pulled Enta into a strong embrace, nuzzling into his neck. “Good morning, Enta honey.”
Enta happily hugged him back, rubbing his warm hands down his bare back and between his shoulders. “Good morning, Kazuki.”
Kazuki closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the subtle scent of sweat that clung to Enta’s skin. He slowly lifted his head, resting his chin on Enta’s shoulder. When he opened his eyes again, he saw out the open door--and saw Toi carefully peeking into the room, a small smile on his lips. When Toi realized he had been spotted, he backed off slightly, trying to conceal himself behind the wall, even though it was way too late to go unnoticed.
“Ah, Toi!” Kazuki called out. Enta kept his hold on Kazuki while he turned to look.
Toi reluctantly appeared again, looking sheepish. Adorable, Kazuki thought.
“Hey,” Toi said. “Just letting you know breakfast is almost ready, I just gotta put the bacon on.”
“Okay, we’re coming,” Kazuki replied. “I gotta get dressed.”
Satisfied, Toi turned and walked back to the kitchen.
Kazuki pulled away from Enta, but kept a firm grip on his shoulders. After giving him a good, long look, he pulled him close one more time, this time for a kiss.
“Feeling better?” Enta asked quietly after they broke off the kiss, their foreheads pressed together.
“Good enough, I guess,” Kazuki replied, definitely feeling better for the moment but worrying about how it would come up again later if he had too much quiet time to listen to his own thoughts.
Enta nodded and backed away to push himself off the bed. “We’ll talk about it more later if you want to. Gotta help finish setting the table.” He disappeared behind the wall separating the room from the hallway.
Kazuki sat with himself for a moment, collecting his thoughts and listening in on the busy sounds coming from down the hall. Life was still happening here, and he was still very much alive himself, the hunger pangs in his stomach being one indicator of that. Finally, he turned and stood up off the bed, reaching for his shirt and boxer briefs that had been carelessly tossed aside last night. If he considered last night the beginning of their fun weekend together, then he supposed that was a good start to all of it.
As he stood there, he looked down at his foot, lifting it off the floor and moving it back and forth. Feels good today, he thought. He could even walk around the house without any kind of supporting brace or boot now.
Half a year ago, Kazuki had ended his soccer career. He was accustomed to injuries throughout his entire time playing, but within his last few years, he noticed that minor injuries seemed to be happening with more frequency than he was used to. A more serious and painful foot injury was finally what ended it all. He was 33 years old, not getting any younger, and his body didn’t seem to be able to handle such a strenuous job anymore. He was reluctant to go, sad to disappoint his fans and teammates and unsure of what else to do with his life. Enta and Toi were able to convince him it was the right choice to put an end to it before something even more catastrophic happened. It was time to step aside and give a younger player a chance.
Toi had unfortunately never had the chance to play professionally, but Enta had, and he also quit several years before Kazuki did. Citing the fact that the two of them never played on the same team after leaving their university soccer club behind, Enta said he gradually lost his spark without Kazuki beside him on the pitch. He had studied athletic training in university, and decided to put that degree to good use by entering a physical therapist training program, inspired by what he saw during the time he spent with Haruka while he was undergoing physical therapy.
It was convenient for Kazuki to have someone so close to him who could help him directly, and convenient for Enta to have easy access to someone he could practice on. With the permission of Enta’s program and the main therapist Kazuki was working with, Enta did some light work on him at home. His recovery was speedier than anticipated because of that extra care.
Kazuki emerged from the bedroom after dressing himself, smelling the warm scent of freshly brewed coffee and frying bacon in the air. Enta was placing a basket of bread in the center of the round dining table, a variety that Toi had picked up from his job at a cafe bakery. Flaky croissants, rich brioches, and buttery rolls were piled in, surrounded by small, colorful jars of preserves in several flavors. Plates and utensils were laid in front of each seat, small bowls of salad and steaming miso soup beside each setting. Empty rice bowls sat, waiting to be filled with what was in the rice cooker out in the kitchen.
“How’s it feel today?” Enta asked upon seeing him.
“Huh? Oh--” It took a moment for Kazuki to realize he was talking about his foot. “Good. No complaints yet.”
“Nice. We can do a little massage and joint mobilization later,” Enta replied.
Kazuki nodded, but he was distracted by the sight of Toi in the kitchen. Toi had momentarily glanced over his shoulder when Kazuki appeared, but had turned his attention back to the stove top before Kazuki could give him a proper morning greeting.
Kazuki walked around the partition separating the dining area from the kitchen to stand closer to Toi. He simply watched him for a moment, looking him up and down. Flesh and blood, perfectly healthy, living and breathing and moving. His head knew the dream wasn’t real, but his heart still needed a little more convincing, and this did the trick.
Toi snapped out of his concentration and looked over at him. “Oh, hey. Doing alright?”
“Ah, yeah,” Kazuki said. “Um... I know you don’t like me hugging you when you’re cooking,” Something Toi had to tell him multiple times before he got it. “But, when you’re done, could I...?”
Toi immediately put his cooking chopsticks down, wiped his hands on the apron around his waist, and stepped over to pull Kazuki into a tight embrace.
Kazuki was surprised, but oh so grateful. He settled into the hug, the nervous knots in his chest unraveling and making way for calm and openness. Tears welled up in his eyes again as he nuzzled into Toi’s shoulder, leaving small wet spots on his shirt sleeve. He looked over at the dining table and found Enta sitting in his usual spot, watching the two of them with his chin resting on his hand and an admiring smile.
Toi pulled away and leaned down to give Kazuki a kiss. “Good morning,” he said.
“Good morning, Toi darling,” Kazuki breathed. “Did you... Hear any of that? In the bedroom, I mean.”
“Ah...” Toi looked aside, worry in his eyes. “I did, yeah...”
“Eavesdropper!” Enta called out from the dining room, pointing accusingly.
“This is a tiny house, what the hell else am I supposed to do?” Toi grumbled, looking troubled. Enta and Kazuki both chuckled.
Toi stepped back over to the pan where the bacon was frying. “Well, this is gonna be done in a moment, so go sit down and start eating.”
Kazuki felt a little disappointed. Somehow, the matter didn’t feel settled, and he wanted to talk about it more. He understood that now wasn’t a good time, though, and did as he was told.
Enta grabbed all of the rice bowls and brought them into the kitchen to fill them. “You guys want anything different today?” He asked as he pulled several different furikake packets out of a cupboard.
“Nope, just the usual,” Toi replied, and Enta sprinkled a packet of nori tamago furikake over his share.
“Mmm... Salmon for me,” Kazuki said.
“Roger,” Enta said, seasoning Kazuki’s rice before pouring the shiso mix over his own bowl and returning them all to the table.
“Thank you for the food,” Kazuki and Enta both said before digging in.
Kazuki grabbed a roll and smeared strawberry preserves over it, taking a big bite. The savory and sweet flavors tasted even better than usual. The back of his tongue tingled pleasantly from the tartness of the preserves, and the mild crunch of the roll’s crust paired with its soft interior was so satisfying.
A moment later, Toi approached to place slices of tamagoyaki and bacon on everyone's plates, and a pot of coffee in the center of the table. He returned to the kitchen one last time, untying his apron and setting it aside. He opened the refrigerator and pulled out a coconut yogurt packet for himself. “You want any?” He called out, holding it up to show them what he was talking about.
“Nope,” Enta said flatly, preoccupied with his bowl of salad.
“Ah, a pineapple one sounds good, if we still have some,” Kazuki said, and Toi returned to place a pineapple yogurt packet down in front of him before finally taking his seat.
“Thanks for the food,” Toi said, and he started in on the miso immediately, always his first dish. He poured himself a mug of coffee after taking a few sips of the soup. Kazuki had asked him once why he preferred to start with warm things so much, and Toi had told him he liked the feeling it gave him in his chest, finding it soothing. Toi was predisposed to being a little anxious, so he gravitated to any small, simple things that helped to calm him.
Kazuki placed the remainder of his roll down on his plate and took a sip of his own miso after giving it a stir. The heat instantly spread throughout his body, bringing a feeling of relief along with it, like the steam was clearing away more of those dark clouds that had gathered around his heart. This must have been the feeling Toi was talking about.
“So,” Enta started, speaking with his mouth full of tamagoyaki. “What do we wanna do after we’re done eating?” The whole idea of this weekend was to not make any specific plans until the day of, except for food.
“I guess we can do the massaging and all that,” Kazuki said, looking at Enta.
“I need to go to the store real quick, I forgot a couple things I need for dinner,” Toi said. He looked up at Kazuki, grinning to suggest he knew that what he was about to say would be of particular interest to him. “We’re having temaki.”
Kazuki’s eyes lit up in just the way Toi had expected them to. He loved temakizushi, not just because he found it delicious, but because he thought it was fun for everyone to pick their own ingredients and roll their own sushi right there at the table. Toi always chopped up extra cucumber just for him, so he could make plenty of his favorite.
Toi turned to Enta and gave him that same grin. “And I’ve got brownies from the cafe for dessert.”
Enta’s eyes lit up as well, and he practically melted into his seat. “Brownies!!” he cried out in joy. He leaned in closer to Toi and rubbed his arm lovingly. “You’ve really outdone yourself this time, babe!” Toi held his head up proudly.
Kazuki giggled lightly. “I really had no idea you liked brownies so much, Enta.” Toi had only recently introduced them to the ones his workplace sold.
“I didn’t until I had these! They’re like...” Enta paused, his expression becoming thoughtful and serious. “Almost as good as an orgasm.”
“Thank goodness he said almost or we’d be put to shame,” Toi said to Kazuki in a dry tone, eliciting a loud laugh from him.
The three of them continued on in lively conversation for the rest of the meal. Kazuki wouldn’t have guessed he would be able to laugh as much as he was now when he woke up that morning, but his husbands always had a way of setting his heart at ease even when his stubbornness made him want to believe he would be stuck in his painful feelings for a long time.
Being able to smell and taste the delicious food carefully prepared by the hands of someone he loved, to be reassured and comforted by the touch of another, and to talk and laugh the morning away with both of them, their cheerful voices drowning out all of the frightening thoughts in his mind… Kazuki was thankful he was able to experience all of this.
---
Kazuki sat in the large, plush chair in their small living area, legs propped up on the foot rest. Enta sat at his feet on a low stool--the same one they used in their bath, but no one needed to know that--eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he wrapped both hands around Kazuki’s foot and pulled to loosen up his ankle. Kazuki’s initial injury had mostly healed, and now he was undergoing additional therapy to get back to the condition he was in beforehand, even if he wouldn’t be needing it for pro soccer anymore. He still wanted to be able to play with just Enta and Toi in the park near their home, the way they used to, just for fun and for spending time together.
Toi had left to go to the nearby grocery store, so it was just the two of them at home now. Both of them were silent, aside from some small comments Enta made to himself every so often that Kazuki had learned over time to simply ignore. The house was otherwise very quiet.
Kazuki thoughtfully stared out the window beside him as Enta worked. Visions of the nightmare he had bubbled up again in the stillness of the afternoon, just as he feared they would. He didn’t feel so much like crying anymore, but a constant, low level anxiety still hung in his chest.
There was really no denying it--the nightmare was at least partially correct, because all three of them were going to die eventually. More likely than not, one of them would go before the others, and then one more, leaving a single one of them behind, all alone. There was no predicting who the first one to go would be, or when it would be, or why it would happen, or what kind of lives they would all lead without each other.
Kazuki was gradually learning that never talking about the things that troubled him would only make his troubles fester and multiply. This was one concern he still might not have said anything about if Enta hadn’t already pressed him on it, but since the topic had already been broached, he better might as well continue. Enta had invited him to talk about it, after all.
“Hey, Enta... About that dream I had...” Kazuki started, hesitantly.
“Hm? What about it?” Enta said, not looking up from where he was massaging Kazuki’s ankle.
Kazuki paused, trying to find the right words. “Have you... Ever had a dream like that before?” He stuttered. “O-Or, do you ever think about... Death?”
Enta stopped what he was doing and looked up at Kazuki. “Mm, yeah, I’ve thought about it a lot, actually. I did almost die that one time, after all.” He grinned.
A memory of a much younger Enta laying in his arms, chest soaked in newly drawn blood, flashed in Kazuki’s memories. He remembered the scar near Enta’s right shoulder that he saw nearly everyday.
Kazuki sighed in frustration at himself and smacked his palm to his forehead. “I’m sorry, Enta. I didn’t forget, I just... Wasn’t thinking...”
How could he forget that he nearly lost Enta already all those years ago, long before either of them had the chance to build their relationship to what it was now? Almost losing him was one of several reasons why Kazuki was convinced to agree when Enta finally worked up the courage to ask him out. Almost losing him brought them closer together and strengthened their connection.
“Ah, it’s alright. That was almost 20 years ago,” Enta said, forgivingly. Sometimes Kazuki felt like Enta went too easy on him.
“Do you... Still think about that sometimes?” Kazuki asked.
“Of course, that’s not something that’s easy to forget. And I feel like it was an important turning point in my life. I kinda owe a lot to it, in a weird way.”
Kazuki looked at him in confusion. “Seriously? But it was terrifying!”
“I think it might have been scarier for you and my family than it was for me, honestly. Don’t get me wrong, I was still scared. I didn’t want to die, and I absolutely didn’t want you to get hurt trying to save me. But I remember one of my first thoughts was, ‘Well, it can’t really get any worse than this.’” Enta glanced away, a somber expression on his face. “When the worst has already happened, you can’t really be too upset.”
Kazuki frowned and lowered his head.
“But!” Enta spoke again, this time in a more cheerful tone. He had probably noticed Kazuki’s mood. “Like I said, I think I owe some things to it! Sometimes you need a good kick in the pants to push you to do some scary things, and I guess there’s no better kick than almost dying.” He chuckled lightly, though Kazuki didn’t find it too funny. “That might be why I’ve got you right here, my knight in shining armor who saved me!” Kazuki looked away, feeling embarrassed. “And our amazing Toi.”
Enta paused to think, absentmindedly rubbing Kazuki’s lower leg. “But, I guess none of that changes the fact that, even though I got a second chance, I can’t keep going forever. I guess none of us can... I mean, I feel kinda bad about it, but I do think it’s important to consider what we would do if one of us... Yeah... Agh, but I don’t want to think about it, I just feel like I have to!” Enta looked troubled.
“That’s exactly it!” Kazuki exclaimed, pointing at Enta. “What would we do if one of us died suddenly!?”
“Especially since it’s not like we’re legally married,” Enta muttered, sounding a little bitter.
Kazuki didn’t even consider that part. The three of them had only decided amongst themselves to start considering each other as spouses instead of boyfriends, simply to deepen their commitment. They had exchanged matching rings and had a very small ceremony just for themselves, but there certainly was no government recognition of the marriage, and there likely never would be.
“Mm, maybe we could still put each other in our wills... I don’t know about funeral arrangements, though...” Enta mumbled before standing up to go to the kitchen, thinking out loud.
Kazuki felt an empty pit in his stomach. There was so much more to this than just the emotional aspect of it that he didn’t consider at all. This was all something he was going to have to deal with someday, and he had no idea how to do it. He stared down at his foot, pain and worry in his eyes.
Enta returned a moment later with an ice pack from the freezer, noticing immediately how upset Kazuki looked. He stepped closer and ruffled Kazuki’s hair lightly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to freak you out even more...”
Kazuki gave him as reassuring a look as he was able to muster. “It’s okay, I’m the one who brought it up.” He put his sock back on his foot and stood, knowing that the ice pack meant it was time to move to the sofa to elevate and ice the foot.
He laid down across the sofa, and Enta placed some pillows under his lower legs to keep his feet lifted and to make sure his knees felt comfortable. Enta wrapped the ice pack around his foot securely, then moved to where Kazuki’s head was laying. “Mind if I sit?” he asked, smiling sweetly.
Kazuki lifted himself up on his elbows, and Enta sat, directing Kazuki to lay his head back down on his lap after he was settled in.
Enta leaned his head on his knuckles and gazed down at Kazuki. He reached out and gently laid his palm across Kazuki’s hands, where they rested upon his body.
Kazuki felt Enta softly stroking his skin with his thumb. The sensation of that, paired with the slow rise and fall of his own chest as he breathed, was soothing.
“We still have time to figure these things out. It’ll be okay,” Enta said.
“What if we don’t?” Kazuki replied quietly. “We don’t know when it could happen.”
“I guess so,” Enta said with a slight shrug. “But our chances are pretty good at this age, don't you think?”
“But you almost died already when you were even younger, didn’t you?” Kazuki retorted.
Enta grimaced and made a frustrated noise. “Yeah, but that was a pretty unusual situation...”
Kazuki didn’t respond to that. His thoughts soon wandered elsewhere, to a question he was hesitant to ask, but there was too much momentum behind the conversation for him to stop himself. “...Do you think it’s selfish of me that I want to die first, so that I don’t have to see the two of you go?”
Enta paused before responding. “No, I guess not. I can understand the feeling... But obviously I don't want to see you go, either!! You're gonna be fighting with me for that privilege, because I want it too.”
Kazuki smirked at that, knowing Enta was mostly joking, but he couldn’t bring himself to laugh.
They both went silent. Kazuki looked off towards his reflection on the blank television screen. He saw a frown on his own face, but Enta was looking directly at him with a peaceful expression. Kazuki often wondered why Enta didn’t have the tendency to be as gloomy as he did. What was it about the two of them that made them different in that way?
Kazuki turned and looked back up at him. “Why aren’t you worried?” he asked.
“What makes you think I'm not? I'm worried as hell,” Enta replied. “I’d be devastated to lose either one of you, and it’s painful to think about it. It’ll also suck to figure out all the logistical parts of it. But I know that it’s unavoidable, and that one way or another, we can handle it.” His smile grew wider. “Isn’t it nice that there’s three of us? That means there’s more help to go around. Maybe sometime soon, we can do some research on stuff like funerals together. Make a night of it, so it’s a little less painful. For me at least, I think it'll feel less scary as long as I'm prepared for that kind of thing, since losing someone is going to be bad enough."
Kazuki didn’t know what Toi would think about that, but he filed the idea away in the back of his mind. “If it’s unavoidable, shouldn’t that just make you more worried?”
“Mm, not really,” Enta said. “If you worry so much about the end of something, doesn’t that mean you miss out on enjoying it while it lasts? What do I have to worry about when I have the two of you right here with me, right now, and we’re all healthy?”
Kazuki’s eyes widened, feeling relief wash over him when he heard those words.
“Well, maybe I’m more relaxed about this than most people since I’ve already almost experienced it,” Enta said with a reluctant chuckle.
“You’ve changed a lot since I’ve known you, Enta,” Kazuki said, gazing up at him with admiration. Kazuki still had his frustrations with him. He considered Enta to be too relaxed when it came to standing up for himself, but a little too quick to anger when he perceived any slights against other people he cared about. Out of the three of them, he was the biggest culprit for starting arguments. Still, there was an air of confidence to him now that Kazuki couldn’t remember feeling at all back when he was that high-strung, wistful kid he first became acquainted with.
“You think so? Uh... In a good or a bad way?” Enta asked, looking uneasy.
Kazuki chuckled. “Definitely a good way.”
“Oh! Well,” Enta grinned wide, clearly flattered. “Mellowing out with age, I guess? I did a lot of stupid stuff in the years after we first met. Well, I don’t feel like I have to fight so hard anymore. I’ve got my Kazuki right here with me, and our Toi is gonna walk through that door any minute now. I had a good meal, and there’s a roof over my head, and there’s a big, warm bed waiting for the three of us every night. Isn’t that nice?”
I couldn’t think of anything nicer than that, Kazuki thought. He closed his eyes and nuzzled into Enta’s stomach with a contented smile, feeling much more relaxed than he did when they first started this conversation. “I love you, Enta,” he cooed.
“Aw, Kazuki,” Enta said, voice wavering a little with emotion. “I love you, too.”
Enta bent forward and Kazuki turned his head to meet him in a kiss... And another. And a couple more, for good measure.
The two of them continued talking while they waited for Toi to arrive home. They talked about the soccer game they wanted to watch, and what snacks they could have, and about going to the park after dinner. They talked about life, forgetting about what would come after it for now.
---
Toi returned with his needed dinner groceries in tow, along with two fresh, sweet pears for the three of them to share as a snack. Kazuki watched while he deftly peeled and cut them into slices, mesmerized by his careful movements.
The three of them munched on soy sauce and seaweed senbei along with the pears while they watched the soccer game on television, two local Japanese teams. Kazuki and Enta gossiped about some of the players they saw, things they had learned about them while being in the business.
Enta was yawning frequently throughout the game. Eventually, after the conversation trailed off, he stood up off his floor cushion and stretched. “This game is boring. I wanna take a nap, if you guys are okay with that.”
“Fine with me,” Toi replied after pulling a half eaten senbei from his mouth, glancing up from the phone in his hands.
“You do seem tired. Go for it,” Kazuki said. This was good, actually, because he wanted to talk to Toi, preferably without subjecting Enta to the same stressful topics he already ran him through earlier in the day.
Enta fidgeted adorably. “...Anyone wanna join me?” He asked, looking hopeful.
Kazuki waited for Toi’s response.
“I’m okay right now, but maybe in a little while,” Toi said.
“Ah, yeah, I’m fine too! Maybe later,” Kazuki replied. Sorry, Enta!
“Aw, okay... I’ll keep the bed warm for you if you change your mind,” Enta said, sounding a little disappointed, before disappearing down the hall and into the bedroom.
Kazuki immediately turned back to Toi, who was still scrolling through something on his phone. It was nice to see him home on the weekend, a rare treat he was sometimes afforded thanks to having seniority over the other employees of the cafe. Since Enta still had his training on the weekdays, these weekends were their best opportunity to spend an extended amount of time together.
Toi’s dark hair was going grey along the sides, something that had started already in his mid-twenties. A sign of age, which made Kazuki anxious after everything he was already thinking about that day. Also a sign of a stressful early life, which Toi would be the first to admit.
Kazuki really wasn’t sure if this was a topic Toi would want to talk about. He had already dealt with enough death in his life, far too early and gruesome than most people were faced with. Surely it had already haunted his memories enough that he never cared to discuss it ever again in any context.
Well, Kazuki still couldn’t help but want to try anyway, stubborn as he was. Enta had done a lot to set his mind at ease, but he wasn’t fully satisfied yet. Not until he at least tried to bring it up with both of his husbands.
Kazuki leaned in from the far edge of the sofa, into where Toi was sitting on the large chair where Enta had done his physical therapy work earlier. “Can I sit there?” he asked.
Toi looked up. “Huh? Oh--You wanna sit here? ” He pointed down to the chair.
Kazuki stood up and approached him. “Yeah, but you don’t have to move.” He sat down in the empty space beside Toi’s thighs and kicked his legs up and over the opposite arm of the chair, wrapping his arms around Toi’s shoulders and snuggling up to him.
“Ah, so this is what you wanted...” Toi said, setting his phone aside and returning the embrace.
The two of them sat in silence for a little while, only the sounds of their breathing filling their ears. Toi rested his cheek on Kazuki’s head and gently stroked his hair down to the back of his neck.
“This chair is so comfy, huh? I’m so glad we got it,” Kazuki said.
“M’hm.” Toi sounded sleepy.
“I think it could probably fit all three of us.”
“Don’t give Enta any ideas, I don’t think I could handle both of you sitting on me,” Toi said. Kazuki laughed.
Kazuki paused for a long time before working up the courage to finally say it. “Hey, um, Toi... Can we talk a little about that dream I had last night?”
Toi didn’t respond right away, and he sounded reluctant when he finally did. “...Uh, sure, what did you wanna talk about?”
“...We don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
Toi sighed. “I know why you’re saying that, but it’s fine, Kazuki. You gotta know that I’m plenty used to thinking about this stuff by now, and I’m no stranger to nightmares about it, too. If it’s important to you, we can talk about it.”
Kazuki frowned, definitely feeling bad about making Toi think about this again, but since it was already brought up, he decided to press on. “Do you still have nightmares about it?” He knew about the nightmares, but it had been a long time since they had come up in conversation.
“Sometimes. Definitely not as much as I used to, thank goodness,” Toi said, sounding relieved. “Being with the two of you helps. You give me something else to focus on, and it calms me down to know you’re next to me when I’m sleeping.”
Kazuki smiled at the knowledge that just his presence was helpful. “What was your last one like?”
“Bold as ever, I see,” Toi said, dryly.
Kazuki looked up at Toi with deep concern in his eyes. “I’m sorry! You really don’t have to tell me...”
Toi sighed through his nose and pulled Kazuki’s head back down to rest on his shoulder. “It was about my brother and I going to a curry restaurant together, which we did sometimes when I was really young. It was weird, though. Very dark in the restaurant. We weren’t in any place that I recognized. The architecture of the town was like... Tokyo mixed with Paris. I was sitting across from him while we ate, and he just... Slowly slumped down in his seat until his face fell into his curry. Dead.”
Kazuki gripped a handful of the fabric of Toi’s shirt. “That sounds terrible...”
“Mm, I’m not so sure that one counts as a nightmare, though. It was a little stressful, but I also found it kinda funny in retrospect,” Toi said.
“No way, that’s not funny!” Kazuki retorted, shocked that Toi of all people would suggest such a thing.
“My brother face planting into his dinner while I just keep on eating isn’t funny?”
Kazuki thought for a moment, then snorted. “Okay, it is a little funny.”
“That’s the spirit,” Toi said with a smile in his voice, stroking Kazuki’s back.
“Still, I’m surprised that you’re able to laugh at all about that... That was such an awful thing for you to go through.” Kazuki knew that “awful” was an understatement.
“Well, I definitely can’t all the time,” Toi said. “It still hurts like hell, and the actual nightmares are still horrible. But, what else am I supposed to do? Being constantly miserable about it all the time isn’t going to change anything. It isn’t going to bring him back or change the way he died. It isn’t going to change what happened to our parents or what I did to those people, either.” He stopped and glanced out the window beside him for a moment before continuing. “I was miserable about it for a long time. More than you and Enta probably know, honestly. It just took a lot of time and a lot of good things happening in my life for me to lighten up about it, at least a little.”
Kazuki was glad to know that he and Enta were able to give him so many of those good things he was talking about.
“My brother always wanted me to just have a normal life. And, well, that’s what I’ve got now... Aside from the fact that I’m married to two guys, I guess,” Toi said. Kazuki chuckled lightly. “But I’ve got a job. I’ve got a house. I’m married. I spend my free time just doing stuff at home, not getting into trouble. He wanted me to have connections, to be able to laugh and cry with people who care about me. Since that’s right where I’m at now, there’s no need to wallow in the hurt so much anymore.”
Kazuki nodded, smiling warmly. “I guess that’s how I have to think about it, if either of you were to go before me... We want each other to be happy. If I died before you and Enta, it would make me sad to know that you two were miserable without me.”
“I don’t think there’s any avoiding that. We would be,” Toi said. “When someone you love dies, the person being gone from your life isn’t the only devastating thing. It’s... Routines that you’re used to suddenly disappearing. Little things that you expect, like messages and phone calls, that don’t happen anymore. Gifts that you want to give, but there’s no one around to give them to. Sometimes, it’s your whole reason for living. A whole part of your normal life is completely gone in the blink of an eye.”
“But you can build new parts of your life, right?” Kazuki asked.
“That’s pretty much all you can do,” Toi replied. “And that’s what I did. And that’s what I’ll try to do again in the future, if or when I have to. That’s how you break out of the misery.”
Toi’s “if” caught in Kazuki’s mind. He asked Toi the same question he asked Enta. “Do you think I’m selfish for wanting to go first, so that I don’t have to see the two of you go?”
“Yeah, kinda.” Kazuki could always count on Toi to not mince his words. “I mean, think of how me and Enta feel about that... But, I get why you would want that. I don’t want to see either of you go, either. I really can’t say enough how terrible it is to watch someone you love...” He trailed off into a mumble, then started again. “Well, experiencing it once doesn’t make it any easier when it happens again.”
Toi tilted his head away, and Kazuki looked up at him again. He was staring out at the red, mid-November leaves dancing in the breeze outside the window, eyes weary and distant. Kazuki wondered where in his memories he had gone off to.
“God, I can’t believe it’s almost been 20 years...” he muttered, sounding exhausted. “His birthday’s coming up again. I guess I should go visit him. Mom and Dad, too. There’s probably some leaves that need to be cleaned up.” He sighed heavily, then looked back at Kazuki with a tired smile. “Well, a lot has happened in 20 years.”
Kazuki adjusted himself to straddle Toi’s legs. “Good things, right? You said so yourself.”
“Of course,” Toi agreed, reaching out to place his hands on Kazuki’s hips. “And, you know, when someone dies and leaves you with regrets, it’s really a kick in the ass to do everything you can to not have any regrets throughout the rest of your life.”
“So what did you do about that?” Kazuki asked, tilting his head inquisitively.
“I think you know,” Toi replied.
“Tell me,” Kazuki said with a playful smirk.
Toi silently looked up at him for a moment, trying to determine his intentions, before continuing. “Well, for starters, I made sure the people I cared about who were still around stayed close to me. I stopped denying myself the joy of having others in my life besides him.”
Kazuki nodded, feeling a fondness in his heart as he remembered Toi shyly pursuing the two of them like a little lost puppy when they were all in their early twenties.
“I started to do everything I could to appreciate the life I had left instead of... Well, wishing my life had never happened... “ Toi said, not able to look Kazuki in the face when he said those words. “Which meant being more honest with myself, and never holding back on what I needed to say to others.”
Kazuki gazed down at him with sadness in his eyes and a sympathetic smile. He leaned in closer. “Like what?”
Toi’s eyes met with his, a surprising determination in his expression. “Like how much I admire you and Enta. Like how I’m so happy to spend the rest of my life with you that I could cry every time I stop to really think about it.” He paused, his eyes softening as his lips curled into a smile. “Like how much I love you. Both of you.”
Kazuki blushed, not expecting Toi to be quite that forward. He laughed nervously before wrapping his arms around Toi’s shoulders and settling down on top of him, the tips of their noses brushing. “I love you too, Toi,” he whispered before giving him a long, lingering kiss.
Toi held Kazuki close while the two of them laid together, now slumped far down into the chair’s comfortable seat, their legs tangled up together on the foot rest. Kazuki felt himself starting to drift off until Toi spoke again.
“We didn’t really talk about your nightmare...” he said. “Sorry that happened, though. I know how awful it is, since they can feel so real.”
Kazuki frowned. “Yeah... That is what it felt like.” He ran back through the dream in his mind, finding that it didn’t have quite the same power over him now after talking over what about it made him so anxious. He remembered the conversation he had with the sick, elderly version of Toi who had appeared to him. “There was something really nice that you said to me in it, though.”
“What’s that?” Toi asked through a yawn.
“You said ‘not even this can break our connection’.”
Toi hummed agreeably. “Yeah, I think that’s true. We’ll still have that, no matter what happens to our bodies. Good job, me. I hope I say something that cool when I do actually kick the bucket.”
Kazuki breathed a laugh and looked into Toi’s droopy eyes. “You wanna go join Enta now?”
Toi yawned again. “Yes, please. We have some time before I need to start dinner.”
“We can help you cut things up so it’ll go faster,” Kazuki said while he removed himself from his poor husband to allow him to move.
Kazuki grasped Toi’s hand and pulled him along as they made their way down the hall. He carefully peeked through the bedroom door, trying not to wake Enta.
As soon as both of them were in the room and stripped down to their underwear, Enta raised his arm and lazily waved it in the air. “Come in, come in, there’s plenty of room for all of you,” he announced in a groggy voice.
“Well, what else did we get this huge bed for?” Toi said as he climbed in on one side, facing Enta’s back. Kazuki chuckled. He loved to hear their playful banter.
“I thought you were asleep, Enta,” Kazuki said as he snuggled up into his chest, draping an arm over his waist.
“Have been in and out of it, I guess,” Enta mumbled. “Mostly just laying here. Still feels good.”
“Any good dreams to share?” Toi asked as he pressed in against Enta’s back, reaching down to lightly brush a finger against his cheek.
“I dreamed about a brownie with ice cream on top of it,” Enta said.
“What, seriously?” Toi asked.
“No.”
Toi gave the back of Enta’s neck a lick in retaliation for his fib. “Ah!!” Enta cried out.
“If you’re gonna lie, then lie to my face, at least,” Toi huffed, but his tone was clearly jovial.
Enta was squirming for some reason Kazuki couldn’t see. “Hnn, Toiii,” he whimpered, a hint of pleasure in his voice. Kazuki peeked up and saw Toi running his hand along the length of Enta’s spine, tickling him.
With a devilish grin, Kazuki decided to join in, quickly fluttering his fingers across Enta’s thigh, a particularly ticklish spot for him. “Aah, Kazuki, not you too!!” Enta wailed, his cheeks red. He tossed himself on to his back, not able to withstand anymore.
Just as Toi had asked for, Enta was facing him now. He slid his arm under Enta’s neck and leaned in to give him a tender kiss before laying back onto his pillow. Enta happily snuggled up into the crook of Toi’s shoulder, and the two of them settled down right where they would remain for the duration of their afternoon nap.
Kazuki took some time to watch them before tucking in himself. He observed the rising and falling of their chests. Their breathing had slowed, and their eyes were closed, but their hearts were still beating. They were safe, together with each other, and together with him.
They fit so well together, he thought. Like two puzzle pieces. He supposed the puzzle wasn’t complete without him, though. So, he laid himself down, resting his arm over Enta and pressing his cheek to the space between his shoulders.
He felt fingers brush against the top of his hand, then slowly weave into the spaces between his own. Kazuki gently squeezed Toi’s hand before they both came to rest on Enta’s hip.
Kazuki wasn’t afraid of any nightmares that might come to him during his short rest. Even if they did come, he knew he could face the fears they stoked with the help of the two amazing people he shared his life with.
---
After filling their bellies with delicious temaki, just before the last of the day’s light disappeared from the sky, the three of them set off to take an evening walk around the neighborhood park.
Kazuki could go without it while at home, but when going out into the wider world, he still needed to strap a clunky, black walking boot on to stabilize his healing foot. Still, he didn’t find it difficult to keep up with the other two, especially since their walks were so leisurely.
The mid-November temperatures were chilly in the evenings, but not quite enough that they needed heavy coats yet. Enta said that he thought the other two looked particularly handsome wearing their thick cardigans and light scarves. Kazuki couldn’t help but agree, admiring Enta and Toi, their hands casually tucked in their pockets, as he strolled along just behind them.
There was something particularly nice about watching the backs of the people he loved and listening in on their conversations. It felt like he was witnessing a candid moment, even if they were aware of his presence.
The two of them were talking about their respective work--Toi’s cafe job, and Enta’s training internship that he had recently started. Being unoccupied now, Kazuki didn’t feel like he could join in. He wasn’t even sure what he wanted to pursue yet as his next career. With his injury gradually improving, he was going to need to make a decision soon.
Enta and Toi’s conversation slowed down, and Kazuki decided to speak up. “I think one of the reasons I had that dream is because there’s been a big change in my life, with leaving soccer and all that. Ending something you’ve dedicated so much time and energy to kinda feels like a death, in a way...”
“What, you’re not actually that worried about us?” Enta teasingly asked over his shoulder.
“Of course I am!” Kazuki retorted with a pout. “But it almost feels like this change has brought up a lot of things I’m worried about. Like, thinking about what the future holds for me, I guess...”
“Hm, yeah, that makes sense,” Enta said thoughtfully.
“It’s kinda like what you said, Toi. I didn’t just lose a job, I lost a whole routine that I had really settled into. I’m not always sure what to do with myself now without it, especially with my foot like this...” Kazuki looked down at his boot as he walked, frowning.
Enta slowed down to walk next to Kazuki. Toi still kept ahead of them by a few steps. He nodded. “I get it.”
Kazuki sighed. “You two help me so much, I don’t really know if I’m giving anything useful back to you, or to anyone else for that matter.” Death was a difficult topic to discuss, and he was grateful both of them were so open to it even though he probably worried them at the same time. He couldn’t have asked for better partners to share his life with, but was he sharing as much with them as they were with him? And did he have anything to share with other people besides his soccer playing?
Enta looked up at him in surprise. “Where’s this coming from? You do help us out. You do a lot around the house, and you’ve always been supportive of us.”
“I guess so, but some of the stuff I wanna talk about must drag you down, too.”
“Enta,” Toi said. “If it was just you and me, and you were worried about the same things Kazuki has been today, would you try to talk to me about it?”
Enta hummed in thought. Kazuki looked back and forth between the two of them, unsure of what Toi was getting at.
“Honestly, I don’t think so,” Enta finally replied. “I’d probably be too afraid of upsetting you.”
“Yeah, same here.” Toi looked back at Kazuki and shrugged, as if to say see what I mean? “So...”
Kazuki furrowed his eyebrows. “So what? So I’ve been an asshole who’s upset you?”
“No. I mean that it’s good to have someone around who’s not so afraid to ask tough questions,” Toi said. “All of us suck at communicating in our own ways. We gotta figure out how to get through to each other about the important things despite that.”
“I guess we all have our own strengths when it comes to that,” Enta added.
“Right. There’s balance,” Toi said. “Balance that would be thrown off without you.”
“You’ve got a natural curiosity,” Enta said. “You’re always observing nature and life and how you feel, and asking interesting questions about it.” He smiled bashfully. “It’s one of the things I really love about you. Being able to talk earnestly about all kinds of things will only strengthen our connection, right?”
Kazuki stared back at him, eyes wide and shining. “Enta...”
Kazuki wasn't the type to immediately look up the answer to a question he had, instead taking time to ponder it by himself for a time, or blurt it out to whoever he trusted who was nearby. Sometimes the ensuing conversations--either with himself or with others--were fun and insightful, and other times they didn't go over well, sending him into a tailspin of doubt. It was just his way of processing the world around him and his own experiences in it, a world and an inner life he often had trouble understanding, but that he was getting better at asking the right questions about.
He could be oblivious and insensitive, especially in those times that he was caught up in his own thinking. He still feared that he had done that today. But maybe that obliviousness could be a strength, if he controlled it. Maybe some difficult, but important questions couldn’t be asked if he was overly concerned about the possibility of upsetting others.
But how could he be certain he didn’t really upset them if he didn’t ask? “Are you two sure our conversations earlier didn’t bother you that much, though?”
“I promise I would have already told you if it did,” Toi said.
Enta whimpered beside him. “Kazuki... Are you not gonna respond to what I said?”
Kazuki looked back over at him. “Huh? Oh--Ah! Sorry, Enta...” Well, he still had some work to do on reining in the lack of awareness, and probably a lot less introspection to be doing when spending quality time with his husbands.
By the time their conversation wrapped up, the three of them had already made a few laps around the small pond that sat at the center of the park. Kazuki was feeling fatigued, the boot chafing his skin under his pant leg. Maybe it needed adjusting...
Kazuki stopped abruptly. He pointed to an empty bench they had just passed by. “Hey, I’m gonna have a rest. If you two wanna keep going, I’ll just be right here.”
Enta and Toi looked at each other and seemed to silently come to an agreement. “Okay, we’ll just finish up this one lap and then we can go home,” Enta said. “We’ll wait for you at the end of the loop.”
Kazuki shuffled over to take his seat as the two of them walked off away from him. He immediately bent down to pull up the straps on his boot and smooth out the fabric of his pants underneath.
When he was satisfied with his adjustments, he leaned back and sighed heavily, lifting his face up to the sky. He was well on his way to full recovery, but he still felt pathetic when he thought of the kind of physicality he was used to having. He glanced over his shoulder, between the trees that were behind the bench. Those trees separated the walking loop from the open, grassy area of the park where anyone could gather to play. He hoped it wouldn’t be much longer until he could come here with Enta and Toi to finally play some soccer together again for the first time in many years.
“I guess we’ll have to go a little easy on Toi,” Kazuki whispered to himself. “But he won’t like it.”
He heard a sharp whistle, and quickly turned to look towards its source. Enta and Toi were on the opposite side of the pond now, and they were both waving at him. Enta had a big, goofy grin on his face and one arm thrust high in the air, waving at him with great enthusiasm. Toi wore a smile that was much more understated, almost shy. He casually lifted one hand out of its pocket and gave a tiny wave.
Kazuki waved back, smiling affectionately. He loved to see the differences in their mannerisms, both conveying the same sentiment in their own unique ways-- We’re happy to see you.
They walked on. Kazuki turned his attention back upwards, taking a deep breath of the crisp evening air, filling his lungs to their fullest capacity before enjoying the pleasant, refreshing sensation of letting it all out. The leaves of the trees hung above him, silhouetted against the now dark blue sky. He could still hear the rustling of their dry leaves brushing together in the wind, or tumbling across the concrete sidewalk to gather in piles. He thought he caught a faint scent of smoke in the air, enough to be enjoyable instead of overpowering. He savored the moment--he didn’t know how many more autumns he would be lucky enough to experience.
A call of “We’re going, Kazuki!” snapped him out of his reverie. Enta and Toi were standing over by the entrance to the park, waiting for him beneath a streetlamp.
“Coming!” He called back, leaving his seat to go join them.
“Toi says he’s going to eat your brownie if you aren’t fast enough!” Enta shouted. “Can you believe this guy?”
“I did not!” Toi shouted back with faint laughter in his voice. Enta stuck his tongue out at Toi, who responded by firmly poking both of Enta’s cheeks.
Kazuki had a good, hearty laugh. “I’d like to see him try!”
It was frightening to think about the future and all of its uncertainty. Exciting plans, comfortable lifestyles, healthy bodies, and loving relationships could all crumble instantly in one unfavorable wave of the hands of fate. What kind of life would he have in five years? In ten, or twenty? Would he even be alive long enough to experience that? What about his husbands? If the worst came to pass, would he be capable of re-building?
There were some things he could be certain about, though. Right here, right now. In this very moment, he knew that he had nerves to feel their gentle touches upon his skin, and a heart to keep him breathing and feeling their love. He had a mind to remember the moments he shared with them, even long after they had passed. He had lips to taste their kisses, and ears to hear their sweet words. He had hands to brush against their warm cheeks, and eyes to see their smiling faces.
He had legs to carry him across the earth, into the waiting arms of the people he adored.
It truly was good to be alive.