Chapter Text
‘ - because I don’t think that I could pretend that we didn’t have anything between us.’, junwan’s voice was soft as he gauged Iksun’s reaction.
The dim lighting of the restaurant was casting a warm shadow on Iksun’s stunned face, as she took in the words that junwan had spoken. Her head dropped to her lap.
None of the scenarios that she had meticulously planned out in her head had predicted the predicament she was in now.
The clattering of the glassware in the restaurant served as background noise as she took her time absorbing the words. The nervous habit of picking her fingernails, back in full force along with her heightened emotions.
She had been waiting for a few hours, trying to come to terms with the reality that this would probably be the last time she’d be able to have a conversation with him. That’s the least the she could do, with how much she knew she must have hurt junwan.
She’d braced for disappointment and anger.
She hadn’t braced for heartbreak.
( She should have known better, with junwan’s tendency to surprise her with his enormous heart. )
She looked up from her fidgeting hands to look into junwan’s sad, contemplative eyes and tried to form words, but none seemed appropriate.
The longer she looked at his eyes, the more the guilt spread, from her cold feet to her even colder fingers. It was pervasive in her entire system. Because as she waited longer to respond, the more the sadness was replaced by hurt.
Because at this moment she was hurting him even more by not responding.
That was one thing that she didn’t want to do more of. Memories of her ex flooded her mind, and she wondered.
Was he feeling the same pain she had when her ex had broken up with her ?
Was she no better than the man who’s scarred her from forming better relationships ?
Iksun licker her cracked lips and started, ‘ I - uh ‘ and then paused at the sound of her weak voice.
She tried to continue, but her voice betrayed her, ‘ I couldn’t ‘ came out as a small squeak.
There was another pause, as she looked at junwan again.
He licked his lips, before tightning them in a straight line. Wrinkles formed at the cusps of his eyes, when Iksun realised the weight of the expression.
Junwan was holding himself back from crying. A year of pain seemed to have been filled in the depths of his eyes, a second away from leaking out into the world.
‘Oppa, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that I hurt you’, Iksun gasped out, tears leaking out of her eyes. She powered through her short painful breaths, ‘ I hurt you so much, you had to hide your pain from everyone and i can’t forgive myself for that. but, I still love you ’
‘ I love you so much and nothing would make me happier if you want to continue us, if you still want to. I -‘
She heard a sound from across the table and realised that he couldn’t stop his traitorous tears either. He hunched down and hid his face in his palms, as though the physical force of his hands would be enough to bottle up the year of pain once more.
They must have made a picturesque scene.
At a corner of a dimly lit restaurant, with no plate on the table, two adults crying out a year of pain to each other. Laying bare their inner most vulnerabilities for everyone to see.
Junwan punched in the code to his and jeongwon’s shared apartment, before entering the darkened living room.
Taking off his shoes, he quietly tip toed his way to check if his roommate was awake.
At the reassurance that jeongown was sound asleep in his bed, tangled in his sheets and hugging his phone, he clambered his way back to his own room, his steps heavier with the memory of that night.
It had been a week since he’d had his talk with Iksun. Talk, being a general encapsulation of one of the hardest conversations he’d had in a good while par his patients.
His head still ached at the memory of Iksun saying that she wanted to have a relationship, if he wanted one as well. What should have been met back with a hopeful agreement, had triggered something in his heart, as all the emotions that he’d held in for the past year had come flooding out.
It should have been embarrassing, crying in the restaurant. In his 42 years of life, he couldn’t recall ever breaking down like that. But his humiliation had been far outweighed by the feeling of catharsis that had completely taken over his body.
Junwan hadn’t known what people meant by closure. He had never seen the point in it.
But as Iksun had uttered the words, it was as if a string pulled tight with the weight of his own worthlessness had snapped, relieving him of the constant heaviness of his chest.
They had talked for hours after that, having to take their conversation to the street as the restaurant had closed. They had roamed the lonely streets of seoul as they had discussed what would become of their splintered relationship.
They had decided that they’d wait.
That they’d build up the relationship from scratch again.
This time honestly, with both party giving it their all.
Junwan smiled a little at the memory, that night had seared itself onto his brain and it seemed that it had no intention of leaving.
He pushed open the door to his room, as the sharp blue light from his computer filled the room.
The tabs were still open from when he’d previously used them. The tabs being limited to a recent article on a new surgery method and his gmail, a nod to his technological ineptitude.
Just as he threw his briefcase onto his cleanly pressed bed, a ping rang through the silence of the room.
1 new gmail.
An email ?, he wondered, at 11pm ?
In his experience, patients usually emailed him at the crack of dawn. If something was an emergency serious enough for someone contact him this late at night, he should at least check it out once.
Curiosity got the best of junwan, as he pulled out the chair, and decided to check the email before retiring to his beloved bedding.
Sender : The University of John Hopkins
Subject : A response to the letter of application sent to the institute 4 months ago,
Suddenly he was wide awake.
A confused ‘what?’ echoed in his skull.
You have been accepted to the post of Assistant Director of Development for the Cardio Vascular department. If you chose to accept the position, we would like to get a response letter within a week, after which we’ll be sending further information regarding the stay, duration and related details. The initial duration of this position would be for 2 years. If you wish to pursue the position further after the two years have ended, you can negotiate the contract and the response will be as we see fit.
The -
.
.
.
.
Junwan scanned the email further, his eyes furrowed in disbelief, before he reached the ending of the text :
Congratulations. We would love to have you as a faculty member.
Looking forward to your response,
The HR Department
John Hopkins University.