Chapter Text
He thought that would’ve been enough.
To cut the umbilical cord that hung him to his past, to his weakness. But it didn’t.
In fact, it only proved how weak he was and always will be. But maybe, just maybe he could fool Snoke, he could fool himself. He could wear the badge of killing Han Solo, his own father as a proud prize of fully turning to the Dark Side. Snoke would congratulate him and complete his training. He would be a Sith once for all.
But Snoke wasn’t fooled easily and, for himself, well not even the best of lies could cover the wound he created, the wound that he thought was healed once he destroyed the Jedi Temple and went to Snoke, to his destiny. Snoke felt it, felt his pain, his mourn and torment, his weakness. It was clear his discontentment every time he would show up in the Throne Room.
And look at you, the deed split your spirit to the bone. You were unbalanced… Bested by a girl who had never held a lightsaber. You failed!
Yes, the girl. That stupid scavenger rebel scum. He had seen her mind, her soul, her pain, her weakness. Looking for her parents everywhere, even in Han Solo. But there was potential, he had seen her power, a power he was sure not even she knew existed. He believed he could take her under his wing and teach the ways of the Force. But he was wrong, as always and that took a price and because of that he could not see himself in the mirror without reliving the memory of his failure not only by a nobody but by himself.
And he felt it, that so well-known anger building up from his chest and he found himself almost standing up for himself. Almost. And then the pain came and he knew his place. He is just a rabid dog, this is his place, his belonging.
Skywalker lives. The seed of the Jedi Order lives. As long as it does... Hope lives in the galaxy. I thought you would be the one to snuff it out. Alas, you're no Vader. You're just a child... in a mask.
Because that was what he always had been. That’s why he destroyed that kriffing mask.
He met with his weakness again in that TIE just as he was about to fire the cruiser until he felt her, General Leia Organa, her signature was there and could not do it. Not again. So, his thumb slid from the trigger and he thought everything was fine, nobody would know, right? Until he saw the fire coming from behind him and knew that even if he didn’t do it, someone else would.
That was his turning point.
…………………………..
The first time the Force connected them he was once again in his own bubble of self-pity as the droids took care of the scar that cut him from his upper chest to his forehead when he saw her. Sitting just across from him in an invisible bank, he thought he was so focused on his weakness that he started to hallucinate. But then she looked at him, first with confusion and then with pure hatred and fired a blaster he didn’t even see where she had got that from. And then she disappeared just as quick as she had appeared.
For anyone else maybe that could’ve been nothing but his imagination playing trick on him but he knew deep inside there was something else. So, he stood up, sprinted to one of the hallways of the Finalizer, looking for her. He could feel her, stronger than ever, even stronger than their fight in the snowy forest of the Starkiller Base. She was there. But how?
He turned around to find her once again in front of him, her eyes ablaze. He raised his arm in her direction and through the Force commanded:
“You will bring Luke Skywalker to me”
But she stood there, eyes still ablaze as if nothing had happened. He soon realized that, in fact nothing had happened. The failure once again looking at him in the form of that scavenger.
“You’re not doing this. The effort would kill you” he said.
But she stood there again, not a word on her lips in a thin line, only pure anger in her eyes. He could even listen to her rapid breaths escaping through her lips.
“Can you see my surroundings?” He couldn’t even properly finish his sentence when her voice rose.
“You’re gonna pay for what you did!”
Oh yes, I know.
“I can’t see yours” he continued as though he didn’t hear what she had said “Just you”
And again, she stood there, just looking at him. This time, however the anger was replaced by confusion. Maybe because he didn’t seem affected by her words or maybe because this was new to her just as it was to him. Her eyes, however, those hazel green eyes continued to fire at him and that somehow hurt more than a real blaster shot.
“This is something else” he thought out loud.
A loud noise from afar yet so close at the same time could be heard. She looked behind her right shoulder surprised as well. Then he heard it. A voice that he could never forget.
“Luke.” He concluded and she was gone.
…………………………..
That moment kept repeating itself in his head like a broken hologram message he couldn’t stop. His strength however went to how to cover whatever this was from Snoke. He still could use the girl to get to Skywalker and complete his training and even perhaps get that annoying girl under his wing. He just had to know how.
But those were other plans, for he knew nothing about this connection they just had and had other things to keep his focus on. But her blazing eyes kept on appearing on the back of his head as though he had no control over his own thoughts.
There was something incredibly strange about that girl. Ever since he had seen her mind something had woken deep inside him, something that he never thought was there but at the same time it was as familiar. The deeper he got into her mind the deeper he got into his own only to find the same things. She was so bright and golden and he was so dark but at the same time, equals.
Something told him she felt the same.
That’s when he felt it. Standing in front of a glass window observing the workers creating another big weapon Hux had been bragging about for weeks, he felt the same buzzing feeling from the last he’d seen her. Somehow, he had hoped it would happen soon. He told himself he was just curious about why the Force suddenly connected the both of them but deep inside he knew it was something else. It had always been.
And there she was.
“Why is the Force connecting us? You and I” he asked, his voice dark but calm.
“Murderous snake!” she exclaims “You’re too late. You lost. I found Skywalker”
“Oh! I didn’t realize it was a competition” he mocked.
She ignored him. Eyes cutting his soul.
“Did he tell you what happened? The night I destroyed the Temple. Did he tell you why?”
“I know everything I need to know about you!” she said fiercely once again.
“You do?” he mocked again, stepping closer to her
They looked eye to eye once again and this time it was his turn to cut her soul with his eyes.
“Ah! You do. You have that look in your eyes. From the forest. When you called me a monster”
“You are a monster and you’ll always be”
“Yes I am.” He said, his voice firm but his heart shattered.
And she felt it, too. Taken aback not only by his words, so full of certainty but also by the pain delivered by them and she felt as if maybe she shouldn’t have said that as he disappeared. Perhaps she was wrong.