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After hours of laying in bed looping the same playlist I decided force myself out of bed. Setting my feet on the ground and lifting myself up I feel all my bones crack, sighing I look up at the mirror across from the bed. The sun has already said it’s goodbyes letting the moon takes its place so it’s quite dark. Padding across the room to turn on my lamp to get a proper look at myself, I stop in front of the mirror. Dark and disgusting eye bags, dry lips, and a big fat body full of cuts and scars taking up the rest of the mirror. I should’ve skipped breakfast and lunch yesterday. walking over to my closet grabbing a hoodie to hide the cuts from a couple days ago. Going downstairs I hear talking between from what is sounds like Wilbur and Phil.
“Oh Tommy, finally decided to come out of your room” Wil snickers. I jumped not realizing I zoned out in the stairs.
“Fuck off” I mumble making my way to the fridge to grab the water pitcher. Staring at the leftover slice of cheesecake that was saved for me. I want it, but a single slice of cheesecake has about 400 calories which is a lot for a snack. Dragging my eyes over to the shelf with all the fresh produce on it I grab the celery. 0 calories and healthy, the perfect snack.
“Just celery? Why don’t you eat that with the buffalo wings leftover from dinner.”
Phil suggests. I bite my lip, wings do sound really good but one wing has about 85 calories and if they bought me my own then that’s about 6 or 7 wings which would be about 510 calories which is WAY to much for one meal.
“No I’m fine with this. Thanks though.” I can feel their eyes on me burning holes through my skin. I can feel the concern, the disappointment.
“Tommy you haven’t eaten anything since lunch yesterday. You have to eat something other than celery.” Wil insists his voice a bit wobbly. Am I the reason for that? Why am I always causing problems? It’s 6 fucking wings 6. Anyone normal person could eat that without batting an eye so why can’t I?
“Please Tommy, even it’s just half of them. A couple bites even just try please.” Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. It’s not that easy. I can feel a lump forming in my throat. Don’t cry, crying makes you weak. Closing my eyes and taking a deep breathe.
“Wilbur. You need to relax a little, I’m fine.” Giving my best smile “See?” Looking back down to focus on anything other than the hurt on my brother and dads face. Swirling around my celery in the ranch I hear shuffling around the kitchen. Then something is placed in front of me, looking up I see Wilbur sitting across from me and the box of wings being pushed closer to me as my plate of celery gets taken. I can feel the lump getting bigger. Tear threatening to fall.
“I don’t want to eat it Wilbur.” I snap voice quivering as if I was cold. I am.
“I know you don’t, but you have too.” He signs “I know it’s hard but you have to eat.” He states. I can feel a wave of rage hit. Trying to keep calm so I don’t openly expose myself. In and out. In and out. It’s not working why isn’t it working? Please don’t snap please.
I snapped
“You know? How could you possibly know what I’m going through?”
Fuck shut up, shut up.
“You have a lot of fucking nerve to try and ‘relate to me’ when your whole life you’ve been praised and showered with affection! Everyone loves you, and yet you act like your the only guy in the world goin through something. Well news flash your not. I can’t fucking eat a meal with my Brain being filled with guilt and self hatred. I can’t look in the mirror without picking and pointing out every little wrong thing about myself”
I catch my breath
“I hate myself, I hate myself so fucking much. And no one noticed until I was noticeably skipping meals and sleeping in til 7pm”
tears are streaming down my face why can’t I be quiet for once they aren’t supposed to know
“No one noticed how I went to the bathroom after every meal, or when I was wearing long sleeves on the hottest day week? How come? Why did I have suffer alone while all you had to do was cry in your room and play shitty sac songs on your guitar to be able to get the help you need? I cried myself to sleep every night for months and not a single soul asked how I was doing! I would in the bathroom for hours at a time punishing myself and no one thought to think ‘Hey Tommy’s been in the bathroom for a long time, let me go check on him’”
I can’t breathe, I feel like suffocating. Gripping onto the table top I just let everything spill. The tears the words the yells.
“Why am I so different? What did I do so wrong for no one to give two shits about me? I’m trying my best. I have perfect fucking grades and the only thing I get is a pat on the back. No celebration like Wilbur or a new book like Techno. A pat on the fucking back. My best isn’t even worth it anymore.”
I don’t even know who I’m yelling at anymore, and if I’m being honest I couldn’t fucking care less.
“Why do you hate me so much?”
I finally let the held back sobs take over. Falling to the ground pulling my legs to my chest.
A hand slips it’s way around me picking me up, I can’t feel them flinch by how easy it was to lift me. I want to fight back, I was to yell and scream again will my voice goes raw. But it’s so comforting to be held , being touch starved fucking sucks. I huff leaning into the them breathing in their scent. Vanilla and coffe. Phil. Suddenly I’m being placed in the middle on the couch Phill sitting next to me along with Wil and Techno. I can’t remember the last time I we were all sitting together. I sign sitting back this is going to be a very long night.