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20 years.
2 decades.
1/5 of a century.
In it by itself 20 years is a long time especially if you are talking about conflicts, wars or crisis.
She grimaces at the number 20 such a bittersweet number because 20 years of knowing someone is indeed a long time but is it really enough?
She’s been alive for 80 years which means 20 years is just 1/4 of her life.
If you start comparing it with much bigger numbers, then suddenly 20 years seems like nothing.
1/4 of her life that’s how long the universe allowed her to be happy.
Making it into old age isn’t what it’s all cracked up to be. Is she grateful for living a long life? No.
Did she wish she were dead? Also no.
Sol had learned a long time ago that all she could strive for was just to survive day by day and sometimes if she was fortunate enough find the light in the small moments life gave her.
There weren’t many of them but life still went on whether Sol was willing or not.
As she peered into her elongated window she saw the bustling and hustling of the city. It had been a wise decision to move all those years ago from a quiet town to a much louder scenery.
It helped ease her mind when it got too much to handle and it certainly helped that she had one of the best views of the city. A condo in one of Seoul’s most sought after regions. If she was going to suffer then at least she could do it in style.
One of the perks of luxurious living was the privacy it entailed. Her neighbor’s didn’t bother her and she extended the same courtesy back to them.
She was never a social person and if left to her own devices she would probably be friendless but fortunately she’s not.
Nabi and Bitna her college friends turned into chosen family. If it weren’t for them she truly doesn’t know where she would be. Sol’s own biological family has long since died out. She was an only child and so were her parents leaving her to be the last “Yoon” standing.
The irony didn’t leave her when she thought about how she really was the last Yoon standing and she wasn’t just talking about her parents….
Sol pushed that train of thought away. Today was a busy day packed with meeting and events but most importantly she would get to see her friends again. For the first time in a while Nabi, Bitna and herself were all in the same place at the same time.
Which meant an impromptu gathering at Sol’s place upon Bitna’s request. She was a clean and organized person so cleaning up for her friend’s arrival was not that difficult. Still she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. Something that also helped was the fact that her apartment looked almost the same as the first day she moved in.
The walls were barren not sporting any personal items, the decorations and furniture minimalistic if someone where to look at the place they would not think this was an artist’s home. Then again it wasn’t home to Sol it was just a roof over her head.
She felt something vibrating against her hand, it was her manager calling.
“Hello Mrs.Yoon I’m already here. Do you want me to go up?” She could hear the younger girl unbuckling her seat.
“Don’t come up I’m actually heading down right now.” Sol said as she closed the door, the beep indicating it had been successfully locked.
She pressed the Lobby button on the elevator hoping it would close before another person could get inside. Much to her wish of riding alone before the door closed one of her neighbor’s entered the elevator.
Most of the residents of the luxury sky rise were all compiled into a few professions. There were your investment bankers, Ceo’s of well-known companies, a couple of older idols and wealthy people who had been born into money.
As far as artists went, she was one of a handful of residents who dedicated her life to this craft. While being a creative person in Seoul paid off, the reality was there was fierce competition everywhere.
Originally focusing her attention in sculpting Sol had become an all-around artist not only being a skillful sculptor but also dabbling in painting, photography and portraits. However, Sol was not known for being a cheerful artist that evoked happiness.
Around town she was nicknamed “woeful Sol” a play on words to reinstate that she was a sad soul. All her artwork channeled what she felt inside which was anguish, sadness and despair. Her pieces, as she was told, prompted everyone watching them to reflect deeply on their own troubled past.
Apparently sadness sells more than happiness because most of her clients were wealthy billionaires who couldn’t wait to add her pieces into their own personal collection. Maybe they too had wounds that cut deeply into their soul.
Hours later she arrives back to her house. The only illumination was provided by the sky line of buildings. She stayed seated in the darkness letting the exhaustion take over. At 80 her energy levels were definitely not what they used to be. Still she would much rather physical exhaustion take hold that way her mind wouldn’t wonder off to places that caused more harm than good.
Remembering her friends would arrive soon, Sol went to freshen up. Just like her home she too was minimalistic. Her closet was mostly empty since she only had a limited amount of clothing. Formal attires, stay at home clothes and some dresses mixed in.
What Sol lacked in new and shiny things, she made up in trinkets and old belongings. Her closet had a safe built in, it was a necessity for everyone living here, after all most of the residents had important documents, jewelry and money they had to keep safe in case of an emergency.
What Sol had inside was insanely valuable but not the monetary type. One could say it was the sentimental type but if she was being honest it was much more than that.
Sol felt as if her life was tethered to the contents of the safe and if something ever happened to them, well she was sure her heart would give out shortly after.
Nabi arrived first quickly making herself of use and helping Sol out in the kitchen. By the time Bitna arrived everything was served and ready to go.
“I have news!” Bitna announced as they were halfway done with the dinner. She waited until all eyes were on her to speak.
“I have a new man in my life.”
“Cheers to that. One more divorce and you’ll beat my record.” Nabi exclaimed grabbing her wine glass and clinking it with Bitna’s.
“Hey!” Bitna protested. “I plan on staying at 4 divorces thank you very much!”
She didn’t want to sour the mood, she really didn’t but before she could stop herself Sol voiced her disapproval.
“Don’t you think you’re too old for this?” She deadpanned. Bitna was on her 12th man or was it 15th? She wasn’t quite sure. All she knew was her friend would be on her deathbed and still flirt with the doctor in front of her if given the chance.
Nabi tried to diffuse the situation before it got out of hand. “Love is timeless; you know I once heard this story about-” Bitna cut her off before she could continue her story.
“I might be old but does that mean I can’t have fun anymore? If I get my heart broken a couple of times, then too bad but at least I would have tried it.” Her voice lingering on the last.
Sol scoffed in disbelief “What’s that supposed to mean”
“Bitna…” Nabi warned knowing this could get ugly pretty soon.
“I was divorced a year after I got married, my kids don’t have the same father and yes I’m still the same old slut from college dating a new man every year…but guess what? Despite everything I’m living not just existing.”
“Are you seriously comparing my life with yours? You think you’ve struggled…you have no idea what real suffering is.” Sol was fuming at this point her hands trembling in anger.
“It’s not a contest to see who has suffered most. If you really want to look at it that way then I’m sorry to tell you, but there are people out there who have suffered even more and they managed to enjoy their life despite it all.” Bitna countered back.
“I’m not like Nabi” she pointed her finger towards the other woman. “And I’m certainly not like you”
Tears flowing out landing on top of her unfinished meal. “She’s dead!” Sol yells startling Nabi and making Bitna sit up straight. The pain in their friend’s voice evident just as the first time they had heard her utter those words.
“She’s been dead for 48 years. I can’t love again not because I’m afraid of getting hurt…there is simply no love to give…Jiwan she-” Sol paused trying to contain the sob that was forcing itself out.
“They took all my love with them.” It had been years since she had actually acknowledged the full scope of her trauma. Always leaving out the most important detail, because she didn’t just lose Jiwan that day she lost much more.
---February 12th 2031---
She had woken up to a numb hand. One look at her bed and it was easy to pin point the culprit.
Jiwan was clung to her arm using it as a pillow instead of the expensive orthopedic one Sol had bought her. Delicately she pried Jiwan’s grip from her arm leaving the girl to stir until she fell back into a deep slumber.
Sol headed into the kitchen grabbing all the ingredients she needed to prepare breakfast. It was a balanced meal provided by their nutritionist to help Jiwan, and herself, nurture their body in the best way possible.
Eating healthy had always been important but now it was a necessity.
The smell must have reached their bedroom waking her wife up in the process.
“Sol” Jiwan groggily walked up to her rubbing her eyes trying to keep them open. She felt arms wrap up against her.
“Yoon Sol-” Jiwan started whining in protest when she saw what the menu for breakfast was. Out of the two of them, the smaller girl was by far a junk food fanatic. She loved sweets and anything that could induce a greasy heart attack.
“Honey we’ve talked about this…” Sol set her spatula on the countertop leaving her hands free to cradle Jiwan’s face.
“They were releasing this new pancake at ihop…and I really wanted to go. There’s even going to be an event later where they are bringing a local band. It sounds fun.” Usually Jiwan’s pouty face was enough to have her give in to any request, no matter how crazy it seemed, but this time Sol was determined to stick to her plan.
“Remember what the doctor said you have to eat more vegetables and less sugar. We want to avoid complications”
“Yoon Sol you’re no fun!” Jiwan crossed her arms.
“It will all be worth it in the end. When the baby is born happy and healthy. Just 22 weeks to go and then I’ll buy you as many pancakes as you want.”
Jiwan’s face broke out in a smile leaning in for a kiss. Sol melted into Jiwan’s embrace soaking in every second of it.
She never thought she would be here with Jiwan.
Married, a baby on the way and most importantly free to express their love.3 years ago Sol and Jiwan agreed that even though it would be hard, they had to leave Korea in order to really have it all. They had gone between Australia and the USA.
In the end Jiwan’s fascination with Hollywood films won and they ended up relocating to a small town in the northern part of the country.
Life was good.
Jiwan had finally found her real calling, working for a Korean publishing company that specialized in children’s books. For her part Sol was slowly making a name for herself again, it was a different ballgame here in the USA she had to adjust her techniques in order to be relevant in the art world.
“I can’t wait for everyone to arrive. Then we can finally know if we’re having a boy or a girl!” The sealed envelope containing the babies gender was hidden away in their closet. They had enlisted the help of Nabi and Bitna to help with the baby shower, they would be the ones to reveal the gender of the baby.
“My Mom and Dad are coming Friday but Bitna and Nabi are arriving until next week.”
“My parents are also arriving next week, they couldn’t make it earlier.” Sol was very grateful that their immediate family had accepted them and supported them in all the decisions they made. Jiwan’s parents had jokingly said how they were planning their wedding even before Sol and Jiwan had properly gotten together.
After eating breakfast Jiwan convinced Sol to spend the whole morning watching movies while they cuddled together on their bed.
It was exactly what Sol needed after yesterday’s stressful day talking to prospective clients. She had a conference call at 5p.m and after that her day was once again free.
“Sol I think I’m going to walk to the park for a bit. I’ve been wanting to get some fresh air.” Jiwan said grabbing her phone from the nightstand.
“I can go with you just give me half an hour and I’m finished with work” She offered wanting to accompany Jiwan on her walk. The area they lived on was safe and had very little crime incidents but still she never stopped worrying about the other girl’s safety.
“Don’t worry I’ll be quick I promise to text you when I get there.” She reassured.
Sometimes before a life changing event people report feeling as if something was going to go terribly wrong, a gut feeling.
Sol didn’t experience such a thing.
“I’ll have dinner ready when you get back.” Sol gave Jiwan a quick peck before the other girl opened the door.
“Love you!” Sol shouted from the kitchen window. Jiwan stopped and looked back blowing a kiss at Sol. Despite not being able to hear her she could still make out the words Jiwan yelled back “Love you more.”
She didn’t move until Jiwan was out of her sight already heading towards the park. Sol got ready for her meeting making herself presentable enough to turn her front camera on.
Midway into her meeting Jiwan sent her a selfie of herself at the park. She quickly sent back a selfie of her own with a kiss face emoji, knowing Jiwan had arrived safe she locked her phone and directed all her attention back to the call at hand.
At 6p.m Jiwan wrote her another text. ‘Heading back’ attaching yet another selfie.
‘Dinner’s almost ready ;)’ She texted back attaching a picture of what she just cooked.
‘My own personal chef!’ Jiwan replied with a heart eye emoji.
‘Of course honey anything for you ;)’ When Sol didn’t get an immediate reply back she figured Jiwan had put her phone away to walk faster.
It took 10 minutes to get back from the park, Sol knew this for a fact because she had once told Jiwan the park wasn’t that far away and just to prove her point started a stopwatch all the way to the park.
When the clock marked 6:15 p.m she shot another text ‘Where are you?’ she waited inside the chat to see if Jiwan would reply back but she had yet to open the last message Sol had previously sent her.
“Last connected 6:02 p.m” Sol read out concern starting to take a hold of her. Maybe Jiwan stopped along the way to see something or just took a bit of a breather.
By 6.20 she called her in hopes that she would get a faster reply than by text message.
The phone rang and rang but no one picked up. She turned the stove off and grabbed her keys deciding to go meet Jiwan half way.
Panicked Sol walked quickly yelling out Jiwan’s name in case she had gotten side tracked somewhere along the way back. She called her repeatedly in hopes that she would pick up. When she rounded the corner that led to the park she saw the chaos that was taking place.
A car stamped against the tree, smoke coming out of the engine while people ushered to the driver’s side.
Her blood was running cold. She sprinted the distance she had left to reach the park and when she got there she finally saw the magnitude of the accident. Park benches were rooted out of the ground all contorted from the force of the impact. A trail of blood leading all the way to a group of people huddled around something…someone.
The people were screaming to call an ambulance while others looked shocked as to what they just witnessed. Sol didn’t know where she found the strength but she shoved the people that were in her way.
“Please don’t be please…” she repeated over and over again, praying that the person laying there wasn’t-
Jiwan.
Her feet gave out at the sight before her. Jiwan’s long white dress was now a red hue mixed in with smudges of grass and dirt. Her face was covered in blood a big gash releasing blood at a dangerous pace.
“Jiwan!” Sol let out a blood curdling cry reaching out to touch her. Warm hands in stark contrast with a pulseless cold arm and in that moment she knew life would never be the same.
Everything that happened after was a blur.
The ambulance came soon after followed shortly by police cars ready to inspect the crime scene.
It was useless.
Dead upon arrival. That’s what the doctor said.
Sol had hoped that Jiwan didn’t suffer and that she was killed instantly, but she couldn’t even be spared that saving grace.
She later found out eyewitnesses reported Jiwan was trying to say something while moaning in pain. “Sore” they claimed she said before finally her jagged breathing giving out a few minutes later.
And if she dared acknowledge the truth Sol would break beyond repair, how could she ever get over the fact Jiwan was calling out her name in agony while she was just a few minutes away boiling pasta.
Drunk driving was the cause of the accident. The driver was found dead upon police arrival, he had not been wearing a seatbelt and flew across the windshield.
It didn’t provide comfort. He was dead and so was Jiwan.
No justice to be served.
Life has a funny way of settling things into place.
Their parents and friends had already booked a trip to see them but instead of a celebration they got a funeral.
It was a small venue, some friends they had made during their time abroad came to pay their respect, Nabi and Bitna stuck fervently by her side the whole way. Her parents always hovering near in case Sol decided to go rogue.
The place filled up with loud wailing from Jiwan’s parents. Sol watched detached from reality how they cried out inconsolably. In a twisted way she found it fitting how expressive they were. It made sense, they always radiated positivity and warmth and looking at them now grief was pouring out of them like a bottomless stream.
When it was all over her parents arranged the gory details, funeral expenses, legal issues and medical reports.
Sol had the last word on what to do after. Jiwan’s parents argued to give them their daughter’s body. They had a family plot with generations of Seo deceased members buried in them. In the end they cremated her, the small white marble urn never leaving her side.
“She’s our daughter we deserve to keep a part of her.” Jiwan’s mother had yelled at her.
It was surprising how a bond of many years had broken so fast. “It’s your fault you were supposed to take care of her.” Was something that went unsaid but Sol could hear it bright as day in the cold gaze Jiwan’s mother threw at her. She never argued back, how could she refute something she too believed.
It was her fault after all, she had dragged Jiwan out of Korea, out of the comfort the familiarity provided.
And for what?
Sol got greedy she wanted it all with Jiwan, she was no longer satisfied with just Jiwan she wanted a family with her too, a child to love and cherish together.
In the end Sol was left with nothing.
Once in the turmoil of her unrequited feelings for her best friend 18-year-old Sol thought bitterly about how one day Jiwan would be the end of her and inevitable heartbreak would follow.
It was a right assumption but not in the way her past self thought. She managed to dodge heartbreak at age 22 only to collide head on at age 32. All she did was delay the suffering.
As soon as she could Sol left the country cutting ties with everyone she cared about.
Her parents allowed her to grief so long as she was alive. Jiwan’s parents were submerged in their own pain and suffering, they didn’t have the energy to keep up with her life. Nabi and Bitna were a different story leaving her alone until the third year came.
They hunted her down in Pattaya dragging her out of the run-down apartment she had been staying at for weeks.
Nabi managed to convince her to stay at her place for a while, recently divorced from her second husband she had the extra room to spare.
The first few years she felt nothing. Acting as a robot to whatever her parents or Nabi needed. She helped clean Nabi’s house, helped her with her commissioned work and afterwards made sure her parents were cared for.
Then came unbearable anguish, the magnitude of her loss finally kicking in.
She needed an outlet anything to take momentarily the pain.
That’s how Sol found solace once again in sculpting. When she was living knee deep in the friend zone she always resorted to letting all her frustrations out through art. Back then her sadness mashed in with the happiness Jiwan provided her.
Her art pieces bright but with a dark undertone.
Know there was no brightness at all just pure darkness. She used only the most difficult materials to work with finding the difficulty a soothing relief of all the pain she carried.
She created art for herself, she would have burned it afterward if it hadn’t been for a stranger who took note of her creation and begged to buy it from her.
One client soon turned into 10 and before Sol knew it she had people bidding for her next masterpiece.
At 45 Sol found fame and glory as a consequence of her internal suffering.
She never dared read the articles about her, how she came to be, what could have prompted the sadness that oozed out of her art pieces?
The money that came with the newfound fame made her parents happy and with that money she treated them to anything their hearts desired. She was the cool aunt to Bitna’s and Nabi’s kids. Most importantly Sol always made sure Jiwan’s parents were well taken care of.
On her death bed Jiwan’s mother apologized for the blame she had placed on Sol all those years ago. The pain of losing her daughter had eaten her alive making her health deteriorate rapidly.
Sol accepted the apology not because she believed she deserved it but if that made Jiwan’s mother part in peace then she owed her at least that much.
Jiwan’s father passed away in his sleep a year later. He had told Sol months before “My time is coming. I have nothing else to live for.” And she understood what he meant. Her parents were the only reason she was still hanging on.
That’s all Sol had left, she didn’t know what she would do after that.
Her own father passed away when she was 60. Living up to the age of 85.
Sol wondered if just like Jiwan’s parents her mother would follow shortly after. Her parents loved each other and all in all had a healthy marriage.
Her prediction was way off because she would soon realize her mother wasn’t waiting for her husband to die, she was waiting for her daughter to live the longest she could.
Even the doctors didn’t know how she did it, she held so long until the last possible moment.
At the age of 97 her mother passed away due to a stroke.
Sol thought it was the end for her own terrestrial journey but her art became her purpose.
If she didn’t leave a trail of Jiwan behind, who else would?
Jiwan deserved to be remembered forever even if it was at the expense of Sol’s sanity.
------
When Sol opened her eyes letting reality take over she realized she was now laying on her couch. A worried Nabi fanning her with a piece of cardboard she had found somewhere in her apartment.
Relief washing over her face when she saw Sol blinking back at her.
“She’s awake!”
“Thank goodness I thought you had a heart attack.” Bitna ushered over hugging her tightly “I’m so sorry I pushed that way, I got defensive because you were nagging and-” Nabi promptly cut her off.
Bitna bowed “I’m sorry Sol.”
With the help of both girls she readjusted herself to a sitting position.
“What happened?” Sol asked still confused as to how she ended up on her couch.
“You fainted.”
“How long was I out?”
“5 minutes any longer and we had the ambulance on speed dial.” Bitna showed her the phone to prove she was a second away from dialing the emergency service.
Sol could have sworn she was out for longer or maybe the nightmare she was in warped her perception of time but then again had she really woken up from this nightmare?
After much pestering and reassurance Nabi and Bitna left on the condition she would call them in case something happened.
Nothing happened for the rest of the year.
At 81 Sol worked harder than ever producing art pieces left and right which had the public going crazy over her display of talent.
Feeling her sand clock was on its last round, she knew what her last project would be.
She had put it off for many years. While most of her fans were addicted to her gloomy pieces there were some who admired her earlier pieces, the one that had happiness attached to them.
A young architect had once contacted her begging her to develop a sketch for a kid’s playground. Back then she had no intentions of getting rid of the last piece of happiness she had to offer, so she declined.
Now the young architect was grown and had perfected his own craft. Still he was pleasantly surprised to hear from the aging artist.
“If the offer is still up I would like to take you up on the offer, free of charge.”
The architect nodded “Of course Mrs.Yoon I would love to work with you. However, I must insist you take the payment.”
Sol shook her head and spoke with conviction “I have only one playground in mind.”
“Oh? The one in development doesn’t interest you?”
“It has to be this one, I’ll pay for it myself if needed.” Sol would sell everything she own just to be able to finish this piece.
“No worries Mrs.Yoon I’ll see what we can do.”
It took some negotiating with the city but the architect was able to move some strings and have the permit to remodel the playground Sol had asked for.
“This is amazing, it’s so lively and colorful” One of the workers had said upon looking at the blueprint.
“Why gummy bears?” She heard the director of the architectural dispatch ask.
Sol smiled looking at her own drawing. “They’re the symbol of innocence and childhood.” They were Jiwan she wanted to add but refrained herself because no one would understand what she meant.
“Brilliant! That’s why you’re the great Yoon Sol” The director clapped excited they got the exclusive status of building something with her own personal touch. Sol’s biggest piece to date.
The more work she put into the playground the less energy she had for herself. Everyone was immersed in the grandness of her art that no one paid attention to the way her eyes dulled more than usual.
It was a tradeoff Sol was happy to partake in.
By the time it was completed it had taken 6 months in total. She had just celebrated her 82nd birthday in company of the architects and the workers who had brought to life her creation.
There was buzz around her playground not only were art enthusiasts ready to critique her work but she also had kids buzzing with excitement ready to play in the gummy bear world Sol had created. Even some kids in her building asked about it already eager to play in it.
That’s what Sol loved about art. It unified people despite age and social status.
The day of the unveiling she had the honor of putting in the plaque. She was given permission by the architect to write whatever she wanted on it. Preferably her own name, a signature if you will. However, she had other plans.
“For my family -Y. S”
Looking at it from afar she felt peace wash over her. Kids were running around screaming and having a good time. Parents were chatting away on the benches taking some time for themselves while the kids played.
It was exactly what she hoped for.
Happiness, warmth and love.
She could never give that to her own family, she didn’t have the opportunity. Now anyone who stepped foot on the playground would be witness of the undying love Sol had for Jiwan and the childhood joys she wishes her own child could have experimented.
A success the news says. Everyone was impressed that Sol was capable of glee instead of gloom.
“We will be anticipating Yoon Sol’s next great piece.” The article read.
But Sol knew there would be no next project. Her time had come and she was more than ready to go.
She shifted in and out of conscious until finally she let herself fall into the abyss of uncertainty and darkness.
-----
She awoke to brightness filling the room. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust.
Was this heaven?
Or maybe she was in purgatory?
Either way it looked eerily similar to the place that haunted all her memories, her last home with Jiwan.
It was her old bedroom but it looked different…there were things that weren’t here before.
Sol stood up to take a look around inspecting the place. But as she reached for a fallen picture frame she gasped at what she saw.
Her hand was wrinkle free, glancing at the mirror Sol discovered why. She was a younger version of herself.
“I haven’t been that bad” Sol panicked. Gosh, leave it to her to end up in hell, stuck in a time loop for eternity.
“Sol!” An unmistakable voice called out for her making the hair on the back of her nape stand up. The voice got closer but Sol didn’t dare to move in case it was all a hoax.
“Jiwan-” she said in disbelief.
In front of her the girl that had plagued both her nightmare and dreams was smiling back at her.
“Come with me.” Her voice echoed through her ears, a sweet melody she never thought she would have the privilege to hear again.
Jiwan put her hand out waiting for Sol to reach onto it and when she did she walked her out of their old home.
It looked lived in, there was a slight mess in the living room and the kitchen was not spotless as Sol liked to keep it.
Before she could interrogate Jiwan further she heard giggles coming from outside. If she weren’t already dead her heart would have stopped then and there.
“Mommy!” a small and slender figure ran towards them. She wasn’t prepared for the hug that followed almost knocking her off her feet.
With trembling hands Sol crouched down to the eye level of the child. If she hadn’t known better she could have sworn it was a younger version of herself.
But Sol was never this giddy when she was younger. This was all Jiwan packed into a sol look-a-like package.
“You’re-”
“Our daughter” Jiwan fished her sentence also crouching down next to Sol.
“She looks just like you but personality wise she’s a mix of both. The best of us combined.” There is a sparkle in Jiwan’s eyes she had never seen before it was that shine brought out by a proud mother basking in her daughter’s achievements.
Their child extends her arms ready to receive a hug. Sol’s not a hugger or a particularly touchy person, of course all those rules didn’t matter when it came to Jiwan. Looking at the child in front of her Sol is sure she would have allowed this little girl to have her heart wrapped around her cute little fingers.
So she hugs her tightly like she never could in real life. Takes in her floral perfume and melts into her embrace.
“I love you so very much” she whispers into her ear receiving a sloppy kiss on the cheek and a toothy grin in return. Sol held tight to the little girl’s hand, in fear she would slip away if she let go.
“I wish this was real.”
Jiwan grabbed her remaining free hand. “It can be, if you want to.”
“I’m dying aren’t I?” Sol asked.
Jiwan slowly nodded a sad smile on her face, as if to apologize for Sol’s imminent demise.
“What did you see when you were dying?”
“At first I saw nothing, I called out for you hoping I could find my way back to you.” Jiwan let out a shaky breath before continuing “I heard voices that weren’t yours screaming things I didn’t understand.”
Sol gasped in shock.
So Jiwan really was alive in those last few moments….
“Then a cry pulled me back. Suddenly I saw the room we had planned to put the nursery in but this time it was completely decorated. Inside the crib I saw her-” Jiwan turns to look at their daughter, tears pilling up in her eyes.
“She was shivering and hungry. She looked scared, I picked her up and she calmed down. I couldn’t leave her alone…she needed me and before I knew it the voices mellowed out until all I heard was the soft noises the baby let out.”
“Is there a choice between staying and leaving?” Sol wondered.
“There’s always a choice but sometimes you don’t have a lot of time to decide.” She casted her gaze away from Sol’s not wanting to look at her when she realized that she-
“You picked her didn’t you?”
“I’m sorry for being selfish…for not choosing to stay and fight. Please don’t hate me…” Sol cuts her off bringing her gaze back towards her.
“That doesn’t make you selfish on the contrary that is a selfless act of love. I can never hate you for staying with our daughter. You put her needs before yours, that makes you…extraordinary.” All it takes is a few reassuring words for Jiwan to feel at peace, Sol always had that effect on her.
The bright blue sky that previously casted above them was turning darker, clouds blocking the sunlight from reaching them.
“You can leave Sol. We’ll be waiting for you as long as it takes.”
Sol feels herself getting lighter a symptom of her earthly ties being cut.
She ponders for a second, not because she isn’t sure of her decision but simply because death was still scary anyway you put it.
“I’ve been waiting long enough. I’m ready for my happily ever after.” Sol grabs them both and reels them into a hug.
A blinding light flashes before her eyes, the darkness long gone until all she feels is peace.
-----
Yoon Sol dies in her sleep at age 82, with a soft smile lingering behind.