Work Text:
Jiang Fengmian waited patiently by the door of his daughter’s house after he rang the doorbell. He came alone this time, his wife, who always seems perpetually disappointed in him, didn’t even seem to bother listening to him when he told her of his plans. His son was holed up in his office, and Wei Ying was off with that Lan boy.
So, alone.
Unsurprisingly, it was his son-in-law who opened the door. His daughter was finding it difficult to move around quickly with her due date right around the corner.
“Uncle, welcome!” Jin Zixuan ushered him inside and gestured towards the living room couch. “Have a seat, help yourself to some of the snacks on the table. A-Li is making some tea, so I’ll just go and help her.”
Humming his agreement, Jiang Fengmian sinks into his seat. He eyes the cookies in front of him, drumming his fingers on his thighs, and takes a look around. Nothing much has changed since the couple first moved into the house (and he should know, he helped them organize). There were a couple of new knick-knacks here and there, and new photos framed along the walls, but what caught his eye was the stack of books shoved half-heartedly under the table.
He leaned in closer to try to read some of the titles and was surprised to see that they were all parenting books.
Out of boredom, he picked the top one off of the pile and skimmed through some of the pages.
Be a good role model .
Well, Jiang Fengmian thinks he did well enough on that. He managed to set an example for his kids to work hard for the things that they wanted.
(A small voice at the back of his mind argued otherwise. Did a good role model lock himself in his office when he didn’t want to argue with his wife? Did a good role model skip his children’s competitions and parent-teacher conferences for a business lunch? Did a good role model refuse to teach the inner workings of their company to his heir?)
Love them and show them through action.
This one admittedly was not one of Jiang Fengmian’s strong points. He didn’t like showing his affections very often. He thinks he’s a bit awkward and instead, he tries to give his family gifts he thinks they’ll enjoy.
Practice kind and firm positive parenting .
The first thing people describe him as is usually kind. This one was a given.
Be a safe haven for your child .
Well, if he thinks about it, he’s not sure if his children ever came to him for comfort. Maybe Yanli did once, but certainly not A-Cheng. Surely that meant that he was such a good father that he didn’t need one, right?
Talk with your child and help their brains integrate .
(When was the last time he had a proper conversation with his son?)
“Sorry for making you wait, Father,” A-Li’s voice broke his train of thought. She waddles in, hand holding up her stomach to lessen the weight, and Jin Zixuan is right behind her.
“Oh! You’ve seen the books. I apologize, I meant to clean them earlier, it must have slipped my mind.”
“No, no, it’s alright. I was just reading through them.”
“What did you think of them?” A-Li asked. She picked up the book he had set down and started to flip through them.
“Well, it wasn’t anything I didn’t already know.”
Yanli raises her eyebrows questioningly. “Really?”
“Yes, I suppose. Why do you have them?”
Jin Zixuan chuckles awkwardly. “Well, it’s not a secret that my dad, well he wasn’t the best . I saw how my mother had to deal with his actions, and I’d be lying if I said that the things he did hasn’t affected me to this day.”
He takes a sip of his tea.
“I don’t ever want to be a father like that to our child.”
“I’m sure you’ll be fine, Zixuan. I barely knew what I was doing, and all of my children grew up fine. Right, A-Li?”
His daughter shares a look with her husband.
“Sure, Father.”
Jiang Fengmian blinks.
“What?”
“We turned out as fine as we could, but all of us definitely still have some issues to work through because of it,” she says, avoiding his eyes.
“I was a good father, right?”
“Well, I wouldn’t say good , but you were okay .”
“What?”
“I think A-Xian and A-Cheng would agree with me when I say that you made a better uncle than you did a father.”
Jiang Fengmian reels back in shock.
“A-Li, maybe now’s not the time?” Jin Zixuan nudges his wife.
“I was just answering his question, A-Xuan. It’s alright.”
It was not alright.
Had he been a bad father?
“Could you, maybe, elaborate a bit, my dear?”
“It’s not like it’s a secret, Father. Everyone knows you can’t tolerate Mother.”
(Ziyuan? He loved her! It’s just that her personality is so loud, and his is so quiet, that he sometimes needed time alone to recharge.)
“And there were even rumors that A-Xian is your bastard child, ones that are still being spread around today because you refuse to refute them.”
(He loved A-Xian like a son, but there was no doubt that he was Wei Changze’s! He never denied them because he didn’t feel like he needed to, it was plainly obvious to see. A-Xian is like a carbon copy of the man!)
“Not to mention the things you did to A-Cheng. Or perhaps, it would be more accurate to speak of the things you didn’t do for him. He mentioned once, that he could only remember you carrying him three times his entire life. That’s not exactly excellent father material, Father.”
(A-Cheng? He was always so small, so fragile. As a child, he would get sick often and Jiang Fengmian was afraid that he would break him.)
“And then, of course, I had to be in the middle of everything to mediate. I was a child! I shouldn’t have had to do that.”
Jin Zixuan gently rubs circles into his wife’s hip. Stress wasn’t good for the baby, and while he could tell that she was finally getting everything off of her chest, he was a bit anxious.
Jiang Fengmian is only quiet.
“We’re working it all out through therapy now, thank goodness. But A-Xian still struggles with responsibility and consequences to his own actions as a result of you always excusing his behavior. And A-Cheng last told me that he and his therapist were going to start working through his feelings of worthlessness and inferiority. Feelings that you planted in him from years of waving off his efforts and accomplishment,” A-Li was breathing heavily now, no longer avoiding his gaze. Instead, she looked him straight in the eyes as if to say ‘Look at what you’ve done!’
“So, to answer your question, Father. No, you weren’t exactly a good father. But we learned not to expect much from you anyway.”
Jiang Fengmian is reeling from this information. His mouth opens and closes like a fish out of water, and he finds his hands shaking.
“I’m sorry, A-Li. It looks like we must postpone our meeting today for another time. It seems I have a lot to reflect upon.”
“Oh! Of course, Father. It’s alright.”
In a daze, he makes his way to the front door and closes it behind him. Jin Zixuan turns to his wife, full of admiration.
“That was so hot.”
“A-Xuan, please.”
-
In his office, Jiang Fengmian sits in silence.
Did he really do so poorly as a father?
Did he cause his family torment?
Did he make them question his love?
He loved them all! Truly. Everything he’s done has been for them. Even as the CEO of the family business, he tried to pick up some extra work to make more money for them. He wanted to spoil them and get them everything they wanted.
Surely they understood his intentions, right?
He was laxer with A-Xian because, in the end, he is Wei Changze and Cangse Sanren’s son. They were free spirits. He didn’t want to suppress the boy’s curiosity.
And A-Cheng. A-Cheng is his heir. He’s going to continue the family business. Of course, he would have higher expectations for him, he wanted him to be the very best! And each time, A-Cheng has exceeded them and then some. He was so proud of how far his son has come, and how much he has grown. He would surely flourish in the office.
A-Li was always mature for her age. She didn’t have many needs, and as far as he saw, was just fine being the older sister. She certainly made things run smoothly (well, at least, smoother than it could’ve been) in their household. It came naturally to her.
Ziyuan. His wonderful wife. Sure, they got into arguments sometimes, but that was part of why he loved her. She was so fiery, she had all the things he didn’t. He always thought that they complemented one another well.
Was he so wrapped up in himself that he didn’t notice how he had failed his family? He thought they were fine, but he really must have been spending too much time in his office to have noticed.
That was a mistake as well. Why didn’t he spend time with everyone else? Communicate? Maybe if he had, it wouldn’t have ended like how A-Li said.
He needs to do better.
So he starts by looking up some of those parenting books he saw Zixuan reading.
-
The Jiang family dinner is tense. He wonders how he never noticed it before.
A-Li and Zixuan were seated next to each other with A-Xian and Wangji across from them. Sitting next to Wangji was, and Jiang Fengmian did a double-take to make sure he wasn’t seeing things, Lan Xichen. (He’d question why the elder Lan was here later.) A-Cheng was sitting next to A-Li and across from Xichen, while he and his wife sat at opposite ends of the table.
At this point, A-Li is usually the one to try to make polite conversation, but she is silent. Everyone is. Ziyuan is glaring at him from her end, and he should be afraid, but her gaze just makes him slightly hot under his collar.
He clears his throat, and all eyes go to him.
“I’m glad everyone could come to the dinner, thank you all for making the time.”
He sees A-Cheng wince as if expecting the worst.
It makes him feel like shit.
Just how badly did he treat them before?
“Before we start, I’d like to say a few words.”
“Well get on with it, Fengmian. We don’t have all day,” Ziyuan snaps.
He smiles softly, “You’re right, you’re right. So let me just-”
He pushes himself out of his chair and drops to the ground, kowtowing. He hears shocked gasps before chairs are being pushed out from the table and hands are on his shoulders trying to pull him out of the bow.
He refuses.
“I would like to apologize to you all, my family.”
He feels the hands stop and the room is silent once more.
“I didn’t realize how much my actions, or lack of them, affected you all. I was a fool, deluding myself into believing that everything was alright because I failed to notice my shortcomings. I’ve only recently understood the damage I’ve caused from my behavior as a father, and I would like to apologize. You all are the world to me, everything I do is for you. I love you. And it seems I have failed to show it.” He takes a shuddering breath that shakes his whole body and is surprised to feel the tears running down his face.
“I don’t deserve your forgiveness after all of the pain I put you all through. But, I’ve learned from my errors. I’ve been reading various books about parenting and marriage, and I’ve contacted a counselor to help. I’m taking steps to be better and truly, from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I’m begging you to give me a second chance at being the father and husband you deserve.”
“It’s alright, Uncle Jiang-” A-Ying starts but is immediately cut off by his wife.
“No, it’s not. His apathy has been poison in this family, I’m just surprised he only noticed it now.”
“You are right, My Lady. I am ashamed of myself for failing you all. I would understand if you refuse, but if you would allow me, please let me try to make it up to you in the future.”
“Father, is this because of the things I told you about last month?”
“What things, A-Li?”
“Yes. Because of you, I realized how my inaction was borderline neglect. I thought I was doing enough, providing you all with your monetary needs. It hadn’t occurred to me that I needed to be there for you emotionally as well. I thought I was doing enough, now I know that I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
“F-Father, please get up,” A-Cheng says, voice shaky.
Jiang Fengmian sneaks a peek and finds him being wrapped up in Lan Xichen’s arms. (He really needed to question what he was doing here.)
“A-Cheng, I’ve done you a great injustice. I should have held you more, I was always so afraid that I would break you in my arms, but I was breaking your heart instead. I’ve never told you this because I thought you knew, but I’m so proud of the man you have become. I have high expectations for you because I want to push you to greater heights, I didn’t mean for them to pressure you. For you, I’ll try to be more open. Give you the affection and guidance you deserve.”
“No. No! You don’t get to do this! You don’t get to hurt us, hurt me for so long and then expect everything to be forgiven in the blink of an eye!” his wife screams. Jiang Fengmian feels his heart clench.
“Ziyuan, I- I know I do not deserve it. But I am asking for one more chance. I am horrible at showing my affections, but know that there has never been another in my heart. It has always been you who holds it. From the day I saw you, I knew that you were it for me. I should have- I should have fought for you. When you were feeling doubt I should have reassured you, instead of brushing you off. I’ve managed to compile a collection of trinkets I bought while thinking of you, but I was always too much of a coward to give them to you.”
She is silent.
“Please, just one more chance,” he sobs, bowing his head down once more. “I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I’ve treated you so poorly. I was ignorant. I was foolish. I know, I have made too many mistakes in the past, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to make it up to you all, but I beg you. Let me try.”
“Father, get up,” A-Li’s voice is soft as she helps him get back on his two feet.
He tries not to wipe at his face (he’s a grown man!), but he can’t hide the redness of his eyes.
A-Cheng, A-Xian, and Ziyuan all seem to be speechless.
“We can’t erase our past mistakes, but everyone always says that we can learn from them. I won’t deny that you’ve made your fair share of them, Father. But, so have I. So has Mother, and A-Cheng, and A-Xian. We can’t blame you for everything that has happened when we did nothing either. Could you have communicated your thoughts and feelings better? Absolutely. But communication is a two-way street. You may not have been the best father during our childhood, but I won’t deny you the chance of being a better one now.”
“When did you get so big?” Jiang Fengmian asks softly. “How did I never see?”
A-Li smiles before leading him back to his seat. The others soon follow suit.
Clearing his throat, Lan Xichen breaks the tension, “So I suppose this is a bad time to announce that A-Cheng and I have been dating for the past year?”
Ziyuan drops her spoon.
Oh, so that’s why .
-
“So, you and Lan Xichen?”
Jiang Fengmian watched as his son freezes at his words.
“Y-yes, we’ve been togeth- wait. Why do you care?”
He tries not to flinch, he probably deserved that.
“I care because you’re my son, A-Cheng.”
“That’s never made you care before.”
“I’ve always cared.”
A scoff.
“Sure, Father.”
“I have. And I know that I haven’t been the best at showing it to you, but I’m trying to do what should have been done for all these years.”
“And that is?”
He pulls his son into a hug.
“Proving to you that you are worth love.”
-
“Uncle! I’m surprised you wanted to see me!”
“A-Xian, I’m glad you’re here. Did you get here safely?”
“Well, you know how it is.”
“I do, and that’s actually part of why I called for you.”
“Is there something wrong, Uncle?”
“Yes, A-Xian. I wanted to apologize. Although I am not your father, I should have guided you more. Instead, I’ve somehow led you to believe that you are expendable. That you are somehow worth less than everyone else, and that is not true.”
“What?”
“I know how reckless you can get, and I’ve let you do what you want because I didn’t want to cage you. I should have stopped you. You were putting yourself in danger and I was just watching off to the side. You have a place in this family, not because of your parents, or because of a favor. But because you are you.”
-
“A-Li, I wanted to thank you.”
“Thank me? For what?”
“For, as A-Cheng would say, pulling my head out of my ass.”
Jiang Yanli laughs, throwing her head back.
“You’re welcome, Father.”
“And for taking care of the family when I couldn’t.”
-
“Did you mean it?”
“What do you mean, Ziyuan?”
“When you said that there has never been another in your heart?”
“Every word.”
“Then why? Why did you let me think otherwise?”
“...”
“Answer me!”
“I didn’t mean to, Ziyuan. I thought if I denied it immediately you would think it suspicious, so I just ignored it. I know better now, I swear. You own my heart, and I’ve never given it to anyone else.”
“I-”
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t believe it now, I will tell you every day, fight for you every day, until you do.”
-
Things aren’t immediately fixed, but Jiang Fengmian is making an effort.
He likes to remind A-Cheng to take a break, dropping by his office occasionally to bring him lunch, or to take him out on walks to talk. He has a lot to catch up on, and even more to learn about his son. Sometimes, to tease him, Jiang Fengmian mentions the older Lan boy that he frequently meets during meetings. Dropping hints that he’d like to organize another wedding.
He tries to be stricter with A-Xian. Instead of letting him get away with whatever he wants, he guides him instead. Reminds him to take care of himself and the people around him. Reminds him that he is still loved, unconditionally, for the person that he is and not his parents.
He likes to talk to A-Li over tea. Since little Jin Ling came into the world, he’s been making a habit of doting on his grandson. He’ll take him out for the night to give A-Li a chance to wind down, something he suspects she hasn’t had in a long time.
He reminds Ziyuan every day, every time they meet, that he loves her. She gets flustered, turning a pretty shade of red that has him saying it once more. He’s wasted too much time making her feel unwanted when the truth is that he’s always been holding back around her. He kisses her good morning and good night. He leaves a peck on her cheek in greeting. And when she finally comes back to bed with him, he holds her close to his body.
They work on communicating. The things they need, how they feel, and Jiang Fengmian soaks up every input and critique like a sponge. It takes time, but every little step they take is worth it.
Because this time, when Jiang Fengmian waits patiently by the door of his daughter’s house after he rings the doorbell, he is not alone.
This time, he is with his family.