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Kensuke’s room was small, even without all the junk piled in. Bookshelves lined one wall, filled with all sorts of knick knacks and books. On the opposite side of the room was his desk, which seemed to be its own microcosm of messy. Papers scattered across the surface, with random tools lying on top. There was a stack of VHS tapes on top of a tiny CRT TV, with a sticky note labeling them as watched. Wires trailed down and tangled together on the floor.
The end opposite to the door had his bed. It was right beneath the window, and he had his favorite action figures and models propped up on the window sill. He was adamant about keeping the blinds closed so as to not sunbleach them.
Toji and Kensuke find themselves here, comfortably sitting among the disorder like it was normal (which it was). There was a futon laid out on the floor for Toji, and it took up the rest of the free space in the room. Kensuke’s father was working the night shift at NERV tonight. He works in foreign relations, and tonight was a big conference call with the NERV unit in some other country. Time zones meant his father pulled these night shifts pretty often.
Kensuke has had Toji over probably hundreds of times, it was kind of their routine by now. Toji hated being in his family’s tiny apartment, and Kensuke hated being alone in his. It was a win-win situation.
They were each in their own little worlds, not really paying each other much attention. Toji was playing on Kensuke’s gameboy -he never had one of his own and constantly borrowed Kensuke’s- and Kensuke was sitting on his bed, reading a new comic.
Kensuke could barely focus on what he was reading, though. His mind always drifts at night, and tonight was no different.
“Hey, Toji,” Kensuke broke the silence. “Can I ask a weird question?”
Toji looked up from the game. “Yeah, dude. What’s up?”
Kensuke closed the comic, tossed it somewhere next to his bed, and shifted to face Toji. “Do you think Ikari is… like,” He struggled to find a nice way to put it. “..gay?”
Toji’s eyes widened and a mix of confusion and embarrassment crossed his face. “What? Why the hell would I think that?” He shut the gameboy off and flopped over onto his side, facing Kensuke. His eyes narrowed. “Why the hell are you thinkin’ about that?”
“Jeez! Chill out! I’ve just noticed he doesn’t seem to like any girls in class. Or Miss Misato.” Kensuke rolled his eyes. Ikari being gay had to be the only explanation. He was surrounded by pretty girls and seemed just fine sitting in his little corner far away from them. It was kind of ridiculous.
Toji looked baffled still. “I mean, I guess? Still think that's weird to think about, man.”
“Get off my case! I’m just more observant than you, that's all.” Kensuke shifted his eyes towards the floor, not wanting to make eye contact. “Would… you be, like, mad if he was into dudes?” It did feel a little weird to be asking this, but he and Toji could talk about anything and come out the other end fine.
“I dunno. I’ve never met anyone like that… He’s my friend, so I don’t think I could end up hatin’ him. Plus, that kind of shit is none of my business.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I wouldn’t be mad or anything either.” Kensuke decided that he absolutely needed to change the topic or he was going to explode. He had no clue why he felt so nervous talking about Ikari like this, but the sooner it ended the better. “Wanna head to bed? It’s probably, like, nearly eleven.”
Toji pushed the gameboy off the futon and stretched his arms up. “Man, where's the fun in a sleepover if we're goin’ to bed so early?” He then yawned, though, so that didn’t help his case one bit.
“Cut the crap, you look tired. Plus, you promised to head out to Ashinoko with me tomorrow morning.” He reached over to turn the desk lamp off with a click . Moonlight filtered in through the gaps in the closed blinds.
Toji groaned. “How the hell do you always rope me into doin’ shit with you?” Despite his protests, he shuffled around in the futon, getting ready to sleep.
“Maybe you should learn to say no, then.” The smile on his face could be heard in his voice. Toji pretended to hate hanging out with him, but Kensuke knew that he actually liked going off to a new forest or field every weekend. He took his glasses off, placed them on the windowsill, and settled into bed.
“Ugh, Whatever man. Night.” Toji grumbled.
Kensuke closed his eyes and tried to sleep. Unsurprisingly, though, his mind was racing. Was Ikari gay? If he was.. did he like him? Or even Toji? His chest felt a little tight at the thought. Kensuke didn’t want to go over every interaction and conversation he’s had with Ikari and analyze it, though, so he set out to kill that train of thought. He restlessly turned onto his side in an attempt to get comfortable and finally sleep. But he just couldn’t get the thought out of his mind.
“Toji?” Kensuke whispered. “Are you asleep yet?”
“No? What’s up?” The reply came muffled, like he was speaking through the blankets.
Kensuke was staring at the ceiling, counting the cracks around the edges to calm himself down “Have you..” He wiped the palms of his hands on the covers. They were sweaty. “Have you ever thought that you, um, liked guys?” His voice sounded embarrassingly small and fragile. Fuck Ikari for making him think about this.
He expected Toji’s reply to be loud and pissy, like he was offended Kensuke would even think that. However, his words were careful. Like he could tell Kensuke was sweating bullets about it. “Not really. I don’t think so, at least.”
“Okay. Me neither.” Kensuke shifted to lay on his back. “Have you ever kissed a guy?”
This was when Toji raised his voice in disbelief “No! I’ve never even kissed a girl, dude.”
If he weren't a nervous wreck, he would jokingly call Toji a loser and change the topic. But Kensuke was nothing if he wasn’t an obstinate asshole. “Then how do you know you don’t like guys?” Kensuke wanted to punch himself in the face. Just enough to knock him out so he could stop himself from saying more.
“Fuck, man, I dunno! You should really go to bed, Kensuke.” Tojis voice was somewhere between irritated and panicked. Neither of them expected that they would be introspecting on themselves, but here they are.
“Okay. Sorry.” Kensuke paused for a moment, trying to gauge if Toji was actually angry. “Goodnight.” He added quietly.
Once again, Kensuke’s words betrayed his actions. He was nowhere near the point of being able to sleep. Not anymore. His heart felt like it was beating out of his chest and the comforter felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. Seriously, fuck Ikari for making him think about this. The thought of kissing another guy had never really crossed his mind, but suddenly it was all that he could think about. He had thought about kissing girls plenty of times, more than he could count, but those times hadn’t been as intense as this. He had never felt his heart racing like this. Never felt like he was submerged in lava. In comparison, thinking about girls felt like a shitty chore.
He knew he shouldn’t, but he spoke up once more. “We could try it on each other if you wanted. Kissing.” He felt like TV static. “Just to make sure, y’know?”
Toji was silent for a while, and Kensuke feared he had actually gone to sleep. A part of him wishes he did. “I mean, I guess.” Toji paused. “But I’m not gonna like it.” He added quickly.
“Me neither. It’s just to, like, test it.” Kensuke sat up and put his glasses back on to see properly. Toji was lying on his back with his eyes pointedly staring at the ceiling. He looked a little sick. Toji sat up as well and finally made eye contact with Kensuke. The distance between them felt like not enough and too much all at once. Kensuke’s eyes darted to the ground.
Kensuke broke the silence “You can come sit up here, if you want.” He awkwardly scooted over to make room for Toji. He wishes that it wasn’t the dead of the night, wishes that the cicadas were awake to make background noise so this situation was less unbearably awkward. Having to hear Toji get up and out of the futon and pad his way over to the bed was excruciating. Hearing the springs of the mattress creak and the sheets shuffle was even worse. Even though he felt like he wanted to disappear forever, he couldn’t bring himself to call the whole ordeal off.
“How do you wanna, um,” Toji vaguely gestured towards the bed. “Sit.”
They were both sitting with their legs crossed, though Kensuke was under the comforter. “I think this is okay. I’ll get out from under the blanket.” He scooted out from under it and brought himself closer to Toji. They were in their pajamas, t-shirts and shorts, so their bare skin touched when their knees bumped together. Kensuke could feel the warmth coming off of Toji. He had always been warm-bodied and sensitive to the cold.
They were looking at each other now. Toji’s eyes felt like they were boring holes into him. His chest was tight and his throat felt constricted, like he couldn’t breathe properly. Oh right, breathing. He had to remind himself to breathe, because it seems that it didn’t want to happen automatically right now.
“You do it with your eyes closed, yeah?” Tojis voice was hushed, even though there was nobody else in the apartment. If the whole world was listening, nobody was going to find out.
Kensuke struggled to find his voice for a few moments, so his words were roughly coughed up. “Yeah. Like-“ he cut himself off to think about his words. “Close your eyes as you lean in.”
“Okay.” Toji gave him a sheepish look. “Don’t make fun of me or tell anyone about this.”
Finally, Kensuke cracked a smile. He laughed a little, in a self conscious kind of way. “If I told anyone, I’d be throwing myself under the bus too.”
Toji pulled a face that was somewhere between ‘don’t prove me wrong’ and ‘I guess you’re right’. “Okay. Yeah, you’re right.”
There was a few moments of silence between them as they both debated what they were about to do. It wasn’t a big deal, right? This was just to prove they didn’t like guys, not because they liked each other. But you’re going to be nervous during your first kiss, obviously. Kensuke told himself that this was fine.
The side of Toji’s face closest to the window was just barely illuminated blue from the moonlight. His hands were pointedly placed on his knees, and it left him looking awkward and a little gangly. It was Toji who finally spoke up.
“Should we do it?”
Kensuke took a shaky breath through his nose. It was fine. “Yeah, just.. uh-“
He cut himself off when he noticed Toji leaning in, deciding that he should probably go in as well.
When their lips met, it was not the fireworks Kensuke had hyped himself up for. It was really awkward, actually. Their noses and foreheads bumped together. Their lips were almost pursed, way too tight and high strung for it to be anything nice. To top it all off, Kensuke’s glasses were currently being crushed between their faces.
They both leaned back, sensing something was definitely off. They were both breathing heavily. Kensuke made a mental note that next time breathing while kissing is ok. He could feel the warmth in his face and was a little mortified, but Toji was blushing as well, so at least he wasn't alone.
“I.. don’t think that was right” Toji’s words came out a little breathy and unstable. It reassured Kensuke that he wasn’t the only wreck here
Kensuke nodded briskly “Yeah. Let me-“ He took his glasses off and placed them on the windowsill. When he turned back to face Toji, he was taken off guard by Toji leaning in for another one.
When their lips met for a second time, it was way better than the first. No glasses in the way or foreheads bumping. Kensuke could feel Toji’s breath on his cheek and that reminded him to breathe, too. Kensuke’s hands were floating awkwardly between them. He didn’t know what to do with them. Toji, however, places his on Kensuke’s shoulders and deepened the kiss.
Okay. Wow. Kensuke could hear his heart beating and his blood rushing in his ears. He couldn't decide whether he wanted to stay here forever or get out as quickly as possible. Toji’s grip was comforting, and he was just so warm . Kensuke attempted to take action and pushed in further, placing his hands on Toji’s knees.
When they parted, it felt like the air pressure in the room had changed. Everything felt too thin. Kensuke felt a little dizzy. His chest was pounding, and his whole body felt blurry. He couldn’t tell if that meant he liked it or not. He didn’t want to think about that right now.
Toji's eyes were wide, and his hands were hovering between them. He was trying to steady his breathing, shoulders moving up and down methodically.
Kensuke opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. What just happened? They kissed. Okay. Great. Kensuke was pretty sure he liked it. Okay. His eyes darted around his room, trying to ground himself. He hasn’t floated away, even if it felt like it.
Toji was the one who spoke. “I think we needa go to bed. We have to be up early tomorrow, right?” It was pretty obvious he was trying to act normal, but Kensuke neglected to mention it. He was really grateful Toji wasn’t grilling him about this.
Kensuke’s words finally came to him. “Yeah, yeah. We can probably get up around 8 or 9.” He was happy that Toji still wanted to come with him to Ashinoko. They usually spent their Sundays off together, but Kensuke didn’t know if he had just ruined everything between them or not. It doesn’t seem like it, at least.
Toji got up from the bed and made his way back to the futon. “I wanna get out early enough to stop somewhere for lunch. How long does it take to get to Ashinoko?” He layed back down.
“Umm, depending on which part we wanna get to, probably 2 or 3 hours?” Kensuke started settling back into bed as well, feeling kind of exhausted after everything that had just happened. Toji didn’t seem
pissed or anything, so he’s relieved on that end.
Toji stretched his arms and legs out. “Cool with me. I'm gonna head to bed, ok? You sleep soon, too.”
Kensuke smiled at the ceiling. “Okay, dude. Goodnight.”
Kensuke heard the sheets and covers rustle as Toji made himself comfortable. “Night.”