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Ryan strummed hastily at his guitar, trying to pinpoint the melody he was looking for. He was working on a new song for their first tape; they already had Train to Nowhere and a few songs from his solo project, but he wanted something new, something special. “Almost got it, I almost got it!” He grumbled to himself, eyebrows furrowed so deeply it felt like they were giving him a headache.
“Don’t you think that you should take a break for tonight?” Min-Gi asked, propping himself up on his elbows. He was lying down on the van’s mattress, putting away his stylophone for the night. “We’ve been doing gigs all day, it might help to just step away from it for a bit.”
“Just give me a few more minutes, I gotta get this melody,” Ryan said, not looking up from his guitar. “It’s on the tip my tongue, it’ll sound perfect.” He hummed, though there was tension in his voice; usually singing made him relaxed, but he was unusually uptight tonight.
“Ryan, you’ve been saying that for 3 hours, you barely ate dinner!” Min pointed out as he pushed himself up in a sitting position, gesturing at Ryan’s half eaten burger and congealed fries. “Listen, just sleep on it, the more tired you are the worse you sound.”
“I don’t need sleep thank you very much,” he joked deadpan, cursing under his breath as his fingers slipped on the wrong chord. “I swear this IS the melody I’m looking for, I almost got it!”
“Ryan.” He didn’t look up as he mechanically kept playing. “Ryan.”
“I said I got this Min-” he was cut off by a firm hand on his shoulder, thumb rubbing circles in his back. Ryan was so busy playing he didn’t realize Min had snuck up behind him. He finally lowered his guitar pick, freezing at the sudden touch.
“This okay?” Min asked softly, leaning over to Ryan’s ear.
Sputtering, Ryan took a few tries to form an answer. He didn’t want to stop working, but he also didn’t want to deny Min’s touch. “Y-yeah it’s good.” Min responded by putting both hands on his shoulders and rubbing firm circles in his back. Ryan finally gave in and melted into the touch. “God, that feels good.”
“See? I told you taking a break was a good idea,” Min teased, and Ryan scoffed, lolling his head back. “Why don’t you put your guitar away and lie down with me?”
“But I’m almost done with the soooooong,” Ryan complained, though with less resistance this time.
“Would you stop thinking about the damn song for five minutes?” Min jokingly shook him by the shoulders, getting Ryan to giggle slightly. “I’m taking you with me, so you can either put your guitar away or it’ll crash into the mattress and you will get super mad at me.”
Ryan considered this for a moment. The damage to the guitar will be less than likely, but he was super protective over the instrument. One time he even hissed at one of the crew people at a gig who tried to touch it. On the other hand, Min was as stubborn as Ryan is, and would keep true to his word on pulling him down. Even though Ryan had a surprising amount of strength and theoretically could fight him off, he was feeling weary from all the playing and running around. Finally he groaned, “Alright, fine, but only so you’ll stop bugging me.”
“Wow I’m super flattered you wanna spend time with me, asshole,” Min responded sarcastically as he moved his hands for Ryan to remove the guitar strap. Ryan rolled his eyes and slid the strap off and put the instrument back in its case. Once the latches were clicked shut, Min draped his arms around Ryan’s shoulders. “Come on, lie with me.”
Softening at Min’s gentler tone, Ryan leaned back into his embrace, letting himself be lowered onto the mattress as a wave of sleepiness washed over him. He was gingerly laid down on his side, Min only releasing the hold to pull off Ryan’s glasses. Usually Ryan would be annoyed at anyone who would try to touch his glasses, but Min was extra careful when he pulled the frames off and he was too tired to argue. After setting them down next to the mattress, he returned next to Ryan and wrapped his arms across his chest.
“There you go,” he whispered as he rested his chin on Ryan’s shoulder. “Now just focus on your breathing and let your mind go blank.”
Ryan shook his head. “My mind is never blank, it’s so loud.”
“What makes it loud?”
“Too much,” was all Ryan could think to respond with, because it was true. His brain constantly skipped between different trains of thoughts, and if he got on the wrong one his mind would spiral down a hole that ruined his mood. That’s why he was constantly talking, or playing guitar, or listening to music or doing...something. It just dampened the thinking.
And he wasn’t doing any of those things currently, just lying down uselessly. He began to squirm out of Min’s grasp. “I have to go-”
“Go do what, hon? Try to relax,” Min gently urged, trying to pull Ryan back down.
“It’s too quiet, I can’t do quiet-”
“What if I talked?” Min cut Ryan off, loosening his hold. “Would that help?” Ryan turned around to look at Min’s face. His eyebrows were raised in concern, and his eyes shone earnestly. He genuinely wanted to help.
Sighing, Ryan reluctantly nodded as he returned to his spot on the mattress. Min resumed his cuddling position, and made a couple clicking noises with his tongue as he tried to think of a conversation topic. He clearly was trying to fill the dead air in the van, and while Ryan appreciated the effort there was a feeling this wasn’t going to work. Ready to shift up again, Min finally cut through the silence.
“I know you’ve been stressed lately.”
Ryan froze at the last words he expected to hear. Not daring to move, he was hoping if he didn’t say anything they wouldn’t address it anymore. Instead, Min continued, “I know you try to hide it, but I’ve been getting better at noticing things. You’ve been having trouble sleeping, you’re agitated at little things, you pick at your food whenever we eat, and all you do is practice. But you’re always making sure I’m not doing that.” Ryan slowly exhaled through his nose, and Min rubbed his arm gently. “You always check in on me, make sure I’m not too anxious or overwhelmed whenever we play and that I’m having fun doing this, and I really love and appreciate you for that. But it seems like ever since you’ve started writing this new song, you try to push those kinds of questions away from yourself. And that...worries me a little.” Min’s voice wavered a little, but he pressed a small kiss into the crook of Ryan’s neck for reassurance. “I know I was the one worried about music being a hard career to make it in, and I don’t wanna be a hypocrite, but we’re finally following our dreams, and following your dreams shouldn’t make you lose sleep. Not like this.”
The words sank into Ryan’s chest like a broken ship. He was so focused on making this new song perfect he would tend to shut everything else out; it wasn’t on purpose, but doing most anything else would disrupt his focus and he would never finish it. And if it wasn’t perfect....
Ryan leaned into Min’s chest and furled up into a ball, trying to make himself smaller. He asked in a small, sad voice, “Is it really that obvious?”
“Maybe not to a stranger, but it is to me,” Min reassured, squeezing his chest gently. “I’ve been trying to be subtle about telling you, but I guess it didn’t work, huh?”
Ryan shrugged. “Not your fault.” Neither of them spoke for a while, thoughts still swirling in his brain more and more rapidly. He needed to talk his feelings away. “I really just want this to be perfect, you know?”
Min pressed a kiss to his cheek. “If we’re making the music we want, it will be.”
Ryan sighed. “It’s not like that, it’s like...” he paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. If Min-Gi let all his feelings out like this, Ryan owed him the same level of honesty. “Do you remember when we first performed Train to Nowhere? In Utica?” Min hummed affirmatively into Ryan’s shoulder, letting him continue. “I really felt like then we were making the music we wanted, for each other. And that girl asking for our cassette was just a bonus. And ever since it’s like, more and more people seem to pay attention to us and like what we play, and we’re becoming less background noise and more a real life band. But...” Ryan paused, hands squeezing tightly around Min’s knuckles. “It feels like when we get anything less than that now, that we’re doing something wrong. That I’m doing something wrong. Losing my touch or whatever.” He huffed dejectedly. “It’s stupid.”
“No, it’s not stupid,” Min cooed, moving an arm from his chest to his shoulder to rub it like he did earlier. "I um, actually know what you mean.”
Ryan turned his head slightly. “You do? But you were so confident when we left the train on doing this, you didn’t care if we sold a single album.”
“I know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like positive feedback,” Min responded, pushing himself up so he could look down at Ryan. “How do you count it? How well we do in a night, I mean.”
Drumming his fingers against Min’s skin, Ryan thought about it. Their first album wasn’t finished yet, so they couldn’t count how many cassettes they sold. That didn't stop Ryan from trying to quantify the praise. “The number of people who clap and come up to us afterwards.”
“Yeah, I definitely feel you on the first one,” Min smiled in assurance, then frowned as he furrowed his brow in realization. “Wait, the show last week when the owner scolded us for being late and nobody stuck around to the end, was that...”
“A big downer, yeah,” Ryan sighed. They were late after being stuck in traffic, and played twice as hard as a result. Having nobody stick around to even say ‘good show’ really stung, and he felt like a waste of time. “I know it’s not personal, but it feels like it. And I work so hard on this new song because I want it to be good and worth noticing, and the sooner I get it done the sooner everyone will see how hard we worked on it, and I’ll be, I’ll be...” He trailed off, trying not to say anything that would make Min more worried.
“You’ll be what?” Min looked inquisitively at Ryan, as if gently pushing him to say ‘tell me, it’s okay.’
Ryan could barely make eye contact as he released the last words. “I’ll be...worthwhile.” He sunk his head into the mattress, looking off into the darkness of the van.
“Hey.” A hand reached out to Ryan’s face and cradled it gently, turning it slightly towards where Min hovered. It had gotten dark to the point where it was hard to see his face, but Ryan felt the softness of his expression cut through the night. “I think you’re worthwhile already.” His body shifted to lean down, and Ryan leaned back up to meet him halfway. They kissed, Ryan’s lips trembling as they firmly pressed together against Min’s. Releasing for a moment, they kissed again, less tense this time. Ryan pulled back and gasped deeply, slightly overwhelmed.
“It’s okay, take your time,” Min cooed, brushing a strand of hair behind Ryan’s ear. Ryan flopped back down on the mattress, taking deep, staggering breaths. He grabbed Min’s hand before he pulled it away, tugging him to come back down. In agreement, Min slid back next to Ryan, spooning him like before.
Ryan began to ramble to keep up with his racing mind. “I just want you to stay, I don’t want you to be disappointed-”
“Shhhh, I’m not disappointed and I’m not going anywhere. I just need you to breathe.” Min demonstrated with his own breathing, and Ryan copied it. It became easier after a while, and Ryan’s heart rate slowed down. He still anxious, but it was less intense, and he felt slightly drowsy. “There you go, just focus on the moment right now.”
“...What do I even do?”
“We don’t need to figure it out right now, it’s not an overnight solution. There’s no need to rush.”
Those last words struck Ryan, and instinctively he raised his hand to look at it to see if there were a number changing.
“Hey, stop that.” Min took his hand and kissed it firmly on the palm, knowing exactly what Ryan was thinking. “I think we’ve both had enough of numbers dictating what we do, yeah?”
Ryan let out a short, breathy laugh. “Yeah, okay.” His eyelids were growing heavier by the minute the more he focused on breathing, but there was still some slight tension in his chest.
Then Min started to hum. It wasn’t the melody for the current song in progress, but wasn’t anything Ryan heard before either. Ryan always loved Min’s voice, especially when he sang; it was deep and soft, like brushing fingertips over skin. He was always a bit shy about showing off his vocals despite Ryan’s requests, but the backup singing gave their sound a nice timbre.
But this was just the two of them now, and Min was humming just for Ryan. This song was for him. And with that, a final string unwound in Ryan’s chest, and he completely melted in the moment.
“Mmm, mel’dy,” he slurred from sleepiness.
“Melody?” Min asked.
“Don’t forget th’ mel’dy,” Ryan said, words becoming more indistinguishable. “’T’s good, but too tired t’ play...”
“I promise,” Min said solemnly, as if swearing on his life. Ryan blindly patted his face with a hand, and Min chuckled softly from behind him.
“Love...you,” Ryan breathed, drifting off.
“I love you too,” Min whispered back, gently kissing the nape of Ryan’s neck and continuing to hum. With that, Ryan’s breathing turned into snores as he let himself sleep, finally taking a break.