Chapter Text
She misses him.
It has been a little over three years, and she still misses everything about him. She remembers the day they met, when she was a new intern at the hospital, back when she was a little lost and a little overwhelmed by her new surroundings. She remembers how he made her feel, when she had entered room 537 to check in on a patient, when she had been triple-checking her every decision because she was afraid of making a mistake, and he had been there tending to the patient’s post-op care, and he told her that she had things under control. Now, three years after Danny has passed, Sienna still remembers the warm and reassuring smile he offered her on that first day, the smile that had helped her push through the rest of her very first shift at Edenbrook.
She remembers the first time they almost stayed up all night watching a TV series Danny had recommended to her, after the crowd at their housewarming party had dispersed. She had been feeling unsettled after Wayne had shown up late to the party, and how he was distant and dismissive of her friends, and she had noticed the way her friends had reacted to Wayne. She heard the whispers exchanged between Jackie, Bryce, and Elijah, and she had really wanted her roommates to get along with her then-boyfriend. Alex was the only one who had at least tried to be subtle about her disdain for Wayne, and she had encouraged her to do something else to take her mind off the exchange before disappearing for a while from the party. She remembers when Danny had shown up to talk to her, and he was a good listener and he reassured her about her relationship then, even though she later learned that Danny, like her roommates, never liked Wayne from the start. He had been supportive when he offered to binge that K-drama with her that night, and she had been grateful for the quiet comfort he offered.
She remembers the number of times that Danny had been there for her when her roommates were too busy to simply hang out. Jackie and Landry were always studying ever since the competition commenced, Bryce and Elijah were far more interested in playing video games, and Alex was always… Alex. Sienna knew that Alex could almost always be found at work, usually working on something she felt would help her patients, or at other times, working with Ethan Ramsey after she kept talking about a Patient X. Sienna was feeling a little insecure during her intern year, and the competition hadn’t helped with her confidence. Things were difficult enough without all the fights Wayne had picked with her ever since they moved to Boston. She remembers the many acts of kindness Danny extended her way during that time, and it always made her day just a little brighter.
She remembers the way Danny always smiled at her whenever he saw her, and the way he tried to start their daily encounters with a joke. He always tried to make her laugh, and it helped her set the mood for the day.
She remembers the times when she had to catch up on her paperwork during her lunch break because she had spent all night arguing with Wayne over something or other, and Danny was a lifesaver during all those times. The first time, he’d found her by accident, and he offered her half his sandwich for lunch because he knew she wouldn’t have time to eat otherwise. After that, he’d either pack an extra protein bar in his lunch bag or he’d offer to help her buy lunch while she finished up her work. She remembers feeling that his kindness towards her always made her day infinitely better, no matter how things were with Wayne.
She remembers questioning her own abilities when she fell in the rankings of that competition, and she remembers Danny telling her that her ranking isn’t a testament to her abilities as a doctor, because being a good doctor in internal medicine isn’t the same as being a good diagnostician. The diagnostics team is looking for someone with an almost encyclopedic knowledge of illnesses, and they weren't necessarily good doctors. Danny told her of the complaints he's heard from their patients. Dr. Hirata, while one of the youngest doctors to make the team, was viewed as disingenuous by some of her patients, and they didn't feel comfortable dealing with her; whereas some patients thought that Dr. Ramsey's honest approach was sometimes a little too harsh, even if they understood that he was trying to prioritize their well-being first. Danny reassured her that Dr. Banerji, before he retired, had mentioned that he was impressed with her ability to empathize with her patients. Sienna remembers the moment when she was able to take pride in her work again without being as concerned about her place in the competition. Her rankings did rise again that realization, and Danny celebrated with her when she ended up getting to tenth place.
She remembers that difficult period in her intern year when Zaid assigned her to a number of cases which ended with negative outcomes, and Danny teamed up with Elijah and Alex to lead an effort to cheer her up by organizing an outing to the Roxbury Animal Shelter. She remembers when Kima taught her and Danny how to care for the abandoned kittens, and she remembers just how gentle Danny had been with them. She remembers just how much her friends cared for her during that outing, and she returned to work rejuvenated.
She remembers Danny being there for her after Alex helped her break things off with Wayne. Alex was dealing with a litany of problems of her own at that time, and she didn’t want to burden her best friend further with her breakup. Danny took her out to a nearby carnival and played a ton of whack-a-mole with her, telling her to picture Wayne every time she whacked the mole. She remembers how that changed her outlook in life. She had been mourning the end of her relationship, but venting her frustrations out on that game helped her realize that her break up with Wayne had been a long time coming and she felt free again.
She remembers when Danny asked her out and she told him that she wasn’t ready to jump back into a long-term relationship right away, and Danny had told her that he didn’t mind if they just hung out while she recovered from that relationship with Wayne. Sienna knows, in her heart, that it was the right decision to wait, because her jumping into a relationship with Danny then would’ve been unfair to him, but still, she can’t help but wonder about the what if’s when it came to Danny.
She wonders about what could have been if Danny hadn’t been in the same room as the now-disgraced former senator during the attack.
She wonders if she'd get to meet his family in San Diego, or his extended family back in Asia if they started dating. She is certain that her mom would've loved to meet Danny, and her younger sister could spend hours talking to Danny, because they both share a love for gardening.
She wonders about how their first date would’ve been like—
Sienna stops herself there, because she knows that this isn’t the first time that she has gone down this road, and one of her biggest motivation to join Alex to work for Doctors Without Borders is to give herself some distance from Edenbrook, from the awful attack that happened there, to give herself time to process Danny’s passing, time for herself to heal, time to move on.
And yet… sometimes she wonders if she had met the one in Danny and life had passed her by, and she’s now destined to walk the Earth on her own?
She wonders if she’s missed her chance by not agreeing to date Danny right away. She has heard about the butterfly effect and she can’t help but wonder if her choice had been that flap of the butterfly’s wings that caused—
“Hey, Si,” Alex’s voices draws her out from her thoughts as she turns around to see her friend joining her at the balcony of their shared apartment. “Having trouble sleeping again?”
“It’s always hard for me to sleep in the month of…” Sienna’s voice trails.
“I know,” Alex nods in understanding, because she had been in that room a little over three years ago as well. “I should've handled things better. I should've called the police before confronting Travis Perry in the Senator's room. Some days, I feel like it's my fault for—”
“No, Alex, you did nothing wrong,” Sienna interjects. “You did everything by the book, and you made sure the toxin didn’t get out of the room which could’ve harmed more people.” They sit on the bench in silence, looking up at the full moon shining brightly at them. “The moon always reminds me of Danny. Do you remember when he went back to Asia to visit his extended family and I was feeling a little vulnerable?”
“Yes.”
“He told me to watch the moon every night, because he’d be doing the same, and the nights pass quicker when we do that,” Sienna recalls. “And the sooner the nights pass, the sooner tomorrow came, and the sooner he’d be back.”
“Did it help?” Alex asks, and Sienna can tell that she’s still struggling with her own feelings too.
“It did, but it’s different these days,” Sienna answers, and she notices the way Alex’s shoulders sag just a little. “It helped when I knew the date Danny was coming back from his vacation… These days, I just watch the moon and find a little comfort knowing that he’s watching over me.” She pauses for a moment before moving closer to snuggle her best friend. “What about you? I know you don’t like to talk about the attack, but I wanna know if you’re ok.”
“I miss him,” Alex says, leaning her head on Sienna’s for comfort.
“You know, Elijah says he isn’t seeing anyone,” Sienna encourages Alex to take action. “You should call him.”
“I’m afraid,” Alex admits, her voice quiet. “What if I call him and he doesn’t forgive me for what I did? I don’t know if I’m ready to handle that yet.”
“What if he does?” Sienna tries to get through to her friend. “Alex, it’s been over a year. Surely you’ve figured yourself out by now?”
“I figured… I was the one who threw it all way,” Alex sighs, and Sienna can feel her friend pulling away just a little. “I left him, Si. Why would he ever want to hear from me again?”
Because he loved you. Because we saw how much he loved you, and he once told me that he had feelings for you and we both know how big a deal that is for him. Because if Danny were still alive, I wouldn't hesitate to call him.
Sienna doesn’t say any of that because she knows that she shouldn't use her situation to force Alex to fight for her life. After Alex takes her leave for the night, Sienna watches the moon for a few more moments alone, whispering a prayer for Danny and a prayer for Alex. She prays for Alex to find the strength to call the man she loves, because the alternative could be so much worse. She prays for Alex's courage one last time before she springs into action two weeks later because she’s tired of watching her friend let her life slip through her grasp and she calls Dr. Mansour at the WHO herself.