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Yoon Jia didn’t think she’d sunk this low.
It was one thing to befriend someone- to let them share your happiness, your anger, your guilt, your hurt. It was one thing to smile a little brighter in their direction or to catch yourself thinking about them at random times in the day. It was one thing to check in on them constantly: reminding them to eat, showing them a funny meme, et cetera. All of that was absolutely fine; Jia didn’t care that she had put so much love into Youngeun. In fact, the feeling of friendship was oh so sweet to her.
That was all fine until Jia realized that she didn’t just love Seo Youngeun. Sure, it was one thing to befriend someone, but it was another thing to have your heart skip a beat whenever you see them. Sure, it was one thing to smile at them, but it was another thing to never take your eyes off them. Sure, it was one thing to check in on them, but it was another thing to get worried when they don’t respond quickly. It was one thing to be friends, but it was another thing to want more.
Jia doesn’t notice these things until far into her friendship with Youngeun. They’d been friends for a year when Youngeun asked to be roommates. It was slightly odd that Youngeun and her friends were trying to fit six people into a two room apartment, but it was quite cheap. Six people splitting rent that isn’t even that much? It was quite the deal and who was Jia to say no to that?
Unfortunately, Jia didn’t end up being in the same room as Youngeun; in fact, she didn’t even really know the two people that she’d ended up rooming with. It was all okay, considering she ended up with two new close friends, but at the time, she felt a pang of hurt when Youngeun ended up with Yurina and Xiaoting. She supposed that was the first sign that she’d fallen for Youngeun.
More signs come to her naturally. A few of the signs involve her feeling jealous- like when Youngeun cuddled her pillow at night or when she’d go out with Xiaoting all the time. But many of the signs made her a little too happy. When Youngeun would immediately call Jia after watching a good movie or reading a good book. When Youngeun would always drag Jia by the arm and lead her on whatever adventure she wanted. When Youngeun told Jia that they’d always be together- whether Jia liked it or not. Even a blind person could see that Jia liked it.
Even after this realization, Jia thought that it could go away soon or that it was a small school girl crush. But it didn’t. Part of Jia knew that it never would leave, but part of her was begging that it would quickly flee. No matter how good this love made her feel, she knew she would never be content being just friends with Youngeun.
God, she had sunk low enough just knowing that she wanted to be more than friends with Youngeun, but she managed to go even lower.
After a bad nightmare- one that Jia doesn’t even remember when she wakes up. She has no clue what happened, but the image of Youngeun crying was in her heart and it broke Jia in ways she didn’t think she could be broken. It makes her scratch at her heart, makes her unable to breathe. She can’t stop sobbing, but tries to pull herself together so as to not wake up her roommates. Deep breaths in and out , she reminds herself.
The idea flashes through her mind and body, and before she can control it, she’s walking to the other bedroom. The door is unlocked and the light is off, making Jia think that Youngeun isn’t even awake. But Youngeun is certainly awake, and she looks very concerned the second Jia walks into the room.
“Jia? It’s late, why are you up?” she sets down her phone with a concerned pout. She can’t see Jia’s tears that keep flowing out in the darkness, and for a second, Jia considers just walking back to her room.
“Just-” Jia cuts herself off, scared that her crying would sound too apparent. “Just a nightmare.”
“Oh,” Youngeun nods hurriedly.
“I don’t even know why I’m here,” she chuckles with a sniffle. “I just wanted to see you, I guess.”
Youngeun pats the space next to her, “Come! Sit!”
“What am I? A dog?” another chuckle leaves her lips, and even in the dark, she can see Youngeun’s twitch up. Either way, she sits at the end of Youngeun’s bed.
“No! I meant closer,” Youngeun pouts. “Come, get in bed with me.”
“…”
“Not like that, you pervert!” she hits Jia’s arm. “Just sit and cuddle with me!”
Cuddle… with Youngeun? Jia would be embarrassed to say how much her cheeks flushed. She silently thanked the dark lighting for covering her red face.
“Fine, fine!” she laughs, going to get in bed with Youngeun. The two sit under the blankets together, awkward silence taking them over.
Jia looks over at Youngeun, who’s staring right at her. This embarrasses Jia, who turns her head to look at the ground.
“So, what was the nightmare?” Youngeun asks, sitting closer to Jia and putting an arm around Jia’s waist to make sure she wouldn't fall off. “If you’re comfortable saying, of course! I don’t want to push you to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
“It’s okay,” Jia waves off, feeling like a teenager again because of the way she feels next to Youngeun like this. Her hand is burning Jia’s waist in the best way possible. “I just don’t remember it.”
“Ah,” Youngeun nods understandingly, before resting her head on Jia’s shoulder. “That’s better than remembering, though, isn’t it? Instead of the dream plaguing you all day, you just remember that it hurt?”
“Hm, I guess so,” the older nods.
“It’s okay, Jia,” she sings in a cheery melody. Her voice made it seem like everything was truly okay, “I’m always here for you~ and I love you!”
God, I wish it was the same way I loved you.
“I love you too, Youngeun,” Jia smiles warmly, knowing Youngeun can’t see her.
In a second, Youngeun presses her other hand on Jia’s stomach, pushing her down so that she was laying on the bed, rather than sitting up. Youngeun fell with her, giggling as it was happening, “Sleep time~!”
“Oh?”
“Yep! I’m tired and you need cuddles, so sleep time!”
“Okay, no one said I needed cuddles-”
“Well, I did, so it’s true.”
“Wow, can’t argue with the facts, can I?” Jia jokes.
“Nope, you can’t. Sleep time!”
Youngeun digs her head into Jia’s shoulder, rubbing into it like a cat would, before settling down. Could she feel Jia’s heart beating? It felt like it was about to pound out of her chest, it was going too fast. The feeling calmed her in a weird way. It was safe to say, despite the erratic beating in her heart, she fell asleep quickly in Youngeun's arms.
The next morning, Jia wakes up still cuddling Youngeun and it’s the best feeling in the world.
So, sure, it was one thing to be friends and another to want more than that, but Yoon Jia thinks that either way, she’s happy that Seo Youngeun is in her life. And maybe, one day, they could be more than that.