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It was getting late when his car finally rolled up to the townhouse.
Trin’s phone started ringing before she could even swipe it off the nightstand. Tapping her thumb on the screen, she held up the device to her ear, lips sinking into her bottom lip in a poor attempt to stifle a smile. “Late. Almost made me consider taking the train instead. I should rate you 0 out 5 stars.”
There was a chuckle on the other end and the sound of a car door opening. “Sorry, miss. Got caught up in traffic. Is there any way I can make it up to you?”
“Hmm… I don’t know,” she hummed, skipping down the stairs and making her way to the front door. She paused, taking in the silence on the other end. She thought she could almost see him smiling giddily. Her hand reached out towards the doorknob and turned it, asking coyly, “How do you plan on making it up to me exactly?”
The door was open and there he was – hair slightly tousled from the night breeze, nose and cheeks rosy from the cold, smile so bright that it could light up the entire night. Her breath caught somewhere between her throat and her chest as his smile grew soft, his eyelashes fluttering against the skin of his face as his eyes slowly moved down to her lips, his voice barely above a whisper as he said, “This.”
His lips caught hers, and she felt her heartbeat pulsing in her wrist. She could feel it drumming against her ribcage and against his chest. She was wearing a fur coat, but she was starting to think she might not need it after all. Not with her Choi Seungcheol standing here, so warm, so real .
“Missed me?” he asked, pulling away and slipping an arm around her waist.
“If you think I couldn’t last an entire month without you,” Trin scoffed, rolling her eyes as she pulled the door behind them closed, “then you are absolutely right.”
Seungcheol let out an amused laugh. They walked up the gravel path towards the sidewalk where his car was parked. “It’s not like we didn’t see each other at all this past month,” he argued, smiling softly. She let out a huff, causing him to stifle a laugh. “We FaceTimed almost every night, remember?”
“That doesn’t count!” Trin exclaimed, gently elbowing him in the side. “It’s still not the same as physically being with each other. I couldn’t hug you through FaceTime.”
“You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry,” he laughed gently. As they reached the car, his hand left her waist and Trin pouted. Placing his hand on the door of his red Chevrolet, he opened up the door on the passenger side and she slipped in easily. In no time at all, he was sitting in the driver’s seat and starting up the car, sneaking glances at her and trying not to smile. She noticed, though, and pretended to be annoyed as she asked pointedly, “What?”
She knew Seungcheol was trying hard not to giggle from his little snort and the way his shoulders lifted as he replied, “Nothing.”
As the tires started to roll, she turned away and looked out the tinted window. Just one month apart from each other and here they were acting like a couple of high schoolers on their first date. As if they hadn’t been dating for almost six years already.
“I’m surprised you even had time tonight for the reunion dinner,” she said before her eyes began to well up with tears the way they usually did whenever she thought about how lucky she was to have him. There was something playful and mysterious in his smile that she couldn’t quite put her finger on, as though he were sharing a private joke with himself. His reply was even more cryptic, “Boss had no choice. Tonight’s special.”
“What’s special about it?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. “Cheol, we literally have this reunion dinner every month. It’s not like it happens only once in a hundred years.”
He laughed and shrugged. “I think every moment with you is special.”
“Sure,” she scoffed dismissively, but her heart was running a marathon. “By the way, what are we bringing tonight?”
It was customary to bring something for their college reunion every month. Three years into their relationship, Trin and Seungcheol had decided to bring it together. Their friends had teased them about acting like a married couple. Trin always laughed.
“Yeah. Backseat,” Seungcheol answered. She twisted slightly in her seat, eyes landing on the black box on the backseat. She reached out and picked it up, eyes widening as she read the label. “ Dom Perignon ? For a reunion with college friends? Where the hell did you even get the money for this?”
“Always had it. Remember?”
She did. He always bragged about the vintage wine that he was keeping in stock for special occasions. That made her even more confused. “I thought you were saving this.”
“Yeah,” he shrugged. “Guess I just thought tonight’s a good time to taste it.”
Trin knew he was lying. She was pretty sure he knew that she knew he was lying, too. They had been together for far too long for them not to know each other that well. But he didn’t give anything away, instead wearing that mischievous smile the entire time.
So she didn’t ask.
“There’s the married couple!”
The entire living room clamored as they entered Kyle’s apartment. There were hugs all around, and Trin once again laughed as everyone teased them about upgrading to being a rich married couple after Seungcheol pulled out the Dom Perignon. Soon, she found herself being wheeled into the kitchen with Jane and Elle to have some cake.
“I still can’t believe you two aren’t married yet,” Jane whispered to her in an almost conspiratorial tone, glancing warily at the kitchen doorway. “Six years with the perfect guy in a perfect relationship? What’s taking him so long anyway?”
“If I were you, I would propose,” Elle teased, cutting another slice of cake.
Trin offered a tight-lipped smile as her fork dug into the moist layers of strawberry cake. The refrigerator was cold against her back as she leaned against it. It made her feel restless. She took a slow, deep breath, feeling the air fill up her lungs. She glanced at the doorway and caught a glimpse of Seungcheol in the living room, smiling widely as the guys started busting out the cards to play some card game she didn’t understand.
“It’s not like we’re rushing,” she replied, feeling the corners of her lips tug upwards in a smile and not even bothering to hide it. “Besides, it’s not like we’re unhappy. We’re fine even without being married.”
“You say that now, but the truth is you do want to get married, right?” Elle teased, nudging her with her elbow. Trin simply smiled.
“Just make sure we’re still alive to see you walk down the aisle, okay?” Jane joked, causing laughter to erupt from the three of them. “I can definitely see it, though. You two getting married, having kids, growing old together – the whole deal. Seungcheol definitely seems like the white picket fence kind of guy.”
Trin smiled fondly. “Yeah, he is.”
“So you two have talked about marriage,” Elle caught on quickly.
“Well, yeah, duh,” Trin chuckled, setting down her now-empty plate on the counter. “You can’t be together for six years and not at least talk about it, you know.”
“Hey,” Kyle, the designated host for this month’s reunion, suddenly jumped in. He grinned cheekily when the three girls gave a start, saying, “We were just going to play some card games. Won’t you grace us with your presence?”
“And die of boredom?” Elle raised an eyebrow.
“How could you get bored when you have my pretty face to stare at?” Kyle winked at her, causing her to roll her eyes. Trin watched, amused. Elle and Kyle had always had this push-and-pull relationship. Everyone could tell they liked each other. But for some reason, they would just never get together, not even for a casual fling.
“I would rather throw myself out the window.”
“Go ahead, baby,” Kyle shrugged, pushing himself away from the counter. “It’s just a 1-meter fall. The worst thing you’ll walk away with is dirt on your dress.”
“I hate you sometimes,” Elle spat at him. Despite her stingy retort, she followed him into the living room. Trin and Jane shared knowing looks before catching up to them. Upon joining the group, Trin settled beside Seungcheol on the couch. His arm immediately lifted around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him.
“We’re playing poker. Wanna play?” he softly asked her, moving his lips close to her ear so she would hear him above the noise. Everyone was yelling, arguing about what game to play and who forgot to bring lasagna.
“I don’t even know the rules of that game,” Trin laughed.
“That’s alright,” Seungcheol said, pressing his lips to her hair. She sighed, content. “I’ll just play for the both of us.”
Trin smiled. She smiled, too, when he won and declared that it was “their” win. She smiled when howls erupted from the group and everyone started teasing them again about how Seungcheol would be such a good husband, never letting anything happen to her and always doing everything for her. About how he would take care of her and how she would live like a queen when they get married. How their children would be the luckiest children in the world to have them as their parents.
She thought about the Dom Perignon. The cryptic smile that Seungcheol had in the car. The offhanded dismissal when she asked why he brought it tonight of all times.
She smiled through it all.
“They have a point, you know.”
“What?” she asked, blinking in confusion. She was sitting in front of Seungcheol by the window, the two chairs with rose-patterned cushions facing each other. Between them, there was a round table with a small vase of purple armerias. She was staring at the flowers when he caught her off-guard. “Sorry, about what?”
Seungcheol fixed her with a concerned look. “We were talking about… about that Tumblr post about Harry Potter. I said they had a point when they said that maybe if Draco had met Harry first instead of the Weasleys, then Draco’s life would have been different. Maybe Harry would have influenced him. Maybe he would have even ended up friends with Ron and Hermione, too. It’s just... crazy to think about how one small moment could change the course of your life forever.”
“Oh, uh… Yeah, yeah, it really is,” Trin responded, noncommittal. Seungcheol again stared at her worriedly before leaning slightly across the table, resting his forearm against it. “Are you okay?” he asked, brows furrowing in concern. “You seem out of it.”
“No, I was just thinking about Elle and Kyle.”
It was true. She was thinking about Elle and Kyle. She found it so amusing that they liked each other and yet still wouldn’t admit it to each other. She was sure that they knew it, though. Their feelings bled out so strongly that Trin could see it with just a stolen glance or a whispered word, the slightest touch of skin or muttering of a name. She thought it was weird, but she was almost… envious ?
Seungcheol, oblivious to her spiraling thoughts, glanced at them, cuddling on the couch. “Yeah, they should really start dating. I mean, they’ve practically been together for what? Three years now? All that’s missing is a label.”
“It’s kinda cute that they don’t need it,” Trin laughed softly. Her eyes were trained on them that she didn’t notice Seungcheol pause and stare at her. Mindlessly, she twirled the wine glass in her hand, the liquor sloshing around. They had been there for three hours and by half ‘til midnight, they had decided it was time to drink the expensive wine.
“Do I detect some jealousy there? You don’t want to unlabel us, do you?” Seungcheol asked jokingly. She felt an uneasy tug in her chest, and then felt angry at herself for feeling that way. Wracked with guilt, she tried for the best smile she could manage.
“Like a relationship demotion?” she joked back, surprised that she was able to fake a light tone. Some of the heaviness in her chest lifted upon hearing him laugh. Readjusting in his seat, there was a slight, awkward pause after his laughter died down. She could almost see the gears in his head turning as he watched her closely, the scales weighing the words he was about to say.
Unconsciously, Trin started bouncing her leg. She felt restless and her feet felt like they wanted to run, run as fast and as far away as they could. His stare made her feel safe and vulnerable at the same time. There was something in his eyes that seemed so gentle, so adoring, so unwavering, so… suffocating .
“Yeah, something like that,” he shrugged weakly. Slowly, discreetly, his hands began to reach for his back pocket. Trin caught every movement with a sense of dread. “I sure hope not, though. At least… that’s not what I had planned for tonight.”
The next thing she knew, he was down on his knee.
The oval-cut diamond was familiar. She had seen it many times before during visits to Seungcheol’s family’s house, on his mother’s hand. She had even worn it one time when his mother had insisted she try it on just for the hell of it. It suits you , she had told her with a fond smile. I can’t wait for you to walk down the aisle. You would look so pretty in a white dress. Why, I would walk you myself if I wasn’t the groom’s mother.
“Trin…” Seungcheol’s voice was little above a whisper when he finally spoke, and she barely registered the soft gasps from their friends around them.
She didn’t hear what came next. She stared into his eyes, pools of black so clear that she could see herself reflected in them. And then, she could see them, standing facing each other in front of an altar, her veil pulled back as Seungcheol, so handsome in his tuxedo and hair slicked back, leaned in for a kiss. And then, in front of a white and grey bungalow with a lawn of freshly-mown grass, a white picket fence surrounding it. And then, she saw them eating breakfast with their daughter, dressed up and ready for school. Seungcheol would chase their daughter around the kitchen, making both of them laugh until their bellies hurt, before they finally finished eating, and he would drive her to school before heading off to work and Trin would stay home, keeping everything spick and span, waiting on them.
Her entire life flashed before her eyes, and she hated it.
“I’m sorry.”
And then, she was out of her seat, spilling wine on the floor. The last thing she heard was the sound of glass shattering before she was out the door, tears streaking down her face. A hand shot out and grabbed her wrist before she got far down the front steps.
“Wait, what’s wrong? Trin?”
His voice sounded so worried and guilty as if he were the one that did something wrong, and Trin hated it. She turned around to look at him and he carefully stepped closer, his eyes never leaving her face as his hands lifted to cup her cheeks. His eyes were still so soft and fond, and it felt unbearable to have him look at her with so much love.
“I don’t…” she began, wrenching his hands away. “I don’t know what’s wrong. Maybe I’m the one that’s wrong. Maybe… maybe something’s wrong with me .”
“We can talk about this…”
Trin’s heart sunk at the defeat in his voice, the silent plea between the spaces of his words. She didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve him . “Please, Cheol, just… I don’t know why I can’t. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“I… I thought this was what you wanted.”
“I thought it was, too,” she said, her voice growing weak as sobs began to wrack her body. “And I love you, I do, and I want to be with you, but… Cheol, I don’t think I can do it.”
She always knew Seungcheol wanted a normal life. Getting married, having kids, the whole thing. And she thought she would be able to. She thought it would be okay because she loved him, because she wanted to be with him. But no matter what, he would always be Seungcheol, the man who would be the perfect husband and the perfect father.
And she would always be Trin, the woman who didn’t want marriage or children. The woman who would never be a wife or a mother.
“Then, tell me. What do you want?”
She didn’t want to hear him begging. His words gripped at her heart, tighter, tighter , crushing it. She could tell him what she wanted. To spend her life with him without the ties of marriage, without having any kids. Just them until their very last breaths. But she knew that he would not hesitate. He would swallow his pride and promise to give her whatever she wanted, to always make her happy. But it would be too heartless, too selfish for her to ask that of him, to deprive him of what he wanted.
“I don’t know,” she lied, knowing perfectly well that she wanted him. She just wanted him. “But I know that I don’t want this.”
He was crying now, too, and she forced herself to push him away, tearing her eyes away from the man that she loved the most, not allowing herself one last look even though she knew she would never lay eyes on him again. He pleaded out her name in a low, raspy whisper, and then she was gone, running down the street and away from him.
She wrapped her arms around herself as the cold midnight wind beat against her shivering body. She had left her coat at Kyle’s place along with her heart. All she had right now was her wallet and a long way home.
It’s been a while since she took the night train.