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“Wei Ying!”
Wei Wuxian's eyes shut with a burning pain. His head throbs uncontrollably where it hit the stone, hot blood gushing down his face. But it's nothing in comparison to the ache he senses in Lan Zhan's voice. It's maddening.
Last thing he wants is to frighten Lan Zhan. So he keeps himself awake with rising difficulty, his vision blurred. It's alright. It's a minor injury. He has suffered worse.
In the midst of blackness, he sees shades of blue and white robes flashing before him. It's a good thing to be reminded, he thinks. Lan Zhan does not wear plain white anymore.
A hand clasps the back of his head, steadying it. Night breeze is cool around him, the chirping sound of birds is piercing through the air.
“The spirit?” he asks first.
“Eliminated.” comes the answer and in a heartbeat, Lan Zhan is supporting him by the waist, holding him close. Wei Wuxian can feel a surge of spiritual energy seeping into his skin. He wants to drowse in it. It's warm and refreshing.
“Wei Ying, stay awake,” Lan Zhan says, voice strained.
It seldom happens, Lan Zhan ordering him. But Wei Wuxian wants Lan Zhan to command him often. He should demand for more things, and Wei Wuxian would easily give anything. He already has given his heart to Lan Zhan.
“How can I deny Hanguang-jun?” he teases. It's not the time nor place, but when he has cared.
Lan Zhan's grip tenses on his waist. Why does he end in this predicament then only Lan Zhan holds him like this? He is so close yet so far. How cruel, he thinks. Heavens surely are torturing him for the sins of his past life.
“Lan Zhan, you should sing that song.” he's again bringing it up. It's a distraction and comfort at the same time. “I really like it. I bet you haven't thought of a good name yet.”
“Focus.” is the answer he gets. Now Lan Zhan is being cruel to him, he thinks before his consciousness fades.
The safe solitude of Jingshi greets him when he wakes. He instantly becomes aware of the pain that is gnawing on his forehead and winces. Intuitively, his hand finds the injury and he traces over the area. It is well bandaged.
The way sun rays are streaming through the window he assumes it is mid afternoon. He is dressed in his red under robes, lying on the second bed, made only for him. He sits upright, sucking in deep breath.
It feels like he's woken up from another dream. But at long last, he returned to where he had belonged. To be honest, it is funny because he doesn't belong anywhere. But with Lan Zhan it feels like coming home. He blends in as Lan Zhan makes space for him in his life, in his home. Like it had always been like this. He wonders exactly when it started.
A lifetime ago, there were many things occupying his life that he didn't — couldn't let himself be carried away by Lan Zhan.
Lan Zhan calling him ridiculous, boring and shameless feels like a dejected memory. But underneath it, he had wondered if it was something different. He wished there was another meaning behind those words. Wished he didn't annoy Lan Zhan by his presence. Wished Lan Zhan didn't hate him.
Now that he thinks it was indeed different. Maybe he had been too blind to notice, but Lan Zhan had always been there for him, seeking him.
On Qiongqi path, standing under an umbrella midst of that unfortunate rainy night.
On the roofs of Unclean Realm sitting gracefully by his side saying, Let me help you, Wei Ying.
On that rocky cliff in Nightless city, gripping his hand as the blood oozed out slowly and painfully.
In the Jingshi, playing that nameless song which struck the chords of Wei Wuxian's heart.
Waiting. And always seeking his Wei Ying.
It is one of those times when he needs to put a halt on his unbridled thoughts. He knows he's getting ahead of himself.
After his impromptu arrival on that hill two days ago, Lan Zhan had found him there and brought him back here again. This time willingly.
When Wei Wuxian left he did say they would meet again, it was inevitable not to cross paths again. So as long as the sea is bound to wash up the shore and stars are above them, they would meet again, he had said. But it was more of a promise and out of fear that he would never see Lan Zhan again.
What he didn't expect after entering the mountains of gusu is to hear gentle call of Wei Ying and turn around to meet the staggering sight of Lan Zhan. As if he never left, as if he was waiting for him.
For a long dreadful moment, Wei Wuxian hoped Lan Zhan would grab him or push him on the grass and kiss him passionately. And then afterwards they would confess their undying love for each other. But something like that absolutely didn't happen.
This is enough to say Wei Wuxian's fantasies are endless and frivolous, having no boundaries these days. Perhaps it was better when he didn't know how much he wanted Lan Zhan even though he did. It's a foolish thought. He would never not want to love Lan Zhan.
Shaking his head, he looks around the Jingshi. He frowns and absent-mindedly brushes his nose in habit.
It is odd that Lan Zhan is not here. He should be the first sight Wei Wuxian hoped to see, either meditating or playing guqin. He sighs looking at the scenery outside the window. Then it dawns on him. He's almost forgotten Lan Zhan is the Chief cultivator now. It is not something he should be forgetting because it is something that robbed him of his zhiji.
But if given the chance, he wouldn't want to think about it at all. If he has to be true to himself, he hates it. Why wouldn't he? There's no need for Lan Zhan to deal with cultivation world's politics. There's no need for Lan Zhan to lose his peace of mind because of some greedy sect leaders.
But Lan Zhan is a righteous man. The world needed someone like Hangaung-jun to uphold justice. Wasn't it the right thing to do? He made a choice for himself, and Wei Wuxian had no say in it. Yet it is also a promise he made with him all those years ago. To stand with justice and protect the weak.
Lan Zhan stood with him against the entire world. Not only because he is his zhiji, but it was the right thing to do.
So the painful thing is this : Lan Wangji is not Wei Wuxian's to love. Not in a way Wei Wuxian wants, craves helplessly.
It is a bitter truth. Something he's not able to accept after the events of Guanyin temple. He wants to scream. Because he is too late to realize his feelings for Lan Zhan. Because he has been a complete fool for most of his life.
A deep hollow part of him wants to ask Lan Zhan why hadn't he told him to stay? Why did he let him wander in the world alone where once everyone was trying to kill him?
On the other hand, Wei Wuxian knows, had it not been him being a coward and running away from Lan Zhan? Isn't he the one who's afraid Lan Zhan would not love him in a way he does? Isn't he the one who wants more that he's given?
“Xian-gege?”
He jerks in shock and his eyes meet Sizhui's worried gaze, who's been standing near the bedside in his pristine white clothes holding a tray.
Wei Wuxian realizes he's been breathing erratically and at the same time gripping the bed sheets tightly. He immediately lets go and laughs it off. As if nothing happened.
“When did you arrive, A-Yuan?”
“A moment ago. I knocked on the door, but you didn't respond. I am sorry for intruding,” Sizhui says, brows furrowed in concern. “Are you alright, Wei-qianbei?”
“Yes, I am fine. Nothing to worry,” he tells him and gives an assuring smile. It is always easy to put a smile on his face. Genuine or not, it's effective most of the time.
But Sizhui is not looking convinced. To Wei Wuxian's relief he does not mention it and gestures at the tray in his hands. “Food.”
“Ah.” Wei Wuxian smiles one more time and jumps off the bed in a swift motion. A little whimper escapes his lips when sudden pain flickers in his left shoulder. He ignores it completely the moment Sizhui looks at him one more time, giving a worried glance.
He sits around the low table to eat, Sizhui following him and sitting across from him.
“Hanguang-jun is busy. He told me to check on you and bring food,” the kid informs him while setting up a bowl of rice and vegetable soup on the table from the tray.
Of course, Lan Zhan would. Wei Wuxian means to say. Instead, he hurriedly grabs the chopsticks and starts eating. His throat is parched and stomach empty.
“I'm thankful, Sizhui. You and your father are the best.” he praises as he swallows down the first bite of rice. It's bland. There's somewhere chilli oil in the Jingshi, Lan Zhan had given to him on the first night after he had returned. But he's too hungry to care.
“There's no need for you to say thanks, Wei-qianbei.” Sizhui blushes and doesn't look him in the eye. What did he say again? Ah, yes. You and your father are the best.
Wei Wuxian smiles warmly at him. It is fascinating how Lans get easily flustered. Though A-Yuan is not technically a Lan, it works fine.
“Tell me how are you faring?” he asks. “And how's everything going on cloud recesses after you come back from your travels?”
He does not know much about the state of everyone here after Lan Zhan took on the title of his excellency.
Things he knows are this : Zewu-jun is out of seclusion and slowly taking on his duties as Sect leader. Lan Xiansheng is teaching classes and at the same time helping Lan Zhan in his Chief cultivator position. Wen Ning is settled in Caiyi.
Right now he listens earnestly as Sizhui starts speaking about the events that happened in his absence.
Sizhui fills in small details like how sects are complaining about some of Lan Zhan's decisions, but no one is actually willing to provide reasonable arguments. How they are fighting over territories and occasionally making comments like Chief cultivator is too stiff and strict.
Halfway, Sizhui falters and changes the subject. But Wei Wuxian catches on given how attentive he is. “What was that? Are you hiding something from me, A-Yuan? I'm hurt. ”
“No, that…” Sizhui shakes his head and sighs at his own foolishness. “Since Hangaung-jun became chief cultivator, he has received many marriage proposals.”
In spite of the wetness of the vegetable soup in his mouth, Wei Wuxian's throat turns dry.
“Oh.” He swallows bitterly. No wonder Sizhui didn't want to talk about it. “And what did Hangaung-jun do?”
If the answer is something that he doesn't hope for, then he wonders maybe he should pack his bags and return before Lan Zhan comes back. It'd be easier to flee than face the reality. But in any case he would never do that.
“Of course he rejected every proposal, Wei-qianbei. ”
He wants to know why Sizhui is telling him with such sureness and the implication of how he already knows Hangaung-jun would not marry. But he won't ask. He's too afraid to find something that he doesn't hope for.
“I see.” He ducks his head and eats a spoonful of vegetables. If there's huge relief painted on his face, he tries to hide it.
Sizhui doesn't say anything after that, he seems to be lost in thought. Wei Wuxian lets silence carry on and eats his food without giving away anything.
When Sizhui speaks again, Wei Wuxian readies himself to hear something unexpected again.
“That day when Hanguang-jun came to visit us, you wanted him to stay, didn't you?” His voice is hesitant and solemn. “I believe you were very sad after he left. ”
It takes Wei Wuxian a few seconds to realize that he is speaking of burial mounds.
“A-Yaun, it's all in the past. What I wanted, and thinking what could have happened otherwise is all useless. ”
Sizhui holds his gaze and speaks as if he is carefully choosing the words, “If you want to stay here, Hangaung-jun will let you.”
Kids are surely clever. Especially Sizhui, who has discerned it straight away. Is Wei Wuxian easy to read? Or his moping is greatly visible to everyone? That would be terrible. He doesn't want to think about it.
“Do you want to know why I left?” he guesses.
Sizhui nods, ashamed.
“In my two lifetimes, Lan Zhan has done so much for me. I can't ask for more. ” His voice breaks halfway through.
Sizhui looks like he wants to refute, but Wei Wuxian shuts him off before he can open his mouth, “Aiyah, when did you start speaking about these things? Don't speak of it anymore. ”
“I am sorry. If I overstepped —”
“No need for any apology. You're a good kid, Sizhui.” He gives him a warm smile. Sizhui should not be concerned with the matters of his heart.
He needs to change the subject. So he prompts, “Tell me about Jingyi. How's he doing? And why hasn't he come to visit me yet?”
“He's busy with writing night hunt reports,” Sizhui says.“But later today he'll meet us at the infirmary.”
“Wait ,why? I'm totally fine.”
Sizhui frowns minutely, it mirrors Lan Zhan.
“Hanguang-jun insisted that we have to visit Lan-daifu,” he tells him. He's clearly not in agreement with Wei Wuxian's nonchalant attitude towards his own health. “To have a look better at your condition, and change the bandages if necessary.”
“He worries too much.” Wei Wuxian pouts.
Sizhui gives him a sweet smile. “Because he cares about you so much. He is unable to see you hurt.”
“A-Yuan, you! '' Wei Wuxian chides weakly. It is moments later he realizes he is blushing.
Sun is partly visible on the horizon when Lan Zhan comes back to Jingshi. Evening sunlight washes over the hardwood in a faint shade of orange. Wei Wuxian looks up from where he is sitting at the table, in the mess of half-finished talismans. He has already bathed himself, donning in black clothes.
“How are you feeling?” is the first question Lan Zhan asks as he puts bichen on the stand, beside suibian.
His injury has been checked up in the afternoon and spending time with juniors raised his spirits. He's sure he appears to be in a good mood and nowhere in pain. But even after seeing it Lan Zhan would ask anyway.
“Too good now that you are here!” Wei Wuxian answers, his smile deepening.
“Do not joke.” It is a warning, layered with concern.
“I am not joking, Lan Zhan. How can I feel any pain when you take good care of me?”
Lan Zhan ignores that and queries, “Does it hurt?”
“No.” It is true. He doesn't feel any physical pain which Lan zhan seems to be implying. Though emotional pain is another thing. It won't go away, not when his yearning seems to have increased. Just looking at Lan Zhan makes him dizzy.
It was different when these feelings didn't have any proper name. Now that everything has sorted out and laid bare in front of him, he's both bashful and burns with want.
“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan's voice shakes him to the ground.
“I am just distracted by your peerless beauty, Hangaung-jun.” He blurts out before he can stop himself. He hasn't taken a sip of the emperor's smile, and he's already drunk.
Lan Zhan stares at him with an emotion Wei Wuxian can't unravel. “Do not tease,” he says at last, eyes sharp.
“I am only speaking the truth. No one can compare with Lan er-gongzi's beauty,” Wei Wuxian says, his expression sincere. And to some extent he does misses that this older and mature Lan Zhan refrains from calling him shameless and ridiculous. Years sure change people in a significant way. It is hard not to mourn all the time he has lost.
“Wei Ying is also beautiful.”
When he hears it, he nearly chokes. Lan Zhan looks impassive, but his ears are turned red. It is not at all comforting that Lan Zhan finds him beautiful.
He needs to occupy himself with something else. Then only he finds out that Lan Zhan has been holding a stack of books tucked into his left arm.
“What are these?” he questions, curious.
“Cultivation manuals,” Lan Zhan answers, giving him a meaningful look. “To help develop your core. ”
How could he forget? Last night he must have scared Lan Zhan by injuring himself.
The night he had been back in cloud recesses, he was smugly telling Lan Zhan about his progress with his sword (which Jiang cheng had returned to him while he accidently passed through Yunmeng during his travels). Though Lan Zhan had been clearly displeased at the thought of him meeting Jiang cheng again, and Wei Wuxian had to assure him that his brother had no intention of harming him again.
In all honesty, he hasn't made enough progress. Neither it is possible to do it all by himself, without any help. Both of them know this. Yet Lan Zhan had indulged him yesterday and took him on a nighthunt after his damnable whining.
He feels guilty. “How am I going to repay your kindness, Lan Zhan?”
“There's no need.” comes a typical reply.
He smiles fondly then, and Lan Zhan smiles back a little like he does in his usual manner. It's like a rosiest flower that blooms rarely. It makes Wei Wuxian more lovelorn. He would do anything to see Lan Zhan smile. It also makes him giddy and prideful that he’s the reason for the smile.
Lan Zhan places the books on the table and then turns around to walk behind the privacy screen. Meanwhile Wei Wuxian struggles hard to look at the set of texts in front of him. He hears soft rustling of clothes followed by the sound of water splashing. And he yearns. So desperately and wistfully.
He wants to smack himself for thinking impure of Lan Zhan. What would Lan Zhan think if he knew? What if he feels familial love towards Wei Wuxian? Not anything more which Wei Wuxian has perceived by his wild imagination on certain occasions.
It drives him crazy, Lan Zhan finding out. Would he pity him and eventually push him away? Wei Wuxian can't risk that. If it is friendship which is given, he would gladly soak in it as much as he can. Yet he knows it'll never be enough.
For the time being, he hopes he doesn't break this bond they're having. It is very precious. He doesn't want to taint it. He distracts himself and suppresses his desires.
When Lan Zhan comes back to sit beside him, he's not wearing his extra layers of clothing and heavy headpiece. He looks serene and tender, glowing in the candlelight.
By that time Wei Wuxian had flipped through many pages of the books, reading what he thought was necessary. So he complains, “I don't think I'll be able to meditate like this. Lan methods are tedious.”
“You have to try," Lan Zhan insists.
“Ah, Lan Zhan, have mercy on your poor Zhiji.” He wails like a child, voice playful.
In response, Lan Zhan fixes him with an unyielding look. He looks very serious with a hint of little frustration and intensive care underneath the surface.
Wei Wuxian wants to evoke more reactions out of him. He wonders if it's possible for him to see what lies on the other side. To see more of Lan Zhan's emotions. He stops himself before his mind starts to wander into dangerous territory.
“Hah, don't be angry. I'll try. I'll do my best for you.” He promises. Saying no to Lan Zhan is something he wouldn't do in this life.
Lan Zhan looks pleased and just then light footsteps echo at the entrance of the Jingshi followed by a knock. It must be dinner. Wei Wuxian gets up and takes the food from Lan disciple, murmuring thanks.
As they begin to eat Lan Zhan provides him chilli oil, which was stored not quite hidden on one of the shelfs. Once again he feels deeply cared for. Like he is getting submerged under the emotions. Then all of sudden he recalls what Sizhui said in the afternoon. He decides to broach the subject directly instead of beating around the bush.
“I have heard you have gotten many marriage proposals.” He brings it up casually like it doesn't affect him at all. Though it tastes like venom on his tongue. His voice is low as if he would ruin something. Someone.
Lan Zhan looks at him a bit oddly. Wei Wuxian can tell he is taken back by sudden mention of the topic, but he gives no overt reaction. He only hums, acknowledging it.
“So your uncle and elders…” Wei Wuxian speaks warily. “They aren't pressuring you, won't be pressuring you in the future?”
Lan Zhan pauses for a long moment before simply saying, “They know.”
Wei Wuxian can hear his heartbeat almost dropping. He repeats,“They know what?”
“That I will not marry,” Lan Zhan answers.
“Oh.” He doesn't ask why they know this. He doesn't ask why Lan Zhan doesn't want to marry either. He's not ready to know. He remains quiet and stuffs his mouth with food. Today he finds no talking during the meal rule as his saviour.
“Does Wei Ying want to marry?”
It is then when he stumbles and one of the chopsticks drops in the bowl with a light clink. There's no doubt he's making an awful expression because Lan Zhan blinks at him, brows furrowed.
He opens his mouth and closes it, unable to form any immediate response. Under such circumstances, he can't help but laugh nervously. “I don't think I want to. I haven't thought about it. No plans whatsoever. Besides, who would want to marry Yiling Laozu?" A breath later he ponders loudly, "Why do you ask?”
“Curious,” Lan Zhan replies and adds sternly, “In case Wei Ying has forgotten, he's not Yiling Laozu anymore.”
“Well, yes. But you know how it is.”
Lan Zhan doesn't seem to budge and gives him an adamant stare.
“Eat. Talking during meals is not allowed!” he squeaks and begins eating again with his head down. Lan Zhan also resumes eating, letting go of the subject.
Wei Wuxian's relief is immediate. After that, there is only silence that fills the room as they eat.
After they have finished eating, Wei Wuxian prepares to meditate. Lan Zhan sits with him.
“Don't you need to sleep early? You should go to bed,” he says. He knows Lan Zhan must be tired so he doesn't want to trouble him with his problems. He deserves proper rest after working all day.
“I'll keep you company for a while,” Lan Zhan says, insistent.
“You don't have to. There's really no need. I promise I will do it diligently.”
“I want to.” He is so stubborn when he has made up his mind.
Wei Wuxian smiles at him. “If you say so. How can I reject your company?”
Lan Zhan doesn't let him doze off in the middle of meditating. It is only thanks to his zhiji that he manages to sit through the whole vigorous process. He channels and concentrates his spiritual energy just like described in the texts.
It's past Lan bed time when both of them go to sleep.
He's unsure why he stirs in the middle of night but sleep vanishes. It’s not a nightmare. He hasn’t had many in the past few months. Most of his dreams are filled with Lan Zhan.
Lan Zhan smiling at him, hugging him, touching him, kissing him, calling his name with an ardent voice.
Today he has slept dreamless. Even if he has dreamt something he doesn’t quite remember it. He curls up in the bed with a warm blanket pulled over, shielding him from Gusu’s coolness. He wants to sleep to take him again, maybe he will dream of Lan Zhan this time.
But a moment later, the quietness of the night shatters. He hears : Wei Ying.
His eyes snap open, and he's jolting up. He is not hallucinating. It's definitely Lan Zhan. He crosses the distance separating them in just a few strides. Next moment he’s kneeling by Lan Zhan’s bed who's shivering in his sleep, calling his name desperately.
“Lan Zhan, I am here. Wake up.”
“Do not.... leave.”
“I am not leaving you, Lan Zhan.”
“I am sorry.” Lan Zhan rasps in the quiet of the night. "I...should have...stayed."
Wei Wuxian is hit by a sudden wave of agony. Frantically he reaches out and holds Lan Zhan’s hand, gently stroking it as he calls Lan Zhan's name again and again. Ache in his chest grows and grows.
Finally Lan Zhan opens his eyes. He looks confused, eyes flitting to Wei Wuxian where he is kneeling by the bed and their joined hands.
“You were having a nightmare,” Wei Wuxian says letting go in a quick movement.
Lan Zhan sits up on the bed, the curtain of his hair cascades down his back. In the moonlight, his beauty is even more admirable. He looks bare without his forehead ribbon.
Gingerly, Wei Wuxian stands up and then sits at the edge of the bed. “You were calling my name.” he says, voice soft and serious.
Lan Zhan looks pained and panic flickers in his eyes. He doesn't meet Wei Wuxian's gaze.
It is very similar to when he asked about the scars. Lan Zhan won't answer him.
How could he? Wei Wuxian is the reason for the pain inflicted on him.
“Lan Zhan, you don't remember this, but I have told you this before.” He reaches forward and daringly lifts Lan Zhan chin, making him look into his eyes. “My choices were my own. It's not your fault. Nothing was your fault.”
Something burns. Something shifts. Because Lan Zhan looks sad. He doesn't believe it, he won't believe him.
Wei Wuxian closes his eyes. He can't watch it. Ache in his chest unfurls when he hears Lan Zhan say, “I didn't help you. ”
“Hanguang-jun,” he snarls, anger flaring through his veins. “What could you have done? Abandon your sect and join me in the burial mounds?”
“Yes.” It's a swift answer, punching the air out of his lungs.
“You can't be serious.” He takes a shuddering breath. Why can't Lan Zhan understand? For the first time he feels Lan Zhan shouldn't be this good. Not to him. Not to anyone. It's unfair to deserve such kindness.
He looks him in the eyes. “You rescued A-Yuan. You fought against your elders and you —” got whipped because of it. You were left with scars that won't go away.
“Who told you?” Lan Zhan's tone is sharp and dipped in so much emotion.
“Your brother did. Because you would never tell me by yourself. I needed to know somehow. ”
“It's not your fault.”
Still, Lan Zhan doesn't seem to understand —doesn't want to understand. He can't argue with Lan Zhan.
They stay like that, frozen in time as they look at each other for what it feels like an eternity. No word spoken. Only thick silence filled with mistakes made in the past.
Lan Zhan's gaze lowers and settles on his hands folded in his lap. He looks so fragile.
“I only watched you suffer, Wei Ying. I —”
It is then when he pushes forward. He does not know what he's doing. He holds Lan Zhan's face in his hand, gently cupping warm skin there on his cheekbones. Lan Zhan looks shocked, lips parted.
His lips meet Lan Zhan's. Lan Zhan goes still, and then shivers as if burned.
Wei Wuxian pulls back quickly. The tentative hope is crushed like petals beneath the boot. It all happens too quickly.
“I am sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I —” he stands up in a hurry and runs.
He has finally done it. He has ruined his relationship with Lan Zhan. He needs to get out of here. Somewhere far away.
He wishes some resentful spirit counters him. It'd be easier to fight and vent on his own resentment when he feels the ghost of Lan Zhan's lips lingering against his which he can never unfeel.
He's crossing Jingshi's threshold, just about to descend the steps into a stone path stretched below when he's being stopped.
Everything seems to pause. His mind goes blank, every other thought leaves him.
“Lan Zhan,” he mewls. His breath is stuck in his throat.
“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan's voice is hoarse like he's putting out words in crisis. His breath tickles Wei Wuxian's neck as he inhales sharply. Warmth of his body pressing against him is overwhelming. “Don't leave.”
He can't find words. He swallows hard, breathing heavier. He's grounded to the spot, feet touching the cold wooden floor.
He looks up. It's a cloudless night. Stars above are shining in the blackness. Lan Zhan is embracing him from behind, just outside the jingshi, and he's tearing up.
What kind of convoluted dream is this?
“I am so sorry,” He utters, fully apologetic.
“There's nothing to apologize for.” This time the voice is a little stable.
“Please stop it, Lan Zhan,” he laughs weakly, mirthless and sour. It echoes through the surroundings, howling with the night breeze.
He really wants to hide himself where his shadow even wouldn't touch Lan Zhan.
But Lan Zhan is not letting him go. He can't break out of his hold.
“Can you stop being this kind to me? You shouldn't indulge me. Not like this. This is unfair. If you keep this up, I might end up taking more advantage.” He makes it sound like a threat. It should be enough. Lan Zhan should push him away.
“You didn't take any advantage.”
Another hollow laugh escapes him. “I just did that earlier, Lan Zhan. Lying is forbidden!”
“I am aware.” Lan Zhan is breathing heavily. He loosens his hold, slowly letting go. “What I said remains unchanged.”
Wei Wuxian is imagining things. He must be.
“What do you mean?” he turns in Lan Zhan's arms in an instant, looking at him hesitantly. His eyes are hazed.
“I love Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says and kisses the space between his eyebrows, just below the fabric of the bandage.
It feels like falling from a cliff. Liberating and every pain coming to end. Only difference is he is falling into Lan Zhan's arms, not solid earth, fire and blood greeting him.
He hides his face in Lan Zhan's shoulder and hugs him tighter, not caring if he's crushing him. “Lan Zhan.”
“I am here, Wei Ying.” Strong arms tighten around him.
“Can you repeat what you just said?” he murmurs.
“I love you. I always have.”
He makes a strangled noise at that. “Lan Wangji, ah, Lan Wangji, you really......my heart will combust!”
“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan sounds fervid.
“Lan Zhan, let’s go inside. I am cold.”
They walk together and Lan Zhan lights up the candles with a snap of his fingers. They sit on the bed, side by side.
“You said…..you always loved me.” Wei Wuxian starts again.
“Mn.” Lan Zhan takes his hands, holding him in place. Was he fidgeting?
His heart is beating so fast. He stares at Lan Zhan’s hands, long calloused fingers in his grasp.
He fails to compose himself to have meaningful conversation and twattles, “You aren't lying for my sake, are you? I can't — it's hard to comprehend. You....”
“Does Wei Ying think I would do such a thing?”
“Noo, no.” He regrets his words in a flash of seconds.“Ah, Lan Zhan, sorry. I think I can't process anything right now. I'm just overwhelmed.”
Lan Zhan gives him a light squeeze of his hands to calm him down.
“If I knew I wouldn't have left. I thought that you — well, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm a fool. I should have known better. But just thinking of esteemed Hangaung-jun being in love with Yiling Laozu….. how scandalous! I didn't want to dare think that you would love me romantically, but I did it anyway. How could I not after everything you did for me? But you're too good. How would I supposed to know? And—”
“Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan admonishes softly.
“But there's so much I want to tell you.”
“Tell me later,” Lan Zhan says, he looks at him with eyes full of hope.“Will you stay here?”
“Yes.” Wei Wuxian promises, and confesses honestly, “I would stay wherever you are. It doesn't matter where. As long as you are with me, I can bear anything.”
Lan Zhan's eyes widen a little.
“I love you. I can't live without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
It's Lan Zhan who kisses him on the lips this time, a brush of lips that doesn't linger more than mere seconds because Lan Zhan parts to say, “I love you. I can't live without you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Wei Wuxian kisses him deep now. His hands thread in Lan Zhan's hair, pulling him close. Lan Zhan clutches his shoulders, mouth inviting him. He has no idea what he's doing, but he pours his soul into it, kissing again and again, until Lan Zhan's lips are swollen and lovely pink, glistening with spit. He looks flushed.
Wei Wuxian must look the same.
“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, look at you. You look so… I want, I want….” he pants, babbling the words stupidly. He doesn't know what exactly he wants. Actually he wants many things. Everything. But both of them are tired and sleep deprived. He doesn't want to rush this at all.
“Whatever Wei Ying wants he can have.” Lan Zhan encourages, and oh he's blushing.
Wei Wuxian's heart swells. For a moment, he cannot believe how much Lan Zhan wants him. How is Lan Zhan able to say such a thing easily?
“Choose your words wisely, Lan Zhan. Think of the consequences before you speak. I won't be able to control myself!”
“Then don't.”
“We aren't married yet.” He scolds a little seriously. “Imagine your shufu finding out about this.”
Lan Zhan's gaze drops. “Perhaps we are already…..”
“Already what?” He repeats questionably if he heard wrong. After all, his head is spinning with all the emotions he's feeling right now.
“Married,” Lan Zhan says, meeting his eyes.
“......”
It strikes like a thunder, leaving him in shock and paralyzed state.
“Lan Zhan shouldn't joke about this. Do you truly want your shufu to go into qi deviation?”
“I am not joking.” Lan Zhan indeed appears serious.
“What? Please explain. Or I'll really combust out of curiosity and sheer stupidness.”
Lan Zhan takes a long breath, glancing away from him. “In the cold pond cave, I tied you with my ribbon. Ancestor Lan Yi witnessed. Wei Ying must remember.”
”Yes, I remember that. What about it? ” He's internally malfunctioning. It must be very important. He's messed up pretty bad. “I hate to ask this but what's the meaning of your forehead ribbon again?”
He vaguely remembers Lan Zhan telling him about it. He was drunk at that time. Whatever conversation they had is all a blur in his head. And he did copy rules, but he doesn't remember anything related to the ribbon.
Lan Zhan is looking at him like he expected this response. He's not at all surprised.
“I forgot many things. I really am sorry.”
“I am the one who should apologize. It was not a proper marriage. I….” he trails off and looks troubled. He appears to be teetering for the right words, which is a rare sight. “You weren't aware of it and didn't consent to it. It didn't mean anything.”
It feels like ice cold water is thrown over his head. Air around them is filled with melancholy. It comes as an awful shock that he has spent a life without knowing how it feels to receive Lan Zhan's affection. It comes as a more dreadful shock how it could have been easily given if he just asked.
“But you considered it marriage. It meant something to you. Lan Zhan, you….lived like a widower all these years.”
“It was my choi—”
Wei Wuxian kisses the words away. He never thought he would have to shut up Lan Zhan twice. Let alone like this.
Lan Zhan melts against him quickly. Their mouths move together, soft and wet, full of love and tenderness.
In the end, they settle in each other's arms, their hearts thrumming synchronized. It is pure bliss to have this, Wei Wuxian realizes.
“Lan Zhan, I want you to hold me everyday.”
“Mn.”
“Kiss me everyday too.” he says and kisses Lan Zhan's neck, nuzzling softly.
“Yes, Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan promises as if a spark of excitement stream through him.
“Er-gege, are you alright?” Wei Wuxian asks with a teasing laugh.
“Wei Ying should rest now. We will tomorrow…..sleep.”
Wei Wuxian grins wider, feeling giddy.“Tomorrow what, Lan Zhan? Are you thinking of some indecent things you plan to do? How shameless!”
To his surprise Lan Zhan hums in agreement, and We Wuxian thinks tomorrow can never come sooner. The smile on his face doesn't die till he completely falls asleep in the arms of his beloved.
He will never be cold again.