Chapter Text
Juwon hates to admit he's feeling dreadful about going back to Manyang. A little over a year has gone by since he left and awkwardness is creeping up his sleeves and down the collar of his shirt, making him sweat, palms having to grasp the steering wheel a little tighter. It's not like he left on bad terms with everyone, clearly not, he's even been in touch with Jaeyi and Jihoon mostly and the others did send him birthday wishes - Jongje even went through the bother of sending him a handmade card with a small word from everyone. Even him . It was just Happy Birthday, scribbled in this neat handwriting he knows too well. His heart grows sour at the memory.
Juwon knows the road like the back of his hand for having gone from Seoul to Manyang quite a lot back in the days. It was when he was still on speaking terms with his father. His engagement and then wedding with another man definitely burned what was left of any bridge between him and Han Kihwan. Juwon doesn't regret the bridge if he has to be honest. While the wedding is on his mind, Juwon's gaze briefly lands on the band still adorning his finger. Somehow he hasn't been able to bring himself to stop wearing it.
Even if it's your own fault , he thinks.
Juwon clicks his tongue, annoyed at himself. There is nothing to worry about, it's supposed to be a good day, they're celebrating Nam Sangbae's release from the hospital where he'd been for the past two weeks because of a fractured ankle. So there's really nothing to worry about, it's just the usual group hanging around and finding a good pretext to finally go on that picnic weekend that they've been pushing off since forever. Still, Juwon's heart skips a beat when he sees he's passing by the sign announcing he's reached Manyang.
__
His hands shake on the wheel and Juwon has to grip it with force to stop the tremors. He refuses to have a panic attack on this day, he's making himself sick for no reason at all. It's silly, he knows it and yet.
Knock, knock.
Juwon nearly flings himself in the passenger seat at the sound, startled out of his soul. Jaeyi looks at him funny, one eyebrow raised in question before she waves her hand for him to roll the window down.
"Are you okay in there, Han Juwon?" she asks softly.
"You scared me." Juwon's tone is a bit accusing but the smile that's playing on Jaeyi's lips says no offence taken. She even seems a little smug about it actually.
"My bad." she replies, half apologetic as she opens the door for him.
Juwon gets out and they stay standing facing each other in silence for a couple of beats. Then Jae Yi hugs him and Juwon realises how much he's missed this, their relationship. He falls back into the habit like he left town yesterday only, arms wrapping around her shoulders with a peaceful sigh. Jae Yi glares up at him, then nudges him in the ribs with her elbow as she moves away, mischief painting her smile.
Juwon rubs over the sore spot "Hmph."
After he's taken his bags from the back seat and locked the car, they both walk side by side on the small road that's snaking down to the house sitting by the lake.
"How have you been?"
"Fine."
Juwon knows he's answered too fast for it to be natural but Jaeyi, if she notices, doesn't mention nor dwell on it.
"What about you?" What about him?
The unsaid question burns his tongue.
"Doing good. Thinking about expanding the business maybe."
"Really? That's great!" Juwon's enthusiasm is genuine as he gives a small applause to Jaeyi. "If you start delivering to Seoul, let me know." he adds with a chuckle.
"Never." Jaeyi is glaring at him again. "I don't intend to overwork myself like a certain someone!"
Juwon lifts his hands in mock surrender, stepping a little ahead. Being with Jaeyi eases his nerves, he feels grateful to her. They had a rowdy start when he arrived in Manyang but Jaeyi quickly became a reliable and trusted friend for him, so much so that she was his beard for some time. It was all platonic dates but Juwon knows they both had great times and whatever link they built on those dates wasn't just surface level. For an only child like him, Juwon feels like he gained more than a friend.
"How are you feeling?" she asks, both their feet dragging in the gravel of the alley.
Juwon shrugs, attempting to grimace something that could pass off as a smile but it's an absolute fail judging by Jaeyi's face. She snorts but doesn't add more. Juwon indicates the house with his chin, too tensed up to use words.
"Everyone is fine." Jaeyi stares at him a bit. "He's doing fine too, I guess." she adds but doesn't elaborate.
It makes Juwon curious but he knows better than to ask, Jaeyi held her friends' privacy at heart. They hear animated discussion now and not so surprisingly, Juwon's hands are sticky with sweat again. His ears pick up on a familiar voice.
The sound of home. The voice that used to be his home for two years of blissful wedlock. Four years of common life together. Until they parted ways last year. On friendly terms. At least on paper, since they went for the mutual consent. The last days were sad and they didn't speak much until Juwon moved out with his stuff. But that last afternoon, Dongsik hugged him one last time with heartbreaking gentleness, murmured "Thanks for walking this road with me." and left their flat so Juwon could finish packing. It still makes Juwon's throat tight with pain and longing.
They round the right side of the house, finding everyone gathered on the small wooden veranda, white and purple wisteria falling in a delicate shower from the pergola and lending benevolent shade to hide from the still ardent sun. Nam Sangbae is back to them, sitting in a comfy chair, right foot propped on a low stool. Jongje comes right out through the large window bay with a small cushion in hand, likely for Chief Nam's foot Juwon guesses, spilling laughter as he glances over his shoulder. More laughter erupts from inside the house, followed by high pitched shrieking and then more laughs. The good mood is something Juwon misses, Seoul can be a little too cold sometimes, even during summertime.
Hwang Kwang Young is manning the fire for the barbecue, or at least trying to. Jongje is now patting the cushion, fluffing it a little too much for Chief Nam's taste who shoos him away with a wave of the hand. Nothing much seems to have changed, a fact that Juwon finds both comforting and bitter. He doesn’t dwell on the thoughts though, leaving them to brew for a later time when he’d be alone with himself. Jaeyi nudges him again, gentler than previously, and Juwon realises he's been taking root on the spot, right at the corner of the house, out of sight.
"Come on, it's going to be okay." she encourages, linking their arms.
Juwon exhales a shaky sigh, nodding, and it does feel a little like diving as he steps forward.
"Yah! What are you doing?" That's a teasing tone, full of held back giggles, Juwon would recognise among a million. "At this rate, the sun will set and rise again before you get this fire going."
"Ah, I'm only trying because Jaeyi asked." Kwang Young protests, frown getting deeper.
Dongsik is right there, freshly emerging from the other side of the house, an armful of wood clenched against his chest. He's covered in a slight sheen of sweat, sun tanned skin glistening prettily, a pair of shades hanging around his neck. His hair is shorter than the last time Juwon saw him and it does suit him well. Juwon's gaze follows him as he walks to Kwang Young with a shake of his head, bending down to drop the wood. Has he gotten muscles , Juwon wonders as he stares at Dongsik’s biceps flexing while he arranges the wood in a neat pile.
"You're drooling, Han Juwon, close your mouth." says a voice loudly, passing right next to him.
Startled, Juwon almost drops his bags, taking a step back. Every head turns in his direction and Juwon has never wanted the ground to swallow him whole more than in this instant. They all smile and they wave a hand at him, though he can feel expectation from them as they briefly glance toward Dongsik. Juwon still hopes for the ground to open under his feet.
"Unni, finally!" In the meantime, Jaeyi let go of Juwon's arm to offer a warm embrace to Jihwa.
"Sorry, had to wrap up at the station." she says, adjusting her sunglasses on her nose. "Hope I got the right pieces of meat." she adds, lifting a large black plastic bag and dropping keys, that Juwon recognises to be of the meat shop, in Jaeyi's hand.
Juwon barely registers the rest of the conversation between the two women, head fuzzy, brain zeroing in on one person only. Dongsik looked up at Jihwa's entrance and he's still smiling, staring at Juwon with the same mirth in his eyes. In a couple of strides, he's by Juwon, grabbing one of his bags.
"Juwon-ah, long time no see." he says and Dongsik sounds as warm as Juwon remembers it.
Juwon slow blinks, lungs filling up with air and stomach weirdly flopping around with butterflies.
He nods "Mh. It's been a while." Juwon doesn't know how but smiling back at him doesn't feel as hard as he imagined it to be.
Dongsik’s smile turns cheeky, eyes crinkling at the corner "My charm still works it seems."
Juwon snorts reflexively, crossing his arms, hoping that his cheeks flushing would get attributed to standing in the sun rather than being taken by surprise.
"As if. Just noticing some change." he says, eyeing Dongsik from head to toes. "That's new? When did you get rid of your mane?" he adds, gesturing toward his hair.
"It wasn't a mane ." Dongsik scoffs, hand over his chest in mock offence. Juwon pointedly ignores how much skin his grey v-neck reveals, gearing his brain to focus on Dongsik’s chipped nail. "Beside that, you liked my mane." Definitely hasn't noticed the sweat pearling and snaking down the middle of his pectorals to die in the grey fabric, definitely not. "And it's fresh from a couple of days ago, to answer your question."
Dongsik then nods in the direction of the house and Juwon follows along. There's still laughter coming from inside and once he steps inside, Juwon hears music. A melody he's familiar with for he heard it so many times whenever Minjeong's phone rang.
C'est le temps de l'amour
Le temps des copains
Et de l'aventure
In the open kitchen, Juwon sees Minjeong and Yuyeon, moving about while the place fills with delicious food fumets, the moist odour of rice and the unmistakable scent of chicken. They're both swinging to the rhythm of the music, the speaker sitting neatly away from everything in the middle of the kitchen island.
"Noona, Minjeong-ah." Dongsik calls with a smile.
Yuyeon lifts her gaze up from the pot where the chicken is, her eyes crinkling at the corners upon seeing Juwon.
For Minjeong, it's another story: the second she spots him, she runs to Juwon, plastering herself against his chest with full force, almost knocking him over, arms slung around him tightly.
She exclaims upon hit "Juwon oppa!" Demonstrating quite some strength for such thin limbs, Minjeong squeezes Juwon who can only cough out a laugh under the pressure. Dongsik chuckles faintly beside them, shaking his head with fondness.
"Have you been well, Minjeong-ah?" Juwon asks, patting her head.
Minjeong nods vigorously, finally ungluing herself from Juwon.
"Are you coming back for good?" she questions. There's that identical spark of mirth in her eyes, that of Dongsik.
Despite knowing she's only teasing, Juwon can't help but feel his stomach sinking like a stone. It must somehow show on his face as Dongsik’s smile wanes and he ushers Minjeong back to his mother. She bows as she drops a small, apologetic "My bad." and then tiptoes off to Yuyeon.
Et qu'éternellement
Il y aura dans nos yeux
Tout le ciel bleu
"I'll show you your room."
Juwon nods stiffly, falling in step behind Dongsik. He mostly knows the kitchen, the bathroom and the living room area but he's not familiar with the rest of the house. They walk down a couple of passageways, turning right, and then left to the other end of the house. There Dongsik stops in front of a door that he opens for Juwon, entering after him.
"Make yourself at home." he says, softly.
Juwon nods again, lips in a thin line, suddenly feeling the need to avoid looking at Dongsik, like his simple presence is unbearable. But Dongsik doesn't leave yet, hovering next to the chest of drawers near the door, faking interest in adjusting whatever frame in the right position.
Over his shoulder, Juwon sees Dongsik turn toward him "She was just joking, don't mind it too much."
Juwon hums noncommittally in answer, placing his bag on the bed and starting to place his clothes in small, neat piles on the covers. All he wants right now is for Dongsik to leave, even just for a moment, so that Juwon can compose himself again, can steel his heart again. Because it's hard, after all, to be there and pretend the divorce never happened. To pretend he was fine to joke around them not being together anymore when they made lifelong promises and sworn oaths to stay by each other’s side on an eternal basis. That God forsaken until-death-do-us-part bullshit thing. A bitter smile downturns the corner of Juwon's mouth.
"I'll be- I'll be leaving you to it." Dongsik finally announces. He's gesturing broadly to the still open door.
"Mh." Juwon feels like he might resemble those little dogs people put on their dashboards by nodding so much. He hesitates and then takes a step forward as Dongsik is already back to him "Thanks."
Dongsik spins on his heels, his stupidly charming grin back in place and a needle pierces Juwon's heart. Imperceptibly. Digs into it a million times. And this mix of familiarity and awkwardness is going to be the death of him.
The discomfort dissipates if only a little from Dongsik’s features, his smile shifting into something sentimental and velvety in its warmth.
"No need to thank me."
The confidence with which Dongsik carries himself, even in this instant, grounds Juwon, makes him feel like things can be okay between them. It soothes the ache of his heart. Dongsik’s smile stretches briefly as a cue to signal Juwon he’s taking his leave, stepping back in direction of the door. That’s when Juwon realises Dongsik is still holding onto half of his belongings.
He calls out gingerly, voice timid “Hyung.”
Juwon bites the inside of his cheeks, the pet name he used affectionately for Dongsik ready to fall off the tip of his tongue. Yet, it seems it has a similar effect on Dongsik who almost beams at him, and it’s infectious and Juwon can’t help the smile tugging at the corner of his lips. Dongsik is like that, bright and genuine, casting light upon everyone and everything he touched.
I’m glad I didn’t damage him too much , Juwon sighs inwardly.
“Do you need anything else?”
“My bag.” Juwon chuckles, extending his left hand. “You were leaving with it.”
“Oh, sorry!”
Juwon reaches out with his extended hand, fingers inadvertently brushing against Dongsik’s and thanking him once more. Just as Juwon’s hand retreats, Juwon catches Dongsik following it, his face getting darker for a moment before slipping the smiling mask back on.
“See you later.”
There’s a tightness to his voice, Juwon hears it clear as daylight. But in the next second he’s gone, the door closing behind him. Juwon, perplexed, walks to the door, hesitant in calling him back under the pretext of needing help with something - anything really could do fine - as he examines his hand. Looks for a hint as to what could’ve hurt Dongsik. A frown descends between his brows, still scrutinizing his hand, turning it palm up as he leans back against the wood panel of the door. It hits Juwon while he turns his hand around again, palm down this time: adorning his finger despite the year that went by is his ring, the very symbol of their broken, empty promise. Juwon let his head fall back rather roughly against the wood, disgrace settling in his guts. He had forgotten to take it off and Dongsik saw it. As if mocking him, Minjeong’s song seeps faintly through the walls.
Car le temps de l’amour
C’est long et c’est court
Ca dure toujours
On s’en souvient
On s’en souvient
On s’en souvient
On s’en souvient
On s’en souvient
Juwon bangs his head against the door a little harder. What an idiot. A splendid idiot. If he had doubts about hurting Dongsik too much mere moments ago, Juwon is now convinced he irremediably wounded him.
“I am an absolute idiot.” Juwon snickers, bitter. “Imbecile.”