Chapter Text
Kaneki’s entire body felt stiff as he stared at his hands in preparation of his confession. The thought of losing his dearest person made his stomach turn and bile rise, but he couldn’t take it anymore. He missed his friend more than anything. The times that the two spent together used to feel leisurely, but now there was always a voice in the back of his head reminding that Hide had to stay away. Touka only fueled the feeling when she said that Hide would die if he were to ever find out. Well, it’s not like Touka knew what he did in his private time so she wouldn’t know what he was about to do.
The warm sunlight filtered through the cafe’s window creating a pleasant environment. The place itself was barely crowded due to the time of day. Kaneki had specifically chosen to sit in the back corner around this time for as much privacy possible.
The waitress came by to give them their drinks. Kaneki glanced up at Hide as he dragged his coffee close. Before the two had sat down the conversation flowed naturally, but now he felt like he was struggling to pick words. “I…”
Hide perked up when Kaneki finally spoke. He gave the other a moment before deciding to push along the conversation. “So… How’ve you been? Been a while since we’ve actually spent some time together like this.” He gave Kaneki a pout, “Its been so lonely you can’t even imagine. ”
Kaneki managed to give him a weak smile before looking down at his drink. Hide’s words had more than enough truth, but the encompassing fear always followed Kaneki around. Was it so bad for him to want Hide to know? The possibility of a human accepting a ghoul has already been presented to him. So maybe... A silent whisper warned him that his friend would leave him forever. All alone; it was his fate. It is what he would get for being selfish.
The sound of paper tearing snapped Kaneki out of his thoughts.
“A bit bitter,” Hide mused as he poured the packet, “Not as bitter as yours though. You’re not trying to be too macho in front of me by drinking it black are you?”
“That’s…” A pause. “I… That is…” His hand started to shake and he clenched it into a fist in attempt to calm himself down. “It’s pretty good to me.”
Hide took another drink of his cappuccino, finding it to be just right. The cup clinked as it came into contact with the plate. “What is it Kaneki? You know you can tell me anything.”
That’s right, Hide is his best friend. He shouldn’t be so scared of confessing the truth. He’d hate him though. Think of him as a monster. Kaneki’s shoulders started to lightly shake. His conscience continued berating him as a tightness began to envelope his chest. He fidgeted with his shirt in a vain attempt to alleviate the pressure.
But Hide was always there for him. From the time when he was a lonesome kid reading books to the time when he was hospitalized. When his mother died and he thought there was no point in living his best friend was there. Hide had always been there to distract him from the pain, to make another day worth seeing. Hide was…!
A searing pain erupted on his hands, immediately snapping out of his thoughts. Cold sweat trickled down his brow as he glanced at the broken cup in his hands. Robotically, he let go and watched it crumble. He couldn’t help but think of himself.
A napkin was pressed onto his hands and dabbed down in order to absorb the moisture. Kaneki looked up as Hide concentrated on his hands. “Kaneki… if it’s something that’s eating you up this much… it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. Just let me help you in anyway I can.”
Tears welled up in Kaneki’s eyes. That’s right.... Hide is his most precious friend.
“Hide…” He choked as he tried speaking, “It’s not that simple.”
His friend gave him a soft smile. “Whatever it is, I’m always going to be there. If you run away, I’ll find you no matter what it takes.”
Even with the thin cloth in between their hands, Kaneki could feel the warmth radiating from his hands. The comforting presence helped him calm down but it didn’t stop the tears from slipping down his cheeks. His head drooped down as he decided. This was it; the moment when he ruined his already fucked up life even more.
“I’m a g-ghoul,” his voice hushed immediately at the dreaded word, “ever since I was hospitalized.”
The silence that immediately followed made Kaneki feel bare, like his entire soul was exposed for the world to pick apart. A tightness in the back of his throat came full force as he bit his bottom lip. The vision of their still joined hands became blurrier by the passing second as more warm tears dripped down his cheeks. His hands started to shake once more and he tried to retract them.
What he didn’t expect was for Hide to firmly hold on. Why wasn’t Hide pulling away and calling him a monster? He clenched his eyes as he let out a strangled sob. It was over. There was no way he could be accepted.
Hide’s voice was quiet when he finally spoke. “I’m glad…”
As soon as those words were declared his heart fluttered. Kaneki snapped his head up at Hide, stomach twisting into knots yet his chest felt light. His friend was.... smiling? Where was the frown and judging stare that should’ve been there. He should have been feeling the exact opposite of hope.
“I’m glad that you finally told me.”
Huh?
“That is, I’ve known for a while. Ever since that incident with Nishio…” He gave a small squeeze before lifting the napkin. Kaneki wanted nothing more than to have that warm contact back. “It would also explain why you didn’t cut your hands on the cup.”
“Y-You knew? For that long… and you still…” Kaneki clenched his teeth as he fiercely rubbed his eyes.
Hide chuckled lightly, “I wanted you to be okay with yourself before telling me. I didn’t want to make you feel like you were cornered into admitting something you weren’t ready for.”
Kaneki continued to rub his eyes and kept his face hidden from Hide when the waitress came by. He let his friend take care of the situation. It was still so hard to believe that everything would be so simple. Who was to say that this wasn’t all a joke? Kaneki felt elated, but dread was still creeping around the corners. What if he did or said something that would drive Hide away. Maybe if he saw how much of a ghoul he really was the other would reconsider his words.
“You still could’ve hung out with me you know!” Hide crossed his arms as he playfully chided him.
For the final time Kaneki rubbed his eyes and sniffed slightly. Maybe everything was going to be okay. A new cup filled to the brim with black coffee sat in front of him. A small, relieved smile touched his lips. Maybe he didn’t have to be as broken as the previous cup. With the way Hide quickly accepted his words, perhaps he was the one torturing his own conscious. Hide was his friend who would never judge. A friend that would always be there for him.
“Sorry, I thought that spending too much time with you would…” Kaneki gently grabbed the handle, “that you would…” The last few words were left unsaid as he took a gulp. The warm liquid soothed the ache in his throat as it slid down. A refreshed feeling overtook his body as he looked at Hide. A fuzzy kind of warmth that he had never experienced before began to bubble up in his chest. Words flowed out of his mouth before he had time to process any of them, “Hide, you are irreplaceable.”
Hide blinked in confusion at the sudden confession before sheepishly looking away while Kaneki, shocked at his own words, looked down at his cup in bewilderment. A slight blush crept up both of their cheeks. “It’s good to know that you feel that way. For a while I thought you were done being my friend.”
Kaneki earnestly shook his head at the words. That was the last thing he had wanted the other to believe. A light laugh escaped his lips, “Hearing you say that gives me a vile taste. I’m sorry though. For the way I’ve been acting.” He paused, his shoulders drooped and eyes casted downward. “For everything.”
Sparkles shined in Hide’s eyes as he clasped Kaneki’s shoulders, effectively startling him. “Then to make it up, you’ll have to spend an entire day with me! No excuses this time!”
Kaneki, in turn, gave him a credulous stare. That was way too simple of a request for all the times he had blown Hide off. He sighed and gave him a soft smile. “Alright. Tell me the day so I can request some time off.”
Hide brought his hand up to his cheek in thought. “Well, I am quite busy during most of this week. I’ll have to see what my schedule will be like for the next one. I’ll make sure to clear a specific day.”
“Sounds good, let me know when.” Kaneki took another drink of his coffee, finding it tasting much better than he initially thought. Meanwhile, Hide boisterously celebrated the fact that the two will be spending time together again. The waitress gave Hide a wary glance from his sudden rowdiness.
“… the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being,” he internally reflected, the words by Jung perfectly illustrated his most beloved person, Hideyoshi Nagachika.