Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Power from pain and tragedy,” the Nogitsune stated as it tightened his grip on Derek’s jacket, pinning him against the wall. “You’re like a god damn feast to me, Derek. All that pain and anger. That guilt,” it leaned in against Derek, drawing his memories to the surface.

Derek refused to wince. He refused to let the Nogitsune have any satisfaction in knowing it was stronger. He refused to give up on Stiles. He knew Scott said that no one should confront the Nogitsune alone, but when he got a text from Stiles’ phone, he gave up went to confront the abomination. Part of Derek didn’t care if he died, as long as it meant he was able to give Stiles back to his father. Back to the pack. If it’s the last thing I do, he motivated himself as he stared down at the Nogitsune. It held him perfectly against the wall, examining him.

“You know why Stiles was the perfect fit? Because nobody gave him a second look. Everyone was convinced that Stiles couldn’t be possessed. Wouldn’t be. You said it yourself, why would I go after someone like Stiles.”

“Then let him go,” Derek finally replied. “Let him go and take someone else.”

The Nogitsune drew its head back in surprise, squinting its eyes to examine Derek for a sign of trickery. “You’re serious,” it stated. “You want me to take someone else. To let Stiles go,” it waited for Derek to correct it.

But Derek couldn’t. It was the truth. He didn’t care if the Nogitsune took him or someone else, just not Stiles. Give him back.

“You see, everyone always says about protecting Stiles,” the Nogitsune straightened its body, placing its hand over Derek’s heart. “But you,” it wagged its finger at Derek. “You always jump head first to save him. Let me tell you, if he was here, he’d be overjoyed. Really, he would be,” it pushed harder on Derek’s chest, pushing his chest to the point it felt as if it would collapse.

“Give. Him. Back.” Derek growled every word, letting his wolf go.

“Why?” The Nogitsune smiled as it questioned him. “Why let him go when I’m having so much fun?” Realization crossed the Nofitsune’s face. It laughed, throwing its head back. “I was right. But this is too good. I thought it was just him, but it’s you too, isn’t it? Kicking and screaming on the inside in confusion, because he can’t understand why he feel this way. And you know he’s felt this way for a while, didn’t you? Well, the attraction can be explained away, because who wouldn’t want to have sex with you.”

Derek snarled, wanting to rip the Nogitsune’s throat out. It wasn’t Stiles, but it still wore his face, spoke with his voice, looked at Derek with those eyes. Those eyes that were void of everything Stiles was. Derek had spent enough time staring into those eyes, conveying words he could never admit, even to himself, to know when it wasn’t Stiles.

“You would trade every tomorrow you had if it meant you had one last yesterday, wouldn’t you?” The Nogitsune leaned in, looking Derek up and down. It slowly brought its hand off of Derek, releasing him from its hold. “One last yesterday with Paige, your family, your Betas … with Stiles.”

Derek felt like cringing at the way the Nogitsune said Stiles’ name. It was full of spite, every syllable dripping with malice.

“You’ve told Stiles more than you’ve ever told anyone, which isn’t saying much considering you’re like talking to a brick wall,” the Nogitsune replied as it leaned against the wall, resting its hand next to Derek’s head. It was exposing its throat on purpose, daring Derek to make a swipe at it.

“Seriously, dealing with his feelings for you is worse than him battling against me,” the Nogitsune continued. “He hates you. He wants to comfort you. He wants to kiss you.” It moved its head from side to side, as if it was listing the various banes of its existence.

Derek’s features softened at the mention of kissing. He silently cursed himself for letting his features betray him, knowing the Nogitsune saw his reaction when its lips curled into a smile.

“I’ve been bouncing around up here for some time,” the Nogitsune gestured to its temple as it spoke. “I’ve seen how he feels. Hell, I’ve felt it,” it leaned forward, invading Derek’s personal space once more. “How he still feels guilty about his mom. How he wishes he could help Scott more. Wishing that no one else got hurt. But then there is you. He doesn’t even know how he feels when it comes to you.” It was closer than Derek ever wanted it to be, making him feel claustrophobic from the close proximity.

Derek remained still, trying not to flinch as it leaned its head in, lips hovering over his. If he moved, he risked the possibility of accidentally brushing lips with it, and that was the last thing he wanted. He’d sooner kiss Argent than the Nogitsune, even if it was an accident. Even if it looked like Stiles.

“But he knows he wants you,” the Nogitsune stated. “He’s been able to figure that out. But what about you? Hm?” It maintained its closeness as it scanned Derek’s face. “How bad do you want Stiles? Bad enough to let me take a joyride in your body?” It arched its eyebrows in question. “Would you let me in if I let him go?”

Derek hesitated, knowing what the Nogitsune was asking could be the solution to saving Stiles. He tried to reason with himself, but he knew he made up his mind the minute the Nogitsune made its offer. He wanted to save Stiles, to keep him safe. To finally confess to him what he always wanted to. The three words Derek made taboo since he started losing everyone he’s ever loved. He refused to fall that hard again, to let himself run the risk of heartache, but Stiles somehow managed to wiggle his way in. Stiles had unknowingly crawled into Derek’s chest and wrapped himself around his heart, not letting go. He knew if he accepted, Stiles would never know how he felt, but he’d be free, and that was a price Derek could pay.

“Yes,” Derek’s voice was heavy, filled with the weight of knowing what he was doing was foolish. He stared at the Nogitsune, daring it to challenge his claim.

“You want him back that badly?” The Nogitsune questioned, not understanding why someone would trade their life for another.

“You’ll never understand human emotion,” Derek retorted. “No matter how many people you possess, no matter how long, you’ll never understand it.”

“Enlighten me then,” the Nogitsune growled as it bit out a response.

“Stiles has you beaten because he still feels,” Derek replied. “It’s evidence enough that he’s still alive.”

“Oh, he’s alive. Kicking and screaming, in fact,” the Nogitsune smiled when Derek growled at it.

“I swear to God, if you don’t let him go—”

“You’ll what? Pine for him?” the Nogitsune questioned. “Please do. It’s a constant source of amusement for me. Watching you struggle with what to do. Do you fight me with your full force, and risk hurting Stiles,” it leaned its head back to expose its throat once more. “Or do you just stand there and fight your wolf’s desire to protect him?” It smiled when Derek’s eyes flared with a fiercer intensity.

“I will find a way to separate you from him. And when I do—”

“You’ll rip my throat out with your teeth,” the Nogitsune smiled. “I look forward to it, Derek. I look forward to the face you’ll make when you’re holding his lifeless corpse in your hands. When you realize you couldn’t protect him, just like you couldn’t protect anyone else. I look forward to you giving me every last drop of your pain, because you can’t stand it anymore.” It reached up, gripping Derek’s head in its hands, forcing him to look at it. “I can’t wait for the heartbreak. To hear your agonized scream. You were always end game, Derek. It was always you. I just didn’t know how to get to you until I saw the way you looked at him. It only makes it that much sweeter knowing he feels the same way.”

Derek finally snapped, shoving the Nogitsune away from him, causing it to fall over itself, stumbling to remain upright as it laughed at him. He released a built up roar, his claws descending.

“Oh, he likes you Derek. He likes you a lot,” the Nogitsune continued. “And this just makes it so much better, you have no idea.” It looked at Derek, its eyes laughing at him, taunting him to attack.

“Derek!” Scott yelled as he came running into the room. Derek instantly regretted informing Scott that he was confronting the Nogitsune. He wanted nothing more than to rip the Nogitsune limb from limb, because there was no way that thing had anything to do with Stiles.

The Nogitsune looked at Scott. “Perfect timing.” It turned to look at Derek once more. “A promise is a promise Derek. I’ll be seeing you soon,” and with a smile, it took its chance to flee before Derek actually made the lunge to kill it.

“Derek, stop!” Scott yelled, grabbing Derek’s arm. “We’ll get him,” he stated. “We’ll get him back.” Derek realized that he was talking about Stiles.

“We have to kill that thing first,” Derek replied, relaxing some.

“We’ll find a way. We’ll get Stiles back,” Scott repeated.

Derek wasn’t sure if Scott had heard what the Nogitsune was saying before he interrupted, but he wanted to keep Scott in the dark. He wanted to keep himself in the dark. But the Nogitsune was right. There was one person he let in and he wished he hadn’t. And if this ended like everything else had, Stiles was going to be dead before the end of it, and it would be Derek’s fault.

“I don’t care,” Derek grunted out before ripping his arm away from Scott. He hurried away from Scott, ignoring him as he called his name.

It wasn’t Scott he wanted to fool. It was his own stupid emotions. He wanted to feel nothing but annoyance and hate for Stiles, like he had when they first met, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t forget his annoyingly warm smile; his stupid nicknames; the way his arms flew around as he talked; the way his eyes pulled Derek in and told him all he had to know. He couldn’t forget Stiles. Not the vessel the Nogitsune paraded around in, but Stiles.

His Stiles.

If it won’t let him go, I’ll take him back.

Derek knew the answer to the Nogitsune's question, 'You would trade every tomorrow you had if it meant you had one last yesterday, wouldn’t you?'

For Stiles.

Chapter Text

Derek wasn’t certain if he wanted be standing in the loft with Stiles. He hadn’t spoken to him alone since before the Nogitsune. Since before he had to admit to himself his feelings.

“I … I missed you,” Stiles finally stated as he aimlessly walked around the loft. “I got to see everyone else so often before … before the other guy took over. And then I didn’t get to see you afterwards,” he explained, wrapping his arms around his torso.

“Yeah,” Derek rubbed the back of his neck, uncertain what Stiles was here for. Well, Derek would never admit it, but he was panicking that Stiles knew everything the Nogitsune knew, and that he was here to have the talk. He wasn’t sure how to approach the subject of ‘Yes, I have a crush on you even though you aren’t interested in men.’

“I actually came by because I … I’m having issues sleeping. Well, issues with knowing this is real.” Stiles paused, looking down at the ground as he chose his next words carefully. “For the longest time, I’ve felt like I’ve been drowning, you know?” He started to confess. “I’ve felt like if I just hang on for a few more seconds—and it doesn’t matter how terrifying it is to drown—for those few seconds longer, I may be drowning, but I also have a chance of fighting my way back to the surface. I might even have the chance of being rescued. And the Nogitsune gave me that strength to fight to the surface. And I liked it,” Stiles’ voice wavered as he spoke, taking in a few breaths before his body shook in response. He turned his body from Derek, leaning against one of the beam. Why did I have to come to Derek, of all people to have a breakdown in front of?

“You’re not weak for feeling that way, Stiles,” Derek finally stated. “When something is taken away from you …” he paused momentarily as he thought of everyone he’s lost over the years. “I know what it is like to feel useless to people you care about.” How I felt useless to you.

Stiles turned his head in Derek’s direction, acknowledging his confession. Derek Hale is emotionally opening up. End of the God damned world, ladies and gentlemen.

“And when you finally get the strength to defend yourself and others, that’s when you realize it comes with a price. Sometimes that price is too much, and all you have left is your strength.” Derek’s voice was kinder than Stiles expected it to be. He sounds … friendly, Stiles thought.

“They look at me differently now,” Stiles admitted. “And I know they’re never going to be able to forget what … what I did. Of who died because of me,” he thought of Allison and Aiden as he spoke.

“It’s not you they blame,” Derek replied. “They blame themselves for not being able to save you from the Nogitsune before everything happened.”

“They?” Stiles asked as he turned to look at Derek. “You don’t feel bad?”

“I tried to rip your throat out, remember?” Derek replied as he shifted his weight.

“I’m the smart one, remember?” Stiles replied with a faint smile. “I know you, Derek, and you wouldn’t have done it.”

“It felt like I would,” Derek replied, remembering how much he wanted to rip the Nogitsune apart, limb from limb. The only thing stopping him was the possibility of harming Stiles.

“Even Argent didn’t pull the trigger. And he hates everyone,” Stiles stated as he leaned against the beam the Nogitsune had thrown Derek against.

“Is this why you came here?” Derek asked as he felt Stiles’ pulse slow down.

“I’m freaking out. And I thought about what you said about anchors,” Stiles started to explain. “About how an anchor keeps you based in reality. And when the Nogitsune …” He gently hit his hand back against the beam. “I just feel like sometimes I’m still dreaming, you know? That I’m still stuck in the Nogitsune’s maze, and I just don’t know it.”

“How do you tell if you’re normally in a dream?” Derek asked.

“Fingers. You have extra fingers in dreams,” Stiles stated. He looked up at Derek, noticing that he was holding his hand up.

Derek wiggled his fingers at Stiles to show that he had the normal set of five fingers. “You’re awake,” he reassuringly replied.

Stiles laughed slightly. “Yeah, I guess I just thought the Nogitsune would be able to replicate human anatomy unlike dreams.”

“But you thought the Nogitsune couldn’t replicate me,” Derek finished Stiles’ explanation for him.

Stiles nodded quickly, avoiding eye contact. “I guess even through the night terrors, and the terrors of reality … you’re my anchor because you’re always … you,” he explained as he looked up at Derek.

“Do you want me to punch you?” Derek asked. He smiled when Stiles laughed.

“I think I can do without the punching, thanks.” Stiles placed his hands in his pockets, stopping them from obvious fidgeting. He sighed deeply before looking up at Derek, forcing a small smile. “Thank you. Makes me feel better knowing that you are you, which means I am me. Which means the Nogitsune …”

“Is gone,” Derek finished Stiles’ sentence to cement the Nogistune’s demise.

Stiles nodded once more. “Okay, well, I should get going before my dad freaks out and starts a search party.”

Derek watched Stiles slowly turn and trudge his way towards the door. Something screamed inside him to stop Stiles from leaving. “Stiles,” he called after him.

Stiles had his hand on the door when Derek called his name. He turned and looked at him, uncertain why his heart skipped a beat, excitement welling up inside him.

“If you need to talk, or … need to see that I’m real,” Derek started before pausing to think of his next words. “I’ll be here.” And just like that, Derek made the one promise he didn’t want to. He promised to be there for someone, to be a pillar for someone to lean on. To be Stiles' anchor.

“You’re not going to run away?” Stiles questioned, no longer planning on leaving.

“What?” Derek scrunched his eyebrows together, uncertain of Stiles’ question.

“You’re not going to run from the pack? From everything that happened?” Stiles wanted to know what Derek meant. He wanted Derek to admit that he liked having him around. He wanted Derek to say he mattered. To say that he mattered enough to keep him around.

“I’ll try not to,” Derek almost mumbled. It only made Stiles more agitated.

“Try?” Stiles asked in disbelief. He won’t even admit that he doesn’t want to face any more pain. Would you? He shook his head as he ignored his inner voice warning him to leave Derek alone. Walk out and never admit how you feel. Be the coward.

“Derek, I’m tired of running. And I think you are too,” Stiles started.

“Maybe it’s what I’m good at,” Derek replied. Something inside Stiles snapped at that comment.

“You keep running away and looking for something else, but can't you see that you have everything here?” Stiles asked in earnest. Can’t you see that you have me? "I know losing Paige and your family—and Boyd and Erica—hurt," he paused when Derek glared at him, a warning that he was treading on thin ice. He forced himself to continue, “You want to punish yourself for the rest of your life, but it wasn't your fault. And we're your pack, Derek. We're your family, now. And every time you walk away from us, it makes us both weaker.”

Stiles felt his face redden when he realized he just yelled at Derek. But Derek only turned his back to Stiles, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. The tension in his back was evident as his Henley stretched snugly across his shoulder blades.

Stiles now suddenly knew why he had questioned his sexuality all those times. His father, Scott, even Danny, laughing off his questioning as a result of mere insecurities. ‘Am I attractive to gay guys?’ He remembered nearly begging Scott in the hallway. I should have asked if I was attractive to Derek Hale, he thought. His entire life suddenly made sense as all the pieces fell together into a perfect picture. He was so preoccupied with living his life the way he thought a young American teen should, that he never stopped to think about who he was.

Stiles looked down at his feet, uncertain if he should move or maintain his ground. There was no telling how angry Derek really was with him. He hasn’t growl, barked, or snapped at me, he rationalized as he started taking a few steps toward Derek. Besides, it’s Derek. He’d slam me against the wall while I awkwardly steal quick glances at his lips. His thought stopped his movement. Steal quick glances at his lips. Dude, I do that all the time! He winced as he realized the signs were all there the entire time, but he just didn’t want to admit it.

Stiles was in touching distance of Derek’s back, and that was all he needed. He just needed to touch Derek once to see if that spark was still there. He wanted to know he wasn’t over thinking past interactions. He placed his hand lightly between Derek’s shoulder blades, knowing he was touching his tattoo through the cotton fabric. He waited with his eyes shut, head hung low as he anticipated something catastrophic happening. He felt a well of emotion boil up when Derek’s body relaxed under his hand. Derek’s muscles lost their tension as he pushed his back into Stiles’ hand, sighing a deep breath.

Stiles closed his hand tightly against Derek’s back, the material of his shirt straining against his fingers. He knew Derek could swat him off with a flick of his wrist. He could, but he wouldn't. Stiles felt his chest tighten when he realized that this was their relationship. This is what it means to care about Derek Hale and have him care back. I can touch him like this and live to tell the tale.

Derek could still act like an aggressive former-alpha, but he chose to act as a beta around those he cared about, following your every move, demonstrating that he had your back, no matter what. Stiles knew it was the reason why he trusted Derek with his life. Because he knew that no matter how much Derek threatened him or used to push him around, he would never place him in jeopardy.

“I just know … I know I don't want you to leave again,” Stiles almost mumbled into Derek's back. “I'll lose my mind, you know?”

Derek could feel Stiles’ pulse climbing quickly under his skin, like the force of a butterfly beating its wings against his skin to escape. “I’m important, even if I’m a ‘sour wolf,’ huh?” He observed, smiling to himself when he felt Stiles laugh into his back.

“Sometimes things turn out different from how we planned. And sometimes two people are more than they thought. Better together than they thought,” Stiles rambled and he almost wished Derek would just slam him into the wall to shut him up. “Derek, I …” He squeezed his eyes tightly shut as he struggled to find the right words. Once he said them out loud, there wasn’t going to be a way to take them back. Not unless I beat the memory out of Derek’s head.

“I know, Stiles,” Derek finally stated. “Me too,” he added in a tone Stiles rarely heard from him. It was a softer tone. One that he used when talking to Cora. Or when my dad was missing, Stiles noted, uncomfortable with the panic rising in his chest at the memory.

Stiles pressed his upper body into Derek’s back, a desperate attempt to disappear into him. He didn’t want Derek to leave. No matter how many times he begged Scott to keep Derek at a distance, there was something that pulled them into each other’s orbit. He waited a few seconds, a small guarantee that Derek wasn’t going to shove him away, before slowly wrapping his arms around his waist. Stiles pushed his face into the curve of Derek’s back, tightening his grip on him as he flattened his palms against Derek’s abdomen.

Stiles breathed in deeply, trying to memorize the smell that he had come accustom to dreaming about. Leather and pine. Derek, he thought to himself. He smiled as he thought of all the time they spent together over the past year, before the Nogitsune, all distant but fond memories. Joy crashed through him in waves when Derek’s hands cover his, an intimate recognition that Derek knew and accepted how Stiles felt. He’s accepted and is reciprocating, he thought as Derek released a sigh of contentment.

The moment was everything Stiles could hope it would be. To be holding Derek Hale in his arms without worry seemed like a dream too good to be true.

Time seemed to be erelevant, nothing mattered but them. The past was forgotten, and it was just them. And for the first time, Derek hoped that this was real. That he didn’t have to sacrifice anything to have the happy ending. To have Stiles.

“I think … I think I love you,” Stiles admitted into Derek’s back, clenching his eyes tight.

“I know,” Derek confessed. “I think I’ve always known.” He gently entwined his fingers with Stiles’, calming his hands in an attempt to stop his trembling. “And I know I love you.” He smiled when he heard the huff of relief come from Stiles as he tightened his grip on him.

“I thought the Nogitsune was lying,” Stiles admitted.

“What?” Derek asked, somewhat confused by Stiles’ admission.

“The Nogitsune told me he talked to you,” Stiles explained. “Tormented me by saying that you cared. That you … that you loved me and he was going to use me to end you.” He pressed his face into the curve of Derek’s shoulder blades, not wanting to think of a life without him. It could have easily been Derek instead of Aiden.

“He told me he was going to kill you,” Derek finally confessed. “Told me he was going to revel in killing the last thing I care about. That I’d willingly give in to him because I would want it to end.”

“I’m sorry, Derek,” Stiles kept his eyes shut, trying to stop his tears. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stop him. I’m not strong enough to—” he was taken by surprise when Derek pulled his arms off of him, turning to face him. For a second, Stiles was worried that Derek was mad at him. He was afraid he was going to blame him for making him weak. He wasn’t thinking that Derek was going to embrace him, taking him off guard. He wrapped his arms around Derek, pushing his face into the his shoulder, curling his fingers around the back of his shirt.

“Don’t. Don’t ever apologize for what it did,” Derek stated, holding Stiles tightly. “It wasn’t your fault. None of it was your fault.”

Even after hearing those words from the others, Stiles still didn’t believe them. He continued to blame himself for everything that happened. But it was Derek speaking those words now and that changed everything. He felt his chest tremble as a suppressed sob cracked through his throat, opening his lungs to vocalize his pain for the first time.

“It’s okay,” Derek gently spoke, something Stiles never thought he’d hear. He tried to coax Stiles through his tears, rubbing his hands along his back, his hands physically easing the waves of shock going through Stiles’ body.

Derek waited for Stiles’ whimpers to die down completely before he decided to speak. “The thing is,” he started. “I would have given in, Stiles.” He gently pulled back from him, lifting his face to look at him.

Stiles sniffed loudly, trying to prevent his nose from running. He wiped at his eyes, knowing that no matter how much he tried, his eyes were going to be red and puffy, just like his nose. He wasn’t the picture of attractive, and it bothered him that Derek saw him this way. His hands settled on Derek’s waist, gripping his shirt tightly in an attempt to remain attached to him. He felt relieved when Derek’s thumb caressed his cheek, giving him enough courage to look up at him.

“I’d give in,” Derek repeated. “For you, I’d give in.”

Stiles swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling at ease with Derek. He looked down, pondering if he should or shouldn’t lean in to kiss him. It would be their first—hopefully not last—kiss and he didn’t want to mess it up.

Luckily, Derek leaned down, hesitating when his lips hovered over Stiles’, waiting for him to move in reciprocation. Stiles didn’t hesitate as he pushed in, placing his lips on Derek’s. It's perfect. Derek pulled back when he heard Stiles’ phone buzz in his pocket, causing Stiles to groan in response.

“You should answer it,” Derek stated.

“I’ll just ignore it,” Stiles replied, moving in to kiss Derek again.

“It could be your dad,” Derek stated against his lips.

Stiles groaned again, muttering that Derek was right. He answered his phone in annoyance, causing his father—because Derek has freaky intuition—to demand what was wrong.

“I’m at Derek’s,” Stiles admitted, moving around in little circles. “No, it’s just us,” he answered. “... What?” He stopped walking, turning his body to face Derek. “Who are you and what have you done with my father? No, no. I know you trust me and are worried about me. Yeah, I know. Okay … Love you, dad. Night.”

Stiles stared at his phone in disbelief before pushing it back into his pocket. “My dad … just told me to spend the night,” he stated in disbelief. “He’s worried I’ll have another night terror. That maybe spending time with you will … correct it,” he let out a gentle, nervous laugh as he rubbed the back of his head.

“Sure,” Derek replied. He was a little surprised at himself for replying so quickly. “If you want to,” he added, trying to make it the opposite of awkward.

Stiles placed his hands in his pockets, moving to stand once again in front of Derek. “If we can cuddle,” he smiled when Derek released a small chuckle.

“Alright,” Derek stated, placing a chaste kiss on Stiles’ forehead before pushing him towards the bedroom.

“Easy,” Stiles replied, walking backwards as he looked at Derek. “Manhandling may be on my list of turn ons.”

Derek rolled his eyes at Stiles, moving to follow him. He felt a small wave of relief wash over him, knowing that—if only for tonight—Stiles was going to be safely tucked away in his arms. He didn’t have to worry about losing him. He got him back.

I don’t need my yesterdays. I just need his tomorrows.