Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Yibo! There’s a package outside your door with your name on it!”

The sound of his bodyguard and close friend, Lele, calling him resonated inside his apartment.

“Can you bring it here, ge?” Yibo asked the older, still busy with choosing what to wear.

Lele didn’t have to reply nor ask more questions about it. He simply did what he was told and went out to bring in the box.

At the same time, Yibo stood in front of the mirror as he took in his reflection. He didn’t remember the last time he had worn an outfit with short sleeves outside, always choosing to use a long-sleeved one whenever he went out. The only times he’d use a shirt would be when he was alone inside the comfort of his home.

As he stood there, he couldn’t help but roll one of the sleeves to an elbow-length and observe the scars that aligned themselves on his forearm. Scars of big and small, light and dark, fresh and old were visible. 

One, two, three - Yibo tried to count. No matter how many times he would count, however, it would all be the same. The number of scars on his body was more than the number of fingers he had on his hands.

When he attempted to touch one - the one he knew was formed just two days ago, it burned his skin. Yibo could only hiss in pain, not wanting to attract his neighbors at his sudden scream.

“Yibo,” so Yibo may have forgotten that there was another person in the room.

“Yibo!” Lele called out once again as he dropped the box on the foot of the bed and approached him when he noticed the indifferent look on the younger’s face. “Don’t tell me-”

“It’s fine, ge,” he replied as he rolled down his sleeve. “The pain would go away in a few days.”

“Yibo,” Lele said, this time in a softer voice. “You have reassured me every time I come here that the scars on your body would fade away, yet every time I come here, the neighbor next door would tell me that you have been crying all night from the pain.”

Yibo frowned as he stood away from the mirror, “They didn’t have to mind me.”

“They didn’t have to, but they did.”

The younger sighed, not sure if he should react to the sudden revelation of his neighbor knowing about his pain at night or not.

Yibo was about to switch the topic and tell Lele that they should get going soon when he remembered the package that arrived a moment ago. Wanting to see what it contained, he approached the box and squatted on the floor to observe it.

The moment he saw the sticker on the box - the one that contained all the information, from where it was being shipped from the place it was being shipped to - Yibo knew immediately its content.

Reaching out to his bedside table, he opened a drawer where he kept all of his cutting supplies and pulled out a cutter. Pushing the dagger out until it was good enough to be used, Yibo moved the object until it met the center of the packaging tape and started to cut down a line.

Once all of the tapes have been cut through, he placed down the cutter and opened the cover.

There it was, in all of its glory, Yibo’s new set of sweaters delivered from his favorite clothing line. As he indulged in the new set of clothes, pulling each of them outside the box, Lele could only form questions inside his head.

“Yibo,” he called out to the man who was arranging the clothes on the bed.

Yibo hummed in response.

“You know that you can’t keep wearing long-sleeved tops whenever you go out, right? You couldn’t keep hiding your scars forever. Sooner or later, your fans would find out. He would find out.”

There was pleading present in Lele’s voice, and it pained Yibo. The older was the only person besides his parents who knew about his condition, and it was always the older who would have to find an excuse as to why he couldn’t wear any short-sleeved top whenever he would shoot for something, whether for an advertisement or a drama.

It was like he had also placed a certain amount of the burden he was carrying on his friend, and it, in all honesty, hurt him.

“Ge,” Yibo said as he turned to meet the older’s eyes. “As much as I want to stop wearing this, you know I can’t. I have so many scars on my body that make-up can’t be used to hide it anymore. It would have been nice if everyone had this condition, but only one out of a hundred who have this disease go through this case.”

Lele sighed as he placed a hand on Yibo’s shoulder, “You know I care for you, right? I didn’t mean to offend or to stress you earlier with my question, but anything is bound to happen.”

“I know that, and I don’t blame you for what you just said,” Yibo paused then sighed. “You’re right ge, anything can happen. But being careful about it can lessen the possibility of it happening sooner than later.”

The older could only smile as he heard the optimistic reply the younger gave.

Lele had been with Yibo for as long as he could remember. He was his bodyguard, his friend, his father, and his shoulder to lean on. He had been with him from the very first scar that formed on his body to the one that formed a few days ago, from the time he was so frightened about it to the time he learned to adapt to it. He had also been there with him when the realization dawned upon the younger on who and why he had scars formed on his body.

He had been there from the very beginning, and he couldn’t help but care for the younger whenever he saw him.

Thinking about it, Lele couldn’t help but hug Yibo. And as much as the latter was surprised, he only had it in him to hug him back.

They stayed in that position for a few minutes until Yibo spoke.

“Ge, if we keep doing this, I might be late to my schedule.”

Lele could only chuckle as he pulled away then patted Yibo on the shoulder.

“You know that I will always be here for you, right?” he said.

Yibo nodded, “And I hope you know that you will always have me too.”

Later that night, as Yibo entered his apartment after having fulfilled his schedule for the day, a message from his co-star turned best friend, Xiao Zhan, made its way to his phone.

As he pressed the bubble notification to see what the older wanted to talk to him about, he was surprised to be greeted by a suggestion of a one-day getaway.

8:05 PM

zhan-ge

bo-di!!

i saw an advertisement for surfing a few days ago, and i wanted to try it out

wang-jie

hehe hi zhan-ge!

surfing? won’t that tire you, ge?

zhan-ge 

bo-di, if i want something, i get it

so make sure to get your swimming attire ready cause we are going surfing!!

wang-jie

wait wait

what do you mean by we ?

zhan-ge 

oh yeah, i may have accidentally bought two tickets

and since you already know about it, you’re coming with me!!

see you soon, wang-jie!!

wang-jie

haha same to you too, ge!!

And that was how Yibo found himself standing by the entrance of the surfing resort Xiao Zhan sent him the location of, his knapsack bag holding onto him by its straps. And if that night, thinking about the older made a number of his scars burn, he kept that information to himself.

During the ride coming here, Lele had asked him if he would like him to accompany him, in case anything would happen. But Yibo reassured him that he knew what to do - the precautions and all that - and that he would call him straight away if something happened.

Doubtful despite the trust he had, Lele nodded and told the younger that he would be looking around at a mall nearby to pass the time. Yibo smiled at that, and although he didn’t say it out loud, he was glad that the older was there looking out for him.

“Yibo!” a voice called out to him from a distance.

From where he stood, Yibo could figure out the incoming rushed footsteps coming his way and a faint sound of panted making its way to his ear. The moment he turned around, he was greeted by the sight of Xiao Zhan smiling at him.

Just as he was about to greet the older, Xiao Zhan started to frown as he looked at him from left to right.

“Where’s Lele-ge?” the older asked.

“Oh, Lele? He didn’t come,” Yibo answered.

Xiao Zhan nodded, “So it’s just us two then?”

“You didn’t bring your bodyguard and assistant?”

The older smiled, “I told them to take a day off. I can drive myself, you know?”

The younger got confused, “But you don’t have a car.”

Xiao Zhan chuckled as he wrapped an arm around Yibo, “Bo-di, times have changed. We can always rent a car when we don’t have one. Now, how about we go inside? We don’t want the instructors to wait too long.”

Yibo nodded, agreeing to what the older just said. 

And in that position, they entered the doors to the surfing area, and Yibo wouldn’t lie if a faint sting made its way to his chest.

The moment it was time to change into the appropriate attire, there may have been a short discourse between the two.

Xiao Zhan frowned as he looked at Yibo. They had been in the shower room for almost ten minutes now, and the younger still hadn’t made a move on changing. It was like the younger didn’t know how to change his clothes by himself.

“Yibo,” he called.

Yibo, who was out of his mind for a moment, looked up to be met with Xiao Zhan, who was now finished wearing the attire they were given to wear. The black swimming overall hugged his body so tight that he could see the shape of the muscles the older had been gaining since the last time they met.

“Yibo!,” Xiao Zhan called out once again, pinching the younger’s side as he did so.

“Zhan-ge! What did you do that for?” Yibo exclaimed as he rubbed the side he was being pinched at.

The older snickered, “Maybe if you have changed already, I wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh,” the realization settled upon the younger.

Yibo looked down at his outfit and looked back up to see Xiao Zhan’s outfit. Out of the two of them, he was the only one who had not changed from his casual clothes. Nope, not even his shorts.

Wanting to make an excuse as to why he couldn’t change when someone was around, Xiao Zhan had already beaten him to it. 

And if the older’s face earlier seemed hard and cold, now it was soft and understanding.

“Yibo, are you uncomfortable with me being here?” Xiao Zhan asked in such a soft voice that Yibo wanted to shed a tear or two.

“Zhan-ge, I-”

Xiao Zhan smiled as he went to grab his things, “How silly of me, Bo-di. I forgot that more than a year has already passed since we filmed A-Ling. It’s okay if you aren’t comfortable changing with me now. People tend to change over time as we all know. I’ll leave you to change then, hmm? Just look for me once you are done.”

And after the older had placed all of his necessities inside his bag, he smiled at the younger and gestured towards the door. The moment he left, Yibo felt like he could finally breathe and lose the tension he felt on his skin.

He sighed as he wondered, how in the world was he supposed to act if just by simply being in the older’s presence made his skin burn slightly and his heartbeats beat quickly?

After he had finally got into attire and headed out of the shower room, Yibo met up with Xiao Zhan at a small cottage the older must have rented for them to leave their things at.

Once they settled and double-checked all of their belongings, they headed towards the beachfront where their instructor was waiting for them, together with the surfboards they were about to use.

Surfing, in Yibo’s opinion, was an escape from reality. Being able to feel the ocean breeze as you ride along the waves. Your arms are spread out to keep balance. Letting yourself go as you let the water take you. The feeling was remarkable, splendid, and truly something that words could not describe.

He was happy the moment he rode the wave. He had let himself be free - free from all the doubts and thoughts he had of himself, and free from the reality he was in. 

It was like he was at peace with the world, with the people around him, and most especially, with himself.

Sadly, good things always have an end. Yibo frowned as he moved out of the surfboard he rode and stepped onto the water below him.

The moment he arrived at the area where their instructor was waiting for him and Xiao Zhan, he immediately told them about how smooth their surfing was, and how it was like they were professionals instead of amateurs. He also had added that it was just like how he had expected from China’s top stars.

“You know us?” Xiao Zhan asked out of curiosity.

The instructor nodded, “My daughter is a big fan of you two! I don’t come to her room often, but I can see a glimpse of the posters she has of you both!”

Yibo smiled as he listened, “That’s really nice to hear, laoshi.”

“It would have been nice if she had come here. She actually assists me with work on the weekends, but she needed to go somewhere for her final project,” the man explained.

“How about this?” Xiao Zhan started. “How about we take a photo all together right now, and you send it to her as a surprise?”

The instructor and Yibo both looked at Xiao Zhan, one was surprised while one was amused.

“You’ll do that?” the man asked, his eyes full of excitement for himself and his daughter.

Xiao Zhan nodded, “If it weren’t for your guidance today, me and Lao Wang would not have been able to surf properly. Besides money, please take this as a token of gratitude.”

“Okay okay! Let me get my phone first,” and with that, the instructor hurried to where he had placed his bag.

They were silent as they waited. Thankfully, the silence was comfortable. Both of them were looking at the sea, feeling the breeze, and enjoying the view.

If it were any other time, Yibo would have already struck a conversation with Xiao Zhan. But he didn’t.

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, it was just because he wanted to look at the view in front of him - and he also had a thought that maybe Xiao Zhan did too.

Being constantly surrounded by cameras, crews, and the staff had its downfall. There were times where he would feel suffocated, and times where he would feel alone. There were also times where he would just want to go away to the province for a year just to relax and forget about the responsibilities he had.

Being in the spotlight, though wonderful, was also tiring. So Yibo was truly grateful that Xiao Zhan had brought him along in his one-day getaway.

As soon as the instructor arrived, Xiao Zhan and Yibo approached him to take the picture. At first, it had gone smoothly, but since the man was shorter than both of them, he was struggling to keep up with their height.

Seeing it, both Xiao Zhan and Yibo offered to hold the phone at the same time.

The instructor looked at them, amused. It wasn’t everyday that the top stars of China would lend a hand to you. On the other hand, Xiao Zhan and Yibo had also looked at each other awkwardly. Both of their hands were reached out to the man’s hands and it was simply there in mid-air.

Seeing how neither of them was about to make a move, Yibo cleared his throat as he spoke.

“You can do it yourself, Zhan-ge.”

Xiao Zhan raised an eyebrow, “You don’t want to?”

“It isn’t that I don’t want to,” Yibo started. “You just have longer arms than me.”

The older wasn’t sure if what the younger said was a compliment or not, but he followed through. He accepted the phone that was given to him by the instructor and raised it to an angle where all three of them could be seen. Once the picture-taking was done, the instructor thanked them once again then directed them to the reception area so they could pay.

“How about you go first and get our things while I pay?” Xiao Zhan suggested as they walked away from the beachfront.

“But I haven't sent you my payment yet,” Yibo replied.

“Don’t worry Lao Wang. Think of it as my treat!”

“But-”

Xiao Zhan hushed him, “No buts, Bo-di. I brought you to this trip, so I’m paying.”

“But I am capable of paying for myself…” Yibo answered.

The older smiled, “Of course I know that. I just want to treat you, okay? Now be a good boy and get our things, will you? And don’t forget to change as well.”

Yibo nodded, “Okay ge."

Once everything was settled - the payments, their things, them having already changed to a new set of clothes, Xiao Zhan led Yibo to the car he had rented. The moment they arrived in front of the vehicle, the younger could only gape.

Yibo, to tell the truth, kind of expected that the car the older would bring was the one that could only seat four people. But he didn’t expect that Xiao Zhan would rent the one that could seat eight passengers.

“Yibo, if you keep staring at the car then we won’t have our lunch!” Xiao Zhan called out to him, bringing him out of his reverie.

“Okay ge!” he answered almost immediately as he started to make his way to the front seat.

So maybe the older was right when he chose this car. It was spacious, and they didn’t have to worry much about their things as they can be placed properly on one of the seats at the back.

After checking once again if they hadn’t left anything important, Xiao Zhan started to drive out of the parking lot and made their way towards the restaurant he had booked for themselves.

In a moment's time, Xiao Zhan and Yibo had finally arrived at the restaurant. It was a twenty-minute ride from where they had been previously, and its location was facing the sea. The pair exited the car once it was properly parked, then entered the two-story building.

Its interior was complementary to its location - blue and white walls with its furniture composed of the ones you can find in a ship. The waiter who was standing by the entrance asked them for their names, and when Xiao Zhan replied about a reservation for two under his name, the person nodded as she started to lead them towards the balcony part of the restaurant.

Al fresco dining was the term used when diners eat outdoors, and Yibo was beyond grateful that Xiao Zhan had chosen to reserve a table outside. The seaview and the sea breeze were therapeutic. Just by looking at it made his nerves calm down, making him feel free from whatever tension his shoulders were carrying.

Once they were settled in their seats, the waiter handed them two copies of the menu. Both Xiao Zhan and Yibo took one each and started to skim through the different choices of food they offered. The majority of it was seafood, and even if there was meat, it would only be little to none. Even as Yibo looked through the pizza section, a couple of them had shrimp as part of the toppings.

“What do you want to order, Bo-ge?” Xiao Zhan asked, breaking the silence between them.

Yibo looked up at the older then back down at the menu, “I’m not entirely sure,” he paused for a while, not sure if that was the right reply. “Maybe we can ask for recommendations?”

Noting the suggestion, Xiao Zhan nodded, “That’s a good idea. Let me call the waiter.”

A few seconds after the older started to signal for the waiter to come, she arrived with a pen and paper in hand.

“Have you decided what to order already, sir?” she asked politely.

Xiao Zhan shook his head then replied, “My partner and I decided to ask for recommendations. Which of the dishes here would you say is famous among customers? A package would be fine as well, fit for two will be much better.”

As the waiter started to list down the dishes to answer the older’s question, Yibo’s mind started to wander on its own. When Xiao Zhan spoke earlier and referred to him as his ‘partner’, he couldn’t help but feel a weird tingling sensation in his heart. The term could be used in so many ways that he couldn’t point out what kind of partner exactly did the older label him as.

As he continued to think about it, a voice in his mind told him it was all platonic . 

Yibo silently tsk-ed. Of course, he knew that there were no feelings attached. It was always like that with Xiao Zhan. The older would treat everyone the same way, though, at some point, he had actually thought to himself that maybe Xiao Zhan would actually treat him differently, look at him differently, maybe even act differently whenever he was with him. Although the older did already show a difference when he was with him, Yibo just couldn’t help but ask for another type of difference. He couldn’t tell exactly what it was, but he knew he wanted the older to see him as a lover.

The thoughts he was having right now were starting to settle in his veins, and Yibo could start to feel the burning sensation on his skin. Thankfully at this moment, it was the tattoo formed on his right thigh. If Xiao Zhan won’t look down later, he could lie to him, saying that he had spilled something on his lap - when in reality, he was actually trying to massage the spot to soothe the pain.

Luckily, as if the heavens were in his favor, the pain started to subside and Yibo felt instant relief. He never would like for the older to know about this. Maybe someday, he would have a need to do so, but for now, he would just like to enjoy the moment rather than telling him something so dreadful.

Yibo had been so deep in his thoughts that he didn’t even notice that the waiter had already left five minutes ago. He was only pulled out of his reverie when Xiao Zhan shook him on his shoulder.

“Bo-di? Yibo? Are you alright, Bo-ge?” Xiao Zhan asked, his voice laced with concern.

“I’m feeling fine, Zhan-ge. Sorry for spacing out earlier,” Yibo replied then added a smile.

The older let out a sigh of relief, “Thank goodness. I thought something about this place was bothering you. You were so silent when the waiter was telling us about the meals and even after she left that I thought you were starting to judge the restaurant. I’m glad that isn't the case.”

If there was one thing in this world that Yibo would always look forward to, it was the smile on Xiao Zhan’s face. When he told the older that he was actually alright - he could only give out a white lie to hide the truth, there was an evident 360-degree turn on the expression on Xiao Zhan’s face. He wasn’t sure if he should take note of the fact that the older was genuinely concerned about something so small. But one thing was for sure, Yibo would only like to see a smile on Xiao Zhan’s face whenever he was with him or whenever the talk was about him.

The pair then soon started a conversation - the topic balancing between catching up with each other and talking about their interests.

As they talked, Yibo had noticed Xiao Zhan constantly looking up at him and at his chest. As if there was a fire emergency going on in his head, the younger immediately looked down at his chest, instantly greeted by an open button. Knowing that the button and the skin underneath was the thing that caught the other’s attention, Yibo started to curse at himself for being so careless.

“Yibo,” Xiao Zhan started to speak. “What’s that on your chest?”

Yibo gulped then hurriedly closed the button and checked if all of it were perfectly aligned, “What do you mean, ge?”

“Yibo,” the older’s voice was now starting to mix with concern. “I can tell that it’s a scar, a dark one at that. Did someone hurt you? Hit you? Does Lele-ge know about this? Why didn’t you tell me?”

As much as Yibo wanted to answer all of those questions truthfully, the last one definitely pained him. Being best friends, it was obvious that there was an underlying rule between them that they should often, if not always, inform each other about the recent happenings in the other’s life. Xiao Zhan had always been transparent towards him, and the thought made Yibo feel guilty.

If only things were that simple .

Yibo smiled, “The scar’s nothing, Zhan-ge,” he tried to sound as convincing as possible. “Just accidentally poured hot water on myself. How silly of me, ge. I promise you though, this will be gone in two days.”

Just like with Lele, he always had to lie about the scars on his body. The only difference was: Lele knew about the truth of his condition, while Xiao Zhan only could eat the lies he would tell him.

The day soon came to an end. After exploring more of the area, Xiao Zhan had told Yibo that he had a schedule early in the morning tomorrow and that he would love to have a good night's sleep before going to work. He nodded, understanding it both as an actor and as a friend.

Lele then picked him up at a bus stop along the road and drove him towards his apartment. The moment they arrived, the older told him that he hoped he had a nice day and that he would come to pick him up at about 10 in the morning. Yibo nodded and thanked him for today. Lele also thanked the younger for the free day - it almost made him forget that he was actually there to accompany the younger - and that he had truly enjoyed it.

Yibo got out of the car with his things on hand and made his way to his apartment. Once he arrived, he immediately tossed aside his belongings, removed his shoes and socks, and traveled towards his bedroom. The moment he stood next to his bed, Yibo flopped himself down on the mattress. He didn’t understand the logic behind it but whenever he went for a swim, the feeling of his body against the bed was ten times more relaxing.

Not feeling tired running through his body yet - he had fallen asleep in the ride back earlier, Yibo fished his phone out of his pocket and made his way to scroll through social media.

As he scrolled through the contents on his new feed, Yibo’s heart felt calm. It was heartwarming whenever he saw messages from fans along with a fanart of himself. It may not seem like it whenever he would be asked to show reactions or give messages to them on stage or on camera, but Yibo was truly grateful and happy for the efforts they have made and the support they have given him.

Just as his emotions were full of bliss, his news feed just had to recommend him a video. And no, it was not just any kind of video, like advertisements and games. But it just had to be of Xiao Zhan with a girl - most likely a behind the scene video of his previous dramas based on their attires and the surroundings.

Yibo shouldn’t have cared, he really had no reason. He and Xiao Zhan also had their fair share of videos - maybe even more than any of the older with his other co-stars - but he did. He did care.

As he watched the video, an unsettling sensation started to make its way towards his skin. Everyone was laughing, everyone was happy, and Xiao Zhan in particular was smiling widely as he held onto the girl - Yibo figured it was his co-star.

Curiosity settled in his mind as he continued to watch. Even if it pained him, Yibo couldn’t help but watch more of the video. He was torturing himself, he was sure of it, but he just couldn’t stop.

Tears started to trickle down on his cheeks as the burning sensation started to hurt. It was painful, like boiling hot water was directly poured on your skin in big amounts. 

It burned.

His skin burned.

Because of the pain, Yibo couldn’t put any more attention to holding his phone. He had let go of it at some point as he clutched onto the sheets beneath him, praying to whoever was listening to him for relief.

Was it his fault for having developed feelings for his co-star, his best friend? Was it his fault that he couldn’t suppress what he felt? Was it his fault that he couldn’t stop thinking about the older?

He was only expressing himself. He was only trying to be himself, trying to be able to feel for another person. He was just being normal because everyone in this world had at least experienced falling for someone until they have found the one .

Yet, why was it that it was like a punishment for him? 

Why did he have to feel pain? Why did he have to see scars on his skin? Why did he have to experience hot, burning feelings on his skin every night?

He couldn’t help himself if he liked someone, but why did it have to be so painful? Was this heaven's way of saying that he shouldn’t love someone? That he would never be able to love and to be loved? Was that what this was all about, why he had to experience the rarest form of Hanahaki?

Yibo could only cry himself to sleep, the burn on his skin starting to cool itself down and the thoughts in his head starting to silence themselves. He was only liking someone. It shouldn’t have to be this painful.

❦

10:05 AM

xuan lu

yibo, hi!!

i dont know if you have heard of this from a-zhan already but there’s a gathering among the a-ling cast tomorrow 

reply to me once you see this so i can send to you the location :D

oh wait i should have been considerate

i know you are busy and all, but i really hope you can join with us

just reply btw!!

The text had been sent two hours ago.

He was in the middle of a shoot, and this was the first time since the morning that Yibo had found the time to open his phone. It was about noon now, so it was only reasonable that the crew and the staff would have time for themselves.

Noticing the blank expression on the younger’s face when he arrived, Lele placed down the bag of food he bought and approached him.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” he asked once he saw what had made the younger silent.

“Huh?” Yibo had let out. “Oh, this? I don’t really know, ge,” as he said the last words, it was as if he sounded hesitant.

It wasn’t every day that you get to meet people who you have once worked with and developed a friendship with. And in Yibo’s opinion, it would be nice to catch up with those types of people every once in a while - to see how one was doing and all those things.

But there was a thought in his mind containing what ifs and different possibilities that had made him doubt his decision.

Lele was about to ask Yibo about the tone he had when he talked to him just a second ago when he finally saw clearly the message written on the screen.

“A-Ling? You mean, Chen Qing Ling?” he didn’t really have to ask - the answer was as clear as the sky.

Yibo hummed, “I don’t mind meeting up with them, Le-ge. It’s just that, what if I…” his voice grew quiet, afraid that he might say something bashful and that he would just look stupid in front of the older.

Despite the sudden silence, Lele was understanding. He understood what kind of thoughts Yibo was having right now. He understood the reason behind the hesitant feeling he was having. He understood why the younger was having second thoughts about giving a reply.

But even if he had those feelings, those thoughts, it shouldn’t hinder him from hanging out with friends. So what if something could possibly happen? There were more than a hundred possibilities in the realm of possibilities. The happenings of the night would only depend on fate if it would decide to be kind or mean to you.

Not wanting Yibo to hide and lie to his friends just because of one person among the crew, Lele placed a hand on his shoulder as he gave one last thought on what he was about to say to Yibo.

“Yibo,” he started. “I know my opinion doesn’t really matter as this is already a part of your personal life. But if you ever are having doubts about what to reply, I’d say, just go for it. There isn't any pain involved if you said yes, right?”

As Yibo listened and understood the last sentence, he learned that words and gifts would never truly amount to how grateful he was for Lele and his guidance. The older man was truly a blessing to him - always there for him when he needed him, and always there for him when he needed someone to give him assurance on what he was about to do.

“Okay, Lele-ge. Thank you,” he replied, a smile making its way at the end.

Lele smiled back, “I hope you’ll be happy with the decision that you will make.”

After that, the older informed him that he still needed to bring the drinks he had bought from the car. Yibo could only nod as his mind was starting to make up the words he was about to use in his reply.

Once he finally had it, Yibo tapped on the message box and started to type in his reply.

12:45 PM

wang yibo

lu-jie, hello!!

sorry for the late reply, i was in the middle of a shoot

just send to me the address and i’ll see if i can arrive in time

Not only did Yibo have to see if he could arrive in time, but he was also even a couple of minutes earlier than the scheduled time!

If his memory had served him right, his schedule today was supposed to be packed - he had a recording in the morning and two advertisement shoots in the afternoon. What happened today, however, was that the two shoots he was about to have had to move the date because of a sudden emergency with their respective companies.

And even if Yibo’s assistant would try to push a few of his schedules earlier, it would be of no use. Their request to suddenly do the shoot and the likes would be too out of the blue, the production of the said brand or so would not be able to work it out so fast in such a short time.

As a result, Yibo decided to just inform his assistant about the gathering he was about to attend today. 

Although he had received a little bit of a handful from her - she told him that he should have said it earlier so she didn’t need to do such calls - she agreed and instructed the driver to drive him towards the location.

The moment they arrived, Yibo informed them both that they could leave early today and that he could always call for Lele when he needed. 

Seeing how he was more than ready to step out of the car, the pair could only nod at him and bid him a good day.

Once Yibo saw that the car was finally out of sight, he turned around from his previous position and took notice of the place he had just arrived at.

It was a hotel, and if he were to assume, it was most likely to be a five-star hotel. With its top-class infrastructure and its high-end security the moment he entered the doors, Yibo understood why Xuan Lu decided to book rooms here.

As soon as he had stepped into the building, Yibo learned that he was not the only one who had come early. Besides noticing the familiar figure of Haikuan by the lobby, he also could vaguely picture out the woman he wished would not have made it.

“Yibo!” Xuan Lu greeted as she patted his shoulder from behind. “I guess we have arrived at the same time, and look, Ziyi and Haikuan are here too!”

Yibo didn’t want to admit it out loud, but the sound of Xuan Lu calling out Ziyi’s name in such a cheery voice made him want to puke. Something about the woman just made his blood boil, but he’d rather have that thought to himself. In the end, he simply snorted to himself, a little bit silent so Xuan Lu wouldn’t notice that he did.

They approached the pair by the lobby and Yibo simply feigned a fake smile when he had to greet Ziyi. Since all he had to do to show respect was to notice her existence, he immediately turned to stand close to Haikuan, who didn’t mind and went along.

The group of four soon then turned into two pairs, with each pair talking about their certain interests. 

With Haikuan, talking to him seemed more like a brother-to-brother manner. Yibo wasn’t sure if it's because of the fact their roles before had a familial relationship or it’s just because of the way they treat each other.

Although he didn’t mean to, Yibo heard Xuan Lu tell Ziyi that she would go to the front desk to get the key cards. Even though the other female was insistent on going together, the older woman simply told her to wait. 

And that was how Ziyi ended up beside Haikuan once more.

Being in her presence was the last thing Yibo wanted, and even though he would love to just leave right there and then - maybe with an excuse to go to the restroom - he just didn’t want to seem rude .

Not really sure what had actually transpired between them, all Yibo could tell was that the moment Ziyi sat in their space, all three of them had turned their attention to each of their phones. And honestly, he wouldn’t like it any other way.

Good things come to an end, sadly.

Yibo, who was too immersed in watching a replay of his favorite motorcyclist, Valentino Rossi, during his last race, did not notice the entrance of a new person. Only when Haikuan greeted them did he notice them.

“Xiao Zhan. Zhoucheng.”

Upon hearing his name, Yibo paused the video and turned to look in the direction Haikuan was looking. And there he was, Xiao Zhan clad in a black and white outfit.

Just as he was about to go up to him and be his normal self around him, Ziyi had beaten him to it.

What they talked about - Yibo had blurred it all out. 

Instead of greeting Xiao Zhan, he simply grabbed his earphones from his pocket, plugged them in, and started to place his attention back again at the video - only this time, the sounds in his ear were now filled with the sound of motorcycles racing against each other, and the sounds of their machines igniting on the race track.

Once everyone was here, including Xuan Lu who had just finished dealing with the reservations at the front desk, they headed towards the elevator. They had decided to split up into teams, and lucky for Yibo, the older woman insisted that all women go together, or in other words, her and Ziyi. That resulted in him finally having the chance to be with Xiao Zhan.

If tonight was a battle to get Xiao Zhan’s attention, Yibo did not say that out loud.

During the elevator ride, the ones talking were mostly Yu Bin and Zhoucheng. Xiao Zhan wasn’t speaking that much as his attention was on his phone, and Yibo couldn’t find the right time to open his mouth. To put it into words, the luck he thought for finally having a chance alone with the older was just fantasy.

Once they reached the floor, that was the time Xiao Zhan had finally started speaking to him.

“Yibo!” he greeted in his usual happy-go-lucky voice. “I was waiting for you to talk to me, why didn’t you?”

“I…” he couldn’t just say that he was having a mental crisis and that he just really wanted to be alone at this point right? “I was also waiting for you to talk to me, ge!”

A white lie, but it should do the trick.

Xiao Zhan looked at him funnily, raising an eyebrow at him, “Are you sure?”

Yibo smiled, “Yes, Zhan-ge.”

“Are you sure sure ?”

The younger couldn’t help but laugh, “Of course I am sure, Zhan-ge. Why wouldn’t I be?”

Xiao Zhan wrapped an arm around him then smiled brightly, “I was just messing with you. Sheesh Yibo, I didn’t know you take my jokes seriously.”

“Your jokes are lame, and that wasn’t even a joke!”

The older jokingly snorted, “You just don’t want to admit that your jokes are five times worse than mine.”

Yibo widened his eyes then started to jokingly glare at Xiao Zhan. Just as he was about to tickle the light out of the older, he stopped when Yu Bin turned and told them that they had arrived.

Clearing his throat as he composed himself, Yibo lessened the distance between him and Xiao Zhan as he whispered.

“I will get my chance later, Lao Xiao.”

Seeing how he was being challenged, Xiao Zhan started to speak in the same tone, “Not if I beat you first, Lao Wang.”

The night was splendid.

There were drinks, food, and party games – all prepared by Xuan Lu. When she was asked how and when did she prepare all these and why she didn't say anything to anyone, she simply answered that she wanted to make tonight something to remember.

It would have sounded oddly sad, but with her beaming attitude, it seemed like Xuan Lu simply wanted a night to let out all of the tension and to simply enjoy.

And that was exactly what they did. 

All of them except Yibo.

While the others were drinking - soft drinks, not alcohol, they still had a schedule the next day - eating, and playing, Yibo was trying his best to match with everyone’s mood while also trying to distract his mind from the burning sensation that was starting to form on his skin.

He thought he could handle it, seeing Xiao Zhan together with Ziyi. In all honesty, he didn’t know when did the pair get so close, and he didn’t even bother to ask the older. He even thought that at some point the interaction between the two would last only for half an hour, and for the rest of time, Xiao Zhan would be with him – laughing and smiling like how he was right now.

But when Yibo thought he could manage himself, he couldn’t.

The itching, fiery sensation was gradually making its presence, diverting his attention from what was happening inch by inch. 

It was hard, keeping his hands by himself. The urge to give in was strong, especially when a voice in his head was telling him to do so. He tried to laugh, he tried to smile, he tried to make sense of the jokes that were being thrown his way. But even with his efforts, he just couldn’t keep up.

Yibo’s head started feeling light, his chest starting to tighten. His skin was burning so much he felt like he was being thrown into a campfire. There wasn’t even one given by the fact that they were in a hotel room.

Questions started making their way to his mind, full of whys and hows. Why exactly was this triggering right now? How exactly was the burning sensation triggered? Why exactly did he have to be jealous of seeing Xiao Zhan with another?

Not knowing what had unfolded next, all Yibo knew was that the sounds of enjoyment died down in his ears and the panicked look on Xiao Zhan’s face were the last things he noticed before he closed his eyes.

The moment he regained consciousness, the first thing Yibo could figure out was murmured voices and quiet footsteps going around the room. Who was talking and what the topic was, he couldn't tell. The way they were speaking was quiet, too quiet that it seemed like they were afraid to wake the person laying on the bed with their loud voices.

Unbeknownst to Yibo, he had accidentally moved himself on the bed a bit too loud, causing the people in the room to become silent and place their attention on him.

Realizing what he had done, he hurriedly stilled himself and pretended that he was still unconscious. Yibo, though he won't admit it out loud, was hoping they'd take the hint.

It wasn't that he hated to see them, nor did he want nothing to do with them. Rather, it was because he was in this state that he wanted them to leave. It was too embarrassing given he was the most athletic one out of the group.

Thankfully, one of the people present had finally taken the hint, and Yibo may have already guessed who it was the moment he spoke his first words.

"So," Xiao Zhan started to speak. "Do you mind if you guys can leave first and give Yibo some space? I don't want to be a spokesperson for him out of the blue, but as his closest friend, I think he'd want peace first before confiding everyone with answers."

Closest friend .

Hearing that made Yibo want to vomit. Regardless, he was grateful that the older was speaking out his thoughts.

"How about you?" Yibo was guessing that this voice belonged to Yu Bin. "Are you going back to the hotel room?  She is waiting for you, you know."

Xiao Zhan sighed as he looked at the laying figure, "I'll stay here. At least Yibo would have someone to accompany him. Just tell Ziyi that."

Yu Bin hummed, "I'll tell her that then. Does Yibo know though?"

"What does Yibo know?"

"The fact that Ziyi has been pursuing you this past year."

Yibo wanted to hear more, to finally learn the reason why Xiao Zhan was suddenly close to Ziyi. However, all he got was silence.

A sigh broke the silent atmosphere and it was no brainer to tell that it was from Xiao Zhan.

"Yu Bin, let's talk about this later, hmm? For now, I want to be by Yibo's side."

Yibo could hear the male hum.

"Whatever makes you feel okay, Zhanzhan."

"Thank you."

No words followed afterward besides the opening and closing of the hotel room door. 

Yibo still continued to pretend to be asleep, closing his eyes and making sure that he was as limp as possible. Too bad though, Xiao Zhan knew him too much to see through his facade.

Xiao Zhan sat down on the space by the bed and laid a hand on his side.

"Lao Wang," he started. "You can open your eyes now."

Wanting to see what more would the older say, Yibo continued to shut his eyes.

Not easily deceived, Xiao Zhan could also see the attempt, "Come on Bo-di, I know you are awake," his tone was childish, whiny – the exact voice that Yibo was weak for.

Once Yibo opened his eyes, he glared at the older as he shifted his body to sit up a bit.

"You really are the worst, Zhan-ge."

"Me?" Xiao Zhan jokingly snorted. "I think you are the worst one here, Bo-di. Not only did you faint in a middle of a gathering, but you also didn't even tell me you were getting tattoos!"

Yibo didn't even try to hide his confusion, "Huh? Ge, I don't have tattoos. And if I have, it would be those sticker tattoos that you tend to find in a children's party's loot bag."

"Then what are those on your arms then? Permanent ink? Yibo," Xiao Zhan's tone was serious. "I can tell if something is a tattoo or not when I see one."

My arms?

And that was when Yibo looked down did he realize what the older said. Now he also knew why he suddenly felt a gush of cold air directly hitting his skin the moment he sat up.

He was stripped off of his sweatshirt.

Used to hiding them from everyone besides the people he trusted his condition with, Yibo hurriedly brought the comforter to his chin, leaving only his head for Xiao Zhan to see.

Seeing that he was trying to cover himself, Xiao Zhan immediately grabbed a hold of the blanket.

This may have resulted in a game of tug of war.

"Yibo, are you crazy? You're going to get even sicker if you cover yourself," Xiao Zhan started.

"Zhan-ge, I know my body and my body tells me that I am not sick. Therefore, give me back the comforter!" Yibo replied as he tried to pull.

"It is best if you let your skin breathe especially with the number of layers you were wearing earlier," the older replied back.

"I can manage even if I wear a hundred more layers."

If there was one thing Yibo had learned, or adapted for a better term, from acting in costume dramas, then it would definitely be the ability to wear multiple layers in any circumstances.

They had gone on like this for a few more minutes until Yibo had ended up letting go of the blanket. He didn't want to lose, but the sudden strength from Xiao Zhan and the sudden weakening of his arms made it happen.

But when the comforter had finally been pulled away from his body, this gave Xiao Zhan the perfect opportunity to see more of Yibo's body.

And it was nothing like he thought it would be.

Noticing the marks through his clothes, the older couldn't help but lessen the space between them.

"Yibo, do you mind if I take a look at your chest?"

Bewildered, Yibo hurriedly covered his upper body with his arms, "No,” his voice was stern, and no words were added after that.

Sadly though, his efforts were to no avail as it also gave Xiao Zhan the chance to see notable markings from the back as well.

What Yibo expected was for the older to continue to interrogate him, to force him to show him his body. What had actually transpired, however, was Xiao Zhan letting go of the comforter and sighing as he looked Yibo in the eye.

"I'm sorry, Lao Wang," those were the first words Xiao Zhan said. "I know I should have gotten consent from you first, but your tattoos – I needed to confirm."

"Confirm? What do you need to confirm about, Lao Xiao?" Yibo asked.

The older sighed once more, "Before today, I actually had thought it was a myth, fiction. But seeing you right now Bo-di, I just can't believe what I am seeing."

The younger gulped, panic was starting to become evident in his eyes, "You– You know about this, ge?"

Xiao Zhan shook his head, "I don't know about it directly. I simply read it somewhere, but like I said, I didn't believe about its existence until today."

"Oh."

Silence fell for a moment. 

The silence somehow gave Yibo time to think. If Xiao Zhan had known, it was understandable that he had approached him that way earlier. However, what made him curious was the fact how the older knew about his specific condition.

Hanahaki Disease was commonly in the form of flowers growing in your lungs and letting out of your body through vomiting – mixing the colorful petals with blood. His condition, meanwhile, was a rare one. 

If the common case of hanahaki was people letting out petals, the rare case of it was getting tattoos on your skin involuntarily. No puking involved, only getting marked on your skin.

The disadvantage? The rare form would burn your skin. Not only from one tattoo, but from all tattoos combined – and there was only so much pain one body can take.

Not only that, but it was hard to hide the scars – especially when they grow darker by time, and when they vary by size. The magic of make-up could only do so much, and patching up your body with tape could result in greater pain the moment you take it off.

And it seemed to Yibo, Xiao Zhan already knew he had the rare case of hanahaki rather than the common one.

"Yibo," Xiao Zhan called, breaking the silent atmosphere. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable by asking about your disease – I can search for it, so you don't have to bother. I have my questions though."

"What do you want to ask me, ge?" Yibo knew that the older was trying his best right now to understand the situation, and instead of being insensitive, he could only understand.

He was his best friend after all. Xiao Zhan needed to know at least something instead of continuing to be kept in the dark.

"I know that whatever your disease right now happens is because of unrequited love," Xiao Zhan sighed before continuing. "Bo-di, who is it?"

Talk about straightforward .

Yibo sheepishly smiled, "Who is what, Zhan-ge?"

The older looked at him with a soft gaze, "I need to know the person who isn't giving my Yibo the love he deserves. Now tell me, who is it?"

"Zhan-ge, what do you mean? I am pretty sure that I am getting the love I deserve." However, it definitely would have been better if it was from you , he wanted to add.

"Bo-di, these scars just don't come from nowhere," Xiao Zhan was starting to become adamant. "So tell me, who is it?"

Yibo could only let out a sigh. He already knew that it would only be a matter of time before the older would know, but he didn't know nor expect that the revelation would happen in a situation like this – in a hotel room after having fainted because his heart could no longer contain the jealousy feeling it was having.

He sighed once more as he started to play with his fingers. It would have been nicer if time had given him a warning beforehand, but that wasn't how life worked.

Noting how Xiao Zhan was now staring into his soul, Yibo could only start to speak.

Quietly, at first.

"Bo-di, you do know that I can't hear you, right."

A little louder this time, but still quiet.

"Lao Wang, I really can't hear what you are saying."

"Ge, I said that it's you. It's you who I like ," Yibo had still said this in a low voice, but loud enough for Xiao Zhan to hear.

Xiao Zhan may not have said anything out loud, but it was evident in his facial expression. He was in disbelief. And honestly, if Yibo were in his shoes, he would have reacted the same.

Because of the reaction he had gotten, Yibo expected for the older to leave him right at this moment, and he, on the other hand, would be crying the night away.

Expectations were indeed different from reality.

Because instead of what he had expected, Yibo was taken aback when Xiao Zhan suddenly engulfed him in a hug. Tears followed not even a second later, wetting his shirt.

Muffled words could be heard from the older, as he continued to bring Yibo closer in his embrace. Different emotions like guilt and regret started to flow in his mind. Little did he know, he was also hurting the younger the more he brought him closer.

Yibo was in pain, however, different from the one Xiao Zhan was feeling. Right now, he felt like he was being punished, having to suck up whatever was happening at this moment. It wasn’t that he intended for this to happen, in fact, he never had expected this. Nothing at all. And it would also be rude to blame the older for suddenly bringing him close, so all he could do was to face it.

It was only when Xiao Zhan had started to feel his hair growing wet did he realize that Yibo was also crying.

He immediately let go of his arms then placed them on the younger’s cheek. He couldn’t help but wipe the continuous flow of tears, despite the voice in his head telling him that it wasn’t worth it.

“Y-Yibo,” Xiao Zhan spoke through tears. “Why are you crying? It should have been me crying, not you. I was the one who didn’t know, I was the one who wasn’t there for you. Please stop crying.”

Yibo shook his head as his hands on his side continued to clutch the fabric below him, “It hurts, ge. It hurts so much.”

“Hurts? Where does it hurt?”

The younger sniffed back tears as he replied, “You’re hurting me, Zhan-ge. Please, please just let go of me. At least, just let go of me now.”

Xiao Zhan stilled, his hands frozen on Yibo’s cheeks. So the younger wasn’t crying because of his sudden confession or of how he somehow became silent at it. It was simply because of him.

And the realization suddenly dawned upon him.

Yibo must have always had feelings for him, might be even longer than he was aware of considering the number of tattoos on his skin. It was practically so much that it was almost as much as the person who held the Guinness World Record for the most number of tattoos.

And while he, on the other hand, had never seen the younger other than more than just friends. Sure, being friends could develop into something more, but Xiao Zhan could only look at Yibo as a best friend at most. He had never had thoughts of dating the younger or falling for him, and that must have been the reason why he was hurting.

It was a fact that Yibo had never confessed to Xiao Zhan until today, and it was also a fact that he had never rejected the younger openly. But the heart truly had its way of knowing.

Xiao Zhan let go of Yibo at once, and the action made the younger felt like he could finally breathe.

The pain did not subside as soon as Xiao Zhan had let go - it didn’t work like that - but at least the burn on his skin gradually left him little by little.

Silence occupied the room for a while, neither of them knowing what to say. In Xiao Zhan’s mind, he was still processing everything, trying to piece together all of the things he and Yibo had just gone through. In Yibo’s mind, meanwhile, he wasn’t sure if he should tell the older to go or to stay.

Both of them were in their specific part of the bed - Yibo leaning against the headrest, and Xiao Zhan sitting at the foot. 

The more time passed, the more silent the room had gone. That was until finally, Xiao Zhan decided to bring out a question that would finally make sense of the thoughts running in his mind.

“When did it start?”

“When did what start, ge?”

Xiao Zhan tried to word it in a way that it would seem that he wasn’t being too direct with his question. But no matter how many times he tried to mix up the words, the structure of his question would always be the same.

“Your feelings,” he paused before continuing. “When exactly did you fall in love with me?”

“Oh,” that was the only thing that Yibo could let out.

In all fairness, he had actually prepared his answer for this question the moment he realized that his feelings weren’t going to go away. He could already tell that this was something Xiao Zhan would indeed ask him the moment the time comes.

But no matter how prepared he was, he still felt nervousness creeping through his skin.

“Zhan-ge,” Yibo started. “Remember that one time we were interviewed, when we were drawing portraits of each other’s characters? The time when we were told to choose one thing from two choices?”

Xiao Zhan nodded, “What about it?”

“Remember how they asked us, love at first sight or love in a long time?”

The older looked at the younger, confused, “Didn’t you answer love at first sight ? What does that have to do with anything?”

Yibo looked down as he couldn’t bear to look at Xiao Zhan when he answered, “I didn’t lie about it. I didn’t lie about the fact that I had chosen love at first sight rather than love in a long time. In fact, the moment I saw you, Zhan-ge, that was when I learned how it felt like to fall for someone as soon as your eyes fell on them.”

If at first, Xiao Zhan hadn’t gotten why Yibo decided to bring up an interview of them from the past, this time, it had finally occurred to him.

“W-wait,” he couldn’t help but stutter. “So what you’re saying right now is…”

Yibo nodded, “How else could I remember the fact of us first meeting at Day Day Up if not it being also the day I got the first tattoo marked on my chest.”

year 2017

The day had finally come to an end, the sun setting as the moon started to cast its light into the world. His schedule today consisted only of a recording for one of the shows he was hosting, so there was no other reason why Yibo would not decide to go back to his hotel room this early.

As the skies continued to darken, welcoming the night, he entered his apartment with a light feeling. He felt like he was on cloud nine, the thoughts of the group that would be the guest for their show, Day Day Up, in the next episode coming to his mind.

It wasn’t exactly the whole group, but one specific member.

Xiao Zhan , Yibo recalled his name was.

Out of all the members who had gone on the show today, to display their talents and all that, Xiao Zhan had especially left a mark on his heart. From the moment he started to introduce himself, winking at the camera and sending imaginary bullets from his finger gun, Yibo knew that he would be weak for him.

But he didn’t expect that he would be so weak, so head over heels for him that the moment he had opened his phone, he was already searching for the Weibo account of the group, XNine, as well as Xiao Zhan’s personal weibo and his supertopic.

Yibo wasn’t the type to remember the guests that had gone on Day Day Up, he wasn’t even the one to remember specific names of people he knew he would only meet momentarily. But Xiao Zhan - he couldn’t point out why he had left such an impression on him to the point he was doing all of these things.

They only had met twice, the first time being their shoot at the field and the most recent one being today. Their meetings weren’t even just the two of them, and yet he was already feeling things that he didn’t expect he would. 

As Yibo laid on his bed, still doing the same thing he had been doing since the moment he had stepped inside his apartment - scrolling through Weibo to learn more about Xiao Zhan - a burning sensation suddenly started budding on his chest. He had let go of his phone as soon as he felt it, the itchy feeling gradually making its appearance.

Frowning, Yibo stood up and headed to the bathroom. The feeling was so sudden, so out of the blue, that it made him curious about what was going on in his chest. He was only laying down and going through his phone, so the curiosity in him was truly at its highest.

Since it was on his chest, Yibo had to take off his shirt before having to take a look at himself in the mirror. And when he finally did, he was speechless beyond words.

He couldn’t recall doing anything extreme today, or in the past week. He couldn’t remember a time during the week that had him being involved in fights or being punched by someone. He was even sure that when he had his schedules for this week, none of them involved being in such a close perimeter with his body.

And yet as he stood in front of the mirror, Yibo could make out a bruise-like mark on the center of his chest. What made it even more peculiar, other than the fact he didn’t know where he had got it, was the form of it.

It was shaped like a flower - the name of it, he wasn’t sure.

It was like the mark on his chest was intentionally placed there, formed there, molded there. And in all honesty, the thoughts were too much for Yibo.

That was why, instead of thinking more about it, he did the one thing he had always thought of doing after the shoot.

“Han-ge!” Yibo spoke as soon as the call was connected.

“Oh Yibo, why are you calling me this late?” Wang Han replied.

“I hope I’m not disturbing you, ge. I just realized...” to be honest, he truly did not realize he was still up at 11 in the evening.

Yibo could hear Wang Han laughing softly at the end of the line, “It’s okay, Yibo. I did tell you before that you can always call me whenever you want to. So yes, what do you need?”

“Uh,” he paused, trying to make sure he wouldn’t sound too creepy as he would say his request. “Han-ge, do you think you can try to contact XNine’s manager for me?”

If Wang Han was drinking water at the moment, he would have already spat it the moment he heard Yibo’s question. Thankfully, he wasn’t.

Composing himself, Wang Han started, “I can try to ask the producers if they can. Is there any specific reason why you need to?”

Yibo nervously laughed, “I’ll sound stupid if I would say it out loud, ge.”

“Why? Are you doing this on a dare or?”

And later that night, Yibo had found himself smiling to sleep, his insides feeling giddy as his mind lingered to the message Wang Han had sent him, both as a good night and a good luck message.

Yibo chuckled as he ended his story, “It was obvious that I had no idea about that scar that night. The tattoos didn’t even come much by then. If I remember correctly, I only had two of them on my chest in 2017. It was only when A-Ling started did it start to multiply…”

Seeing how Yibo’s voice gradually silenced as he said the last words, Xiao Zhan couldn’t help but imagine the confused feelings the younger had as random tattoos started forming on his skin.

“Then,” Xiao Zhan started. “Did you go to see a doctor?”

Yibo nodded, “Of course I did. I think I fainted during a recording. I wasn’t sure what it was for, but all I knew was that I woke up in the emergency room as the doctor who attended to me said that he was a specialist in this field, and then started to tell me about the disease and everything about it.”

Xiao Zhan could only really find himself speechless. It had been more than a year since they had wrapped up filming Chen Qing Ling, and it had already been a year since his last interview with Yibo. They’d only meet whenever their schedule would coincide or whenever they were free, either to go out or to visit each other and do anything that would pop up in their minds.

It must have been so hard for him to deal with his disease while also working at the same time. Xiao Zhan truly felt that if there was an award on who people should give the most kudos to, it should be given to Yibo. At such a young age, he had already endured so much pain, Xiao Zhan couldn’t even imagine himself going through all those things.

Despite all of the words Xiao Zhan wanted to say to Yibo, all of his thoughts, only two words had left his mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he said this so sadly that Yibo could have almost mistaken that the older was crying.

“You’re sorry? What are you being sorry for, Zhan-ge? You didn’t reject me, and these are my feelings after all,” Yibo laughed lightly at the end.

Xiao Zhan let out a shaky sigh as he placed his hand on top of Yibo’s and looked him in the eye, “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help but be sorry for all the things that I had unintentionally let you go through. We all have feelings, I know, but I am so sorry that you had to experience this.

“And even though I didn’t reject you, you and I both know that this feeling will never be mutual between us. I have never seen you more than as a friend, Yibo, and I don’t think I will ever see you as more than that. Therefore, I am truly sorry, with all of my heart and with all of my being.”

“Oh,” Yibo replied. “Oh.”

Xiao Zhan nodded then breathed in and wore a smile on his face, “Yibo?”

“Yes, ge?”

“Do you mind if I hug you? Just this once?”

Yibo blinked at Xiao Zhan for a moment, processing the question thrown at him. Not sure what to reply, he could only nod and stretch out his arms for the older to enter.

Seeing the movement, Xiao Zhan chuckled lightly and smiled as he closed the space between him and the younger.

“But even if these are how things are between us, Bo-di, I just want to let you know that I will never let you go nor will I ever leave you. Never in a million years,” Xiao Zhan paused as he hugged tighter. “You are one of the most important people in my life, Wang Yibo, and I don’t think I can see myself living without you.”

Yibo gave back the same amount of force Xiao Zhan was exerting in the hug. Even if it pained him, this was Xiao Zhan, his best friend. Nothing should change between them just because of tonight. This was just a passing moment, and next time, they were going to be stronger and better versions of themselves.

“You are also one of the most important people in my life, Xiao Zhan. But although I don’t think I can envision the same things as you, for as long as I live, I will make sure that I am by your side at all times.”

The next day, it was just as he had expected.

The moment Yibo had woken up, the first thing he saw was the tray of food by the table. As he turned to his side to see if the figure of the man who had slept there last night was still there, he was slightly disappointed when he saw that he wasn’t. 

Just like he thought, Xiao Zhan would leave him before he woke up.

Not wanting to put too much thought into the present, Yibo stood up from the bed, grabbed his phone from the bedside table, and headed towards the table to eat the food that was prepared.

As he ate, Yibo decided to check his phone. However, as soon as he had opened it, he was immediately bombarded by the number of notifications that appeared on his lock screen. As he skimmed through it, he noticed that most of it were from the people he was with last night, asking if he was okay and all that, then the ones that definitely caught his attention were from Xiao Zhan and Lele.

Curious to see what the older had sent that he didn’t bother to stay and wait for until he woke up, Yibo immediately opened the chatbox. The moment he started reading the message, however, there was only one emotion clouding through his system.

Anger.

9:45 AM

zhan-ge

hey yibo, uhm…

sorry if i left quite early. i didn’t want to bother waking you and i had a schedule to catch up on, so i couldn’t stay any longer

however, i did manage to find some doctors that could help you!!

out of all the ones i found, this one seems to be the most trustworthy, and the site even shows the credits he got during his career!!

oh wait, here’s the link!

[insert link]

i really have to go now, bo-di :(

i hope that this helps you, even for a bit!! hehe

As much as Yibo appreciated the effort, he just couldn’t help but be mad. He didn’t want to feel infuriated and disgusted, but he did.

Sure Xiao Zhan did know about his disease, told him that he had read it somewhere and figured that it would start forming because of unrequited love. But no matter how much knowledge he had, there was just one thing he didn’t understand and that was: doctors were useless!

Yibo had tried so many times. The first year with this disease was basically just appointment after appointment. And no matter how many doctors, how many professionals did he see, none of them could give him any sure treatment. They could only prescribe him painkillers and ways to hide it, but the effect of those could only last so long.

Basically, Yibo had learned the hard way that you literally just have to live with it.

Already having lost his appetite long before he had even got to eat the third spoonful, Yibo simply gave a short reply of gratitude to the spammed messages and moved towards his chatbox with Lele.

He gave out a sigh of relief when he saw that the older had messaged him that he was already at the parking lot and that he’d wait for him no matter how long he would take.

Not wanting to waste any more of Lele’s time and to spend another minute in the hotel room, Yibo stood up from his seat, made sure that he had all of his belongings on hand, and headed towards the location Lele had sent him.

As soon as he had arrived at the car, Lele immediately gave him a look of concern. It was a contrast to the smile he was putting on, but Yibo couldn’t help but let down his facade the moment Lele drove off.

“Did something happen? I know that isn’t your everyday look, Yibo,” Lele said as he continued to drive whilst looking at Yibo through the rearview mirror.

Yibo held on his face a frowned look, and it wasn’t the typical frown when one was thinking about something. The expression on his face was similar to the one when someone had just gone through a heartbreak.

“Yibo,” Lele called out once more, seeing that the younger had not heard what he just said. “Yibo.”

“Huh?” Yibo let out, finally noticing that someone was calling out to him. “Oh Lele-ge, is there something wrong?”

“I think I should be the one asking you that, Yibo,” he replied. “Did something happen?”

Yibo frowned, then sighed, “He knows.”

His voice was so soft, so silent, that Lele had doubted for a moment if what he heard was right. When he finally understood that those two words were the only things Yibo had said, he had also let out his own share of a sigh.

“He knows? How?” Lele tried his best to be as comforting and soft as possible, and he hoped that Yibo had caught on to it.

Based on how he replied, it seemed like he did.

“Last night didn’t go as well as I expected, ge. Maybe I should have just listened to you and ditch the gathering,” Yibo replied, his voice still as quiet as ever.

When Lele stopped the car the moment he saw the traffic light going from yellow to red, he turned in his seat to face Yibo.

“No, Yibo,” he started. “What happened couldn’t be helped. You did what you could, and even if the bad things had still won, there was no harm in trying, right?”

“I ended up fainting during the night, Le-ge. What more harm could be done other than that?” at this point, Yibo was trying his best to not let his tears fall.

Lele sighed once more, “Sure, things last night may not have gone uphill, but there are just some things that couldn’t be helped. Sometimes, we just need life to take its own course.”

A horn from the car behind them broke the solemn atmosphere between them, and with one last look on Yibo, Lele turned around in his seat and started to drive once again.

As they continued to drive, the pair not engaging in a conversation, Yibo had gotten this moment to think.

There were regrets, of course, but just as what Lele said - some things just couldn’t be helped. Thinking about it, maybe it was alright that Xiao Zhan had learned about his disease earlier than expected. At least this time, he wouldn’t have to keep walking on eggshells whenever he would try to hide his skin when he would meet the older.

Sometimes, or maybe all the time, we should just let life decide what it had next in store for us.

❦

five years later

“Hey Yibo, it’s been three months since I came here. Did you miss me?”

Xiao Zhan asked those words as he placed down the bouquet of flowers that he had bought from the flower shop across the entrance of the cemetery.

Today was August 5th - the birthday of one of the most important people in his life, Wang Yibo.

“Hey,” Xiao Zhan spoke again after he lit up the candles at the foot of Yibo’s headstone. “Remember when I told you about that drama proposal I gave to my team? They just sent me an email about it, and they are now looking into it! Oh my gosh Bo-di, imagine if they agree to work on it!”

But after the continuous expressions of happiness, he couldn’t help but sigh and crouch down to feel the grass beneath his feet.

“It just would have been better if I got to celebrate this success together with you in person, Yibo.”

It was always like this whenever Xiao Zhan would visit. He would bring flowers to Yibo’s grave, talk to him about the recent happenings in his life, then at the end of it all, he’d find himself grieving for the younger’s presence.

Although five years had passed, Xiao Zhan just couldn’t find himself to move on. Every month, he would come here to this very place, and if he couldn’t, he would stay longer than usual just to fill in the absence he had in those times.

It was stupid, he knew. Not even Yibo’s parents were as diligent as him when it came to visiting the younger. They’d come here and visit during his birthday and other special occasions, but that was it. Xiao Zhan, on the other hand, was not.

When he felt like he had shared enough of his life with the younger, Xiao Zhan moved slightly closer to the headstone and reached out to the picture of Yibo that he, himself, had chosen.

“Things would have just been better with you by my side, Bo-di,” he sighed. “I hope you’re doing fine wherever you are though. You only truly deserve the happiest things in life.”

After that, Xiao Zhan ran his hands across Yibo’s name, imagining in his mind as if he was actually holding the younger’s hands. Once he started to feel like he was about to cry, he pulled away and stood up.

He gave one last look on the grave and subtly waved at it - a silent see you later in the form of his actions.

Not wanting to meet with anyone just yet, Xiao Zhan decided to use up his own money and ride a taxi to a location that he had held dear in his heart. A place where he and Yibo had promised their lasts with each other.

It was a road, a secluded one at that. 

When the driver of the taxi asked him if he had driven him to the right place, Xiao Zhan reassured him that it was and that he’d manage himself if that's what he was worried about. After finally being able to convince the man, he paid him and headed out of the vehicle.

Today, just like any other time he had come here, the road was empty. And it was just like Xiao Zhan had wanted.

He walked down the pavement, not minding the too silent atmosphere around him. There were shops, restaurants, but it was nothing like the ones found in the city - loud and sometimes annoying to the ears.

As he continued to make his way, Xiao Zhan couldn’t help but reminisce about the time Yibo had taken him to this place when he learned that it wasn’t too long before he had to say his last goodbye.

(“Hey Zhan-ge,” Yibo suddenly called out, stopping in his tracks.

Xiao Zhan frowned at the action and had to ask, “Bo-di, is something wrong? Why did you stop?”

Yibo shook his head, “Nothing’s wrong, ge. But I really just want to stop for a moment.”

Not really sure on what he should reply, Xiao Zhan simply followed the younger and stood by him. When he observed that Yibo was looking up at the night sky above him, he, too, couldn’t help but look at the sky above them as well.

“Ge,” Yibo called out. “Do you believe that story when souls turn into stars when they die?”

“Huh?” Xiao Zhan asked. “Where did you learn that from, Bo-ge?”

“It doesn’t matter where I learned it from. What matters is that, whether you believe it or not,” the younger replied.

“If I say that I don’t, would you get mad at me?” the older asked again.

Yibo simply shrugged, “That doesn’t really matter,” he paused for a moment then continued. “Anyways, before today Zhan-ge, I never had actually believed in such a story. But remembering about it now, maybe souls do turn into stars when they die.”

Xiao Zhan was amused, “What makes you say that, Lao Wang?”

The younger breathed in and out, “Well, our souls can’t decompose in the ground together with our remains, right? Of course, it would have to find its own place in this world, and it seems reasonable that it would settle itself into a star. Parents do tell us that our grandparents look after us even after we die.”

Not sure what the younger was implying, Xiao Zhan couldn’t manage to find an opportunity to ask where Yibo was going on about this when he added almost immediately his next words.

“Xiao Zhan,” Yibo now took this time to turn towards the older. “I want you to promise me something.”

“Promise you something?” Xiao Zhan was surprised. “Are there more things that we should promise each other about?”

“Zhan-ge, I’m being serious!”

“Okay okay,” the older raised his hands in defeat. “What promise are we making this time?”

Although as childish as it was, Yibo let out his pinky finger for Xiao Zhan to intertwine with.

“Zhan-ge, from this moment onwards, I want you to promise me that you would live your life happily as if I am still here to share that happiness with you.”

Yibo had said this in such a serious way that Xiao Zhan just couldn’t help himself, “Huh? Yibo, is there something you are not telling me?”

“Zhan-ge, just promise me this.”

Although doubtful, seeing how the aura that the younger was radiating was not just any aura, Xiao Zhan intertwined his own pinky with Yibo’s and did what he was told.

“Okay Bo-ge, I promise.”)

At that time, Xiao Zhan didn’t think anything serious out of it. It was only when the news of the younger’s passing had reached him did he realize that Yibo was indeed serious about his promise. That was why, on the night of his burial, Xiao Zhan immediately made his way to this very road he stood on today - to properly seal the promise he had shared with the younger.

But today, as he looked up at the blue skies above him, Xiao Zhan couldn’t help but apologize - both to himself and to Yibo.

“Yibo, is it wrong that I only learned to love you after you left me? Or is this just fate’s way of telling me that no matter how many times I succeed in my career, I will never be able to succeed in finding love on my own?

“As stupid as it is, maybe I was truly a fool for not falling in love with you sooner, Bo-di. Maybe if I had, we would have already shared a kiss that would only belong to us in this lifetime.”

After giving one last look at the road he was on and at the sky above him, Xiao Zhan started to make his step and headed towards the bus stop. 

He may not have all the time in his hands, but at the very most, he would make sure not to only live for himself, but also for the person who had died loving him.

Walking down the street

Where you first smiled and said, "hello"

Now I know it's for the best, just let the waters flow

Hard to call it a memory, but I'll never get you off my mind

In time, it all keeps calling me back

Back to you again