Work Text:
The shuttle bay was busy, and yet quiet. Having retrieved the shuttle, B'Elanna and her teams were in the shuttle bay reviewing the damage from the crash. The more junior engineers were working on the exterior, while the seniors were working to repair the interior. Joe and Sue were in the rear, while B'Elanna was up front accessing sensor data. Everyone was silently working, all too aware of how close they had been to losing valued friends and members of the crew.
B'Elanna had finished going through data of the crash when she noticed encoded files. Curious, she accessed them. Sam's face came into view, and as she began to speak B'Elanna's heart sank. These were goodbye messages. She backed out and went to the next. It was Tom. Glancing behind her to ensure Joe and Sue were still busy, she pressed play.
"...No more day old pizza lying around." She huffed a laugh at that, at least he knew that bothered her.
"So long."
She slumped into her seat a bit. As goodbye messages went this was sweet enough, but those words. So long… so long… not comforting at all. In fact, who ends a death message with so long?! The more she thought about it, the more agitated she became.
B'Elanna abruptly got up from the console and marched towards the shuttle bay doors, angrily muttering those damned words and calling for Toms whereabouts.
So long.
The words stuck with her, echoing and bouncing through her mind like one of those machines Tom had shown her on the holodeck… what had he called it? Pinball.
The turbolift doors opened letting her off at deck four. She didn't even remember getting on. So long. Oh he was going to pay.
-----
Tom entered into the familiar comfort of his quarters having been released from sickbay with his injuries healed, and an order of 48 hours rest. He was exhausted, the Doc had patched him up, sure, but something about almost dying was tiring. Too tired for his preferred water shower, he called for the sonic. He leaned forward and folded his arms under his head, letting the waves clean off the grime, and relax his tired body. He must have dozed off because the next thing he knew he was being jolted awake by a familiar voice.
"TOM PARIS!"
"Ah shit, computer end sonic shower" he muttered reaching for his bathrobe. Pulling it on, he turned just in time to see B'Elanna striding towards him.
"So long, Tom?" Channeling her annoyance, she raised her hands and gave him a hard shove.
"You found our messages." He breathed, he was too weary to understand where her apparent rage was coming from.
"You almost died, and the best you could come up with was "So long?""
"Yeah I said so long, what about it B'Elanna?" Why did they have to fight now, he just wanted to climb into bed and sleep.
"What, couldn't muster up the energy for an I love you?"
"Of course I love you-" Bewildered, he reached for her.
"Then why not say it!?" She stepped away, seething, "Why leave me with that - that ridiculous message?"
"B'Elanna", he sighed, "Can we do this another time? I'm tired and I just want to go to bed and sleep off the rest of this day."
"No Tom, I want to know why"
He scrubbed his face and turned away from her. "Because I couldn't do that to you."
"Do what?"
"I couldn't put the guilt of saying I love you onto you. Not as my last words. Not when.." he trailed off
"Not what Tom?"
He turned back towards her. "B'Elanna, I've known for a while now that our end was coming. I couldn't have my last words be I love you when you don't feel the same. I didn't want you to live carrying that guilt."
"Our en- what the hell are you talking about?" A slight note of panic in her voice, and she once again felt her heart sink.
"Oh common B'Elanna, don't stand there and tell me you haven't noticed it too." Now it was Tom's turn to be agitated.
"Noticed what?"
"B'Elanna, we aren't the same as we used to be, hell, I can barely remember the last time we had sex, let alone the last time you told me you loved me."
"You couldn't say you love me because I haven't opened my legs for you recently?!"
"What- no, that's not what I mea- Ugh!" He slammed a hand against the bulkhead. "You don't trust me anymore!"
He reached to slide both hands up her arms to get shoulders. His voice softened. "And I don't blame you for that. I failed you at a time when you needed me to notice you the most." He searched her eyes with his own, willing her to understand what he meant. "You were hurting yourself, in pain about your friends back in the AQ and I didn't see it, and ever since then we haven't been the same."
B'Elanna softened, "Tom, I-"
"No, let me finish. Please." He took her by the hand and led her to the couch, sitting beside her. "B'Elanna, I do love you, very much. But ever since we got those damned letters from home, we just haven't been the same. I pulled away from you, you pulled away from me… but you never came back. I didn't notice at first. The change was gradual. We stopped finding each other to blow off steam mid-shift, stopped spending the night together, then we stopped showing each other how we feel altogether. I thought maybe it's something all couples go through, a dry spell. Then when we took the Delta Flyer out on her first flight… I thought we'd be able to find our way back to each other. But we've barely talked or seen each other since then, and so I knew you lost your faith in me. I failed you. I figured it was only a matter of time before you broke things off…. So I couldn't say I love you in that message. I didn't want you to feel any guilt over my death. I couldn't risk you going back down that path and hurting yourself again. So. Yeah… I said so long."
They sat together in quiet for a few moments.
"Tom, I did pull away." B'Elanna broke the silence, and turned to face him. "I guess between finding out my friends died, and our falling into a rut and fighting all the time, I lost my way. But it wasn't your fault, it wasn't anyone's fault. Pulling away was just what I needed to do to figure things out. To stop being numb."
She raised a hand to cup his cheek, "I still love you, I may have stopped showing it, but I never stopped."
Tom leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers. B'Elanna moved the rest of the way to pull him into a kiss.
"I'm not sure I'm ready to go back to the way we were, but I do know I'm not going to break things off with you Tom. Unless you say so long the next time you're dying, then I'll kill you myself." She lightly punched his shoulder
He huffed a laugh. "How about we take things slow then, get to know each other again. Figure it out as we go along."
"Slow sounds nice" she stood from the couch and stretched out her hand, "But not too slow. Let's go to bed, I'll be the big spoon tonight."