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Jim and Artie were in it again. Chained up by Voltaire, they were suffering through another of Loveless' endless diatribes. California or the world, it didn't matter. They had both stopped listening after the first 2 minutes. Finally losing the fight, Artie made the mistake of yawning. The insult was not lost on Loveless. He pulled a vial from his vest pocket.
"Do you know what this is?", he asked, waving it wildly in Artie's face.
"No", Artie said lazily, "but I suppose you're going to tell us."
"I'll do better than that", Loveless laughed gleefully. "I'm going to SHOW you.Voltaire."
Suddenly Artie felt his head in the giant's vice-like grip, his jaw forced open. He was powerless to resist as Loveless poured a crystallin powder into his mouth. Jim watched helplessly as he tried vainly to spit it out, but it dissolved upon contact. The job completed, Voltaire released him. Artie felt dizzy and a little nauseous.
"You're a pillar of tact and diplomacy," gloated Loveless. "I've just stripped away that veneer of civility. From now on your true feelings will flow unfiltered from your mouth."
"Away, you 3 inch fool!", Artie replied before he could stop himself. Words began tumbling out of his mouth as though it had a mind of its own. "I'll beat thee, but I would infect my hands." Horror filled Artie's face as he tried in vain to stop the unvarnished truths pouring out from deep inside that private place everyone keeps hidden, even to themselves.
Meanwhile, Jim's initial shock had turned to silent amusement as Artie continued his verbal rant of Loveless' "best" qualities. Leave it to Artie to use Shakespearean insults, Jim chuckled to himself. Loveless, however, was decidedly not amused at bearing the brunt of Artie's biting wit. His initial shock had turned to rage as the verbal assault continued. Jim, seeing Loveless on the verge of unleashing his wrath upon a now helpless Artie, quickly decided an attempt to defuse the situation was in order. He turned to Artie and distracted him by grabbing his shoulder. Artie had all but forgotten Jim was even there and swiftly turned to face him. "I was looking for a fool, when I found you!", he growled. "Your abilities are too infant-like for doing much alone. Always getting into trouble and expecting me to show up and bail your ass out! Not this time! You're on your own! You and your insufferable macho attitude!" Jim blinked, surprised by the unexpected outburst from his best friend and partner. Cut to the quick, Jim knew he and Artie would have to deal with the consequences later. Concentrating on the task at hand, Jim surreptitiously snuck a lockpick from his boot as Artie continued his tirade. Making short work of their manacles, Jim grabbed Artie by the arm, ignoring the barrage of insults. Irritated because the jabs hit so close to home, Jim briefly considered clocking Artie one just to shut him up. "Get them!", Loveless screamed. As Voltaire made motion to block their escape, Artie turned his venom to the larger man. "All brawn and no brains." Enraged, Voltaire lunged after Artie, but Jim, needing an outlet for his shock and anger, made short work of him.
"I do desire that we may be better strangers!" Artie screamed at Loveless as Jim dragged him away to freedom.
All the way back to the train Jim was treated to an entire catalog of his faults. "I'm sick of being being treated like a sidekick rather than an equal. You've been taking advantage of me ever since our "partnership" began. I'm sick and tired of pulling your fat out of the fire." Jim was surprised and relieved when the ranting stopped as quickly as it began. He turned and caught Artie just as the older man began sliding unconscious from his horse. After securely tying Artie to the saddle, Jim continued their trek back home. Artie's words resonated through Jim's mind. Did he really take Artie for granted? Jim hadn't ever considered it but it was entirely possible. He'd always counted on Artie "just being there."
The next morning a very contrite and apprehensive Artie poked his head out from his room. He breathed a sigh of relief when no ax fell and no punches were thrown. Trepidaciously venturing his way into the parlour car, thoughts of ways to apologize to Jim were racing through his mind. Words, the cause of this debacle in the first place, were definitely not going to be sufficient. Perhaps a rare and expensive brandy. Or maybe a box of Cuban cigars and the finest gourmet meal money could buy. Unexpectedly, Artie nearly bowled Jim over as the later came bustling out of the galley with a platter full of pancakes. Slack-jawed, Artie just stared wordlessly, obviously confused by the turn of events. 'Who are you and what have you done with James West?' was foremost in his muddled brain. "Morning, Artie. I made your favorite, pancakes!", Jim exclaimed cheerfully. "Eat up before they get cold." Artie shifted uncomfortably. "Ah, Jim. About all those things I said..."
"No, Artie, I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm only sorry that it took Loveless' truth serum. Why did you think you couldn't tell me you felt that way?"
"I was afraid that if I upset the status quo you'd get mad and request a new partner", Artie sighed.
"Well from now on I'm going to make it up to you," Jim said emphatically.
" You're a lousy cook," groused Artie, spitting out a bite of pancake. Realizing he'd said that out loud, Artie turned beet red and quickly got up from his chair. It was too late. Jim looked shocked and hurt.
"I guess it hasn't worn off yet," Artie said sheepishly, obviously embarrassed. "What am I going to do?," he moaned.
Jim got an evil gleam in his eyes. "So what else can't you stand about me?"
Artie blanched. He was in for it now. He tried clasping his hands over his mouth. But traces of the drug, while weaker, still lingered in his system and soon overtook his better judgement.
"I hate being treated like a lackey. Even our enemies don't take me seriously. I want to be an equal partner," he blurted out before he could stop himself. "I'm tired of you always interrupting and ruining my dates! Everything has to be about you! I feel like just an afterthought! You parade around half-dressed! And you snore, too!"
Artie slumped defeated on the gold sofa. Everything was out in the open now. Jim would certainly be asking to have him replaced. He got up dejectedly and moved to go start packing his things.
By this time Jim's initial shock was beginning to ebb. He realized he could use the opportunity to his advantage and quickly stopped Artie before he could make his escape.
"Artie," he asked mischievously, "did you really have a Great Aunt Maude?"
Artie stammered "I..I..Yes, I did. I went to live with her after my parents were tragically killed by a buffalo stampede." Artie said, his lip trembling, sadness reflected in his eyes. "She was a great actress who performed for the crowned heads of Europe. The theater was my home and playground. I soon became famous in my own right and my Great Aunt Maude retired and became a buffalo hunter to exact revenge on them for making me an orphan."
Artie had felt the drug wearing off and decided to turn the tables on Jim, who by this time was just staring incredulously at him, with his mouth hanging open in disbelief.
"Yes, she was so good, Buffalo Bill himself asked her to join his wild west show. Her bareback riding was world famous," Artie proclaimed proudly. "I've never forgotten her sacrifices and the pearls of wisdom she taught me," he said with a twinkle in his eyes.
"That's incredible Artie but it can't possibly be true, but the drug...." Jim fell silent, trying to digest what he'd just heard. He was terribly confused.
"Guess you'll just have to take my word for it" Artie said smugly.
And Jim wisely never dared to bring up the subject of Artie's childhood ever again.