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Head placed on his lap, you’re seconds away from dozing off to sleep, as per the usual routine in your shared apartment with Chifuyu. It’s another night where he drags you into the living room to pull an all-nighter with him, which always ends the same way. Him flipping the pages of his book to let you keep up before you’re dozing off, having been too sleepy that he lets you rest on his lap instead. Until, that is, he pulls another one of his tricks to intentionally push your buttons.
“Chifuyu.” You warn, fists balling beside you as the boy hums innocently. Although you couldn’t see him due to your vision being blocked, you could picture his mischievous smile much too clearly.
“Yes?”
“Get your manga off my face.”
“Or what?”
“Or I’ll prepare breakfast for myself only. You can cook by yourself.”
Chifuyu snorts. Retrieving the manga, you come face to face with his smirk, taken aback for a moment by his handsomeness despite waking up to that same face for many years now.
“Please, all you do is pour milk on the cereals, you don’t—” sitting up, you tackle him. Or more like attempt to because Chifuyu didn’t join a gang in his younger reasons for no reason, his strong muscles still present as he easily flips you onto his lap, locking all your joints with his. “Oh no, you don’t!” he laughs when you attempt to wriggle away from his hold, successfully knocking his manga off the couch. “Hey! What if you ripped my manga apart, huh? Are you going to buy me a new one and take responsibility for it?”
“You’re the one who smooshed it on my face! I could’ve suffocated!”
Chifuyu rolls his eyes, further annoying you that he’s now planted you right into his lap, your faces a hairsbreadth away from each other. Tempting as it may be to reach forward to knock his head with yours – or you know, steal a kiss – he still never fails to get on your nerves.
“You’re such a drama queen.”
“And you’re mean to me,” you retort, wiggling your shoulders to try and break free. Chifuyu doesn’t let up one bit, his smirk nothing less of cocky when he pulls you closer to him, noses grazing against the other. In this proximity, you could count his lashes, upper and bottom row as well as count the barely visible freckles dotting his cheeks, but you don’t. You don’t because it’s weird to stare at him so openly, especially when your gaze is more adoring than of distaste. So, you sigh and slump in defeat, always weak when it comes to him. “Chifuyu, let me go.”
“No. You’re going to mess with me again,” he says, watching with wary eyes as you manage to free one hand squished between your chests. Chifuyu’s gaze is hawk-like until your fingers thread through his hair, nails slightly digging into his scalp. “Oh,” he purrs with eyes closed. “That’s…nice.”
“You’re like a cute little cat,” you coo, “Does Chifuyu enjoy head pats? Awww, so adowable!”
“You think I’m cute?”
Your smile drops. Here you were, trying to tease him, only to have your plan backfire with a single wink that sends heat spreading all over your skin. And what better way to hide your emotions than place your palm over his face, an unimpressed smile sent his way? “Get over yourself,” you snort, “You’re still not gonna let me go?”
“Nah, I quite like it here. It’s comfy and you smell good.”
“Creep.”
“Says the one who I caught sniffing my shirt the other day.”
The back of your neck burns. “I told you I was doing laundry! Besides, you should head them straight to the bin if it’s dirty. You ought to clean your room more,” you begin to scold him, head falling forwards to rest on his shoulder. If he had no intention to let you go, then might as well make yourself comfortable and bury yourself deeper into his soothing touch – no matter how much you claimed he pissed you off.
“Jeez, you’re so irresponsible, Chifuyu. What would you do without me?”
“That’s a question I’d really rather not know the answer to,” his words ring so quiet you almost don’t hear it. However, you don’t have the time to question it when he’s tapping your cheek, his smile way too bright for someone who’s supposed to be asleep because they have a class in four hours. “Hey, wanna build a pillow fort?”
“It’s three in the morning, ‘Fuyu. Let’s go to bed.”
Chifuyu blinks owlishly at you for a minute before he lets you go, disappearing into his own room faster than you could say good night. Well, it’s not like it’s a big deal anyway, so you retreat into your own, about to plop down on the bed after applying lip balm when a figure catapults into your mattress.
Right there, swallowed by his own pillows and blanket, Chifuyu beams at you, his hair tied into a small bun at the top.
You glare at him. “And who said you’re invited? You have your own room, Matsuno.”
“You said let’s go to bed, so here I am,” he shrugs innocently, then pats the space beside him before stretching his arms wide open.
The gesture is enough to send tingles all the way down your spine, half because he’s so damn adorable and you want nothing more than to jump at his offer, but half because you worry he might hear the racing of your heart in the silence of the night. It’s then that you realize you’ve been standing there for too long that Chifuyu mistakes your passiveness for rejection, to which he frowns. “Aw, come on, don’t you want cuddles from your best friend? I promise one hug from me is all it takes to keep the nightmares at bay. You’ll have the best sleep of your life.”
In an instant, all tingles disappear. No more butterflies in your stomach. Just dread.
Best friend. Right, that’s all you were to him, and that’s all you will be. Just like how you have been stuck to the hip since you were in your diapers because your families have decided you’ll be the best of friends, nothing will change about it. It doesn’t matter that you’re the one who is there for him no matter what. You’re just his best friend.
And that’s a bitter pill you’ve been swallowing ever since the day you crushed on him. Hard.
“Let me guess,” you tap your chin in thought, seeing as it’s much easier to go with the flow than offer a window where he could see what lies within. Not that he needs to know, anyway. “Peke J hogged your bed.”
Caught red-handed, Chifuyu scratches the back of his head. “You know I can’t make him move.”
“Sometimes I wonder if you’re the master or the pet,” you sigh, your sock-clad feet padding to the bed that dips with your weight, inching closer to where Chifuyu’s warmth laid. “Scoot. And put your arms around me properly. You nearly choked me in your sleep the last time.”
“My bad,” he chuckles before extending his arm under your head to use as a pillow, the other looping around your waist instead of around your neck this time around. “This feel okay? You comfortable?”
I am, you want to say, if only you held me like a lover instead of a friend, but we can’t always get what we want.
“Very,” is what you say out loud, the small smile you wear contented. You tell yourself that it’s fine to not be the one he likes. That it’s okay if he doesn’t look at you the same way you look at him, because at the end of the day, a strong friendship still meant the whole world to you. Having Chifuyu, being with Chifuyu, even if it’s not in the way you’d like to be, is a great thing nonetheless.
“Chifuyu Matsuno is my personal teddybear.”
“I have come to a point where I’ve been reduced to nothing but a teddy bear, huh?” Chifuyu cries crocodile tears behind you, his arms tightening around your waist. “Well, if it makes you happy, then I’ve got no complaints. Plus—”
“Chifuyu, please shut up, I’m trying to sleep.”
“Want a lullaby?”
“No.”
“How about—” clamping a palm flat on his mouth, you feel him laugh behind the skin. It doesn’t take long before he finally shuts up and closes his eyes, his warm breath tickling the nape of your neck. It’s comfortable though, and you never want to move, much less wake up. Because at least here, in this moment, you can allude yourself that Chifuyu is yours in the way you want. Because here, in the privacy of your own heart, you’ll know no fear. No rejection. No heartbreak.
There is safety in your silence.
There is serenity in having your heart locked away, even when the person who owns it has fallen asleep beside you, the pads of his lips faintly tickling the back of your ear.
I love you, you whisper into nothingness, following Chifuyu into dream land afterwards.
“Seriously? This early in the morning?” a deep voice calls out from the living room, reaching all the way to your ears until you’re stirring in Chifuyu’s arms, the latter still deep in sleep with drool pooling on the sides of his mouth. Nasty. Nasty but cute. But still nasty.
“You guys should date already. It’s sickening at this point to see you all over each other like a bunch of idiots.”
Eyes trailing over the tall figure leaning against the doorframe, you fall back on the bed with a sigh. “Oh, it’s you. What do you want?”
“I thought you’d be less cranky because you shared a bed with Chifuyu.”
“We’ve been sharing beds since we were kids, Keisuke, you were there too.”
“Yeah, until you kicked me out because you want Chifuyu all to yourself,” Keisuke smirks, wiggling his brows at you as he forms heart shapes with his hands.
Now, that look he has on his face, you know it all too well. Being his childhood friend meant you’ve long picked up on the signs he’s up to no good, which makes you spring out of bed the next second, pushing the raven haired man out and into the kitchen where he can’t disturb Chifuyu. The whole time, Keisuke just laughs, the vibrations of his back reaching your palms.
“Got a mad crush that’s been raging until now, huh? I don’t know if it’s cute or pitiful, actually.”
“Did you come here just to ruin my day?” crossing your arms against your chest, you narrow your eyes at him. “You don’t have to remind me that.”
“Remind you what?”
“That he doesn’t like me!”
Keisuke slaps his knees as he bursts into a fit of laughter, dark hair flying past his shoulders from the movement. “He doesn’t – you think he doesn’t like you?! That’s hilarious. That really is. This is the most entertainment I’ve had in weeks,” he wipes a stray tear before plopping on the kitchen counters, your protests to keep his ass off where food is prepared completely ignored. As usual. “Life would’ve been more fun if the three of us became roommates like the good old days, you know? We’d all stay up all night playing games and telling each other horror stories like when we were kids.”
“It was your choice to room with Kazutora!”
“Because I know I’ll get in the way between the two of you,” he grimaces, “And ah, now that I think about it, I don’t want to room with you two idiots. You’re just going to act and fight like a married couple then pretend nothing’s weird.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Keisuke shakes his head to himself, smiling like he knew something you didn’t. “Friendly advice,” he pats your shoulder, growing too serious that was unlike him. “You should confess to him. Tell him you love him.”
“See, I always knew you were insane, but this is crazy! Me, confess to him, and ruin everything? I’m not risking it,” you defend with your hands flying out everywhere. Keisuke only watches you as you get a glass of cold water – hopefully cold enough to wake you and your system up as a reminder you’re back to reality and away from dreamland – his lips pressed into a thin line. “Plus, it’s going to be so awkward. I don’t want that.”
“It’s only awkward when you act that way around him.”
You pinch the bridge of your nose. “Keisuke, I’m scared. He and I are friends and it’s – it’s…I don’t know. I can’t do it.”
“It’s perfectly normal to be afraid, but if you keep letting that fear get the best of you, you’re not going to get anywhere. Things might slip away from your fingers faster than you realize if you don’t do something about it.”
“He doesn’t like me like that.”
“How’re you so sure?”
“Because! I know him. I’m not his type.”
“He’s my friend too and so are you,” Keisuke states, stealing the glass from you and taking a sip of it. Like a switch has been flipped, Keisuke reverts back into his usual self that you know, rummaging through the fridge like he owned everything inside. “Have a little faith, Y/N. Just give it a try.”
“Confess to who?”
Jumping in your spot, you come face to face with a sleepy Chifuyu rubbing his eyes, his hair sticking out in different directions. When once his sleepy morning self constantly makes you coo and feel warm on the inside, now his presence just has you wishing the ground would open up and swallow you whole.
“You’re awake! H-how long have you been standing there?”
“Just now,” he yawns, “Are you guys fighting again? Is Keisuke making fun of you?”
“Why am I always the bad guy?! I came here with peyoung yakisoba and you accuse me of this!”
“I told you to stop teasing her, Keisuke.”
Arms wrapped around your shoulders, Chifuyu snatches the yakisoba and leads you into the living room in one swift motion, whispering with a husky voice in your ear to not pay attention to his best friend. Meanwhile, Keisuke is left alone with nothing but water, forced to witness as you basically glue yourself next to Chifuyu, basking in the attention and care he dotes on you with.
“Aw, well ain’t that cute,” Keisuke throws his hand to the air in frustration, “Goddamned lovebirds.”
You may or may not have underestimated Keisuke. But could you be blamed?! The guy does plenty of questionable things like committing arson out of hunger – of course you’d have trust issues. Which is why you never took heed to his words, until it’s too late and the situation is confronting you head on. Because right in front of you, Chifuyu is styling his hair to perfection, accidentally spritzing on too much perfume that you can smell him all the way from the bathroom.
“You’re…what?”
“Going on a date,” he answers from afar, “We share a few classes together, so I don’t really know her well, but she’s super nice. She lends me her notes when she notices I’m not listening,” his chuckle is nervous, hands shaky in adjusting that fluffy cashmere sweater you got him for his birthday, which is also the exact same outfit he decides to wear for his date. The date that came out of nowhere just when you think things can’t get worse than it already is.
Closing the door, Chifuyu wrings his hands before you. “Uh, anyways, I should go.”
“Where are you guys meeting up?”
“Just a cute cafe near the uni. Nothing too special,” he informs you, though his attention is into his phone, probably texting the girl he’ll be meeting up with. The girl who he’ll spend time with while you’re left alone in your apartment with the promise of a game night gone down the drain. “I’ll try and be home before eleven, but I can’t make any promises if I end up having fun.”
“Oh,” you mumble, choosing to pet Peke J to comfort yourself. “Well, uh, alright. Have fun and stay safe. Text me if you need anything or if you need backup if it turns into a disaster.”
Chifuyu nods before looking up from his phone, brows knitting in worry. “You okay? You look pale.”
No, you were not okay. The selfish side of you wants to tell him not to go. The impulsive side of you is biting the rope by resisting the urge to confess right here, right now. Thankfully, your logical side overpowers both sides as you clear your unexpectedly dry throat, cuddling Peke J closer to your chest as he purrs. “Yeah, I’m fine, just tired from classes,” you smile reassuringly, cheeks aching from how hard you bit it to stop yourself from crying. As much as you didn’t want him to go, you don’t have the right to tell him that – “You should go now, you don’t want to keep her waiting!”
“Cool. I’ll see you later,” Chifuyu nods, albeit hesitantly. Leaning down to the cat’s level, he scratches the underside of his chin, blue eyes holding something unreadable. “Peke J, watch over Y/N for me, okay? I’ll be home soon.”
Until then, it’s too late. Chifuyu’s already left, and you could no longer contain your tears the moment the door slams shut.
“Hey,” a breathy voice whispers, warm fingers trailing over your cheek until you’re slowly pulled out of dreamland, greeted by a cool pair of eyes that gazes over you in a fretting manner. Chifuyu. He’s home, and it’s past midnight. “Why’re you asleep out here? You’re going to get a stiff neck from this angle…”
You crack a lazy smile and lean into his touch. “Welcome home.”
“I’m home,” Funny, you think, how two simple words could have that much effect on your heart. “Were you waiting for me?”
Humming, you make space when Chifuyu sits close to you, his lips pulled into a frown the whole time. You don’t know why or what pulls you to do the next thing, but maybe it’s because your heart’s been bled dry to a point you can’t be hurt anymore after this. Maybe it’s the sleep talk – you don’t really know. All you know is that it’s now or never, and you’ve had enough regrets to miss this moment, even if it’s too late.
“Chifuyu…I’m in love with you.”
The hand that’s caressing the sides of your head freezes, his gaze darting down to your lips that moves on its own. Each fibre in your body screamed at you to stop, to not add further damage to what you’ve already started, but you couldn’t keep it in anymore. The words just poured.
“I-I’ve always crushed on you since we were kids; so much so that Keisuke and Kazu noticed, but I begged them not to tell you. To be honest, I don’t know when this crush turned into something more. All I know is that I do love you, and I’m really sorry for ruining our friendship. I should’ve just shut up but Keisuke got to me. He’s one persistent bastard,” you end with a dry chuckle, hiccupping afterwards from a sob. It doesn’t long before Chifuyu throws an arm over his eyes, his shoulders shaking from what you assume was him crying.
“Chifuyu? What’s wrong?”
Was this it? Have you truly ruined everything?
Before you could have the chance to breakdown, Chifuyu is crushing you into a hug. This time, you learn the vibrations from his chest are not from tears, but bubbling laughter. “You can’t just tell me that and expect me to stay calm,” he cried out, “I love you too – so much that it’s actually embarrassing.”
“What?”
Chifuyu keeps you crushed to his chest when you tried pulling back to look at him. The slight dip and shake of his voice lets you know he’s just as nervous as you were, if not more because his hands are shaking. “Kazutora was insisting that I should confess but…I chickened out when I heard you talking with Baji this morning. I really thought you liked someone else and that I didn’t stand a chance with you anymore.”
“Dumbass,” you flicked his forehead, “It’s you, of course it’s you. Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“I can ask you the same thing! Why didn’t you tell me you were hopelessly in love with me, huh? We could’ve gotten this over with sooner,” you rolled your eyes at his choice of his words, but smiled nonetheless, unable to contain the glee threatening to burst from you until – “Do you have any idea how hard it is that you’re so close yet so far away? I’ve been wanting to kiss you for ages.”
Kiss?
You grow mum, head blank. The literal definition of no thoughts, head empty. “You can – uh – you can do it now. Try it, I mean. If you want, that is,” you cleared your throat, gesturing to your lips with the most awkward attempt of a pout that you’re sure looks like you’re having stomach ache instead. “Like, kiss me…if you want.”
Chifuyu purses his lips to contain his laughter. “This is so awkward. I’m getting second hand embarrassment from you.”
“Yeah, so shut up, you’re making it worse!”
“Is the offer still on the table though?” he suddenly leans forward, driving you to inch back on the armrest of the couch, cornered and trapped by his strong arms planted beside you. In this position, you’re under his mercy, breath held in fear one wrong move and you’ll explode. “Can I still kiss you?”
“L-Later when I’m ready!” you drag him by the collar, the boy on top of you letting out an ‘oof’ when he falls on top of you. “Just hug me for now. And don’t complain that your arms are getting too tired because I’m not planning on letting you go from now on. We’re going to be glued in this couch if that’s what it takes.”
“So clingy already? That’s cute.”
“You’re not any better. I can barely move.”
“Good, because I don’t plan on letting go either,” Nuzzling into your neck, Chifuyu adjusts you both. Sprawled all over the sofa, you embrace each other in a tight grip, his arms wound around your waist and yours on his neck, breaths mixing as your hearts synced in beat. Corny as it may be, you no longer stop the lovesick smile you send his way, cheeks aching from how large you smiled. Chifuyu, too, seemed to be on a high. “I love you, idiot.”
“How romantic,” you snorted, but make no mistake; the confession has your stomach doing flips and tumbles. “I love you too, dork.”
“Just so you know,” Chifuyu pipes in with a cocky smile, bending his elbow to rest his chin on his hands as he looks down at you. “I’m confident in my makeout skills. I’ll have you melting into me in exactly…five minutes. So prepare yourself. I’m going to give you The Boyfriend Kiss.”
“Gosh, you’re so cringy. I’m regretting confessing already.”
Chifuyu’s shoulders drop in disappointment, a puppy pout taking place. “You don’t want The Boyfriend Kiss?”
“I do want it,” you laugh at him and squeeze his cheeks, going for the first move as your lips dance with his. The whole time, you feel him smile through the kiss even as he squeezes your hip, eliciting a giggle from you which he easily swallows. And in a way, you’re thankful he’s gone on that date if it meant leading to this bliss, but most of all, you make a mental note to thank Keisuke for this later.
Turns out The Boyfriend Kiss came with a price of a tiny bit of angst.