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I hate not being able to just walk in that school and see everything clearly.
I guess I could find an excuse to talk to Juleka, but she knows me better and I really don’t know how to explain this to her.
I don’t even know how to explain this to myself. It feels like my guitar understands this situation more than I do, and that’s really worrisome.
I don’t know if, from where I am, people can see me. I mean, if we are talking about the ones walking on the sidewalk I’m in, sure. But it’s the ones inside the institution that I’m worried about.
But, at the same time I am afraid that they can see me here, I am not. I’m getting used to being invisible to some.
I’m getting used to being invisible to her.
My heart races when I see her with her dark hair running down the street. The bell is ringing and I’m really not surprised to see that she is late. I laugh alone when she stops in front of the school, catching her breath to be able to climb the stairs. My instinct wants me to go there, hold her books and just stare at her details one more time.
The way the memories of her face are fading away from my memory scares me. I feel like I am losing the only thing I have left of her and there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do to be closer to her again. To see her eyes showing all the things her mouth is not saying. To hold her hands while she’s talking to make them stop moving all the time, because she is always fearing that something is going to happen. To laugh at the way her face blushes when she says something she shouldn’t have.
I miss every single moment of that. Whenever I see her, I feel my heart missing a beat and slowly closing, making me feel dizzy. But nothing can compare to what I feel when I see that .
All the things I don’t do — because I am too busy thinking about the things I should be doing —, Adrien Agreste does. And I can’t even say I hate him, because I don’t.
He is a cool guy and is always doing the right things, saying the right words, being the right person. That should be enough for me to feel irritated by how perfect he seems to be. But his life is the last thing that worries me. It’s the way he is good for her that makes me unable to hate the boy.
How am I supposed to dislike someone that makes her have that look on her face?
I guess I should be asking the right questions. Why her eyes don’t shine like that when she looks at me? Why did she never seem to get lost in words when we were together? All the feelings inside her heart were towards him? Could that be? Has she ever felt something, anything, for me?
Does she have any space left for me?
He is right there, besides her, smiling and probably making her feel more breathless than before.
There it is. The one thing that I hate in Adrien.
How can he not notice?
She loses herself every time he is around and I feel like I can hear her heart beating faster only by seeing he’s there or even by only listening to his name. How can he be around her almost every day and not realize all the things that I am seeing even though I’m meters away, and he’s closer to her — in every way — than I ever was?
I want to leave, but I feel like my legs can’t move and my feet refuse to leave the ground. My heart is telling me to run away but my head insists on making me stay there and watch.
I sigh as they climb the stairs together. I reach for my bike but I only walk beside it, not actually on it. My eyes are glued at their back and it’s like I can see her smiling, even though her face is hidden from me.
Sometimes I wish I could be him. Only for a few moments, like these. Where I could feel how it was like being next to her knowing that she is there, talking to me and not thinking about anything else.
I knew I never had that kind of moment with her. Maybe I’ll never have one.
I get on my bicycle when they disappear through the door and just move without any real destination. I only pay attention to my surroundings to make sure I’m not going to get hurt. The band has rehearsal today and the fact that I’ll be able to play with everyone makes my heart calm and I feel relieved.
At least I know she’ll be there. Probably not for me, but she will be there.
And I really want to see her again.
☘☘☘
“You came home early” I say to Juleka, who just lied down on our sofa.
“Our teacher had to leave for an appointment. We were going to stay together at the park, but Marinette and Alya had something to do, so…”
“What about Rose?”
“Her mom called, she had to go home.”
“Oh, that’s a pity. She’s cute.”
“Yeah, she is” she smiles, looking at the television even though nothing is on.
I smirk and go to the kitchen, opening the cabinets to see what I should make for lunch.
“Mom didn’t come home yet?”
“No, and I’ve been here almost all day. She said she was going to have a busy week…”
“Yeah… and I know you left home.”
“Huh?”
“I saw you” she says, picking an apple from the fridge “at school? You were in front of that dress store.”
“Oh… you did?”
“Yeah. You dyed your hair last week, it’s pretty hard not to see you.”
“Apparently not so hard…” I whisper while I try to find the knife to cut the salad. Juleka stops in front of me and sighs. “What?”
“Why don’t you just talk to her? I mean, things would be easier…”
“What would be easier, Ju? And what should I say? I’m sorry, would you be so kind to stop loving Adrien and fall for me instead?”
“It’s not like that… she likes you, but…”
“But, but, but. I know there’s a but. You don’t need to remind me” I start cutting the carrot and I see my sister biting her lips, probably regretting what she said “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. It’s just…”
“Hey, I know. Really.”
“It’s like if Rose started dating someone and there was nothing you could do about it, you know?”
We had already talked about her feelings for Rose, but every time I bring this specific matter up, she always shuts down. Her skin gets pale and she has to take a deep breath to answer me. It’s always really hard for Juleka to open up with someone and when she does it’s once in a lifetime. I just try my best to make her remember that I will always be here and that I will love and protect her no matter what.
“That would hurt.”
“Yeah.”
She sighs one more time and lies back on the couch, swallowing the apple after chewing it for some seconds.
“But still… I think it’s worth the try.”
“Why? Did she tell you something?”
“No… she’s actually really busy these past days. We haven’t had a real talk in ages, especially since…”
She stops talking and I just nod, understanding what she meant. She never wants to talk about the times she was akumatized, even though most of us have been. We can’t really remember anything, but it’s hard to recognize the villain that appears in every news on TV. And it’s really hard to escape from the fear of becoming that person again.
“You think she’s okay now?” I ask, a little bit worried.
“Well… she looks okay to me.”
"That 's good.”
I move silently in the kitchen, feeling Juleka’s eyes burning on my back. I hate to think that she may be worried about me, but what else can I do? I can’t pretend to be fine 24 hours.
“Do you think you can be with us today? During rehearsal?”
“Yes, I’m fine. This feeling…” I move my hands in front of my chest, trying to make them show something my voice can’t “will disappear eventually.”
Juleka smiles and I pay attention to the food, trying to let go of those weird feelings, at least while she is here.
☘☘☘
Marinette is here.
The sound of her voice makes my heart race and I can’t stop overthinking every single part of me. How is my face? Are my eyes giving out every little feeling I’m having? Should I go up to her?
“Hello, Marinette!” Adrien says, and just like that I shut myself down.
“Hey everyone! Hi A-drien…”
“Come! There’s a seat here” Alya says, calling Marinette and looking at me with the corner of her eye.
I already thought about going to Alya and telling her everything I keep to myself, because I know that, if she was to tell Marinette anything, it would be only the important and meaningful things that came out of my mouth.
Rose starts the count in the microphone and I close my eyes, seeing all the notes of the song we were going to play pass through my head like a movie. My fingers touch the cords and I’m taken to another reality, another universe. It feels like no one else is there, where I’m with my own self and nothing else.
Until I open my eyes, and the first thing I see is her.
Looking at him.
I feel my lips shaking, but I was never one to cry in front of people. I put myself back together faster than the other times, already getting kind of used to that situation.
But even though it started to become something common and frequent, it didn’t mean it stopped hurting.
I look down to my guitar and try to pay attention to the sounds it is making, but I look up one more time before giving up.
And she’s looking at me.
I find her eyes and they show me that she’s happy, pleased, maybe impressed. I’ve seen that look before, and they were once directed to me.
Right now, maybe that’s the only thing that is mine.
I feel alive until the end of the song, enjoying every single part of it like it’s the last time I’m going to play. All of our friends start clapping and I smile when she laughs so vividly that I can listen from all across the boat.
It’s really hard not to be hung upon her when she’s around. Every time she’s close, I feel like there’s some invisible energy drawing me to her and I can’t seem to make it stop. It’s there all the time.
Everyone leaves our made-up stage and I’m the only one left. Juleka prepared a table full of juice and appetizers after we had lunch, so everyone was eating and talking. When everyone is that excited, I know we won’t be playing again, so I just unplug my guitar and go to my room to put it in its place.
“Luka, can you show me the bathroom? I know you’ve said it to me a lot of times… I’m just scared I might end up in the wrong room. Again.”
My heart makes me feel like the way she says my name out loud is different than everyone else’s. And I know it is. When is this going to get easier?
“The brown door beside the kitchen, Mari” I smile, feeling relieved to see that she’s really here. I’m not going crazy.
Yet.
“It’s been a while since you called me Mari… I like it!”
“Really?”
“Yeah” she smiles and goes to the bathroom, only washing her hands and coming back “it’s a pretty nickname.”
“It really is… but I like your name too. It’s… unique.”
“You think so?” She sits on my bed and I have to dodge my eyes to the other side, finally putting my guitar in its place and taking a deep breath. “My mom says she and my dad got into an instant agreement when Marinette came up.”
“Yeah, it was meant to be for you” I say, smiling as I sit beside her.
“You were really good today” she says after some seconds that seemed to take forever “Like, you are always good, but today was more than good. It was perfect! You are really talented, Luka.”
“Oh” I whisper, feeling the smile on my face growing a little bit more as I realize the compliment. “Thank you, Mari. It means a lot.”
“It’s only the truth.”
“You know… I don’t know if you’re going to remember… that day when you were a little bit down, and I played for you and said that was how a girl like you should feel like?”
“Hm… yes, yes I do! Wait, is it…?”
“Yeah, it’s the song we played today.”
“I knew I knew it from somewhere! It turned out amazing!”
“You really liked it?” I ask, searching for her eyes.
“Of course! You are always making good music.”
“Well, that one was for you so I’m glad you feel this way.”
I can see the exact moment that she blushes with my confession. She looks down and I start to question if I have ever seen anything as pretty as her. Her bangs are perfectly brushed and I forgot how her hair looks a little bit blue from up close. Just a little bit like mine, but darker. Her cheeks still have some red in them and her lips are still as beautiful as I remember.
“You don’t have to… to do that.”
“It’s fine. It’s still a beautiful song, isn’t it?”
“Yes… yes, it is”
I face her eyes and I just lose myself in them, like I’m getting hypnotized. I have no idea of how my expression is right now, but I’m pretty sure that my face says all the things I want to say.
“I miss you” I whisper, more to myself than to her. It’s a subconscious thing and I regretted saying it the same second the words came out of my mouth. I look away when she does the same, not exactly sure if I want to hear her answer.
“Hey… I miss you too, but…”
“I know. Don’t worry.”
From the corner of my eye, I see her biting her lips, probably feeling uncomfortable.
I’m sure Adrien never made her feel that way.
“Marinette, where are you?” Alya screams, coming down to the house.
“I’m here…”
“Oh…” Alya says when she comes into the room “I’m sorry, it’s just that everyone is going to get ice cream, so…”
“Oh, yeah, sure!” she gets up and looks at me, breathing deeply “Are you coming?”
“Yeah, let me just…”
“Ok” she says, leaving the room in a hurry.
I feel all the weight on my body as I lie down on my bed. I close my eyes and breathe out all the air inside me, trying to leave all that worrying to the wind.
I needed a little more strength. Just for a little bit more time.
My day will turn out okay. I will survive.
☘☘☘
The ice cream wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Everyone was talking, so it was really fun. It’s good to hear them talk so passionately about anything… I guess I feel like that because they are younger than me. There’s some beauty in the way they talk, hug, smile, and even though I know I have been there, I feel that when I’m with them I can come back to being someone free, juvenile and happy.
It’s a good feeling.
Our mom came back just in time for dinner. We ate together, talked about all kinds of stuff and everyone went to sleep, but I just played the record of Jagged Stone’s concert on my cell phone and watched it all over again. Juleka felt while reading a book and she was so tired that she didn’t even get up to put it in its place; the book was just laying next to her, open and moving from page to page as it was almost falling. I get up and smile as I take the book and carefully put it on her writing table.
I sigh as I go to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water, moving to the deck of the ship.
Even though most people think it’s weird to live every day like you’re on a cruise, even though I’m not actually on the ocean, only on the river, I actually find great things about it, and not quite something that makes me complain. There’s nothing in this world that I love more than the breeze in this spot and the view is also amazing. All the houses and all the city lights, not to mention the fact that, every time I step out of our home, I see the top of the Eiffel tower shining in the night.
It’s one of my favorite things in the world.
The first thing I see is the moon shining over my head, as bright as I have ever seen, giving me a feeling like it's smiling to me. And it really could be. People have been all over the internet saying how getting closer to nature lowers your chances of getting akumatized, and I thought I could give it a try.
Last time that it happened, Marinette was close. So close. She could have been hurt.
Not that she would have, obviously.
My cell phone says that it’s almost 4am, and with it, there’s a warning in my notifications.
Someone had been akumatized.
“Hey, Luka!” I hear a whisper and see Claire, my neighbor, by the window, hidden and clearly afraid “Go back inside, did you see?”
“Yes, but I didn’t hear anything. Are they sure? It’s normally really… loud”
“I know, right? Maybe it’s something silent again…” she says and I hold my breath, even though I know she said that without the intention. I see her eyes slowly opening up, realizing what just came out of her mouth. “Oh my gosh, Luka, I’m so sorry. I didn’t… You were, right? The silent one last year? Sorry…”
“It’s okay, don’t worry” I give her a warm smile, trying not to show my discomfort with all the memories that talk gave me. My phone beeps with a message and I sigh as I read it:
Ladybug and Chatnoir ended up saving Paris again! Our city is, once again, safe and sound! Our heroes are perfectly fine and in tomorrow’s news we will show you everything. Thank you, Ladybug! Thank you, Chatnoir!
“Oh, thank God.” Claire says, smiling “Thankfully we have them, right?”
“Yes… thankfully!” I smile back and she waves a goodbye, closing her curtain. I look at the top of the Eiffel tower and wait. Just wait.
I know they will come.
After some minutes, I see both of them jumping from one building to another. Apparently, they still had some time left before going back to normal, since they both sat on the top of the tower. I take my camera and zoom it in, to have a better view.
Ladybug was moving her legs, probably laughing at something Chatnoir said. He’s always very nice and funny. I guess that’s what makes them such a great team. They both are different in every possible way, but there’s one thing that brings them together, and that is the way that they are both ready and prepared to deal with all the problems Shadowmoth makes.
Chatnoir is always trying to make Ladybug laugh, and most of the time he succeeds in it.
I wish I could have that same effect on her.
It’s clear that Chatnoir is in love with Ladybug. I can see it. I know it because I have the same look in my eyes as he has in his.
And she looks at him just like she looks at me. As a friend that maybe could become something more, but not right now. Probably never.
Because she is just too in love with Adrien.
Whenever someone is akumatized, I watch my surroundings to see if she will come to give me Sass — I like that Kwami so much, it’s like he understands every single part of me and completes anything that is blank — and makes me even more sure of everything that I think I know.
It’s better to be uncertain, that way, I can never put her in risk.
When her hands touched mine for the first time, when I felt the heat of her body close to me, I already started questioning. When I started paying attention to the way her eyes were under the mask, I started to think that maybe I was seeing things that weren’t there.
But then I started to connect the points.
During the short period of time we were together, Marinette always left before the message warning about the danger beeped, and always came back after everything was alright with some excuse that I pretended to believe.
I know I turned into Truth because of her. I just wanted her to trust me. I just wanted to be sure that I was right. To end all these voices in my head once and for all, to be able to finally understand why she had to be so busy all the time.
To see if she wasn’t just running away from me.
Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here for you.
That’s what I told her the night we broke up, over that bridge that I have to cross almost every day and makes me remember that promise. And it hurts to know that I really mean it. I wish I could just get over her and finally move on.
But every week she’s out there, saving someone. And every week I see a little more of Marinette in Ladybug, and a little more Ladybug in Marinette.
But I can never be sure. I can’t and I won’t. It’s too dangerous.
But, still, I wish I had any idea of who he was.
I wish it was me.
How will I be able to be with her when she has Adrien Agreste and Chat Noir in her heart as well? How can I compete with both?
“There’s no competition” I whisper, putting the camera on its place and seeing from far away both of them still sitting on the tower “I will never come close. To any of them.”
My cell phone says it's 4am.
And I wish I was the one laughing with her right now.
“Whenever you’re ready, Ladybug. Whenever you’re ready."