Archive of Our Own ^beta

It's noisy.

The drift, that is.

It wasn't particularly loud, just barely above a whisper really, but it was a myriad of voices. A constant cacophony of sound that Yuuta had become accustomed to over the years.

He might even dare say that it was comforting in a way.

The familiar hum of his and Toge's memories flowing nonstop between the two of them like a soft chatter, linking their minds and emotions, and then finally, connecting their bodies into a perfect synchronization.

That last bit makes Yuuta's face warm ever so slightly.

Through the drift Yuuta and Toge become one. 

It brings them closer than two people could ever wish to be, all of their thoughts, hopes, dreams, and fears are shared between them both. Standing side by side, they open up their minds on complete display to one another, placing their trust that the other will accept those memories and connect. In an instant, their entire lives flash before each other's eyes, snippets of days, weeks, months, and years worth of life pass by them in the matter of only a couple of seconds. Time after time, Yuuta had done this with Toge, but it always proved to be utterly overwhelming. 

Overwhelming, but also precious.

Every time he drifted with Toge it felt like a brand-new experience. When they entered the conn-pod, it was exciting and nerve racking, and when the process itself was occurring, all at once it was too much but also too little. Yuuta couldn't get enough, searching through Toge's mind and feeling the other do the same, their emotional link getting stronger and stronger. Through it all, he couldn't help from wanting more.

Know more, see more, learn more.

Call him selfish, but Yuuta always wanted more of Toge.

As his mind unconsciously lingers on a memory of Rika, he can hear Toge's voice telling him to just "let it flow."

This part, too, had become a normal occurrence when they drifted. 

Though, unlike their first time, Toge is able to get Yuuta to relax, get him to accept that the past for what it was and help him move on. With that reassurance, Yuuta was no longer tempted to chase the rabbit. 

The small blip over, their readings go back to normal.

Their neural handshake, as per usual, holds strong and steady. 

A testament to their trust in each other, the entire process only takes a few brief seconds. 

Over the intercom, Yuuta thinks he might hear Panda saying something. What it is, he doesn't know, his full attention falls on Toge, watching as he finishes calibrating the right side of their jaeger while he does the same on the left. When both hemispheres are ready to go, they give each other a high five as they always did before being dispatched. It was a habit they developed after their very first kill together, something that, over time, developed into their own personal good luck charm. 

In response to their high five, the jaeger itself brings both of its giant mechanical hands together, striking a pose that makes it look like it's praying.

The very first time they did it, all the technicians in LOCCENT laughed.

Panda in particular teased them about the pose after they came back, and while admittedly embarrassed, Yuuta thought the pose was fitting. He and Toge got to high five and their jaeger would do a metaphorical prayer for them.

Full disclosure, with all the death and destruction Yuuta had seen, he wasn't sure he believed in a God anymore, but he thanked Vengeful Thorn with his entire heart every time she brought himself and Toge back safe and in one piece. 

Marshal Masamichi Yaga gives them directions over the intercom, a simple yet firm, "Protect the miracle mile off Tokyo." 

With that, the two of them nod at each other as they step out into the loading area, waiting for transportation to hook them up and fly them to position. 

The drift was strong today, even more so than usual.

Their connection pure and unobstructed. 

Smiling at each other, they prepare to risk their lives once again.

.

.

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Report—

Tokyo, October 29, 2024

Kaiju

Codename: Zomba

Category 3

Appeared near the coastline at around 03:00 

Jaeger Vengeful Thorn was promptly dispatched and successfully 

eliminated the kaiju before it could make landfall

.

.

.

When Yuuta was younger, he used to dream about becoming a jaeger pilot just like every kid his age.

His underdeveloped mind couldn't comprehend it back then, too blinded by a mixture of childhood innocence and the polished propaganda advertised by the PPDC.

All he and everyone else ever saw where pilots in all their glory, valiantly taking down kaiju while the cameras rolled. They went to interviews in crisp clean uniforms, met celebrities, and some even achieved celebrity status themselves, complete with brand deals, action figures, and even the occasional movie.

Truly, Yuuta never imagined it to be like this. 

Constantly living on the edge, never knowing which mission would be your last. Living in fear for yourself, your co-pilot, as well as the pilots of other jaegers, people so close to you that you considered them family, there one day and gone the next. Not to mention being responsible for the lives of anyone within the zone of a kaiju's path of destruction. The glamorous portrayal on television was far from the truth. In reality, it was an environment of non-stop stress and violence. Yuuta had witnessed many a pilot crack under the pressure and leave, some taking more drastic and permanent measures.

The work hazard, too, claimed lives left and right. 

Yuuta was certain most, if not all, of the pilots he looked up to in his youth lay scattered across the ocean floor alongside a variety of broken machinery and rotting kaiju parts, submerged in "kaiju blue" so toxic it prevented any of them from being recovered and given proper burials. 

That was the life he had subjected himself to, it seems. 

Though it happened less and less as the years ticked by, occasionally his mind would bring him back to the day that Rika died. Lately, those memories have been recurring in his dreams at a higher frequency. He thought he had finally moved on from it, but it seems like his anxiety was running high these days, so much so that he'd been falling back to his old bad habits of self-blame.

(Still, he can't really shake the bad feeling that comes along with them. The others liked to poke fun at him for being a bit superstitious, but nothing good ever came after having those nightmares.)

It was a tragic story, one that, unfortunately, was becoming all too common. Rika and so many others died as a result of an unexpected kaiju attack. It was Yuuta's birthday, she gave him a ring and they promised that one day they would get married.

That one day, they would join the jaeger program together and "save the world."

What a childish dream.

He can't help the sad smile that plays at his lips.

Yuuta is tired.

He's tired of all the fighting, tired of training, just... tired of existing.

The way he and his friends are living is rough to say the least, and as much as he wants to wish that things will get better, that one day, the war against the kaiju will end and he and Toge will be able to move to the countryside together, just like they always joked about, he knows that with the frequency of attacks increasing, things will probably only get worse before they get better.

If they got better at all.

Yuuta is forced to face the facts.

He's forced to face them every time he and Toge step into their jaeger, every time he and Toge get sent out on another mission, and every time he and Toge manage to barely escape the unforgiving claws of death.

The others are more than aware that the attacks are increasing in severity just as well as he his. Not just the ones around Tokyo either, reports from other shatterdome headquarters across the pan pacific showed an increased level of movement from the breach.

Everyone's been on high alert, just waiting for the alarms to go off.

Gazing out towards Vengeful Thorn as she rests in her hanger, Yuuta thinks about how he should probably be celebrating right now. If not for his and Toge's successful tenth solo kill, then at least a celebration that they're still alive. If he were more confident in himself, he might even try to invite the other boy for a drink in private...

Who is he kidding? Asking Toge out for a drink when he couldn't even hold his hand without turning into a bumbling mess.

The truth is that he doesn't think he can bring himself to look at Toge right now, not when he's wallowing in sadness, spiraling downward into a depression he thought he had finally gotten over. He'd just bring down the mood, a wet blanket thrown on Toge's happiness, the ugly grey storm cloud there to ruin Toge’s radiant sunny day.

He shrinks into himself.

That's all he is, he thinks, a burden to Toge, undeserving of his understanding, undeserving of his complete unshakable trust.

It's been like that from the beginning, and despite all of Toge's encouragement, Yuuta can't help himself from feeling that Toge deserves someone better.

(and yet, thinking of Toge being with anyone else other than him makes his blood boil)

Yuuta laughs as he envisions himself, a pitiful weed attached to the blooming flower that is Toge, draining away his energy.  Taking from him without giving anything back.

When Yuuta first entered the jaeger program, he was completely unprepared for what he was going into. He had never been extremely athletic, nor was he particularly intelligent. Throughout his first year there, Yuuta had struggled in the training, in the lessons, and his simulator scores were positively abysmal. He had, on multiple occasions, considered giving up, leaving to rejoin normal society and become just another salaryman like his parents wanted.

But it was one such occasion that almost drove him over the metaphorical bridge.

He had been given the opportunity to try drifting with another cadet. He was nervous, especially after learning about all the things that could go wrong. Still, Yuuta had agreed, he wanted to prove himself, that he was worth something more, that he could do something to contribute to the fight and not just take up space. 

In the end, his partner ended up having what was essentially a brain hemorrhage, something that was the result of being exposed to all of Yuuta's traumatic memories too fast, and Yuuta had chased the rabbit so far that he nearly activated one of the jaeger's arm cannons, narrowly avoiding destroying half of the Tokyo shatterdome. 

Yuuta had fully expected to be kicked out of the program outright. 

After about a day of waiting for someone to come knocking on his doors and telling him to pack his bags, someone did come, but that someone, a certain Gojo Satoru, hadn't come to kick him out. Rather, the man had told him he saw potential in him and offered to help him train.

Yuuta was convinced he was a lost cause but decided to take the man up on his offer and low and behold, he actually began improving.

But time and time again, drifting with anyone proved to be impossible. 

He sighed. 

Toge always told him that he thought too loudly, and about too many things all at once. Yuuta couldn't help it though, that's just how his brain was. Thinking too much about the past and things that can't be changed and thinking about all of the things that have led him to that point.

Sometimes, Yuuta wished he could go back and change it all.

In those fantasies, he would hold onto Rika tighter so they wouldn't get separated, they'd make it to one of the safety shelters and survive together, and then afterward they would grow up and out of their pilot-groupie phase, live normal lives free from danger, blissfully ignorant of the people losing their own lives to keep them safe. 

Still, Yuuta knows deep down that, even with everything that's happened, he wouldn't have changed a thing.

Not if all the trauma is what led him to meeting Toge. 

Speaking of, the very boy decides at that moment to appear next to him.

Or maybe he was there the whole time and Yuuta just failed to notice.

The other boy, much like Yuuta, leaned against the railing staring out at their jaeger, his expression neutral.

Typically, Toge opted for covering up his mouth with a mask or scarf, something that, Yuuta learned a long time ago was to conceal the two identical beauty marks on either side of his cheeks. At that moment he wasn't wearing it and Yuuta was pleased by it. The younger boy was self-conscious about them after all, yet, when they were together, Toge's inhibitions would all but disappear. He let himself be vulnerable around Yuuta and Yuuta did the same in return. 

Also, Yuuta was just happy because he thought the marks were cute. 

Their shoulders touched. 

Whether that was because he moved closer or because Toge moved closer, he didn't know.

Maybe the both of them moved, gravitating towards each other so naturally that they didn't even realize until they felt the other's touch. Either way, Yuuta doesn't care, he's just glad to be near him.

After a few moments of Yuuta blatantly staring at Toge and Toge looking at their jaeger, the light-haired boy turns his attention to his friend, face still neutral but the hint of a smile gracing the corners of his mouth as Yuuta turns away suddenly. Yuuta notes, with even more embarrassment, that they had gotten even closer, noses nearly touching when they looked at each other.

It was dark, only a few lights shining around them, but Yuuta could still make out the small indentations of dimples on Toge's face as his smile grew wider.

Without a word he straightened from where he originally was, patted Yuuta on the shoulder and began making his way to the exit. 

He stopped just before reaching it, leaning against the door frame and looking back at Yuuta expectantly as if he were saying "follow me." 

Slightly stunned, Yuuta could only stand frozen where he was, jaw dropped just the smallest bit, before closing it and gulping. Toge looked ethereal even bathed only in the various emergency lights of the shatterdome's hanger. Slowly, the other boy's smile morphed into a smirk as he turned and fully exited and not a moment later, Yuuta was running to catch up to him. 

While he continued after him, Yuuta started feeling as if he were in a daze, as often happened after the tiredness after a mission began to set in.

He was being tugged along by Toge and was perfectly content with that. Once again, he could only appreciate his friend for trying to pull him out of the negativity clouding his mind.

The other boy led him to the showers, something which Yuuta was only just then realizing he was in desperate need of. Sweat, grime, and blood from the mission earlier sticking to him and assaulting his nostrils.

So lost in his own world and so tired, Yuuta didn't even flinch when Toge helped him out of his clothes, he didn't even give it a second thought when Toge stepped out of his own so they could shower together, the other boy careful when washing Yuuta's back as to not disturb his injuries too much.

Time began to feel distorted and Yuuta finally acknowledged the symptoms of fatigue finally catching up to him, the warm shower only adding to his drowsiness. 

Of course, Toge, ever the attentive one, noticed as well and dragged them back to Yuuta's room, pushed Yuuta onto his bed and turned off the lights before climbing in himself. 

If Yuuta were more conscious he would be having a mini freak out, possibly even a heart attack. But he was too tired then to think about the implications of having Toge sleep in the same bed as him. 

With Toge holding tightly onto him, Yuuta allows his mind to finally rest.

They step around each other with the utmost precision.

A choreography of movements, fine-tuned and well-practiced as they expertly deflect and counter each other's hits. 

The two of them give no second thoughts, their bodies moving unconsciously in a perfect rhythm, and so lost in their own world, they fail to notice the crowd of cadets beginning to gather to watch them spar. 

Toge didn't like using the bo staff, usually he opted to forego it completely, using his agility and speed to avoid any of Yuuta's attacks, but today he had chosen to pick one up as well, trading blows with the older boy confidently. 

When Yuuta first joined the jaeger program, his fighting abilities and skills with the bo staff were poor. Through intense training he had gotten significantly better, even being able to keep up with Maki whenever she decided to join in on their training.

Still, the intention with their sparring wasn't to see who was stronger, nor was it about seeing who could win.

Rather, the sparring was meant to test their compatibility with one another, it was about being able to form a connection without words, and it was one of the very first steps needed to be taken before any pair was allowed to even attempt to drift together.

They continue.

Matching smirks on their faces, more focused on staring into each other’s eyes than on where the blows will land, a dance of fast and powerful movements, never stopping and never slowing down. 

A never-ending performance, almost waltz-like, that does nothing to hide their fondness for the other. The mat is a stage and they unabashedly put their pure unadulterated devotion on display for everyone to witness. 

Yuuta doesn’t care if everyone is looking, not anymore. Though still anxious, he’s come a long way from the easily panicked kid he used to be, at the very least, the only people who will ever get to see him like that are Toge and their closest friends. 

(While he doesn't care about them looking at him, the way some of the cadets look at Toge with more carnal expressions makes him want to kick their asses.)

Still, Yuuta knows the purple-eyed boy pays no attention to them. He takes great pride in knowing that his co-pilot’s undivided attention is on him. 

It's when they're so deep into their sparring that Yuuta recognizes how much he needs Toge. 

Yuuta needs Toge like how humans need air to breathe. Without him, he’s not sure he would have made it as far as he had. 

As they spin around one another, Yuuta’s mind gets occupied by thoughts of the past once more.

Despite eventually improving his simulator scores, his fighting ability, and his knowledge of jaegers and kaiju, he was still unable to drift with anyone. 

Too afraid to let anyone inside his mind and at the same time too eager to share his memories and have someone understand all that he’s been through. In the end Yuuta always proved to be too much for his partner to bare.

Overloading them with information while Yuuta thoughtlessly chased the rabbit, chased down memories of a childhood innocence lost too soon, and a childhood friend lost too young. 

What can he say? Yuuta’s a Pisces, he’s emotional. 
(According to Maki, he’s also something of an overshare-er.) 

But then, he met Toge. 

He met Toge and what Yuuta wants to say is that they felt a strong connection instantaneously,

But that wasn’t the case. 

The boy was younger than him, he came into the jaeger program the year after Yuuta did and at the very start, the only thing Yuuta could say they had in common was that they had nothing in common. 

Right off the bat, Toge was skilled beyond belief, the ideal candidate to pilot a jaeger, someone with so much potential to lead a new wave of resistance against the kaiju. He was intelligent, perceptive, and he had the physical skill to back him up even further.

On the shorter side and a bit slim, he wasn’t as physically strong as someone like Maki, but his agility, speed, balance, and overall reflexes were enough to put him amongst the top contenders. 

No one is perfect though.

And while Yuuta would fight anyone who’d try to tell him that Toge was anything less than that, he could understand how that might have posed a problem. 

You see, Toge didn’t speak. 

Rather, he couldn’t speak.

At the time no one knew why, and even now, most people don’t actually know the reason. Yuuta is the only person Toge’s ever opened up to enough to tell him why and he's been sworn to secrecy. 

It didn’t stop Toge from making friends though, because nothing could ever truly stop Inumaki Toge from doing something that he wanted. Though he was quiet, his personality was loud. Bombastic, energetic, and full of life, Toge was a mischievous prankster that no one, not even the higher ups at the shatterdome, were safe from. He did as he pleased, and the higher ups soon learned that telling him not to do something would only make Toge want to do it more.

In the end he became close friends with the equally energetic LOCCENT technician-in-training affectionately nicknamed Panda, and a fellow cadet named Maki as they were the only ones able to keep up with each other in the kwoon. 

The problem laid in any attempts he had a drifting, something that he did have in common with Yuuta. 

Toge was outgoing despite his usually neutral expression. But outgoing or not, that didn’t change the fact that as friendly as the others got with him, Toge always maintained a respectful distance with everyone. 

And with the distance came something of a mental wall Toge put up around himself, never letting anyone too close. 

To put it simply, Toge’s lack of communication made it difficult for him to let anyone in his mind. People didn’t understand him, and he had no interest in having people study him so deeply. He had a problem opening up and letting people in. 

The other cadets aside from Maki were nice enough, they thought Toge was funny and entertaining, but he was more of a spectacle to them than anything. In the end they never put in much of an effort to try and befriend someone who couldn’t carry a conversation. 

When Yuuta thought about it, it made him angry.

It made him angry that people didn’t think Toge was worth the effort.

(and, for your information, Toge was a great conversationalist, even if he couldn’t physically talk.)

Yuuta remembers observing some of the people Toge would try and drift with. At one point, he even tried drifting with Panda despite the other not being interested in being a pilot, but as he put it, “his mind is a locked door, but he loves to snoop through mine.” Apparently, while Toge hated the thought of people being in his head, the gossip in him loved to be in other people's business. 

Admittedly, Yuuta was really intimidated by the other boy at first. He might even say that he was outright afraid of him. He thinks that part of it had to do with his own insecurities, Toge was younger than him but better, stronger, and smarter than he was when he first entered.

The boy was as intimidating in personality as he was in looks, Toge, after all, was beautiful, Yuuta knew that from the beginning, he knew that from the very moment he laid eyes on him. 

The very first time they actually interacted, though, wasn't until after Toge had undergone a particularly bad drift with Maki of all people.

Calling it bad would be an understatement. She had chased the rabbit so deep that the jaeger they were in had to be completely shut down and resulted in Maki landing herself in the infirmary indefinitely. 

To everyone else that had crowded the LOCCENT to watch it, it probably seemed like Toge didn’t care at all. But Yuuta could tell after spending weeks watching the younger boy, the way he fiddled with his hands and the way his eyes watched Maki, one of his closest and only real friends, being carried away on a stretcher, that he was incredibly saddened and regretful. He felt remorse for what he had done, guilt that he had caused someone that level of injury, especially someone he cared about. 

When Toge walked away to leave, Yuuta followed after him all the way to the empty kwoon. He watched as Toge took out his frustrations, his eyes shining with unshed tears, his movements more erratic and desperate than Yuuta had ever known them to be before. 

Yuuta didn’t know why he was so drawn to the other boy. He had been observing him so much that the initial fear he had of him had, without Yuuta noticing, evolved into admiration, into respect, into… longing.

In that moment Yuuta felt compelled to go to the other boy.

Wordlessly, he grabbed a bo staff from the rack and approached the other boy carefully, as if he were approaching a startled animal. Toge looked up immediately, a hint of hesitation evident, but he gives in and the two begin to spar. 

Neither of them uttered a sound the entire time, and after a few hours, they silently said their goodbyes and went on their own way. 

After that night, the two of them began spending more time with each other. It started out small, a wave as they crossed paths in the hall, a quiet “good morning” when they saw each other in the cafeteria, and at night the two would silently pick up a staff and get into stance. 

Their sparring, too, was awkward at first, slightly disjointed and not fully connecting, but as they crossed the line from being just “acquaintances” to being actual friends, it quickly turned into a unique dance shared only between the two of them.

Flowing with ease, as natural as breathing. 

Surprisingly it’s Toge who reaches out first. Toge who pulls Yuuta to join him, Maki, and Panda during their lunch hour, Toge who makes the effort to befriend Yuuta, toning down his energy to make the anxious boy more comfortable. 

Toge, Yuuta discovers, knows sign language, and while Yuuta tries to start learning the basics, he feels a kind of light giddiness whenever the two of them pass notes to each other. Messages of encouragement when the other is upset, a corny joke, or whatever random thoughts they had and wanted to share. 

Yuuta begins being able to read Toge’s expressions with ease, and slowly, Toge starts putting his walls down when he’s around the older boy, even abandoning the mask he usually wore whenever they were alone together. 

Panda, who had then been promoted to an official part of the LOCCENT was the one to suggest that the two of them should have a go at the drift together. 

After much convincing and Maki threatening to beat the two of them up, they decided to try. 

They were both nervous, tensions running high as the two had never had good experiences in the drift before. 

All reservations went out the window when Panda initiated the neural handshake between them and suddenly, they were in each other’s minds. 

The drift which was once nothing but pain for the both of them, suddenly comes alive with each other’s memories, Yuuta being allowed to explore the depths of Toge’s mind and Toge listening to and accepting all of Yuuta’s memories. 

Yuuta learns about Toge’s past, why he can’t speak, why the boy has become averse to letting people too close, and Toge learns about Rika, learns about the promise they made, about the attack that subsequently tore them apart. 

But like all the times before, Yuuta clings to that memory, Yuuta becomes his younger self and Yuuta re-lives the pain of having his very first friend be killed before his very eyes by the monsters he one day hoped to fight.

and then…

He hears a voice.

A voice that sounds like the soft giggles and the mirthful chuckles whenever Toge laughs and Yuuta registers, that it’s Toge’s voice. 

It must be. 

And it tells him for the very first time that “It’s just a memory, you have to let it flow. Yuuta, don’t chase the rabbit, you have to let it flow.”

Yuuta lets out a shaky breath and does as the voice instructs, letting go of that past and watches as it and all his memories slip by him. 

“I’m right here,” 

When Yuuta opens his eyes, his hand and Toge’s are entwined in each other’s and the younger boy gives him a smile. Yuuta doesn’t even pay attention to the people in the LOCCENT cheering at their first successful drift, he just looks at Toge and he knows Toge did speak to him, he must have. 

Through the drift, Yuuta can hear Toge’s voice.

Through the drift, Yuuta and Toge become closer than ever before. 

The day after, they’re officially assigned as co-pilots, and the week after that, they begin their journey of fighting alongside each other.

Busy thinking of the past, Yuuta doesn't notice when the cadets start to filter out of the Kwoon.

They pay it no mind.

It isn't until he hears the voice of one of their friends that Yuuta looks up and as a result of losing focus on Toge, he gets hit on the head by the younger boy's weapon.

"Hey, love-birds! You've been hogging the mat for long enough, step aside."

At Maki's choice of words, the two boys break apart instantly, looking away from each other as the sport matching blushes. Maki can only roll her eyes as she moves them out of her way with her own staff.

"Yeah, move it!"

This time the voice is slightly higher, belonging to a brown-haired girl named Nobara who had recently been assigned as Maki's co-pilot. Yuuta hadn't officially met her, but he saw the other girl following Maki around the shatterdome, eyes practically sparkling as she watched the older girl do even the most mundane of tasks. He'd have teased Maki about it if the younger girl didn't stare at Maki the same way he was pretty sure he stared at Toge.

(According to Toge, he had even witnessed the younger girl walk straight into a wall once because she saw Maki flex.)

The two women move into position and Yuuta and Toge get out of their way, watching for a while as the two exchange hits. 

It's mesmerizing.

The two girls hadn't known each other long but Yuuta could tell with the way they looked into each other's eyes that the connection they shared was already deep and strong. Maki's hits, like Maki herself, were confident and powerful. Nobara struck back with a surprising amount of force, though, it had a type of grace and fluidity that complimented Maki's style perfectly. 

Yuuta smiles, he's glad Maki had found another co-pilot. After the falling out she had with her sister, Mai, Yuuta wasn't sure she would let anyone back into her head so soon.

The two of them worked well together, they had been on only a few missions thus far, but each one had been successful. Yuuta could tell that Maki was happier, and he knew that with the way Maki looked at the younger girl, Nobara's admirations weren't one-sided.

Yuuta is broken out of his thoughts when Toge taps him on his shoulder.

"I'm gonna go take a shower, wanna join?" He signs.

It's a rapid motion, a language that, over the years, Yuuta has become practically fluent in. He put in a lot of work and studying with Toge so he could communicate better and he couldn't be any more grateful for being able to converse freely with the other.

At Toge's question, Yuuta can't help but flush. His imagination would run wild if he didn't have more self-control, but he shakes whatever thoughts out of his head before they have a chance to manifest into anything inappropriate. He remembers the night before, they took a shower together, but that had been when Yuuta was practically half asleep and hadn't really realized the potential embarrassment. 

"Ah, no thank you, I think I'll watch them a bit longer," 

Toge's eyes scrunch as he sends Yuuta a smile and nods before standing up and leaving the room.

The truth is, Yuuta would absolutely love to take a shower with Toge, and lord knows that after their sparring session, he definitely needs one. But Toge usually takes naps after a warm shower and Yuuta doesn't think he's mentally prepared enough for the possibility of Toge getting into bed with him again. 

Yuuta continues to watch as Maki and Nobara spar against each other. Taking down a few mental notes while he's at it on how to improve based on Maki's recommendations to the younger girl.

It's sweet, he thinks, their relationship. They've known each other for a short while but Nobara looks up to Maki a great deal and Maki seems to both shine and get embarrassed at all the praise the girl showers her with. 

Eventually, Yuuta decides he should give the two of them some privacy.

It's quiet now around the shatterdome. 

The cadets in the jaeger program and the actual pilots themselves live in separate areas, though usually there's a spattering of them around. Yuuta figures that by the lack of lighting and noise, it must have been past dinner time and he and Toge had probably been sparring for a few hours straight, and then he had watched Maki and Nobara train for at least another hour.

Toge was probably asleep by now.

All of the cadets were probably getting some rest for a full day of training the next day.

And the pilots were probably trying to get whatever undisturbed sleep they could while they had the chance so that they'd be as rested as possible should they be called for a mission. 

Not feeling particularly tired, and not wanting to go back to his room just yet, Yuuta decides to take a walk. 

The metal floors are cold underneath his bare feet and he wonders for a second if he might catch a cold from this. He doesn't care, if he catches a cold the worst Toge would do is pout at him with disappointment while forcing him to take medicine. 

He's come to know the Tokyo shatterdome like the back of his hand. If he wanted to, he could probably even walk around it with his eyes closed and not even bump into anything.

It was his home. 

Whether he like it or not, he was there to stay for as long as he was needed, probably for as long as he would live.

Yuuta didn't like being by himself for too long, and this specifically was the reason. Because when he was by himself, his thoughts would consume him, whirring around his mind at mach speed, making him remember and making him regret. 

He didn't regret meeting Toge. He didn't regret any time they spent together, but sometimes oftentimes he regrets ever becoming a pilot in the first place. Yuuta doesn't think he's alone in that. Toge, as well as Maki, had both confided in him that they felt similarly at times, he was sure the same could be said by so many other pilots. 

Yuuta longed to live normally. 

To live peacefully.  

Preferably with Toge on a farm somewhere far inland, away from the path of any kaiju, raising animals together.

Safe.

Happy.

Without the fear of when their last time seeing each other will be.

because in their line of work, it wasn't "if" they were going to die, it was "when"

Normally Yuuta is better at keeping his thoughts away. 

Normally, Toge is there with Yuuta whenever he starts getting a bit carried away, always noticing when he's on the brink of an anxiety attack and always prepared to help him through it. But Toge isn't there right now, and Yuuta hadn't yet told him about his increasing worries, no matter how much he knows it'll probably end up exploding in his face one of these days. 

Kaiju attacks are growing more frequent.

Kaiju themselves are growing bigger and stronger.

The number of cadets leaving the program is increasing.

Overall, Yuuta can safely say that he's the most stressed he's ever been in all his recent years.

(Add to that his overwhelming feelings for Toge and yeah, Yuuta's kind of struggling here.)

As he continues his walk, he passes by the hanger, moving through to look at all the jaegers lifeless without their pilots. Gigantic hunks of metal and machinery, monsters of humanity's own creation to fight back against something from straight out of a science fiction novel. 

It's after walking for a little while longer that he notices to figures off in the distance. As he approaches them, in the dim lighting he recognizes them to be a pink-haired boy named Itadori and a black-haired boy named Megumi.

They were the Tokyo shatterdome's newest pair of pilots, though they were no strangers to the shatterdome itself.

Megumi, if Yuuta recalled correctly, was Gojo's adopted son, and the other boy Itadori had been taken in by one of the veteran pilots, Nanami, as some kind of apprentice. The two boys lived there even prior to joining the jaeger program, their similar experience losing loved ones as a result of kaiju attacks (Itadori's grandfather, and Megumi's mother and sister) led to them becoming close despite their opposing personalities. It came to no one's surprise when they ended up being drift compatible. 

The two of the look out towards their jaeger, Divine Nocturne, and smile at each other, excitement clear in their eyes. When they catch sight of Yuuta, Itadori waves enthusiastically, reminding Yuuta of a overzealous puppy, while Megumi simple bows his head slightly, a gesture which Yuuta returns with a smile. Seeing new pilots be happy is always like a breath of fresh air.

But it also fills Yuuta with just the smallest bit of discomfort.

The two of them are happy now, and Yuuta will do nothing to tell them otherwise. But he knows, just like older pilots know, eventually their spirits will be chipped away little by little. That's just the way things were.

Air.

Yuuta needs air.

Because if he doesn't get some soon, he's gonna start to spiral again but he can't go waking up Toge this time.

The hanger begins to feel suffocating, Yuuta can feel himself choking on his own negativity, on the happy looks on Itadori and Megumi's faces, on the thought of Maki and Nobara who are probably still training their lives away in another part of the shatterdome. Yuuta can't be in there anymore, or he might actually lose his mind.

It's beautiful outside.

That's what Yuuta finds himself thinking as he quietly sneaks out and onto a balcony that overlooks the ocean. Immediately he takes a deep breath, trying to conjure up the image of Toge in his brain so that the pseudo-Toge can make him calm down.

It's not the same.

Eventually, after a few moments of not being able to stop his thoughts, he tries to push them down by taking in the scenery a bit more. The skies are clear, something that was a bit rare in recent days. The sky, like Yuuta, had been a constant lack of sun and gray clouds looming overhead for the past few days. Now, there were some random clouds floating by, but other than that, it was empty save for the moon that served as one of the only sources of lighting. Yuuta finds himself thinking once again, that it's beautiful.

but Toge's beauty put the moon to shame anyday 

He leans over the railings, arms crossed and rests his head there, watching as the dark waves crash against the metal building over and over, in an almost hypnotizing manner. He feels himself lose track of time again as he just stares. Finally, his mind has reached some kind of clarity.

"Not gonna throw yourself down there, are you?" He hears a voice say with a chuckle.

While Yuuta continues to look down he sees Gojo's ornate shoes enter his field of vision, but he doesn't bother straightening his posture to look him in the eye. He doesn't really feel like talking.

In response to the younger boy's apathy, Gojo simply sighs, standing next to Yuuta and looking out at the ocean, and thankfully, he has the tact to remain silent for a few short moments. But Gojo hated sitting still and that was something everything knew. Yuuta could see when he looked down that the man had begun stepping in place and no doubt, he was probably fiddling with his ring too. 

"You know, you've been so grumpy lately! lighten up a bit, you and Toge got another kill recently didn't you?" 

Yuuta says nothing.

He hopes that the man will take it as a sign that he's not up for having a conversation, but Gojo presses forward. 

"Everything is gonna be alright, you know? We're getting new pilots every day, new cadets in the program. You don't have to feel like the entire fate of the world rests solely in your hands, Yuuta."

Again, Yuuta says nothing.

In truth, Yuuta doesn't believe a word Gojo is saying. They get two new pilots and then another two die, they're getting new cadets but the rate of them dropping out is even higher. The world may not rest solely in his hands, but it certainly feels like it sometimes.

Everything is gonna be okay? Bullshit.

Even Toge wouldn't tell him something like that, he would know just how much of a blatant lie it was. 

As if Gojo can feel Yuuta's irritation start to build, he takes a few steps to the side to give him more room, then, he switches positions from looking out off into the ocean, to leaning his back and elbows on the railing to peer back inside the hanger through his sunglasses. 

A few moments of silence later, Gojo tries again.

"I know I'm pretty bad at cheering people up, and I know you'd probably much rather be talking to anyone else but me, but..." 

Yuuta takes his head from out of his hands and turns it slightly to look at the older man.

"Toge is worried about you, you know?"

He can feel his heart still.

Yuuta thought he was managing to hide his sadness well but, leave it to Toge to have a sixth sense when it came to Yuuta feeling like trash about himself. 

"At the very least, you should talk to him. Things are tough right now, but the two of you can depend on each other, don't forget that."

Yuuta begins to open his mouth to reply but shuts it quickly as he finally takes in the sight of Gojo.

The older man looks... sad. 

He's not exactly the type of person who isn't always without a smile, even when it's apparent that it's fake. Yet, in that moment, the man let his expression fall as he moves to stand straight. No longer kicking his feet at nothing, instead, he begins to fiddle with the ring on his left hand as he stares off into the distance, somewhere inside the hanger.

Following his eyes, Yuuta lands on the bay area number 06. 

Yuuta wants to punch himself in the face, he feels bile rise to his throat because of course Yuuta's managed to make the most eccentric pilot in the history of pilots sad. 

The bay in question sits quiet and almost frozen in time. In it, only the now obsolete Champion Blessing occupies its space. A jaeger that can no longer fulfil its duty of exterminating kaiju, a jaeger without pilots gathering dust. In truth, the Champion Blessing was one of the strongest of the older models of jaegers, though, it was decommissioned when one half of it's pilots, Gojo's husband Geto, died as a result of a mission gone wrong. 

While Gojo continues twisting his ring around, the frown he wore initially was now replaced with a sad smile. 

Yuuta regrets a lot of things, but now he can add "making the Gojo Satoru sad," to the ever-growing list. 

In all honesty, Yuuta doesn't think he's ever seen Gojo without that cocky smile of his. Even about a year after joining the jaeger program, around the time that Geto had passed, Yuuta could remember Gojo sauntering around the halls of the shatterdome as if everything was okay.

As if his other half wasn't ripped out the conn-pod, the two still attached in the drift, Gojo feeling his husband's pain and feeling the moment he was no longer with him. 

No one thought much of it. No one but Dr. Ieiri, one of the kaiju researchers and a close friend of both men, had bothered to look after him. He had shut himself in for a few days and after that, he was back training cadets with the same smile and bravado.

Although Yuuta would never admit it out loud, Gojo Satoru was impressive.

Many would say it because he's the only person they've ever known to pilot a jaeger by himself and make it back alive, but Yuuta would say it because he was able to keep himself living even after the love of his life died. 

If something like that were to happen to Toge... no—

Yuuta can't allow himself to think that way.

Yuuta would do everything he could to make sure Toge lived and that he also lived, so that maybe, one day, whatever stupid dreams they had for the future could come true. 

Whatever thoughts he's having about Toge get sidelined as Gojo pats his shoulder a bit awkwardly and shoots Yuuta a smile as he makes his way back inside. Though he wears his signature glasses to cover his eyes, Yuuta can tell that they're still sad and distant.

In the drift, two pilots become connected in mind and body. The other's thoughts, emotions, feelings become linked between the two of them. They'll feels each other's anger, the sadness, the pain. To be torn apart from that person in such a way was bad enough, but to be torn from them while they were still mentally linked to you? Yuuta shudders. He tries his best not to think about any of the worst possible scenarios when it comes to him and Toge.

They've had a few close calls, but thankfully, they're both still alive, they have each other to lean on. 

Deciding that it's time to head back inside, Yuuta takes a long look at the outside again, and then sends a look towards the Champion Blessing as she sits by herself as usual. He doesn't know why but he bows to it slightly, and then goes inside himself. 

Yuuta thinks he might catch a cold later.

When he approaches his room, he doesn't expect anyone to be hanging around it, but as he reaches closer, he sees the vague outline of a person in the dim lighting of the hallway. To his surprise, it's Toge who leans against the door of his room clad in, what seems to be, nothing but one of Yuuta's hoodies that is impossibly too big for him and sends him a wave, hand almost completely drowning in the sleeve. Yuuta expected the other boy to be asleep by then and he opens his mouth to chastise him, but Toge is quicker, taking his hand and pressing it to close Yuuta's mouth shut. 

If Yuuta were in a better mood, he might've licked the younger boy's hand just to be annoying, but he's tired now.

He just wants to sleep.

He knows the look on Toge's face, it's the look that tells him Toge knows something is wrong with him. But the other boy is like a mirror, also looking too tired to be standing, he must've been waiting for Yuuta the entire time.

So instead of saying anything, the younger boy simply removes his hand from Yuuta's mouth and pulls him by his wrist and takes them both back into Yuuta's bedroom. Like the night before, he pushes Yuuta into bed, turns off the lights, and crawls into bed next to him, almost immediately clinging onto him. 

Often times, Yuuta finds himself being caught up in his emotions, so sure that he'll be able to get through it alone, only to realize it too late when he's drowning in his own sorrows. When that happens, Toge is always there to rescue him, always there to drag him back to the surface.

At the end of the day, Yuuta was just glad he could make it to see the sunset one more time.
Glad that, despite everything, he and Toge could be together again, hands entwined, and bodies tangled together, keeping each other's nightmares at bay. 

With the way things were, who knew how much longer that would last. 

When his emotions are the most tumultuous, Yuuta has a habit of dreaming of Rika. 

The day that she died on loop in his unconscious mind, but that night, his dream is happier.

The attack never happens and he and Rika simply play in the sandbox of the playground close to where they live, the younger girl in her favorite blue dress scooping small shovels of sand into a bucket for her castle while Yuuta makes up his own sound effects as he brings the jaeger and kaiju action figures to a clash. 

And then, he dreams of Toge.

He dreams of the other boy often, the other always in his head, constantly in his thoughts.

Yuuta dreams of a future with Toge, a world where they can be happy, a world where they never have to worry. 

Somewhere that the two of them aren't fighting for their lives.

In his dreams, Toge feels for Yuuta, the same way Yuuta feels for him.

Love.

.

.

.

Report—

Tokyo (Shibuya), October 31, 2024

Kaiju

Multiple Category 4

Codenames: Jogo, Mahito, Sukuna, Kenjaku

Appeared at around 05:00

The kaiju were noticed a few miles off the Tokyo bay, near Shibuya

They managed to overrun jaegers Vengeful Thorn and Heavenly Rosa past

the miracle mile and made landfall, destroying large parts of Shibuya.

Mass casualties, multiple pilot injuries and deaths.

.

.

.

Alarms cry out in warning.

Unapologetically loud, completely unsympathetic towards everyone in the Tokyo Shatterdome as they try to rest.

Over and over again, the siren blares on, red emergency lights flashing in the rooms of the pilots and throughout all the rooms in the building.

The initial annoyance Yuuta experiences at being forced out of one of the only good nights of rest he'd had in recent days is replaced by uneasiness. When realization has finally sunk into them, both Yuuta and Toge snap up in an instant, looking at each other and then towards the loudspeaker in the room, waiting.

As if on cue, the robotic voice of the AI used for announcements rings out as it summons jaegers to their stations.

Once.

Vengeful Thorn report to bay 02, level A-42

Twice.

Heavenly Rosa report to bay 05, Level A-42

Relaxing slightly, Yuuta moves to put on more appropriate clothing, struggling to get a pair of pants and a shirt on, looking away from Toge as he does the same. If LOCCENT is only calling for two jaegers, then that means there's probably nothing to worry about. Whatever it is that's happening, isn't anything that they haven't experienced before, Yuuta might say it's typical even. A higher end category 4 at most, seeing as how Maki and Nobara's jaeger was being called along with them. Usually, Vengeful Thorn is more than enough to get rid of a category three on its own, anything more would require assistance.  

Before he can even finish his thoughts and settle into a false sense of security, the loud noise of the alarm begins to cry out even more frantically and at a higher pitch, both he and Toge look at each other with matching expressions of concern. 

The alarm had never rung out like that before, and yet now it seemed like if it kept going, it might make the two of them lose hearing.

Again, the AI voice starts, this time, calling for more jaegers and Yuuta can feel his whole body tense, clenching his jaw shut as he puts on some shoes.

Divine Nocturne report to bay 09, Level A-41

Fortuna Septa, report to bay 03, Level A-43

A feeling of dread washes over Yuuta in an instant, "Itadori and Megumi? Nanami and Haibara too..." he thinks as all the warmth in his body dissipates. It's replaced with a cold anxiety that only grows as he realizes that the robotic voice continues to call pilots to their stations, one after another.

Whatever was happening out there, it wasn't something normal, because from the looks of it, all pilots in the shatterdome were being called. 

It isn't until the AI comes over the loudspeaker that Yuuta realizes the situation they're about to face is unlike any before.

A gathering of at least three, possibly even four category 4 kaiju had been picked up by LOCCENT.

Yuuta doesn't want to think of the worst or jump to conclusions, but he recalls one of the k-scientists, Dr. Ieiri, mentioning something about the Kaiju being more intelligent than originally thought, but never in all his years of being a pilot had Yuuta witnessed so many Category 4 Kaiju in a single location.

It doesn't matter how hard Toge holds onto him as they make their way to bay 02, the comfort he usually feels from it is nowhere to be seen. As they approach closer and closer, Yuuta only feels worse.

Everything feels a bit too surreal. 

Yuuta thinks, hopes, that maybe just maybe this all might be some kind of nightmare from the deepest darkest depths of his imagination.

He passes by other pilots, some looking too tired to be standing, others with the same look of concern as Yuuta, and unnervingly, some smiling as if this was some sort of exciting thrill ride, as if they might not be close to death at any moment. 

The entirety of the Shatterdome comes to life, buzzing with uncertainty, with anxiety.

All around Yuuta, J-tech workers prep their suits, do some last-minute checks on the jaegers and run around for the additional pieces of their suits as LOCCENT technicians scramble to get everything as organized as possible before dispatching any of them. 

One wrong step, one wrong coordinate, even the slightest cog out of alignment could spell disaster for everyone, pilots and citizens alike.

Yuuta can only feel himself be pulled along, and God, if he doesn’t get it together soon, he’ll only bring down Toge alongside him.

Through all of this it’s Toge who tries to keep him tethered to reality but Yuuta can only feel himself slipping away. As their helmets are placed onto them and the data relay gel is dispersed throughout the suit, Yuuta’s hold on Toge’s hand begins to slacken and he starts to feel like he’s suffocating. Claustrophobic in the suit, in the conn-pod, soon to be fighting some otherworldly monster in a 7,000-ton hunk of metal, Yuuta begins to hyperventilate. 

It isn’t until Toge quite literally smacks him out of it, does Yuuta realize the gravity of the situation. He needs to snap out of it, he can have a mental breakdown later, otherwise he’d only be putting himself and Toge and everyone in the greater Shibuya area in danger. 

Silently, Yuuta turns to Toge and thanks him. When he looks into Toge’s eyes, a mixture of determination and uncertainty greats him back. 

They say nothing.

When Toge reaches for his hand this time, he takes it back with equal force. 

The conn-pod is promptly locked and Yuuta closes his eyes for a moment. He takes in deep breathes and focuses his mind. He needs to keep steady, lest he make the drift experience too dangerous for Toge. 

“—eady to drop?”

He opens his eyes and Toge takes his hand out of his own, softly knocking against Yuuta’s helmet. 

Ah,

He must’ve zoned out again. 

When he hears Panda’s voice over the intercom again, he jumps slightly. With a bit of a stutter, he presses a button on the display.

"Come again?” He says.

Next to him, Toge’s shoulders shake with a bit of laughter.

He hears Panda do a dramatic sigh through the intercom, a bit staticky, but clearly amused at Yuuta’s lack of focus.

He repeats it, “Vengeful Thorn ready for the drop?”

Turning to his right, he waits for Toge to give his okay, and when the other nods, he knows he's prepared as well.

"Vengeful Thorn, ready for the big drop!” Yuuta confirms.

Among the things Yuuta wished he could change about himself, sounding less scarred every time he said those words would be one of them. 

He already hated roller coasters, worst of all were the tower rides that lifted you up and then let you fall to your doom. The Drop was like one of those rides but one thousand times worse and no matter how long it had been or how many times Yuuta had experienced it, his stomach always did a flip whenever it actually happened. 

On the other hand, it was always Toge’s favorite part. The adrenaline rush, the slap in the face that “yes, this is happening,” was one of the things that allowed him to fully accept the situation. 

As always, Yuuta was thankful that Toge hold his hand the entire time. 

They were dropped.

Falling down at full speed, doing their best not to make a sound and then relaxing as the conn-pod clicked into place with the main body of the jaeger.

“Engage pilot to pilot protocol,” said Panda. 

Around them, Vengeful Thorn's AI kicks in and responds:

Engaging pilot to pilot protocol 

They've gone through this many times before and they've managed to make it back just fine thus far, Yuuta hopes that it'll be the same in this case, that, within the span of a few hours, he and Toge will be back in the shatterdome hanger, maybe take a shower together, and then hopefully, Toge will climb into bed with Yuuta like he had been the past few nights and they could take a nap.

"Vengeful Thorn ready and aligned!" Yuuta calls out once he and Toge finish calibrating either side. 

"That's what I like to hear!" Panda replies.

He sounds as enthusiastic as he always does, though, unlike normal, his voice is a bit raspy from just being woken up along with everyone else in LOCCENT and Yuuta can make out just the slightest edge of nervousness in it. 

They know what comes next without Panda even having to say it.

"Alright you two, prepare for neural handshake in 15... 14...13," 

Before they know it the whole world disappears around them, falling away to just Yuuta and Toge in the drift, watching each other's memories go by. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Yuuta can see Toge raise a pale eyebrow at watching Yuuta's conversation with Gojo the night before, but lets it pass by him just like everything else.

Don't get caught up in it, just let the memories flow; that's one of the first things you get taught about the drift. 

Still, Yuuta knows that when they come back if they come back Toge will remember to ask him about it.

The memories come to a close and reality comes back to the two of them, emotions shared and Toge's voice in his head, able to communicate now without even having to look at each other.

"Neural handshake steady and holding..." Panda says. He pauses a bit before considering his next words, Panda was supposed to show no bias towards any of the pilots but Yuuta and Toge were some of his closest friends, he had guided them through many tricky situations both in their personal lives and while fighting kaiju, finally Panda speaks up again, "Good luck you two, you've got this!"

"Yeah!" Yuuta says.

In his mind he can hear Toge say the same, though out loud and to everyone else, they only hear a quiet grunt in affirmation. 

The bay door opens and Vengeful Thorn steps out, the sun is starting to rise slightly, bathing everything in the warm orange and pink hues that, if the situation were different, Yuuta might think it romantic. The feeling of Vengeful Thorn being picked up and carried by the giant aircrafts brings Yuuta thoughts back, racing a mile per minute and then slowing down when Toge assures him that they'll make it out of this, just like always. 

Ten minutes out.

Vengeful Thorn was about ten minutes out from their intended position and in that time the two of them remain completely silent, only their hands held together. 

That's all they needed really, just feeling the touch of each other was enough for them to get their spirits up.

Their designated location approaches and breathing out one final sigh, Yuuta and Toge let go of each other, bracing for impact as Yuuta issues the order.

"Disengage transport" 

The carriers do as told, dropping Vengeful Thorn into the ocean and then fly away as quickly as they can.

All Yuuta and Toge can do now is wait.

As it turns out, they don't have to wait very long.

Almost immediately after they've disengaged, one of the category 4's catches them off guard, jumping from out of the water and trying to take down Vengeful Thorn from behind. They hadn't expected it, according to LOCCENT, it should have been further out. Far enough out to give the aircraft carriers enough time to vacate the premises before it arrived so that Vengeful Thorn could fight without holding back.

Quickly, Vengeful Thorn shakes the kaiju off of herself and deals it a strong left hook, courtesy of Yuuta, managing to maintain its balance due to Toge's quick reflexes. 

Something about this kaiju is different, Yuuta thinks. It seems... smarter somehow, compared to Kaiju they've faced off against in the past. Still, it's not as large as some of the others they've gone toe to toe with, judging by the way it looked, the slight discoloration, the single large eye, and a head that made it resemble a volcano, this kaiju was the one codenamed Jogo. They fully prepare for it to attack them again, but it simply waits there, as if it were plotting it's next move and considering how to defeat it's opponent. 

Vengeful Thorn gives it no time to think any further, however, rushing in and using its giant fists to smash down on Jogo's head, disorientating it, and then following through with a barrage of punches to the kaiju's most vulnerable areas.

Its head, its stomach, its eye. 

As they're about to deal a devastating blow, the kaiju manages to get some distance between itself and Vengeful Thorn, and then swiping at the jaeger with its tail, causing the heavy machine to almost fall, though, Toge managed to steady her and keep her upright. 

Yuuta and Toge didn't have many options here. 

The aircraft carriers weren't far enough out for them to use the move that they usually started with.

That being, their jaeger's ability to release a powerful EMP, a weapon that was based off the ability of a kaiju witnessed a few years prior to Yuuta becoming a cadet. It worked to stun a kaiju long enough for them to deal a swift and simple final blow, but, due to the magnitude of power generated by it, anything electric within its large range would stop working. That meant the aircraft carriers and even other jaegers themselves, which was why Vengeful Thorn was often dispatched before any of the others and were dropped further out.

Vengeful Thorn, while analog and mostly unaffected by the power output, would sometimes have its communication systems jammed because of it. 

This time it looks like they've no other option then to try and hold it off as long as they could until the carriers are at a safe distance. 

Once again, the monster comes to a standstill and Vengeful Thorn decides to take that as a moment to steady itself as well. Inside, Yuuta and Toge speak through their mental link, trying to figure out ways to hold it back until they can use more drastic measures, or they get back up from another jaeger team. 

When the creature makes no move to attack, the two boys take that as their cue to finish the job.

"Deploy sword." Yuuta says.

Vengeful Thorn's AI responds accordingly as he and Toge take their stance. As quickly as she can, Thorn deploys the giant sword attachment and rushes in, taking advantage of the kaiju as it gets caught off guard and ripping through it with the blade over and over to ensure that it's deceased. As they pull the sword out for a final time, the kaiju is completely unmoving, blue blood mixing with the saltwater that surrounds them.

Inside the Conn-pod Yuuta and Toge catch their breaths, gasping for air, the rush of adrenaline starting to wear off and the pain starting to kick in.

They ignore it, instead opting to look at each other with tired but matching smiles.

Slowly, they raise their hands and high five each other, Vengeful Thorn taking her hands and putting them together as they do so. Yuuta laughs a bit and Toge's smile simply grows wider, a tender look of affection in his eyes and Yuuta can tell, he can feel it through the drift, the way Toge truly feels about him. Emotions of pure devotion, adoration, appreciation, and love course between the two of them as they entwine their hands together, holding tightly and looking into each other's eyes. They move in closer and closer until their helmets bump into each other and they laugh again, closing their eyes.

They don't need words for this. Everything the other if feeling is shared through the drift.

Evidently, the celebration, their moment of realization, their epiphany, comes too early.

"Thorn wait—" Panda yells through the intercom.

But it's too late.

As Vengeful Thorn stands idly with its hands together, it once again gets jumped on.

Though, this time it's by a category 4 that actually looks the part.

Large, almost the same size as Vengeful Thorn herself, and just as intimidating. It has markings on its face, paired with four eyes and four arms and four deadly sets of razor-sharp claws. There's no doubt about it, the kaiju was the one codenamed Sukuna and it was doing heavy damage fast.

The two tried to shake it off of Vengeful Thorn, but the creature persisted. Latching on tighter, and with every ounce of power that they could, Yuuta and Toge tried to pry it off, though that only proved to be a waste of what little energy they had left. 

Sukuna sinks its claws into the abdomen of the jaeger feverously, as if it were a child trying to rip open a present on Christmas. It pauses for a second to raise its hideous head and opens it jaw revealing multiple rows of large pointed teeth. It lets out a blood curdling screech and continues to jab at the jaeger.

It's laughing at them, Yuuta thinks. 

Mocking them and their inability to fend for themselves as Vengeful Thorn starts to rapidly lose function, being held together by the sheer willpower of Yuuta and Toge's drift.

If they don't get out of there soon then—

The two of them have no time to brace themselves.

In a flash, their conn-pod, once shielding them from the outside, now begins to concave and break open as the kaiju starts slashing one of its claws against it, clearly knowing that the two of them are inside. 

Yuuta can feel himself start to panic, his and Toge's connection begins to waver as Yuuta's emotions become too much for even himself to get a reign over. He can make out the sound of Toge's voice in his mind telling at him, yelling at him to try and calm down, to take deep breaths and, no matter what, "Do not let the neural handshake break!" 

The kaiju decides that that is the moment it wants to choose to remind two lowly humans how insignificant they are. 

Sometimes, Yuuta would wonder how lucky he was to still be alive, but maybe, the truth was that he was the unlucky one, surviving in a world that had taken the lives of so many others, and now he and everyone he cared about had to try and set things right.

In a single fluid movement, Sukuna jams one of its claws straight through the conn-pod, and then, the only thing separating Yuuta and Toge was the massive nail of an equally massive creature. 

In the LOCCENT all that can be heard is the sound of metal scraping against metal and shattering glass, though the pilot's vital signs are still indicating signs of life, the lack of noise or any type of screaming from either of the boys is unnerving, complete silence as their jaeger gets torn to shreds.   

Then the sound Vengeful Thorn being sliced to pieces cuts out, Panda fruitlessly tries to reconnect and get communication between them going again though at this point, their jaeger must be so tattered that even its basic communication systems are failing. Without the connection to LOCCENT, the two of them are now practically piloting blind, and from the sounds of it before the feed cut out, they're struggling.

They're not the only ones.

The Heavenly Rosa pilots, Maki and Nobara have become unresponsive, both of their vital signs on a sharp decline and the Fortuna Septa pilots struggle to keep them safe while also holding back category 4 codenamed "Mahito" at bay, all the while Divine Nocturne attempts to chase down the last of the category 4s, Kenjaku, as it makes its way inland. 

But Yuuta isn't aware of all of that.

And call his heartless, but he can't bring himself to care about any of them right now. 

His mind is filled with Toge, Toge, Toge, but unlike the innocent thoughts and fantasies of a happy life with him, his mind is blinded by pure rage at even the possibility of Toge getting hurt and him not being able to do anything to help him. 

All he knows right now is that they're in danger and if they don't get help quickly, both him and Toge will be crushed to death by some otherworldly creature whose only purpose is to cause destruction.

Vengeful Thorn is breaking apart quickly, as the claws like giant blades expose her circuitry and cut through them without much resistance. 

With their conn-pod now exposed and their communication with LOCCENT gone dark, all signs are pointing to a one-way ticket to the afterlife, if such a thing even existed.

Once again, Sukuna rips a claw into the con-pod.

Only this time, he hits the very edge of the right side, Toge's side, causing even more glass and metal to break apart, sending shrapnel flying everywhere.

Yuuta doesn't hear any of that, ears ringing, nor can he bring himself to look away even when a piece of stray metal embeds itself into his helmet, nearly striking his eye.

Not when all he can hear is Toge's screams of pain, not when he can feel it ever so slightly through their now weak neural handshake.

His vision is clouded by both the broken visor of his helmet and Toge's blood. 

As he watches Toge's body go limp, blood streaming through his own shattered helmet and one of his arms all but gone, Yuuta feels his world finally fall apart completely.

When his vision starts to go dark, he doesn't even resist it.

If an afterlife exists, then, at least he can be there with Toge and Rika. 

At least he might finally have some peace.

It's dark.

It's dark and cold and Yuuta doesn't know where he is, or what time it is, or if anything he remembers was reality or just some worst-case-scenario cooked up by his own treacherous mind. 

He breathes heavily as he takes in his surrounding, vision blurred and unfocused, not realizing that he's begun to cry, overwhelmed by whatever it was that happened. 

Already struggling to calm down, Yuuta realizes with horror that Toge isn't with him.

Toge isn't with him.

Toge isn't there.

Where is he?

Everything is too much. The light is too bright and the feeling of the cold sheets against his skin is overbearing and Yuuta thinks that he finally understands what Toge meant when he said that silence could be so loud sometimes. 

The air in the room becomes suffocating and Yuuta can feel his hands shaking and his tears becoming uncontrollable as he scans the room over and over again in a futile attempt to find Toge. Any kind of sign, a note, a piece of clothing, anything. 

But he can't find them. He looks at every corner of the room and it's only after his sixth time examining one of the dim lights that he realizes that the posters on the wall look familiar.

It's his room.

Yuuta is in his room.

Yuuta is in his room but Toge isn't there with him, Toge is nowhere to be seen and Yuuta finally starts to make sense of what happened and the events that led him to that moment.

A kaiju attack of multiple category 4s.

Him and Toge killing one of them before being ambushed by another.

Vengeful Thorn being completely annihilated.

And Toge being reduced to a limp and bloodied body before Yuuta supposes that he lost consciousness. 

He needs some air. But more importantly, he needs to find Toge, touch Toge with his own hands, and make sure that he was okay.

God, if there was one, Yuuta wishes that Toge was okay.

Removing the blanket that covers him, Yuuta attempts to push himself off the bed and fails miserably. It's only when his head makes contact with the pillow below that his body begins to register that pain that it's in. His head is throbbing uncontrollably and every movement he makes, no matter how small, makes him wince. He probably has a concussion, if that was the case then he should avoid going to sleep, even if he was starting to feel incredibly tired once more. 

Not until he made sure Toge was okay, at least.

Again, he pushes himself up, ignoring the pain that shoots through his entire being and swings his legs over and off the bed before taking in a breath and stepping onto the floor. He leans his hand against the wall, trying to keep himself upright and guides himself through the door of his room. 

The first place he decides to check is, obviously, Toge's room. 

On paper, the task was simple enough, but putting it into action was harder than Yuuta expected. Even though the younger boy's room was directly across from his, not having something to lean against while his balance was out of whack proved difficult. Almost immediately, Yuuta fell over, holding his hands out just in time to avoid smashing his head on the metal floors and possibly giving himself even worse of a head injury. He settled on crawling to Toge's door, opening it and peeking inside. 

Nothing.

There was nothing in there. The younger boy's personal belongings stayed untouched, but the boy himself was nowhere to be seen. 

Yuuta's heart begins to race at the absences of his other half. The feeling of immense pain coursing through his body begins to melt away, blocked out by the desperation he feels, the carnal instinct to find where Toge is.

Immediately, his first thought goes to the morgue.

He shakes that thought out of his head, no, there's no way Toge could have...

Yuuta closes his eyes to gain some composure and focus. If he concentrates hard enough then he might be able to sense Toge through the remnants of the phantom drift. He can only make out the small and subtle connection, but that's good enough for Yuuta. So long as Toge was still alive, so long as the younger boy was still breathing on the same Earth as him, Yuuta would follow him so they could be together.

Getting up from the ground, Yuuta dusts himself off. He sees his reflection in the mirror and cringes, even though he feels as if he's been asleep for an entire lifetime, he looks like he just stepped out of a casket, his hair is a mess, poking out in every direction where the bandages around his head aren't covering. His lips are chapped and his eyebags are horrendous. 

Can't standing to look at himself, Yuuta turns away. If he had taken a moment to look at himself longer, he'd of noticed his unusually pale complexion, and bruises covering any piece of exposed skin that wasn't already covered by inches of gauze. He'd of also seen his bloodshot left eye, a reminder of his and Toge's drift gone awry after being attacked for the second time.

Once again, Yuuta uses the wall from the hallway to prop himself up, noticing now, his left leg is limping but that won't stop him from going to see Toge. Even if it takes all day, Yuuta would inch forward one step at a time while holding on to whatever small mental connection he had with Toge left. His destination is the shatterdome infirmary, a place that Yuuta knows all too well from previous missions gone wrong and all the bruises, split lips, and head injuries he sustained due to his poor sparring abilities when he was a cadet. As he makes his way there, he can feel the connection to Toge grow subtly stronger, until he reaches the outside of the infirmary's door, the connection buzzing lowly in the back of his mind.

Upon entering the infirmary, Yuuta is greeted with a truly nauseating sight. The usually pristine white floors, walls, and furniture of the infirmary is littered with blood stains and splatters, biohazard containers filled to the brim with shredded clothing and sheets drenched in so much blood, they appear almost black. There are nurses speed walking back and forth between rooms and Yuuta makes his way past all of them. As he nears almost the very end of the rooms, Yuuta can feel the buzzing connection to Toge come to life with a bit more energy.

He calls out for him.

"Toge?" 

Yuuta barely manages to get it out without a stutter, but his voice shakes as he says it, just like he feels his legs start to feel weak as he approaches one particular room. He calls out again, louder this time and again, he receives no answer.

He stands directly in front of one of the rooms now, he can practically feel Toge's presence in there and yet, every time he calls out his name, the other gives no response and Yuuta's worries begin to build once more. 

Finally, he reaches a shaking hand towards the pale blue curtain that acts as the "door" separating Yuuta from the other side.

Separating Yuuta from Toge.

Practically yelling now, Yuuta calls for him again, desperation clear in his voice.

"Toge!" 

As he reaches to rip open the curtain, a hand grabs his wrist and Yuuta jumps, flinching hard as he immediately turns his attention to whatever, or whoever, it was that startled him.

With wide eyes Yuuta comes face to face with Dr. Ieiri, the head of the Tokyo shatterdome k-science department and someone who also used their (questionable) medical knowledge to assist whenever a kaiju battle left pilots worse for wear. 

"What do you think you're doing yelling like a madman out here?" she says with a bored look in her eye, "There are people trying to get some rest. Show some consideration and quiet down," as she says that, she gives Yuuta a once over, looking at him up and down and taking in his unruly appearance and then sighs, "You look like you could use some rest too, come on."

Yuuta gasps as she grabs him by the wrist once more and begins pulling him away, but he resists. If Toge is behind that curtain then he needs to be with him, he needs to know that he's okay. Dr. Ieiri shoots him an annoyed look and opens her mouth to say something again, but Yuuta cuts her off.

"I want to see Toge."

Blinking slowly at him, Ieiri remains silent.

Yuuta asks again, louder, noticeable irritation painting his voice, "I want. To see. Toge." 

The two of them look at each other dead in the eyes, neither one wavering in the slightest. If the situation were different, Yuuta would have shrunken in on himself, uncomfortable and anxious at having someone look at him so intently. But that's not the case in that moment, right now, he only wants to see Toge and make sure that he's going to be fine. After a few seconds Dr. Ieiri narrows her eyes before closing them and letting out a slow breath. She lets go of Yuuta's wrist and pushes him to the side and walks past him and the curtain, entering the room.

When Yuuta doesn't follow immediately, she pokes her head out to look at him.

"Well?" she says, "Don't you want to see him?" 

Yuuta doesn't think he's ever been more unprepared for anything in his life. Nothing in the entire world could ever prepare him for the sight of Toge in a hospital bed, unconscious and wrapped in thick layers of bandages and gauze. 

He feels sick, even more so when he carefully pulls the blanket back only to see that—

It's gone.

One of Toge's arms.

It simply isn't there anymore, nothing but a stump that ends just slightly below his bicep. 

His left arm, in fact, is no longer there and Yuuta keeps looking away and then looking back, rubbing his eyes, closing them and opening them as if by some miracle, this is all a mistake. That maybe just maybe his vision is still being affected by his head injury and Toge isn't actually missing an appendage.

But despite his increasing frantic behavior, no matter how many time he looks away and then looks back, it doesn't change, his arm doesn't magically appear and Yuuta can only resign himself to swallowing the bile that rises to his throat as he slowly lifts the blanket back up to cover his friend once more. Ever so carefully, Yuuta gently tucks Toge back in. The room is cold after all, he wouldn't want Toge to get chilly. 

The three of them sit in silence for what seems like an eternity. Yuuta has taken to sitting on Toge's right side, placing on hand above the other boy's remaining one and using the other to gently caress the smaller boy's swollen cheek. Though bruised and beaten, the boy sleeps serenely, Yuuta might even call it ethereal, the way Toge ignores everything in favor of retreating into unconsciousness, not a care in the world and oblivious to his own injuries. 

In the corner of the room, Dr. Ieiri has whipped out a cigarette, though it remains unlit taking into consideration the patient in the bed a few feet away. It was a habit that she tried quitting per the request of one of the LOCCENT technicians, a woman with dark hair and a scar on her face that Yuuta couldn't quite remember the name of. But every now and then, he would see her taking a drag of it out on the balcony outside the shatterdome. 

It seemed she went back to it anytime a situation got too stressful, he recalls seeing her with one in between her fingers constantly after the death of Geto, one of her closest friends aside from Gojo. 

Yuuta looks over to her and then back at Toge.

Finally, it's him who breaks the silence.

"What happened?" 

Part of Yuuta doesn't want to even think about it anymore, but he wants to understand the situation, wants to be aware about what happened to Toge. 

"Well," she starts.

Pausing for a second she considers her words and continues, "You practically blacked out after the kaiju pierced right through the conn-pod. When it did it for a second time, it struck right in between you and Toge and then... there's no easy way to say this, but essentially, Toge got ripped out of the pod."

Yuuta sucks in a breath as he looks back to Toge, unaware of anything that's going on. He can feel tears start to prick the edge of his eyes, but he tries his best to hold them back. 

"The two of you... Your neural handshake was still holding, but barely, so you basically felt the pain of Toge being ripped out of there and having his arm you know..." She looks at the blanket that covers Toge, but Yuuta understands what she means. 

His arm.

Toge's arm, he must have felt that pain too before he was completely by himself when the connection was broken. 

"You're pretty crazy, you know? Toge would've definitely died had you not gone completely ballistic after you realized he was gone."

Yuuta looks up at her with confusion evident in his eyes.

"You don't remember, do you?" 

He shakes his head and Dr. Ieiri sighs, pinches the bridge of her nose and then looks up at the ceiling to avoid eye contact.

"You went crazy. You were barely holding onto consciousness, but somehow, you managed to realize that Toge was gone and when you figured out that the kaiju had him, you, for lack of a better word, went batshit and utterly decimated the kaiju all the while managing to retrieve Toge."

He couldn't believe a word he was hearing. Yuuta grasps onto Toge's remaining hand harder than he probably should, keeping him steady as he tried to process what Dr. Ieiri is telling him. If Toge got ripped out of the conn-pod, if Yuuta was in there by himself then that meant...

"You piloted Vengeful Thorn by yourself long enough to kill a kaiju and get Toge back inside, that's pretty impressive." She pauses and then, "But also stupidly dangerous, it's a miracle your brain didn't explode from the heavy neural load," She chastises. 

Yuuta can't bring himself to say anything. How could he? In what way could he respond to hearing that he did something that was explicitly advised against because doing so almost certainly meant death by what essentially was an exploding brain?

By the way that Dr. Ieri laughs at him, he can tell that he's probably making some profoundly stupid expression of disbelief. 

But then her laugher gets softer as does her expression.

In a quiet voice she says, "Piloting a jaeger as big as that by yourself... I've only ever known Satoru to be able to do that and live to tell the tale." 

There's a bittersweet tinge to the words she speaks, probably making reference to how Gojo was able to pilot Champion Blessing back to shore after Geto met his end. 

The look in her eyes is gone almost as quickly as it appears and then she gets up from where she sits in the chair in the corner of the small space. She makes her way to exit the room and leave the two boys alone, but stops as she opens the curtain. Without turning back she utters a quick, "Get some rest," and then disappears somewhere else in the infirmary. 

Yuuta doesn't know how much longer he stays there, but when he comes to realize that Toge probably wouldn't be getting up soon, he decides he should let him rest by himself. 

That, and if he looks at the younger boy any longer, he thinks he might die of guilt. Yuuta saved them both, yet he's the only one walking around and conscious, Yuuta saved them both yet he has all his limbs and Toge...

He takes a peak at his left shoulder again, lifting the blanket up as if to check one more time and—

Yes, that confirms it once more, it's not there.

Standing above Toge for a moment, Yuuta leans down until his lips hover slightly above Toge's forehead and he hesitates.

He closes his eyes and straightens once more.

As he takes in Toge's injuries one more time, he chokes back his tears.

He doesn't deserve to kiss him, no, with how clumsy he was, Yuuta was afraid he might cause him further harm.

Instead he gives Toge's hand one last squeeze, makes sure he's tucked in properly, and then leaves without another word.

Heading back to his room takes just as long as heading to the infirmary did, Yuuta becoming aware of his pain once more.

When he reaches his room, he doesn't even bother to turn off the lights, just falls onto his bed and lets his tears soak into his pillows, missing the feeling of Toge's hand in his, missing the way Toge would cling to him like he had grown used to for the past few nights.

When Yuuta falls asleep, he doesn't resist it.

Lately, Yuuta has been feeling empty. 

Like, he is just an empty body with nothing inside, just going through the motions of living without actually living. He would feel that way every now and then, but following the Shibuya incident, that feeling increased ten fold. 

Normally, Toge would be there for him. Toge would be there to keep him grounded to reassure him. Whenever he got like this, the younger boy would always be quick to try and get his mind off of whatever it was that was invading Yuuta’s head. 

Now, Yuuta didn’t have that.

He knows that he shouldn’t be avoiding the other boy but Yuuta doesn’t think he’s mentally or emotionally ready to see him again, and yet, at the same time, being apart from him is only making him feel worse. 

It had been a few days since the last attacks happened, leaving a large chunk of Shibuya in complete disrepair. The moral in the shatterdome was buried six feet under ground alongside many of unfortunate citizens that failed to evacuate on time and then some… 

A few days.

A few days of trying to rebuild, trying to prepare for whenever another movement would be noticed. 

A few days of avoiding Toge like the plague. 

When the younger boy had woken up Yuuta felt waves of relief crash over him, finally, he felt like he could rest easily at night. He had been the first person told, according to Dr.Ieir, and he felt conflicted that Toge would ask for him after failing to bring him back in once piece. He remembered standing just on the other side of the curtain to Toge’s room in the medical area, pondering if he should go in or not. 

In the end, he chose against it, not knowing if he would ever be ready to confront Toge again. 

Yuuta’s heart broke when, the day after Toge had awoken, Dr.Ieri had approached him to say that the younger boy had asked for him. He gave her no response, chosing to ignore the look of subtle dissapointment on her face as he just walked away back towards his room where he had been surrounding himself in his own negativity. 

A large part of Yuuta is still holding out hope that this is all just some kind of twisted nightmare. That he’ll wake up at any moment, safe in Toge’s arms as the other boy comforts him until he gets back to sleep. 

He wakes up in the middle of the night, pain shooting throughout his body. When it proves to be too distracting, he gets up and walks through the corridors of the shatterdome, passing by crying faces. He stops just before Toge’s room in the infirmary and thinks about the empty one across from his own and Yuuta is hit in the face all over again that this is real. 

Yuuta has concerns over many things, but right now, what eats away at his mind is what he’ll do when Toge eventually gets discharged. The other boy didn’t like being ignored, much less when he was being ignored by someone he cared about so deeply. Surely, the moment Toge was allowed to walk about the place without supervision, he would make a b-line to Yuuta to stare at him angrily until Yuuta managed to stutter out an apology. 

Caught up in his thoughts, Yuuta realizes that he’s passing by the infirmary. It seems that these days, his body has been bringing him back here without him even noticing. Almost as if it was trying to get him close to Toge again. 

As Yuuta passes by the door, it opens and out walks someone. 

Not just someone, Yuuta notes, Maki. 

Though, one might not realize by looking at her the way she was now. Yuuta certainly didn’t when he first visited her after the attack. 

All of the jaeger teams involved that day had suffered massive damage, both to themselves and the machines as well. According to what Maki had told him, the kaiju Heavenly Rosa was sent out to fight had some sort of ability to spray acid. Very quickly, it shot a stream of it directly at their conn-pod only for it to melt right through it. Shrapnel from a hit they got began flying at them too and the result was a now short-haired Maki covered head-to-toe with chemical burns and only one functioning eye. 

Nobara, he had learned, suffered far worse. Burned equally as bad and with a matching missing eye, the attack had been primarily focused on her side of the pod. Currently, she was hooked up to a variety of life support machines with none of the doctors being able to say for certain when she would wake up. 

That is to say, if she woke up. 

Maki had been visiting her every day, but every day that passed that her co-pilot didn’t wake up, the more she looked like she was ready to crawl into a casket of her own. She brought her fresh red roses everyday since then, going in to visit the girl, staying by her bedside for hours, sometimes, entire days at a time. 

Not saying a word, Maki passes Yuuta by as if he isn’t even there and Yuuta is slightly thankful. He wouldn’t know what to say to her to cheer her up, not when he looks like he wants to be somewhere else just as much as she does. 

He stops for a second. 

And as Maki round the corner out of eye sight, he backtracks to the infirmary door and enters. 

He walks, not to Toge’s room, but to Nobara’s feeling out of place as he pulls back the curtain. The girl, much like Maki, was wrapped in gauze, the only visible part of her was her left eye, the one that remained unharmed. She had a breathing tube down her throat and was hooked up to oxygen. A variety of wires and IVs connected her to even more machines that monitored her status. Around her room was a small garden’s worth of red roses, some fresh and some so dead the petals begun falling to the ground. 

Truthfully, Yuuta didn’t know the extremely girl well. He always had a feeling that she didn’t exactly like him, what with the way she seemed to puff her chest out and circle around Maki protectively anytime she saw him interact with the older girl. But she, according to both Maki and Toge was kind.

Confident and destructive in a way that was graceful.

She and Toge shared some common interests as well, and last he heard from Toge’s gossip, he had struck a deal to become her “wingman,” though, Yuuta didn’t really know too much about that. 

Still, even if Yuuta didn’t know her that well, he looks at her and hopes that she’ll wake up. For Maki’s sake at least. She’s resilient from what everyone says, so he knows prays that she’ll come back to rejoin them. 

Bowing to her, Yuuta makes his leave. 

Since the incident, there had been not a smile in sight on anyone’s faces. No sound of laughter, not even a giggle.

No, everyone was much too tired to even speak most of the time. 

Especially Itadori. 

It’s a jarring sight to see, something that makes it feel like there’s a knife twisting in his gut. 

Itadori, who was alway happy always smiling, now moving as silent as a mouse through the shatterdome. He was disheveled beyond belief, eyes red and puffy from constantly crying, he who was once a bright light to everyone around him, was now burnt out. 

Yuuta watches as Megumi pulls Itadori into his side closer. The pink-haired boy is crying again, rubbing his eyes harshly, his body shakes as he tries to quiet his sobbing, not wanting to disturb anyone.

Itadori is always considerate like that. 

Frankly, it’s like watching a happy puppy be kicked and whine. 

Yuuta knew.

He knew from the beginning that eventually, something like that would happen. It happened to everyone who was a pilot, a moment that made the reality sink into their hearts, ingraining the sight of blood and horror into their minds, but he didn’t think it would happen so soon for either Megumi or Itadori.

If it were up to Yuuta, his juniors would have never experienced that at all.

To witness something of that magnitude on their very first mission together… Yuuta couldn’t begin to fathom it.

He watches as violent sobs begin to rip through Itadori and Megumi can only hold him tighter, not knowing what else to do.

Pain.

Itadori is in pain.

a pain unlike any other, the pain that comes when you lose someone important to you, when you lose someone you love.
 

If yuuta remembered correctly, the two pilots of Divine Nocturne were friends with Nobara, but alongside that, Itadori was also dealing with something even more devastating. 

While Heavenly Rosa was being attacked by the category 4 kaiju, code named “Mahito,” the jaeger Fortuna Septa was sent as back up. It managed to keep the pilots of Heavenly Rosa, Maki and Nobara, alive and also managed to kill the kaiju. 

However, as a result, Fortuna Septa was all but blown to pieces, and both of its pilots, Nanami Kento and Haibara Yu lost their lives. 

Yuuta remembers both men vaguely. They were veteran pilots, had been fighting alongside each other for years. One of the strongest pairs the Tokyo shatterdome had ever seen. Nanami was a serious man, well intentioned though, he always hated how young many of the cadets were. “Like children to the slaughter,” is how he always described it. His husband, Haibara Yu, was the exact opposite of him. He didn’t take things too seriously and did everything with a smile on his face.

Both were great people, and great pilots.

But Yuuta knew, just like most people in the shatterdome did, that they meant more to Itadori than that. After a kaiju attack that took his grandfather's life, Itadori was subsequently taken in by the men. They never officially adopted him, but they did practically raise him and it was evident with the way they interacted with him that they thought of him as a son, and Yuuji considered them like fathers. 

And he had lost both on the same day. 

When another heart-wrenching sob makes it’s way through Itadori, Megumi closes his eyes, looking as if he might start crying as well. Then, cautiously, Megumi places a tender kiss on the top of Itadori’s head. He relaxes instantly, though his tears don’t stop right away.

Yuuta forces himself to look away. 

This is a private moment and he’s intruding. He walks away, out of sight and down another corridor to give them some space. 

As he continues wandering throughout the shatterdome, he tries to distract himself from his thoughts. They buzz loudly in his head and he does this best to resist giving into what the voice in his head tells him. He counts the dots on the floors, the ceilings, the number of people he crosses paths with as he heads back to the pilot’s dorms. 

Gojo’s room is the second door when you enter into the pilot’s wing. It has divots in the metal from where, according to him, he and his late husband would punch whenever they got drunk after a successful mission together. The door also has a collection of obnoxious stickers, magnets, and sticky notes left there by other pilots. 

There are photographs too. 

Photos of some of the pilots when they were still cadets, pictures of Gojo when he had first entered the program. He smiles bittersweetly as he sees a picture of himself and Toge in the top right corner of the door. They look so young there, it had been taken almost immediately after their very first drift together, back before Yuuta hit his growth spurt and still had an unkempt mop of black hair on his head and back when Toge still had his more cropped, spiked style. They sported matching nosebleeds from the overwhelming energy placed on them from the drift, but they were smiling nonetheless, Gojo in between the two of them throwing up peace signs. 

Taking a step closer towards the door Yuuta considers knocking on it. 

He supposed that he owes the blue-eyed man a thank you.

Among the things Dr.Ieiri told him about the aftermath of the attack, one of the other things that stuck in his mind was when she told him the the one to save them from the wreckage of their caved in conn-pod was Gojo himself. 

She had told him that the man had heard the events taking place in LOCCENT, and that once their connection was broken, he had swiftly left and rushed over to Champion Solo, a single pilot jaeger he was only allowed to use if there was a dire emergency. 

In the end, Gojo had arrived just in time to save the two of them from drowning as Vengeful Thorn began taking in water. 

Gojo hadn’t been out of his room since. 

Or at least, Yuuta doesn’t think he has. He’s been wandering around aimlessly for the past week at every hour of the morning and night and not once had he come across Gojo while he made his rounds. 

To say Yuuta is concerned would be an understatement, but then again, Yuuta has been concerned about everyone these days. 

With a fist hovering a few inches away from the door, he slowly relaxes it and puts it back at his side. 

He doesn’t think he should bother him right now. If he was in there for that long then there must’ve been a reason, if it really becomes too concerning then Yuuta could just call Dr. Ieiri and she would come and drag him out of there by the ear. 

The exhaustion begins to catch up to Yuuta when he finally makes it back to his room. Across from it is Toge’s though, his door is closed and Yuuta knows that he’s probably asleep. 

Part of him was disappointed when he opened his door after Toge was discharged and he didn’t find the younger boy curled up on his bed. Yuuta thinks that it’s his way of showing his anger at Yuuta for ignoring him. 

Like with Gojo, Yuuta considers knocking in his door, but, after checking the time, he again decides against it. 

After some deliberation on whether or not to stay up for the third day straight, Yuuta finally opens the door to his room. 

He’s tired.

Tired of a lot of things, but his physical tiredness has made its way to the forefront, managing to drown out even his loudest inner thoughts. 

Relishing in his silent mind for the first time in what seems like days, Yuuta’s head hits the pillow. 

Asleep before he even hits the bed.

The nightmares he has are always terrible. 

Movies of atrocities that he’s forced to watch happen without any control over them whatsoever. 

Trapped in his own head, scenes of tragedy are never ending. 

Rika dies and then Toge dies, and it just continues like that, flipping back and forth between both memories. 

Yuuta regrets going to sleep, but now, as much as he wants, he can’t force himself awake. 

If he opens his eyes, there will be no Toge there to sooth him, to rub circles in his back and whisper kind nothings into the top of his head. If he opens his eyes, there won’t be anyone there to hold him as he breaks down once again. 

If he wakes himself up now, there will be no one. 

He thinks that maybe he should’ve gotten used to being alone, yet, the thought of being greeted by nothing but the dark emptiness of his room if he opens his eyes, keeps him glued in his unconsciousness as Rika and Toge die for another time. 

Sleep has become harder.

Now, almost two weeks after the attack on Shibuya happened, Yuuta thought that by this time, he'd have gotten used to the loneliness some more. 

On the contrary, it's only become steadily worse. 

He's been avoiding Toge since he was discharged, ignoring whenever the younger boy would knock on his door, trying his best not to feel like his heart is getting ripped out. He imagines the way Toge would probably have that sad look in his eye when he realizes Yuuta wouldn't answer. 

Yuuta wants to see him, wants to speak with him so badly, but he's afraid that at this point, he's already ruined things beyond repair. He's been a mess, avoiding sleep as much as he could as whenever he did manage to get some rest, he would only have the same nightmares over and over again. 

Rolling onto his side, Yuuta looks at the digital alarm clock on the table at the side of his bed. 

4:00am

Deciding that he probably won't be able to sleep anymore, Yuuta sits up in bed. All things considered, he's overjoyed that Toge is alive. He's been watching the younger boy get used to only having one arm and every time he tries to build up the courage to speak to him, he takes a look at his lack of arm and his anxiety comes back at full force. Still, he's glad that there haven't been any kaiju attacks since the one that claimed so many people. 

But in a way, as nice as the break was, it only made Yuuta more agitated, wondering when the next attack would be and if it would be bigger, more kaiju than the pilots could fight off.

He is surrounded by darkness.

Just like countless nights prior, as he begins to wake up more, his mind starts coming to life with all his insecurities.

Only this time it's much worse.

For a long time, at least since the time that Rika died, he had wondered what his purpose was anymore. Yuuta often thought about if any of it was worth it, if it was worth trying to fight monsters when all their attempts had proven futile. The only thing fighting them led to was people dying. How much longer would he continue on like this? That was the question that had invaded Yuuta's mind for the past two weeks. He had thought that way even before then, but back then, Toge was there to snap him out of it. 

Now, there is nothing stopping him.

No one there to wipe away his tears as he thinks about all the people he's failed throughout his life. He failed Rika, he failed Toge, he failed all the innocent citizens who died during the attack, and Yuuta feels like he's failed himself. 

He can't stand it anymore.

Stepping onto the floor, Yuuta needs to get out of his room, all the negative energy he's accumulated in there threatens to overpower him. He needs to talk to someone, anyone, preferably the pale-haired boy that's probably sleeping soundly in the room across from his. 

Instead of that, Yuuta goes on another early morning walk. As he creeps his way towards the jaeger hanger, Yuuta feels like he's a ghost, haunting the hallways as everyone else tries to recover.

Would Toge miss him if he were to go away? 

Yuuta shakes his head violently, no—

He's been inside of Toge's mind, he knows fully well that if something were to happen to him, Toge would be the first to be by his side. 

But he's worthless right? A pathetic excuse for a pilot, he couldn't protect anyone, not Rika, not Toge.

He slams his head into his hands and grabs at his hair with all his strength trying to will those thoughts away.

That's not true, at the very least, Toge would never think Yuuta pathetic, he's been in his mind, he's seen the way Toge sees him. The admiration, the respect, Yuuta tries to reassure himself again. Toge would probably punch him in the face if he found out he was thinking that way. (That's not true, Yuuta thinks. Toge would never hit him, not if they weren't sparring in the kwoon at least.)

In the shatterdome hanger, Yuuta stands on the platform of level A-42.

Across from him is Vengeful Thorn, looking like she'd seen better days, scratches and exposed wiring as far as the eye could see. It, like all the other jaegers that had been sent out on that mission, were in the middle of major overhauls and repairs. He's surprised that they were able to salvage that much of Vengeful Thorn in the first place. On one hand, he was happy that their jaeger was still with them, the very vessel that had come to represent their bond. On the other hand, seeing Vengeful Thorn being brought back from the depths of the ocean makes him angry.

"Let her rest," he thinks, because if she rests, then he and Toge can finally rest too.

But Yuuta knows.

As soon as the repairs are completed Yuuta will be forced back into the fray, that's not what angers him the most though. That honor goes to the fact that, even with only one arm, the higher-ups had decided to keep Toge as a pilot.

He had lost his left arm, but Toge piloted the right side, and therefore, by the logic of the cold hearted higher-ups, he was still fit and expected to return to piloting a jaeger as soon as he could. 

"How dare they?" Yuuta thought, "How dare they make Toge get back inside of one?" 

Yuuta could not fathom how they would expect Toge to risk his life again after he had been mutilated, permanently injured while on the job. 

Like so many other times before, Yuuta wished that he could just take Toge by the hand and run away with him. He had mentioned it to the other before, with the guise of it being just a joke, though, Toge could always tell that there was a hint of seriousness whenever he suggested it. 

Yuuta used to dream about the day he mustered up the courage to tell Toge his feelings face to face, that then, Toge would finally understand and retire with him.

He joked about living on a farm far away from the coast, but the more Yuuta joked about it, the more he wanted that fantasy to become real. Raising animals together, growing some crops, not a care in the world but each other. Toge would tend to his beloved garden while a couple of dogs barked in the background, maybe some cats too because Toge loved cats just as much, and Yuuta would be in their small, but comfortable home's kitchen, trying not to burn it down while he prepared dinner for two. 

What a shame that it's all in Yuuta's head.

What a shame that all of that is wishful thinking, a childish dream conjured up as an attempt to escape from the reality they existed in. 

He squeezes his eyes shut and grasps at the railing in front of him feeling as the cold metal makes contact with his hands. 

Things used to be so much more simple when he was a cadet.

Back then, all he had to worry about was the possibility of getting kicked out of the jaeger program entirely, and sometimes, Yuuta wonders if it would have been better that way. But he thinks of Toge, he thinks of everyone and feels that as much pain as it causes him, he'll stick with it for them. He'll continue on as a pilot because if he doesn't, who will? If he doesn't, he knows Toge is too stubborn to quit and will just be assigned a new partner and Yuuta couldn't have that. 

When he opens his eyes, he thinks his mind might just be playing tricks on him.

Rubbing at them vigorously, he closes them and then opens them again and—

"Is this real," He says to himself silently. 

Seeing Toge on the platform across from him is like having a bucket of ice water poured on him.

Shocking, but also much needed. 

If the other boy notices him, he does nothing to show it. Instead, all of Toge's attention seems to be on their jaeger, even in the dim lighting and on the other side of the platform, Yuuta can see that sadness in the younger boy's eyes as he slowly scans over the gigantic machine.

Yuuta doesn't know what he should do, if he should go to him, try and get him to look at Yuuta, to save him from his own thoughts, or if he should let the other boy be. He's caused him enough harm to last a lifetime, would he really be in the mood to see Yuuta?

He contemplates going back to his room, or at least, going somewhere else in the shatterdome that wasn't here. 

As per usual, Toge is quicker than him. 

The younger boy turns his head and looks directly into Yuuta's murky green eyes with his own stunningly purple ones.

Yuuta can feel his breath catch in his throat.

Toge takes one look at him and Yuuta feels like he's staring directly past his physical body and instead looking straight into his soul. He feels vulnerable, exposed, yet something about it is comforting. Because Toge knows him better than Yuuta knows himself, Toge can see the tell tale signs of panic, of turmoil, bubbling within Yuuta. 

Quickly, Yuuta looks away, walks a couple of steps and then ducks behind a pillar to obscure himself, hoping that Toge might've just thought he was seeing something. 

After a few minutes of standing there, Yuuta thinks he's in the clear. Carefully, he pokes his head out to peer past the pillar at looks across the platform to where Toge had been standing moments prior. To his relief the other boy was no longer there, possibly too tired to deal with whatever Yuuta was going through, and while that thought hurt him a bit, Yuuta was glad he got to avoid a probably very awkward confrontation.  

He lets out a sigh of relief and turns to the other side, ready to leave.

The only thing that leaves is Yuuta's soul right out of his body.

The moment he turns around he's met face to face with Toge. Yuuta hadn't even heard the other boy's footsteps approaching him, yet here he is now, seemingly materialized before his very eyes, looking at Yuuta with big eyes full of concern. He wears no mask and his lips are turned down in a frown. 

Yuuta gulps, opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. He has no excuse, he doesn't know what to say, but Toge doesn't seem bothered with that. 

Instead, the other boy simply looks at Yuuta with quiet concern and then gently reaches for Yuuta's hand. Toge's expression shows a bit of hurt as Yuuta flinches from the touch, having grown used to not much physical interaction throughout the past two weeks. But Toge continues holding his hand, using his thumb to gently rub Yuuta's until the older boy finally eases his tension and relishes in the feeling of Toge's hand in his once more. 

He's missed it, the hand holding.

It feels like it's been ages, when really it's only been less than a month, yet the touch that once felt so natural feels foreign to him now.

Yuuta wants to change that, Yuuta wants to go back to how things were before.

Toge pulls him along, tugging at his sleeve and placing a hand on his back to guide him through the shatterdome as it slowly begins to get brighter due to the sun starting to rise. 

Before he knows it, the two are stood in front of Yuuta's room and he fully expects for Toge to just push him into bed and then leave to his own room to get some sleep as well, but Toge opens the door and walks inside and when Yuuta makes no move to step in himself, he sighs, steps back out and gives Yuuta a light push, closing the door behind them when Yuuta is finally fully inside. 

Honestly, Yuuta could go for a shower, though, unlike the few times this had happened before, Toge decided to forego it. He pushes Yuuta onto the bed and pulls the covers over him. For a brief second, Yuuta feels panic start to bubble up, fearing that Toge might leave after he's turned off the light and so he grabs his wrist to keep him from moving any further. Toge pauses and looks at Yuuta, eyes soft and Yuuta doesn't need him to say words to understand that Toge wouldn't leave.

He lets go of the boy's wrist, watches as he turns the light off and then crawls into bed next to Yuuta, turning on a small lamp on the table. 

They face each other for who knows how long, looking into each other's eyes, having a conversation without saying anything out loud. 

Then, Toge pulls Yuuta into himself, holding on as tightly as he could with one arm. Yuuta buries his face into Toge's chest and begins himself feeling to shake, feeling the tears, feeling all the emotions he'd built up over the weeks come to its boiling point. 

He listens to Toge's heartbeat, a steady thrum grounding Yuuta, providing him comfort.

Toge rubs circles into his back with his one hand, chin resting atop of Yuuta's head and Yuuta's breath catches.

As if Toge were telling him to "let it out," Yuuta lets everything go.

He lets out a strangled yell right into Toge's chest and before he know it, he's crying harder than he ever had before, shaking uncontrollably and sobbing, tears staining Toge's shirt, but the other makes not indication of disgust, instead, holding onto Yuuta even more.

Yuuta's cries begin to wane down. Hiccuping and catching his breath, an occasional whimper sneaking past his throat.

Toge's hand stops rubbing and he unwraps his arm from Yuuta, the black-haired boy immediately chasing after him to regain contact. Before he could catch him, Toge uses his one remaining hand to tilt Yuuta's head upwards to make eye contact, he looks into Yuuta's eyes tenderly and then brushes away a stray tear.

And then,

Toge kisses Yuuta's forehead.

Soft and chaste, so delicate that Yuuta wonders if his lips really touched him at all.

With his eyes widened in shock, he watches as Toge looks away shyly, and Yuuta can tell that the boy was uncertain about it, probably anxious at Yuuta's lack of reaction. 

So Yuuta kisses him back, quickly, clumsily, because Yuuta has never kissed anyone before, he aims for Toge's mouth, but misses as Toge turns his head a bit more and lands on his cheek instead.

When Toge looks at him with his own eyes wide, Yuuta can feel the embarrassment as the attention falls to him.

As the look at each other, a second passes, then two then three then—

Toge laughs, shoulders shaking, mouth pulled upwards revealing his dimples and Yuuta follows suit, laughing quietly at their lack of skill, at their awkwardness. 

One more time, Toge kisses Yuuta's forehead, more confidently this time, and then pulls the cover up on the both of them, finally, when they're both situated, he turns off the lamp and the two are left in complete darkness. 

Unlike the days before, Yuuta is no longer afraid of it.

His mind soothed as he places his head on Toge's chest once again, allowing his heart to lull him to sleep. 

As he does so he thinks about how, despite all of this, they'll still need to have a long conversation about everything. He knows that when he wakes up, Toge will definitely give him an ear full about ignoring him, but that's a bridge they'll cross when they get there.

For now, Yuuta wants to savor the present. 

Right then, Yuuta doesn't want to think about the world being attacked, he doesn't want to think about two weeks ago, he doesn't even want to think about tomorrow. 

Just the "here and now," just him and Toge.

Because that's what matters in that moment.

That he and Toge are still together, that they're still alive. 

Yuuta falls asleep without noticing, no nightmares playing, only him and Toge blissfully in peace.

He thinks, he can allow himself to be selfish just this once. 

In the breach, there's movement.

In the room, there is only silence.