Chapter Text
Jordan Henderson hadn’t been home in five days. He lived alone in his flat, so there was no one waiting for him. He put a white coat in his locker, and put on a black jacket and left the locker room of the pediatrician’s office. As he walked down the corridor from the lecture hall of the Faculty of Medicine - where the medical office was located - to the medical building of the University Hospital, he passed a colleague. He smiled as he saw Jordan in his casual clothes.
“You look so dead, Hendo. Are you alright?”
“Yeah, thanks.” Jordan returned the look with a wry smile.
After what can only be described as a 'so dead', here he was. On Saturday and Sunday he’d been asked to work night duty at a different hospital to the one where he works. On Monday morning, he went straight to work at his hospital and was on duty until the next morning, again, and on Tuesday he had to give up going home because his operation took until the night.
I can go home because it’s Wednesday. He thought dully. Finally, he could finish today without any problems after three consecutive nights and a long operation. On Wednesdays, there were fewer doctors out of the hospital, so there was more availability. In addition, there were no operations except emergency ones.
In this evening, as he sat in the record room with staring at the results of today's angiogram, he was approached by a senior doctor.
“What’s going on with your quality of life? Go home now!”
You should get one foot in normal life. You’ll die if you don’t. The senior doctor had snarled and strode off to the nurses' station.
Across the corridor was the fifth floor of the hospital. The colours became more softer. In the lift hall, inpatients, visitors and a few nurses were looking up at the number of floors. Glancing sideways, he pushed open the door to the stairwell and slid in.
There were eight lifts in the centre, but most of the staff used the fire escape to get to and from the hospital. They didn't run up from the first to the seventh floor, because each department had its own floor to go to. In Jordan’s case, he was based on the seventh floor, where his department of paediatric was based. But he often went to the basement and fourth floor - went down to the basement for tests, and on the fourth floor for surgery - both of which required him to accompany patients on stretchers. So he used a sleeper lift.
And now that he was in casual clothes, he didn't want to face his patients or their families. He remembered his colleague Milly said with rubbing his square chin, “Without white coats we're just dudes, you know.”
Jordan agreed with him. To go to the trouble of destroying their image with patients could be detrimental to their work. He put his hands in his jacket pockets and started down the stairs.
There were no windows in the stairwell, so the whole area was darkened. Grey walls and white staircase were lit by fluorescent lights. A sound of someone running down the stairs reverberated in the small space. A male employee of the medical department dressed in a shirt and tie came up, papers in his hand.
It was on the fourth floor that Jordan met Adam Lallana, a nurse who worked on the same ward. On this floor there was a locker room for the nursing staff. Adam was not wearing scrubs when he opened the door to the stairwell, so he must be leaving work. His brown eyes widened in surprise at the sight of Jordan, but he soon smiled.
“Dr Henderson! can you go home now? Cheers,”
“Hi,” Jordan said, “I’ve never left work with nurses on the day shift before.” without pausing, walked around the landing and down the stairs. Adam's footsteps followed behind him.
Adam had a four-year nursing degree and Jordan also had a four-year medical degree, but Adam was two years older and had been in the job longer. On the wards, he was unflappable in his interactions with patients and their families, and was unfazed by sudden changes in their condition. Jordan had occasionally seen him following up with a junior nurse. Among the female staff working in the hospital, Adam was popular for his cheerful and upbeat personality. “He’s a nurse who cares.” One of the senior doctors had said.
Adam looked at the empty-handed Jordan and tilted his head. “Doctor, what happened to your luggage?”
“I just want to eat, go home and go to bed.”
Leaving dirty clothes in the locker was sloppy, but taking them home and washing them tonight was a hassle. He had walked out of the locker room with only his wallet and mobile phone in his jeans pockets.
He thought he was going to be ridiculed, but Adam lowered his eyebrows just a little.
“Thank you for five days of work.”
He only said this in a subdued voice that echoed his sentiments exactly. Jordan glanced back at Adam, who was three flights of stairs behind him. Five days, he said, meaning that he knew Jordan had been working since Saturday. You could raise an eyebrow and said, “How did you know?” Or surprised that he knew. It depends on who you ask. In Jordan's case, it seemed to be the latter.
The door leading from the stairwell to the ground floor was completely open. He began to walk down the wide corridor lined with shops and ATMs towards the service entrance. Adam, who was walking behind Jordan, quickened the pace and lined up next to him.
Adam was a tiny man, and now he was wearing a bulky jumper that made him look even smaller. His normally neatly set quiff was a mess and his fringes hung over his forehead. He noticed that Jordan looked down at his jumper sleeves that covered fingers.
“I just bought this last week, actually,” Adam said cheerfully, “it’s got a big pocket here. Very handy, isn’t it?”
Jordan’s cheeks relaxed awkwardly as Adam zipped and unzipped his pocket. He didn’t know how long it’d been since he’d smiled. It’d been so long since he’d even had a normal conversation. He didn’t know why, but it was nice to think Adam’s genuine smile was directed only at him. He felt as if he wanted to hold on to this feeling for just a little longer, so he called out to him. “Do you have any plans after this?”
“No,” Adam shook his head, his hair waving.
“How about have a dinner,”
“Dinner? Sure, but why me?”
Adam’s face seemed to tighten slightly. Jordan hurried to continue. “It’s been a while since I’ve eaten properly, so I want a good meal. It’s hard to go into a place like that alone so I invited you to join me. If you don’t like it, you can say no.”
Instantly, Adam vigorously shook his head.
“Oh no, I don't mind! I didn't know you were sociable enough to dine with an acquaintance like me. I’d be delighted to accompany you!” He laughed, and looked really pleased with himself.
Sociable? You tell me. Jordan’s mouth twisted in amusement. Asking a colleague out to dinner was not something he would normally do. It's not like me, he thought, and wondered if this was what normal life was like. No, it’s not normal - it’s special.
It was already dusk when they stepped out of the automatic doors of the service entrance. Jordan felt the cool night breeze on his cheeks and noticed a slight heat on his face. Quickening his pace a little, he looked back over his shoulder and called out. “I’ll go to the car park and get the car. Wait here.”
Adam’s small reply came back. Jordan spontaneously broke into a run.
Jordan took Adam to an Italian restaurant in a high-rise building that had been rebuilt two years ago. The restaurant, decorated in red and white, was mostly full of customers, even though it was mid-week. Thanks to their relatively early arrival, they were able to slip into last tables. There was a beautiful night view through the all-glass windows. In the open kitchen in the middle of the floor, white-capped cooks were working busily, one in the foreground carefully washing frilly lettuce. In the back of the room, a burner was being used, perhaps to finish the main course. Adam sat down at the back of the table, his chin slightly raised as he watched the kitchen.
“Great ambiance. Do you come here often, doctor?”
“No. When I was in the neonatal, Dr Gerrard brought me here with other guys. Haven’t been here since.”
It was only last year that he was in the department of prematurity and neonatology. It felt like he had been away from the world for a very long time, not just the last five days. Jordan sighed and Adam, who was sitting in front of him, straightened his posture and bowed his head slightly. “Five days, you must be exhausted.”
“Uh... yeah.” Jordan said, "How did you know that?"
"Well, on Friday, Dr Carragher said he’d found a replacement for Saturday. I knew you’d be working the night shift on Monday.”
“Oh,” Does he know about all my work schedule?
“Three nights in a row... it’s not easy, is it? How often do you do that,”
Jordan took a sip of water from his glass, the chilled mineral water felt good in his throat. “Not really. I’m on duty at the nursing home on weekends and it’s not that busy. I can get a relatively good sleep. That’s why I took it.”
“Doctor, you’re a paediatrician, but you see adults too?”
“I’ve been told that if I want to start my own practice in the future, I need to be an internist. Could see parents as well as children.”
“I see.” Adam nodded surprisingly and admiringly.
The conversation went halt when a waiter approached and served them a starter of tomato cappellini. Adam’s face lit up as he looked at the plate full of bright red cut tomatoes.
“What were you planning to have today?” Jordan said, tentatively.
“Hmm? dunno, might have been home and made some meal, I think.”
Adam looked like a dog with dog food in front of him, but he didn’t pick up his fork. When Jordan got his hands on the food, he finally moved too. He scooped up a couple of strips of pasta with his silver fork, wrapped them expertly around the edge of the plate and popped them into his mouth. His back was consistently straight, without stooping to the table. He scooped up the pasta again without hesitation and twirled his fork around.
Jordan watched Adam as he ate. Looking down at his own hand, Jordan realised that before he knew it, he'd rolled it into a size that was too big to fit in one bite. He’d been in a daze. Then casually re-scooped the pasta.
“Doctor, what do you manage your meals?”
“Eat out. 100%.”
“...I don’t suppose you eat sandwiches from the kiosk all the time?”
“Um, if you have to ask.”
Adam put down his fork, pulled the napkin spread on his lap over his mouth and looked up. “That’s not normal. You’re going to break yourself.”
“Yeah, but - you’re not going to be busy all your life, right? I don’t want to do that. And it’s not like I don't have any free time at all. See, now I’m eating a decent grub like this.”
But he couldn’t immediately explain what he was doing, other than going back and forth between the hospital and his flat. Adam picked up his fork and resumed eating.
“So, what do you do on your days off?”
Jordan’s hand paused at Adam’s question that was posed as if he already knew the answer. Normally, Jordan would have tried to play it off or stiffen his demeanour to avoid further questions. But the calmness of Adam’s tone seemed to caress his tense heart.
“Sleeping all day.”
“Too bad!”
Jordan couldn’t help laughing at the playful accusation. “Well, that’s an exaggeration. I go to the gym, do the laundry, go shopping, that sort of thing.”
“Do you see your friends?”
“Occasionally.”
He didn’t have any friends from high school. His university friends had become his colleagues at work. They were all busy, and the only time they saw each other outside the hospital was at weddings and funerals. Thinking about this, he realised that he had no idea of personal relationships of the nurse in front of him.
“Okay I see,” Adam nodded, smugly, “that Dr Henderson, who is feared by children, is married to his work.”
Jordan finished his pasta and drank a glass of water. “The day of divorce may be near.”
“Ha ha. It’s funny. Seriously, you don’t have a girlfriend? ...a boyfriend or someone?”
Jordan shifted his gaze from Adam’s eyes and instead looked at Adam’s hand on the table. His fingers - include the ring finger - were still hidden by his sleeves. “Does it look like I have?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know you very well.”
“Yeah you don’t,” Jordan nodded four small times and rested his chin in his hand. He looked into Adam's eyes again, “do I look like the sort of guy who would ask someone out for a private dinner despite they have someone else?”
Adam’s eyes widened. “Is this a date?”
There was no anger, irritation or disgust in his expression, only surprise and a hint of embarrassment. Jordan had to turn his face away from it. Maybe Jordan was trying to justify himself, and failing. He could feel his cheeks burning. “I - I didn't mean it like that. But if you mistook it for a date -”
As Jordan looked up, Adam was grinning. Or rather, biting back a laugh.
“You...” Jordan glared at the man in front of him, and that made him start laughing at the ceiling.
Feeling hot to the ears, Jordan looked around to check other customers. As it was an open kitchen, the restaurant was filled with the sounds of cooking as well as chatting, and no one seemed to care about Adam’s laughter. A waiter came up to them, took their empty plates away and poured water into their glasses. Jordan narrowed his eyes and watched the glass being poured. To divert attention from the man who was still laughing.
“Sorry, sorry,“ Adam caught his breath, taking his glass. The smile was still on his lips. “It was a joke. I don't think of this as a date either,” he took a sip of water, “But looking at you right now, I’m starting to know that you have feelings. Even though you’re the Cold Hearted Dr. Henderson.”
“Huh,” Jordan snorted in displeasure.
Adam didn’t care. He put his elbows on the table and leaned forward. “So I think it might not be a bad idea to have a proper one next time.” Then again smiled from ear to ear.
Is this the kind of man Adam Lallana would have been? On the wards, he never did anything to embarrass Jordan. He just obeyed the instructions Jordan gave him, and never smiled in the way - charmingly, Jordan must admit - like he did right now before. In addition, in a year they had worked together, they had never exchanged a joke. Did Adam show this smile to his other colleagues? This kind of game, was normal for Adam?
“I’ll think about it.”
It was an unexpected night. As Jordan drove to his flat, he thought about tonight: the fatigue and sleepiness that had been building up for the past five days had all disappeared, replaced by a strange sense of tension.
They could hardly talk in the car on the way to the restaurant, so he wondered what was going to happen, actually. It was more because of Adam than anything Jordan had done that made this event work. Afterwards, Adam avoided talking about the date, he ate the food and laughed and talked happily throughout.
Adam Lallana was a nurse in his seventh year. In the eyes of Jordan, who had been a doctor for five years, he was a reliable nurse. He had been a surgeon ward for most of his career and was more skilled at performing procedures than other paediatric nurses. Jordan had always noticed that he came to work earlier than his shift, so used to think he had a good work ethic. But today Adam explained that was not truth.
“I’m sooooo...”
“Sooo?” Jordan couldn't help asking. Adam paused for a moment, “...clumsy with my hands.”
Jordan raised his eyebrows. “Is that so?”
“Yes, hopelessly.” He sounded dysphoric. “Please don’t tell anyone about this.”
"Why not?”
“Gosh, you bastard.”
Jordan laughed to himself as he remembered Adam’s puffed out cheeks. Adam's natural relaxed manner made Jordan feel comfortable, like a load off his mind, for the first time in a few years. Unlike when he was on the ward during his shift, Adam's expression changed so much. Jordan felt he’d never get tired of looking at the nurse.
As Adam pulled out his wallet to pay the bill, Jordan stopped him with a shake of his head. “I’d invited you, so I got it.” Adam thought for a moment and then looked down apologetically. “Thanks.” Jordan nodded and slipped his credit card and voucher into his wallet.
Did he want Adam to make a joke? Like, “You don’t need to worry about it because we’re not on a date,” or something? But after that he felt he was showing Adam off what it was like to be a doctor and a nurse, regretted.
When they left the restaurant, “It was really delicious. Thank you for bringing me here. It’s been a long time since I've had a nice chat over a meal.” Adam said, with a beautiful smile on the corners of his mouth. Jordan was glad he had invited Adam.
His car approached an intersection and he turned into the left-hand lane, checking the wing mirror. The lights of the city caressed the empty passenger seat. As he looked back ahead, he thought again of Adam, who had been sitting there only five minutes before.
“It’s not late. Doctor, I’m fine, just go home and get some rest.” Jordan almost forced Adam into the car and drove him to his flat. The flat was two blocks from the hospital, but it was quite a distance from the nearest station. The streets in the vicinity were dark and there were occasional sightings of suspicious people. “It’s dark in that area at night. Get in the car.” Hearing his words Adam nodded his head. “Thanks.” His voice sounded different from when Jordan had paid the bill.
- Jordan clutched his chest and gave a small cough. His throat tingled because of the dry air. Palpitations because he was tired. A good night's sleep will do him good tomorrow. He tried to tell himself.
But he soon gave up and sighed. He’d never been softened by the thought of someone's face and voice after saying goodbye like this. He’d never been that kind of type. The nurse gave him a lingering feeling of comfort.
“Fuck…” Jordan clutched his chest again.