Chapter Text
You kind of hate your boss.
No matter how many times you literally tell her how much you do not think you could do this thing, she still tells you that a) "Of course you can!" and b) "Do it or I will fire you". So as her intern-messenger-boy-person, she sends you to the place to do the thing, and you fuck it up anyway, despite her obvious belief in your abilities. Honestly, how do you still have the job. You are useless.
She wouldn't fire you anyway, you think, she's your sister. So...you don't really hate her, much.
You're sat in front of her now - on the floor, there aren't any seats in her office aside from her own luxury swivel chair. The floor is your best-friend right now; Jade glares at you from behind the desk. From this low-angle, you can't help your mind from imagining her as a mafia boss. Reality isn't too far from the thought, really. You've seen her fuck more shit up than you've seen movies. A halo of light blocked out her face from the window, obscuring most of your view of the disapproving glaring she was doing.
"John please, I can't have you working here if you're going to act like a child."
You rolled your eyes; technically, you were still a teenager...until April anyway. But that was three months away, and you don't really want to think about being twenty. Christ, you were only thirteen yesterday, where the fuck has time gone.
Jade glowered, her hands steepling atop her desk. You could only see a small portion of them because of the amount of shit and 'nifty' doo-dads she had on her workspace. But you knew she was cross with you, it was like she had an aura that leaked some kind of weird emotional energy everytime she was upset or angry. You remember calling her a witch when you were young. (You really need to stop dwelling on the past, Christ John. Your sister is married and owns a fucking business, but here you are thinking about how many ice cream flavors there actually are in existence. Pull it together).
"God, Jade, what pissed in your oatmeal?" You said, folding your arms and only confirming her previous statement of you being a ginormous child with a job.
"John I am not in the mood right now. Please just go back to whatever it was you were doing - didn't I tell you to clean the fishtank about an hour ago? - actually, scratch that idea," Jade jumbled, gesticulating with her hands wildly in accusation. Yes, you were supposed to clean the tank, but Eridan said he wanted to do it. There was a certain female who always admired the fish, he said. And obviously if he cleaned them she'd fall deeply and madly in love with him.
That's what he said, anyway. But you just knew the girl would have nothing to do with him in the end, though you got out of work for it. So that's a plus for you and a negative for him. Never liked him much anyway.
Jade ruffled through a stack of pages on her desk, shoving a pile of niknaks to the side for a better view of the actual space. She came up with a USB key, a little dusty and probably not used for two thousand years, but she immediately smiled when she found it, handing it to you with gusto. You pushed yourself from the floor with difficulty - wow you are so out of shape - and took it. Though Jade hung on, narrowing her eyes at you.
"Listen clearly: I want you to go down to the 2nd floor computer suite, you know the one. Mr.Captor has started there last week, you showed him around - remember? Specifically that one - I like the way it prints stuff."
Oh, you remember. You definitely remember the tall, nerdy guy that just oozed sex appeal. He was a fucking hacker from what you'd heard - how awesome is that?! Like an undercover spy in your very own workplace. Seriously, walking around the fifty story building was a blessing. You stared at him the whole time, and most likely showed him the same room three or four times, but who even cared. You get to see him again - and for a reason this time instead of just stalking him on his breaks...You need to go out more, you think.
"...is that clear?" Jade said, her voice soft but with an undertone of menacing. It took you exactly three seconds to make sure of the fact that yes, you had been daydreaming about the tech guy on floor 2....Again.
You nodded dumbly.
"Great! Have fun," Jade released the USB, letting you go with it. You think there might be some other meaning behind her words, but decide not to dwell on it too much. Somehow, Jade knows everything (not in the way Rose does, but you suspect they're both witches, so it doesn't really matter) and you don't quite know if you should never question her and what she says. So you don't.
She grinned at you, the same 'adorable' buckteeth you inherited appearing on cue. There was nothing adorable about Jade's teeth - more were-rabbit than bunny in your opinion.
You should probably get a move on, 'Mr.Captor's' break starts soon; you could miss him by the time you get down there!
With a reassuring thumbs up at Jade and an awkward 'I dropped the USB' fumble, you left her office feeling like your heart was doing some sort of dubstep-drumstep mashup. Seriously, you have it bad for him.
You greeted Jade's office staff appropriately on your way to the elevator, passing the janitor on the way. You could have sworn he was normally angrier - no insults today surprisingly. You did somehow 'trip' over the end of his mop when you got the elevator doors though. Your mistake, obviously. But ha, you accidentally stepped in a cream donut on your way through a break room, nice footprints behind you. Janitor ain't got nothing. You look forward to the complaints.
Ding, floor two. And look at that, someone is still in the computer suite! What luck, your day could be saved yet.
You crossed the threshhold of the elevator and walked passed the first few doors down to the fifth, the door was closed, so sadly you had the pleasant opportunity to alert the tech-guy to your glorious presence. NICE. THIS DOOR IS SQUEAKY.
You awkwardly shifted your weight as you opened the door, making eye contact with him and quite honestly dropping the bass of your heart. You closed the door behind you, and he returned to his work. You knew he didn't actually do much. So much in common, you two.
The printer was old and clunky, not like the newer modern ones you could actually use and real people created - this was like a fucking alien doomsday device. Still, it had a USB port, so maybe it was just an unknown brand or something? You don't know - you just jammed the thing in there and waited for the magic to happen, all the while stealing sideways glances at your eye candy...
Oh dear God what have you done why didn't you pay attention.
You heard the mess before you saw it; the mass of paper and ink spewing from the printer like a cut throat was enough to fuel a entire continent's worth of intricate wedding invitations - tje sound was both wet and dry. Paper flopping, but also the slap of black liquid on the floor...you don't think you ever want to describe it again.
"Are you literally serious I JUST fixed that printer, FUCK."
Your friend at the computer in the corner was turning bright red, anger, shame or embarrassment for you - all were viable choices. You just know you really fucked up here.
Chaos could not describe this, possibly "armageddon", or 'The Rapture" would work instead.
"Oh my God, what have I done - look I'll go get a -" you made an effort to move, but your bad choice in footwear crept up to haunt you; the ink on the floor looked so inviting, you think now would be a good time to fall into it.
Your hands, your trousers and most importantly the exact shape of your ass were covered in the inky nightmare. Thank you world. Nice going. Tech-guy must have taken some sort of sympathy on you , that or he wanted you to leave very quickly and never come back. He reached over your head and pushed a few buttons, ceasing the printer's foulmouth from saying anything else in your direction.
...
His crotch was in your face oh, drat.
He crouched down over your pathtic body, shoving the soggy papers into a wet pile before mumbling, "...leave it for KK."
As he was finishing up, he said more vocally, likely at your stupid self, "Why the fuck would even think that's a good idea, seriously, do you even know how to operate - what are you doing?"
Staring at you and dreaming of the day we get married. You didn't say that, you hope. In fact you said nothing and only managed to look at his mouth moving before realizing, no, you shouldn't have done that you actual imbecile...
Actually, wait yes that was a good idea. Well done, John. Nice thinking.
Tech-guy, whose name you learned from his nametag was Sollux, leaned down over you, bringing your face up with his hands and actually giving you what you thought would be the most memorable kiss of your life. Mostly because it feels like you are sitting in a puddle of piss.
He was a shockingly good kisser, sporadically switching from pressure to feather light pecks; unpredictable, but it made you kind of forget your whole life up until now. Tasted a bit like honey and toast, but besides that you were pleasantly in love with this man's kissing. You reached up and touched his waist with your fingertips, feeling his body heat through the fabric of his shirt. He'd have unexplainable prints there too, which sent a little shiver of delight through your already ecstatic body. It was at this point he pulled away, pecking your mouth one final time before opening his eyes and staring straight at you. They were narrowed in thought, an eyebrow raised quizzically.
"Hm."
Hm what? What exactly does 'hm' mean in this situation. 'Hm' good or 'Hm' bad -
"Not bad. Could you send Karkat - cranky janitor- down here on your way back up? Thanks."
Okay. You guess you'll just spend the rest of your day dwelling on what the fuck just happened.
You need advice. Pronto.