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Kacchan,
I love you.
I wanted to write that first in case if you didn't want to read the rest. I know I'm the last person you'd want those words from. But I haven't stopped loving you, since we were kids, and I'm not going to stop now. People probably think my #1 hero is All-Might, and it's true that I'll always look up to him.
But you've always been my #1, Kacchan.
You saved me in ways I wish I had time to write down. I wouldn't have gotten this far without you. I'm not in any position to ask for favors, but please--- don't let anyone look for me. And can you check on my mother every now and then? Please let her know none of this is her fault.
I know it's selfish, but...
All I wanted was to keep standing beside you.
But I know I need to see this to the end. I swear, I'll make this world a safer place for you and everyone. I love you so much, Kacchan. Thank you for everything.
Always yours,
IzukuP.S. There's something else in the envelope for you. I was going to give this to you when we graduate, but I think now is my only chance. I'm sorry I'm not there to ask the question.
"---I promise, 'kay?"
Despite the deafening, harsh sound of his own strained breathing, a pure voice from childhood memories reaches Izuku. The vigilante's not one to be superstitious, but Izuku wonders if this is a sign that he's close to the end. Death has been knocking relentlessly at his door with waning patience.
Excruciating pain devours Izuku alive, and burrows deep into his bones. The adrenaline overdose scorching every cell is enough to keep Izuku moving forward, but not enough to bless him with numbness. Every inhale digs invisible, piercing splinters further into internal organs. The slightest movement sparks white hot lightning through his veins, and mercilessly douses open wounds with salt.
More bodies thirsting for raw carnage barrel into Izuku. The vigilante stays on the defensive, since the innocent civilians are being controlled by a villain. Under the manipulation of unseen marionette strings, these civilians plead for their lives with terrified, bloodshot stares. Outrage blasts like solar flares within Izuku, and threatens to incinerate him from the inside out. This is why he has to keep fighting, keep going, keep taking down every villain.
But will it ever end? The violence, the cruelty, the injustice? Will the world ever truly be a safe place?
Whereas he can endure enemy attacks by gritting his teeth, Izuku's own fears and anxieties hone a blade sharp enough to stab between rib bones. The masked vigilante's no longer standing his ground, but falling through the trapdoor his traitorous mind breaks open. Izuku takes every punch, every kick, every attack, darkness bites at the edges of his vision, night arrives early, he doesn't remember dawn, the starving abyss pries open its jaws, everything is so cold---
And then there's light.
The brilliant, fiery light of Katsuki's explosion brings back the sun.
Katsuki falls from the vast blue sky like Icarus. Bright, blazing, fearless. A savage comet tearing apart everything in its path. As Izuku watches Katsuki fall towards him, there's no color in existence more vibrant than those crimson eyes. That vivid red sears into Izuku like the first day they met.
But the insidious oil spill of terror and dread floods Izuku's lungs. As Katsuki's waxen wings melt away, it dawns upon Izuku that he's the ocean, and he will inevitably drown this beautiful boy.
But it's not only Katsuki here to pull Izuku out of the dark. It's all of their friends. Everyone that loves Izuku more than he deserves.
Izuku needs to run.
He leaves U.A. and everyone behind to keep them safe. Why don't they understand that? Why do they keep chasing after him? Why are they fighting for him?
Why aren't they afraid of him?
Izuku can't look at himself in the mirror anymore. He avoids his reflection like the plague, or at least throws a towel over the surface, so he doesn't accidentally obliterate it with his fist. Izuku doesn't want All-Might and Hawks insist on helping clean up the mess. It already wounds them to witness Izuku punching out his own reflection, and pick up broken shards with his bare hands. Izuku won't hurt them anymore than he already has. So, he doesn't look at mirrors. Or he locks the door, and keeps everyone out.
Sometimes, Izuku catches a glimpse of a ghastly monster while soaring past skyscrapers. His first instinct is to launch an attack. But it crashes into Izuku seconds later the reflection of that Hellish creature is him. The warmth in his gaze is burned out by mad, feral light. He no longer carries his mother's eyes. Too much literal and figurative blood paints his hands, sometimes drenches his whole being. Even his voice serrates as if every word's shredded through white static. This costume designed in tribute for All-Might mutates into a Boogeyman haunting children's nightmares, and even his own.
Izuku's burning alive.
But everyone still reaches into the fire.
All-Might and Hawks sit on the other side of the locked bathroom door, and talk to Izuku through the night. When the door finally opens, they clean the dried blood from Izuku's hands, and bandage the hideous cuts. They don't comment on the boy's tears while he eats for the first time in days.
Now, his classmates are here to give Izuku words he hasn't earned. Izuku wants to gouge out his own eyes when he sees them smile through tears. Can't they see he's not worth it? That he'll only cause them pain? It's tempting to rip off his costume, and bark at them as he points at scar after scar after scar--- and maps out the fucked up constellations of damage Izuku inflicts upon himself.
Will that be enough to scare them away? Will that finally make them leave?
Or maybe it'll just make them stubborn as Hell.
Because even after their fall out years ago, even when 'Izuku' becomes 'Deku'--- Katsuki carries a travel-sized medkit in his backpack, drags Deku by the hand to a secluded storage room, and takes cares of hidden injuries. Katsuki will bark at Deku for passing by him in the hall, or even just breathing near him. But Katsuki never raises his voice, or even mutters a single unkind word while bandaging Deku's arm.
Today, Katsuki's here again. Giving words that shatter the armor that has melted onto Izuku's body composed of raw, third-degree burns. 'Deku' becomes 'Izuku', and Katsuki says:
"---I'm sorry for everything."
In stunned silence, Izuku stares. No matter how many times he replays those words, they don't change. The vigilante forgets how to breathe. His brain short-circuits, and his heart collapses. Katsuki's words guide Izuku back into his own body.
For so long, Izuku's been a cannibal towards himself, and stitching the Boogeyman's dead skin onto open wounds until he forgets what it feels like for his smile to reach his eyes, or hear the sound of his own laughter. But now the sutures unravel, and expose the frightened boy underneath. He's no longer the vigilante descending into a Hell of his own making. He's Midoriya Izuku, and he feels uglier than ever.
Izuku takes a step back.
Katsuki takes two steps forward.
And Katsuki keeps walking closer until reaching for Izuku's hand. A sob ruptures in Izuku's ribcage, and bleeds out of the corners of his mouth when his hand touches Katsuki's abdomen. Right over the place where Katsuki almost died from protecting Izuku.
"I'll never regret this." Katsuki presses Izuku's hand more against his body. The intense light in Katsuki's gaze doesn't waver even for a second. "I'll take hit after hit for you."
"No--" Horror consumes the greens of Izuku's eyes until darkness swallows all colors. Night terrors hold Izuku in a vice grip, and strangle the boy with his own screams. In his sleep, Izuku sees Katsuki stabbed over and over, too much red painting the sky, melting wax coating over gaping wounds, but doing fucking nothing to stop the bleeding. "Please, don't-"
"But you know what I can't fucking stand?" Growling, Katsuki digs through his pocket, and holds out his hand.
Resting on his palm is a silver ring.
A deafening uproar breaks out around Izuku and Katsuki. Their classmates react with a hurricane of sounds from shocked gasps to heartwrenching sobs to ecstatic shouts. Izuku stares at the ring, then at Katsuki, then back at the ring.
The silver band glimmers under the light. It's simple, yet elegant and strong. Only Izuku and Katsuki know there are three stars engraved on the inside. The stars are aligned in a row with the middle star being the biggest. Izuku tucked the ring into the envelope for Katsuki's letter. In spite of Izuku's usual clean, meticulous handwriting, Katsuki's letter is full of smudges and stains. Izuku couldn't stop crying, but there was no time to rewrite the letter.
Izuku's been carrying that ring for a while now, and he knows it's unlikely Katsuki will accept it. Not now. It's too soon. Izuku thought they would have more time together. He clings onto the hope that when graduation arrives, they'll be on better terms, and Izuku will prove himself to be someone worthy of love. He'll show his skin free of self-loathing and punishment, so Katsuki doesn't have to carry the medkit anymore. He won't have panic attacks at night, so they can share a bed, and maybe Katsuki can borrow his sweaters again. Katsuki's taller than him now, but Izuku still wears a size too big, thinking that maybe Katsuki will ask for one of his hoodies or flannels.
Knowing he may never see Katsuki again, Izuku chooses to give the ring now. But this isn't how Izuku imagines it. This isn't what Katsuki deserves.
Seeing Katsuki's knitted brows, and clenched jaw, Izuku braces himself for rejection.
Fierce light burns in Katsuki's eyes. "I can't stand how you stole my fucking thunder."
Blinking slowly, Izuku stares in bewilderment. "...what?"
Katsuki gets down on one knee.
Their friends break out into more sobs, gasps, swears, and incoherent noises. Eardrums threaten to split open. The chorus grows louder as Katsuki pulls something out of his pocket, and reveals a bright blue gashapon capsule. Katsuki pops open the plastic sphere, and shows Izuku a silver ring. It glimmers with twilight iridescence when the light strikes the surface.
A sharp inhale lances across Izuku's throat, and his legs almost give out. "Oh, god--" He can barely see Katsuki from behind an endless wave of tears. "You still have that?" Izuku chokes out between shaky, breathless sobs.
"Of course, I fucking have it!" Katsuki grasps Izuku's left hand. His voice climbs higher decibels with each word. "The fuck you doing jumping the gun, and giving me a ring first?! I'm the one who promised you that I was gonna marry you when we're older! Goddamnit, I said I'd give you this ring when I propose!"
Delirious with incredulous joy, Izuku's caught between crying and laughing. His ribcage can't hold in his heart as it grows beyond measure. No matter how often the back of his hand swipes at his face, more tears fall. "You remember?"
"I didn't forget." Katsuki's eyes flicker as they fall downcast. He squeezes Izuku's hand gently. "I just didn't feel like I deserved to be yours. I needed time to get better." Blinking back tears, Katsuki looks up. "I'm sorry I've been taking so long."
"Kacchan--" Izuku dares to rest his hand on the side of the boy's face. His chest aches at how Katsuki leans into his touch.
"Someday soon, I'll get you a ring nice as the one you got me. And I'll ask that question." Katsuki kisses Izuku's scarred palm. As his lips linger against rough marks, tears finally spill over, and fall into familiar palm lines. "But today, I need you to come back home, Izuku."
"Kacchan, I-" Izuku's voice trembles. His hand drifts to Katsuki's chest, so Izuku can feel the boy's heartbeat. Fingers curl into the fabric of his shirt, and strain from the tight grip. Finally, Izuku lets out a god awful confession he's buried for so long. "-----I'm scared."
"Same." Katsuki stands up, and cradles Izuku's face with his free hand. "But we'll make it through. Together." His eyes burn defiantly with that promise. Katsuki rests his forehead against Izuku's, and the world finally lets them breathe. "Can I kiss you?"
Izuku answers by closing the space between them. As their lips collide, a sob tears out of Izuku, and cuts at their mouths. He wants to apologize for the tears, for the kiss not being softer, for the taste of blood and war, for setting himself on fire. But Katsuki only kisses him deeper, and reminds Izuku that he doesn't need to hide his sharp edges or dark corners. No matter if Izuku is a haunted house with fraying wallpaper, shattered windows, and broken staircases, Izuku is still Katsuki's home.
As Izuku wraps his arms around Katsuki, he wonders when that little boy drowning in Izuku's sweaters grew up to have such broad shoulders. Izuku learns the taste of Katsuki's near silent sob, but also learns how Katsuki's smile feels against his own. Katsuki pulls him closer, so Izuku can memorize the rhythm of Katsuki's heartbeat.
They're here. They're alive.
Katsuki softly murmurs three words along Izuku's lips before the kiss breaks. Red painting the sky still flickers in the back of Izuku's mind. But in this moment, Izuku loves the red of Katsuki's eyes the most.
While sliding the silver ring on Katsuki's left hand, Izuku's face aches with a smile. The gashapon ring only fits on Izuku's smallest finger, but it still feels perfect. Especially when Izuku sees Katsuki runs his thumb over the silver band, and neon colors from that old neighborhood arcade passes over like dappled forest light.
As Izuku and Katsuki catch their breaths, their friends tackle them with overwhelming affection and hugs. Everyone gets their turn at holding Izuku through another round of tears. Even Katsuki lets people tousle his hair, playfully punch his shoulder, or one-arm hug him. As they begin heading back, Katsuki takes Izuku's hand in his. Izuku laces their fingers together. His heart swells while tracing over Katsuki's ring.
Izuku brushes his lips across Katsuki's cheek. "Love you."
"Love you too." Katsuki raises Izuku's hand, and kisses the ring. "Let's go home."
"Wow! Kacchan, you did it!"
"Of course, I did!" Grinning boyishly, Katsuki puffs his chest out.
He holds up the blue gashapon capsule won from the arcade. Out of all the different prizes, Izuku gravitates towards a silver ring that sparkles like a crystal kaleidoscope. He doodles three stars on his notebooks similar to the stars engraved on the ring. The stars line up in a row with the center star being the biggest.
"You're amazing!" Izuku gestures wildly with sleeve paws. His limbs flail like an excited windmill of blue, red, yellow and white. His sweaters tend to be oversized on his frame, such as today's sweater in All-Might's colors. "That's the rarest prize. I can't believe you got it!"
Katsuki's grin grows into a proud smile. The boy isn't discreet at all when preening from Izuku's praise. But he still tries to play it off cool. "You kept looking at this ring every time we pass by the arcade. Damn right, I'd fucking get it for you."
"Kacchan, no swearing!" Izuku covers Katsuki's mouth. "Your mom said she's going to start a swear jar-" Suddenly, he draws his hand back, and squeals with delight after Katsuki kisses his hand.
Katsuki shrugs a shoulder. "Mom's not around so it's fine."
Izuku's about to protest, but his mind backtracks. Green eyes go impossibly wide. "Wait, you..." His voice wavers as tears surface. "You got that ring for me?"
"Oi, this is supposed to make you happy." Katsuki dries the boy's damp eyes with his sleeve. Since the sweaters are large on Izuku, Katsuki's practically swallowed up by the fabric when he borrows one. Katsuki still chugs gallons of milk daily, so he'll grow taller than Izuku. But hopefully even when that happens, Katsuki can still wear the other boy's clothes.
"I'm happy! Really!" Izuku's laughter rings sweetly like summer wind chimes. The boy nuzzles Katsuki's hand, and sneaks a kiss onto his palm. "Thank you, Kacchan."
Maybe it's the cotton-candy neon lights painting Izuku so damned pretty. Or how Izuku's mother told Katsuki that Izuku insists on 2-for-1 sales, so Katsuki can match clothes with him. Or how Izuku smiles at Katsuki like it's only the two of them in the world. No, scratch that. The whole freaking universe.
Katsuki loves this boy.
Today. Tomorrow. Everyday.
"Hey, Izuku." Humming, Katsuki turns the capsule over his hand. "Can I give this to you later?"
Izuku tilts his head, and blinks curiously. "Do you want it instead? Because you can totally have it, Kacchan! It'd look really pretty on you."
"No, it's not like that. I just- I-- I-" Katsuki might pass out from the blush burning his cheeks. After a deep breath, he grabs Izuku's left hand, and declares passionately, "When we're older, I'm gonna ask you to marry me. I promise, 'kay?"
Izuku stares in absolute silence, and his expression wipes clean. Katsuki's heart plunges as Izuku takes on a troubled expression. Is he going to reject Katsuki?
"But Kacchan..." Izuku bites on his lower lip. "What if I ask you?"
"WHAT?!" Katsuki's competitive streak flares to rival a thousand volcanoes. "No, I'm asking! It's gonna be the best fucking proposal of the century, because you deserve the best!" The tirade halts when Katsuki pants to catch his breath. "So, you just-- you can think about your answer, yeah?"
Green eyes widen and well with tears, but they only make the hues glimmer brighter as Izuku beams. "I already know my answer." His warm smile reaches his eyes. "But okay. You can give me that ring later." Leaning in, Izuku kisses Katsuki's cheek.
Katsuki burns six shades of red darker. He doesn't understand how he hasn't melted into a mess of emotions. But there's a lot of things Katsuki doesn't understand-- like how this boy brighter than the sun wants to stand by his side.
Katsuki reaches for Izuku's hand, eventually finding it within the sleeve paw. "Wanna go home?"
"Yeah!" Izuku swings their hands together as they walk out of the arcade. "Oh, you should stay over, Kacchan! Please? We can watch the new All-Might movie! I think we're having curry today, so we can help my mom cook. She says you're the best at making curry, and she's totally right! I love your cooking. Oh, and Kacchan, we can also-"
As Izuku lists a million things they can do together, Katsuki safely tucks the blue capsule in his pocket. He brushes his thumb over Izuku's hand, and begins thinking of how to ask that question someday. Katsuki holds Izuku's hand tighter, and knows this is the hand he wants to hold for the rest of his life. When Izuku smiles at him, Katsuki smiles back.