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Disclaimer: The characters of Supernatural do not belong to me.
A/N: So this story is heavy, and I mean HEAVY, on the angst. It’s my unplanned epilogue to the Kayla Winchester series. Sam does appear in it, though not until about halfway down. Enjoy!
After a years long struggle with dementia, Kayla was on her last day.
In her lucid moments, Kayla remembered the important things about her life. She remembered that both her children were adults. Jessie was a wildlife photographer, travelling the world and taking beautiful pictures for magazines and even his own photography book. Samantha was a mother to Kayla’s two grandchildren. Samantha had been a teacher for quite a few years, before divorcing her husband and “temporarily” moving back in with her parents for a total of five years. Todd was still a doctor at the hospital.
The trouble had begun with things Kayla overlooked. She’d think that she had cooked dinner for the family when she hadn’t. She’d forget to pick the children up from school when Samantha asked her to. She’d forget that she was talking to Todd at work and would be searching for the phone as she talked to him. These little moments added up to the point that Todd brought her to a doctor.
Kayla had hung on as long as she could, but the truth was that she was frightened. Every day, her brain seemed to slip further and further away from her. She would become easily confused, not able to remember how to get places that she’d been to a thousand times before. Things from her present life became distorted, and her past became crystal clear. She would wonder where her ‘babies’ were, even going as far as calling the police when she couldn’t find them one day. She and Todd had gotten through these situations and come out of them, though the worst was yet to come.
Kayla began to have nightmares again. She’d always had them, but over the years they had faded to an occasional distant memory. For the first few weeks, Kayla would know they were nightmares and would allow Todd to comfort her. But when her dementia began to enter the advanced stage, Kayla became fully convinced that Todd wasn’t Todd. It took hours before Todd realized who she thought he was, and it was on that day that he made the hardest decision of his life.
Kayla was fully convinced that he was Art.
Unable to get a frightened Kayla to calm down and convince her that he was her husband, that he wasn’t going to hurt her, Todd had been forced to have Kayla put in a nursing home. He’d waited two weeks before going to see her. When he did go see her, he wasn’t sure whether a scared Kayla or a confused one was worse. On that first visit, he’d initially been thrilled when Kayla recognized him. She’d smiled and hugged him, then given him a kiss that, despite all his medical knowledge to the contrary, had Todd hoping she had recovered. Then Kayla broke his heart.
She had a hand on her stomach and was talking to Leslie. Kayla thought she was pregnant with their first child, who’d died two years before Samantha was born.
Todd felt his heart shatter when Kayla looked at him with such hope. She was unaware that Leslie had died, and was convinced they were about to have their baby. Todd first considered telling Kayla the truth. He’d had to do it numerous times in the past few years when she would wonder where her mother, father, sister, uncle, or grandfather were. She’d wonder where her ‘babies’ were and Todd would have to tell her that they were adults now and no longer lived at home. Every time that Todd told her the truth, he would watch that light diminish from Kayla and it would kill him all over again. So for the first time, Todd told her a lie. Kayla looked at him and asked the question.
“Would you mind if we named him after my grandmother? Even if it’s a boy?”
Todd smiled and took a seat next to Kayla. “No, baby. That sounds great to me.”
A fragile sort of peace descended upon the family from that moment. Kayla would be in the nursing home for three more years. Jessie would visit the least, as he was in denial about his mother’s true condition. Samantha faithfully visited her mother every other day for two and a half years, following her father’s lead and letting her mother lead the conversation. Todd retired from the hospital and spent nearly every day with his wife, only failing to show up when he felt sick so as not to risk making Kayla sick too.
Those efforts ultimately failed too.
It was Todd who first noticed that Kayla looked pale. She was coughing a little, but not enough that it worried Todd at first. Kayla had suffered from allergies her whole life and coughing was simply part of the package. But the cough got worse, Kayla began to shake from chills, and at the end of the week, Todd demanded that she be seen by a doctor.
The diagnosis was one that Todd dreaded. Pneumonia.
In her younger years, when Kayla had been stronger and healthier, she would’ve been able to fight off this infection with nearly no trouble. She would’ve spent a few days in bed, complaining the whole time, but she would get better and just keep going. This time, Todd knew, it wasn’t possible. The dementia had eaten away at her brain’s functioning so much that she just didn’t have the strength to fight anymore.
Jessie had been to visit, and Samantha had had to be pried away from her mother’s side to go and take care of her own children. Todd was grateful for the alone time, but he knew what was coming. Kayla had been sick for two days, and she’d slept the majority of the time.
“Hey, handsome.”
Todd looked up from staring at the floor, his daydreaming suddenly forgotten. Kayla was looking at him and smiling. “Hey.”
“You look like crap.”
Todd laughed. “You still look beautiful.”
“What’s wrong with me?”
Todd frowned and cleared his throat. “Pneumonia.”
“It’s bad, isn’t it?” Kayla asked. “My chest feels heavy.”
“Yeah. Yeah, baby, it’s bad.”
“Will you sit with me?” Kayla asked. She weakly patted the bed next to her. “Please?”
“You bet I will.”
Todd took his seat on the bed, instinctively wrapping his arms around Kayla. Kayla settled into him, and Todd took comfort from her familiar weight next to him. He refused to allow himself to believe that he wouldn’t always have her there.
“I’m sorry.”
Surprised, Todd asked, “You’re sorry? What for?”
“I don’t remember much, but I know I’ve been really sick. I know I attacked you…”
“Babe, stop. That was years ago, and it wasn’t your fault.”
“But I thought you were him. I didn’t mean to…”
“I know. Shh, it’s okay.” Todd assured her.
“You forgive me?”
“There’s nothing to forgive.”
“I love you.”
Todd swallowed. This was beginning to sound like the conversation he’d been dreading for years now. “Baby, please don’t do this.”
“Please, just say it back. While I won’t forget it.”
“I love you too.” Todd said, the lump in his throat growing more and more by the second.
“Will you tell the kids that? And tell them I’m sorry too?”
“I’ll tell them. But you don’t have anything to be sorry with them for either.”
“You’ve been so good to me.” Kayla said. “I want you to know that. Please don’t cry, honey.”
Todd sniffled and wiped his face, the tears starting to stream harder the more he tried to hide them. “I’ll try.”
“Just let the kids be there for you. Okay?”
“Okay.” Todd said. “I will.”
“I’m gonna go to sleep now. Okay, baby?”
No, Todd thought. No. You need to stay awake. Stay awake for me. Don’t do this to me, Kay, please. I can’t live without you. Despite wanting to shout all his thoughts from the rooftop, Todd resisted. It would be selfish.
“Okay. Go to sleep.”
“You’ll be right here?”
“I’ll be right here.” Todd promised.
Kayla smiled and closed her eyes. When she opened them again, she found herself in a strange place. She was still in the hospital room, but Todd was pacing the hallway now instead of on the bed with her. He was looking into the room every few seconds, the tears streaming all over again. Kayla looked out the window and saw it was dark, where what felt like just a few moments earlier it had been light outside. The pieces fit together relatively quickly, and Kayla felt her emotions bounce around inside her in a way she’d become numb to in the past few years.
Todd had laid down with her, and apparently, a few hours later, she’d stopped breathing.
Kayla had felt no pain whenever it was that she’d passed, but that quickly changed. She watched the doctor come out and apologize to Todd, telling him they’d done all they could and that Kayla was gone. She’d heard his heart wrenching cry and attempted to hold him when he hit the floor, only to be frustrated by the fact that she couldn’t seem to touch him. She’d watch Todd ask the doctor if he’d call Samantha and Jessie to the hospital without telling them that Kayla had died. When the doctor left, Todd walked back into the room and stared at Kayla for a few seconds before taking her hand and kissing it softly.
“I’ll keep that promise. But it’s only been a few minutes, and I miss you so bad it hurts. How am I supposed to do this without you?”
Now Kayla was crying too. Todd was in so much pain and there was nothing she could do to help him. “I’m sorry.”
“And if you can hear me right now, I know you’re apologizing. Don’t. You’ve given me so much joy in life. It’s time for you to go and get some of your own. You’re not sick anymore, babe. Go enjoy it, okay? Go be your dad and Leslie and everybody else. Just tell them I said hi for me. Deal?”
“Deal.” Kayla said, wiping her face and adding, “I love you.”
A hand on her shoulder made Kayla jump, and before she could hear Todd’s reply, Kayla was staring into a face she hadn’t seen in years. Though it had faded due to time and the effects of her vicious disease, Kayla recognized him right away.
“Daddy?”
Sam smiled warmly at her. “Hi, Bug.”
“Daddy!”
Kayla never wanted to let go. For the first time in years, she felt truly safe, her body, mind, and spirit all working together to create in her a sense of peace that she hadn’t felt since early childhood. Daddy was here, so everything would be okay. Sam held her as tightly as Kayla remembered him holding her, all the way from her earliest clear memory at age four until his death when she was fifty-two. After an amount of time that truly didn’t matter to Kayla, Sam pulled away from her slightly and took a long look into her eyes.
“I’ve missed you so much.”
“I’ve missed you too.” Kayla said. But something broke her concentration. She looked back into the hospital room and found it was light outside again. “What…?”
“Time works differently here.” Sam said. “It feels like you’ve only been with me a few seconds, but out there, it’s been hours.”
“Differently here? Where is here?”
“Heaven, Kay.” Sam said.
“Does that mean that Mom and Mary and…” Kayla nearly choked on the name, her heart not dare hoping that it was true for fear of it being a horrible dream and being snatched away from her. “Leslie…?”
Sam nodded. “Everyone’s here. They’re all waiting for you. You just have to say goodbye.”
Kayla turned back to look at Todd again, only to find that he was no longer in the hospital. Instead, they were standing next to a gravestone, with a small group of people surrounding them. Jesse stood stoically on the left side of his father. A weeping Samantha was holding her father’s hand tightly. Eighteen-year-old Bonnie and fifteen-year-old Michael stood awkwardly behind their mother. Kayla could barely hear the pastor over the hard and fast beats of her own heart as she realized how much her family was hurting in her absence. Sam stepped to her side and placed a hand on her shoulder again.
“I know what you’re thinking. But you can’t stay here.”
“They’re hurting so much.” Kayla said. “I can’t leave them…”
“They will be fine. They have each other, and they will see you again one day. But you can’t stick around. They can’t see you, but they can feel you. And if you don’t move on, neither will they.” Sam said. “Just trust me, Bug. Please. Say goodbye to them and come with me. I promise, once you cross over, you won’t regret it.”
Kayla nodded and walked over to Jessie and Samantha. She kissed Samantha’s cheek first, then went to Jessie. She whispered to them both that Mommy loved them, and that final goodbye seemed to break the stoic Jesse, who immediately started sobbing just like his sister. Kayla quickly kissed Todd’s cheek, then the grandchildren. She still didn’t want to leave, but the sight of her father waiting for her caused all the regret to lift from her instantly. She took his hand and they walked together, heading in death towards the peace that had eluded both of them in life.