Chapter Text
Yedam and Asahi spent a good summer. They have settled in and the younger was even able to tour around his new campus. Pursuing graduate studies for music has been his dream and he finally starts to live it in the weeks that follow. It’s a bonus that Asahi gets to be with him through it all.
The first month was tough. He was juggling through the adjustments of being in a new country, a new school, a new part time job along with some time to spend with his boyfriend.
It was only a matter of time that it breaks him physically and mentally. A year in and what, with the pressure of keeping his scholarship and teaching kids at the music center, Yedam can barely keep up. His only strength comes from being in Asahi’s arms when he gets home. Finally, he can rest.
Until one night when he comes home to find Asahi at the dining area without the lights on, that he could only make out his silhouette. He was just sitting still even as he approached and he knew then, something was wrong.
He turns the light on and walks toward him - the other didn’t even bat an eye. Yedam follows where Asahi is looking at and from where he’s standing he could already see the envelope with the seal of that university in the US he re-applied for.
“Asahi…”
“I didn’t open it,” Asahi says, finally looking at him, “but it’s really not that hard to figure out what this letter is about.”
“Asahi, let me explain-”
“Were you even going to tell me?”
“I -”
How could Yedam tell him? It was just an impulsive decision on his end to send the re-application for a Fall admission. Was it Haruto’s words that somehow struck him and made him afraid? Was he afraid that there’s truth to it? Or maybe, as much as he doesn’t want to admit it, that’s just where he really wanted to go.
“It’s not… I could just reject it. It’s not important.” Yedam explains.
“But you thought about it. You re-applied. Yedam, is this what you really want?”
Yedam looks into the other’s eyes. Is it? Is it what he wants? He couldn’t answer.
“Of course, it is” Asahi answers for him “or you wouldn’t have done this in the first place” He gets the envelope and hands it to the younger. He scoffs, “and there goes another one leaving.”
Something in Yedam’s head ticked. He’s tired from school and work and this is what he comes home to.
“What more do you want from me?” he began, voice a bit higher than usual. “I am here - with you. Why can’t you let go of the thought that people are going to leave you? I am not Jaehyuk!”
Asahi was startled with the outburst but even more of the mention of his ex-lover’s name. “Do not bring him into this. This is not about him.”
It was Yedam’s turn to scoff. “But it is! It’s always been about him” angry tears are beginning to form at the side of his eyes but he’s trying to hold them back.
“You still can’t get over the fact that he left and maybe that is not your fault; but 5 years! We’ve been together for more than five years and you still feel this way?” the tears finally fall and there’s no way he could get them to stop anymore.
“I gave up Boston for you!”
Asahi was ready to argue but what Yedam said stopped him. “You gave it up... For me...” he has to close his eyes in frustration as he nods in understanding. He is mad. “So, this is all my fault. You didn’t want this. All of this.” Asahi motioned at everything around them.
Yedam comes back to his senses, realizing what he just said. “No. I’m sorry. Asahi, wait--” but it was too late as the door slammed shut and Asahi was out the door.
——
Yedam sits with the envelope in his hand. He scratched his face roughly in regret before opening the damned letter. True enough, he got accepted. Going to Boston was his first choice and maybe Asahi was right, this is what he wants. But he also wants to be with him. Everything’s all messed up now. How could he still make it right?
His phone rings and an unknown number shows up on screen. He doesn’t know why but a sudden chill ran through his spine as he answered.
——
Jaehyuk walks through the hallways and greets everyone passing by with a smile. With his favorite banana milk in hand, he sips and merrily gets on his way to the nurses’ station.
He was looking straight to where nurse Yujin is but he was halted by the sudden entry of a gurney through the emergency door. Fast movements happened in seconds and Jaehyuk stood there frozen, curious but unbothered. This is a normal scene for him. He turns to head back to his room. “They’re busy now, I’ll come back tomorrow.”
——
“Asahi, I’m sorry… I’m sorry, babe… I love you... please wake up” Yedam cries as he holds Asahi’s hand. He was out of danger now. Luckily, the accident wasn’t fatal and he got out with just some bruises and a minor concussion. But that didn’t help with the guilt Yedam felt inside. This wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for that stupid argument.
The hand he was holding twitches and Yedam waits for another one to be sure before he is up on his feet to caress his boyfriend’s face as the latter slowly opens his eyes “Baby, I’m here. I’m so sorry, Asahi. Can you hear me?”
Asahi stares at Yedam blankly before he recognizes him and gives him a small smile. A tear falls from the younger’s eyes when he smiles back. “I’ll call the doctor”
——
“Let’s break up” Asahi mentions one day. He’s lying at the hospital bed and Yedam who was sitting by his side, reading a book, suddenly looks up to him, not sure if he heard him right.
Now looking into his eyes, Asahi says it again, “Let’s break up”
Yedam wasn’t able to say anything. So Asahi went on “Don’t hold yourself back for me anymore, Yedam. I think you’ve done enough of it already.”
“Babe, what are you saying?” He could only ask. “If this is about the letter, don’t worry about it, okay? I’m not going. I’m staying here with you.” He holds his hand with both of his and plants a soft kiss on his knuckles. “We are doing well here. I have school, I have work and I have you. Let’s forget about it, hmm?”
Asahi pulls his hand away gently but it doesn’t subdue the pain it caused in Yedam’s chest. “Go to Boston,” he tells him. “It’s your dream.”
“Okay, you know what? We can go together.” Yedam takes his hand again. “When you’re better, we can go there together. Just like our plan, babe. Only this time, in Boston.” Yedam’s voice shakes as he tries to convince Asahi.
Asahi didn’t pull away this time but the hand that Yedam is holding felt heavy, lifeless. “Asahi, please. I’m sorry, okay? I love you, I’m not leaving you. I’ll stay. I’m really sorry. Don’t do this.”
“No, I’m sorry” Asahi says instead “You sacrificed so much for me and here I am still hung-up on the fact that I was once left behind and now, just taking it all out on you.”
Yedam shakes his head ‘no’ but Asahi only smiles “You’re not happy here, Yedam.” He reached out for the younger’s face and wiped the tears that stained his cheek. “And I want you to be happy.”
“I’m happy with you” Yedam reasons but it’s Asahi’s turn to shake his head.“You’ll be happier living your dream, Yedam.”
Yedam looks back at Asahi, his eyes moist and pleading. Asahi can see through the unsaid question, so he answers “...and I can’t be there with you. Because just like your happiness isn’t here, mine’s not where you’re going.”
“I love you, Yedam but our happiness is just in different places and we should admit that this isn’t working out anymore. So before we resent each other, let’s end it here and just keep the happy memories” he continued and Yedam couldn’t say anything back anymore.
It was the end for them. They may have loved deeply but the love they had does not equate to the happiness they’d both find if they separated ways and they both knew it.
But it also doesn't mean it would hurt any less...
-END-