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“Hoseok-ah, which is better to use between these?” Namjoon shows Hoseok a nail and a box of push pins.
“Well, honestly, I don’t think you and a nail would be a good combination,” Hoseok says with a grin.
“Hey, come on. I’m not that clumsy. Why does everybody think I am?” Namjoon whines as flashbacks of his not-so-fine moments of clumsiness come to mind. “Never mind, don’t answer that.”
Hoseok giggles then asks, “What will you use those for anyway?”
“To hang my flag.”
“Your what?”
There is silence for a few seconds before Namjoon says, “Just come to my studio later. I’ll show you something.” He smiles shyly, then walks away.
▪▪▪
With two cups of iced Americano on hand, Hoseok knocks at Namjoon’s studio. Namjoon lets him in after a few seconds.
Hoseok plops down the sofa and turns his head to the piece of cloth hanging near Namjoon’s wooden lamp.
He stays quiet for a few seconds, leaving Namjoon wondering what’s on his mind.
Namjoon approaches him slowly after he grabs his coffee. He stares at Hoseok, waiting for any kind of response.
“Wow, pink, purple, and blue on a flag. It looks pretty, Namjoon.” Hoseok remarks, smiling and simply waiting for Namjoon to speak.
Namjoon lowers his head and smiles, speaking softly, “Thanks for thinking that. I was kind of holding my breath a second ago, wondering what you were thinking. And it’s actually the bisexual flag.” Deep in his heart, Namjoon knows Hoseok wouldn’t be like most people whose first instinct is to ask when an LGBTQIA+ person knew about their sexuality. Still, Namjoon is relieved to know he’s right about Hoseok.
“Ah, I see. I’m really glad you trust me, trust us, with this.” Hoseok’s smile widens even more.
“Well, as business partners and team members, I thought you should know,” Namjoon jokes then both of them laugh for a while. Their conversation shifts to the recent projects they have, Hoseok telling Namjoon about his upcoming intro for their upcoming album, Namjoon sharing the pictures of his recent bonsai babies until he scrolls too far and stops at a picture of a blonde Seokjin.
Hoseok looks at Namjoon with slightly raised eyebrows and a sly smile.
Namjoon starts to blush, “Okay, well, I know you won’t force me into telling you. But I also know there’s no other person I’d like to share this with you.”
Hoseok seems intrigued and nods encouragingly for Namjoon to continue.
“Seokjin-hyung, he’s my “sexual awakening”. Particularly during our Fire era when Jin-hyung became even more comfortable and confident as a person. For me, realizing I’m bisexual isn’t this big ‘aha’ moment but something that’s built up through time. You know how I was struck with Seokjin-hyung when we met during the trainee days? I dismissed those feelings and tried hard to not think it. But at times when I pause and think about how I admire hyung, I often thought how I’d love to ask him out if he were a girl. And that honestly got me so bothered and confused for days. Then, I talked to some of my hometown friends about it, though I didn’t specify Seokjin hyung. They made me realize that it’s somehow the idea of compulsory heteronormativity at work there.”
“The what?”
“Compulsory heteronormativity. The prevailing belief or thinking that a man can only love a woman and a woman can only love a man. Basically, they made me realize that it’s wrong to think that I’d only date hyung if he were a girl. It’s valid if I want to date him as a man. Then, after days and even weeks of reflecting on that, I come to realize how I identify best as a bisexual. That I can be attracted to both men and women. Also, I realized how I like Seokjin-hyung so much.” Namjoon ends his confession by finishing his cup of coffee.
“So, those comments about Jin-hyung’s handsome face were you being really, genuinely, legitimately whipped for him?” Hoseok shifts in his seat to face Namjoon full-on.
Admittedly, through time, Namjoon has developed the habit of appreciating Seokjin each day, little bits of puns and some moments of just saying how handsome the eldest is. Namjoon hides his face in his hands and replies, “Yes, I am really whipped for him.” To say he is embarrassed is an understatement. Yet, deep inside, he knows there isn’t anyone he’d rather get embarrassed in front of than Hoseok.
“Have you said anything about this to him?”
“Maybe someday. But now, this – whatever we have right now, the way I could trust in him, and he reciprocates, the way he gives the best hugs. I’m comfortable with him. This seems good enough for me. I believe we all still have a long time being together, so there’s no rush. And this figuring out my sexuality is still an ongoing process. Sometimes, I find myself doubting my attraction to men. Like a push and pull of sorts. Like different sides of me fighting for dominance, you know? It’s during those times when I step back and go gentle on myself. I allow myself to acknowledge the years of being thought about compulsory heteronormativity. I allow myself to just be, to know my feelings and attractions are valid. Displaying this flag is a step towards a sense of peace and acceptance.”
Slowly, Hoseok brings himself closer to Namjoon and wraps his arms around Namjoon. “Ahhh, Namjoon-ah. My heart is full knowing all these. I’m always here to support you. And I love you for who you are.”
▪▪▪
The days after his talk with Namjoon pass by like a hazy dream. Hoseok keeps waking up before the sunrise, being reminded of Namjoon’s words of ‘sense of peace and acceptance’. Listening to Namjoon definitely tugged a string or two in his heart.
He recalls his own history of attractions and interests. He seeks the help of the Internet and media sources about the LGBTQIA+. He keeps an open mind and an open heart in this process. The early mornings become ways to get to know himself better. The sunrise always there to welcome him with warmth.
▪▪▪
Today is the day. Hoseok looks up the number of the art director for his upcoming music video for the track ‘Daydream’.
He is vibrating inside with an energy that he hasn’t felt in years. Seconds later, the art director picks up.
Hoseok feels free and relieved, when he says, “For the background of this scene, I’d like to have this kind of lighting: pink, purple, and blue in that order. It’s pretty, and… it would mean a lot to me. Thanks, hyung.”