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One.
Yuki didn’t really know what Kakeru was asking. Kakeru knew that, and it should’ve made him less nervous, but it didn’t. Yuki’s laugh and eyeroll and casual answer should’ve put him at ease, he knew, but they didn’t. Things were just complicated.
“Sure, we can go out sometime,” Yuki said. “We’re probably due for another council outing anyway. Kimi has been bugging me about it.”
“Oh, right,” Kakeru said.
“Like a movie, or something?” Yuki had his eyes on the week’s agenda. He smoothed his bangs out of his face and squinted at the paper in front of him with a look of concentration.
Kakeru had practiced this. He woke up thinking of the exact words he’d say. Sometimes he was thinking so much it was hard to get out of bed.
Yuki didn’t really date. Kakeru had asked him, back when they first started becoming friends, if he was interested in anyone, and he’d made a face like the question was absurd.
“I was actually thinking it could be just the two of us,” Kakeru said, quickly, before his face got redder than it currently felt and he started stumbling over his words.
Yuki looked up, and Kakeru cursed himself for being completely obvious. Usually he wasn’t so awkward when he was nervous. Usually he had enough false bravado to get him through.
“The two of us?” Yuki parroted. “Why?”
God, he was chickening out. Kakeru had been a coward when it came to Yuki for the past several weeks now.
“Um—”
Yuki tilted his head to one side. His bangs swayed. “I thought I was coming over to study for midterms? Did you want to do that today?”
“Yeah, right, that’s what I meant. I’m uh...my words are getting all twisted up today,” Kakeru said. He laughed and hoped it sounded natural. His palms were sweating. He could try again.
Yuki smiled. “Twisted, huh? Well let me finish this up and we can go,” he said.
This was the problem. Every attempt at asking Yuki out would end like this if Kakeru couldn’t clarify. It wasn’t as if he meant for this to happen. It had started with little things, like the way Yuki got all flustered and angry when Kakeru teased him. It started when Yuki slowed his pace so they could walk side by side in the hall. It started when they trekked home in the snow and Yuki leaned on him so he wouldn’t slip. It started with the warm weight of his hand on Kakeru’s back and the quiet way Yuki hugged his knees and told Kakeru secrets.
Kakeru had convinced himself that it didn’t matter if Yun felt the same way. It didn’t matter, because Kakeru’s volatile cocktail of feelings was burning through his chest and if he didn’t tell him soon he might do something stupid like kiss him.
Yuki was quiet on the walk to Kakeru’s apartment, so Kakeru filled in the silence. This was standard for the two of them, but that day Kakeru’s mind was running in circles and coherent conversation was difficult.
If you don’t get your head out of your ass he’s going to ask you what’s wrong. And then what the hell are you going to say?
“There’s a new episode of that show I made you watch,” he said.
Yuki hummed. “I thought we were going to study,” he said, tone light and amused.
“I’m planning ahead, Yun Yun,” he said.
What would a date with the prince even be like?
“You do coupley things already,” Machi had said. She’d hardly looked up from the notebook she was doodling in. He’d told her about Yuki accidentally. It had just slipped out in the middle of a normal sentence and his sister didn’t bat an eye. “Doesn’t he sleep in your room like every weekend?”
“On the floor! Not in my bed, Christ Machi,” Kakeru said. He ran a hand through his hair, nervously.
“What’s a few meters from the floor to your bed, between friends,” she said, without looking up.
“When did you get so funny?” he sputtered.
She shrugged and looked up from her notebook at last. “You know everyone’s had a crush on him. It’s like a rite of passage.”
“Who told you that?”
One side of Machi’s mouth quirked up. “Kimi,” she said.
“Yeah, whatever,” Kakeru said.
“You’ve just got to do something that’s even more obviously, coupley,” she said.
“Like what?” he said. His skin prickled. It was weird to be taking advice from Machi, and weird for her to be talking to him at all. Though, it was good weird.
“Like, buy him flowers, or dinner,” she had said.
“Are you okay?” Yuki said.
Kakeru jumped. “Yeah, why?”
Yuki frowned. “You just looked like you were zoning out,” he said.
There was a ramen shop on the corner. He had enough left of his paycheck to cover it.
“Hey, are you hungry?” Kakeru said, abruptly.
Yuki’s eyebrows furrowed. “Kind of,” he said.
Good enough!
It was one of those places where you pushed a button for the kind of ramen you wanted and it printed a ticket to give to the person working. Kakeru asked Yuki what he wanted and paid for it before he could object.
“What are you—?”
“My treat,” Kakeru announced, grinning so wide that his cheeks felt stiff. Yuki looked at him. His face was flushed and confused.
“I’ll pay you back,” he said, as they took their seats.
“Do you not understand the meaning of my treat ?”
“You don’t need to pay for me,” Yuki said, quietly.
“I know I don’t need to,” Kakeru said. “I want to, I guess.”
They sat at the counter, close together, so their knees were almost touching. Kakeru wanted to take off his sweater, but he felt like he couldn’t move. Yuki was staring out the window so Kakeru stared at him. When their ramen came they lapsed into a comfortable silence.
Kakeru picked up half of his egg with his chopsticks and deposited it into Yuki’s bowl.
“Here,” he muttered. “Another treat.”
Yuki rolled his eyes. “Thanks,” he said.
Two.
They were in college. People were very into throwing themed parties. It was going to be Valentine’s Day in a week.
“They should just put couples only on the invite,” Kakeru groaned. He was laying, ragdoll limp, on Yuki’s couch. “Kimi and her new girlfriend are wearing matching outfits. She just sent me a picture.”
Yuki was sitting cross legged at the coffee table. “So we don’t go,” he said.
Kakeru sighed, dramatically. “We can’t just not go . You’re so boring,” he said.
“You work a double the next day,” Yuki said.
“Yeah, and I’m prepared to be hungover for it,” he said.
Yuki laughed and something buzzed through Kakeru’s fingertips and down his spine.
Kakeru could convince Yuki to do stupid, ridiculous shit. He’d followed him to college to do just that (among other things, obviously). He’d gotten him to stay out all night on Kakeru’s birthday. Yuki had even let him buy his drinks without batting an eye. He’d gotten him to go out to karaoke with Kakeru’s work friends and smoke weed and marathon movies in his apartment.
Once, he’d persuaded him to dance with him in a crowded club. They were sweating and the music pulsed so loud that Kakeru had to shout to ask him. Yuki couldn’t really dance, but it was endearing to see him try, when he was drunk enough not to be embarrassed.
Needless to say, Kakeru’s crush had gotten worse and he still hadn’t asked Yuki out properly.
Sometimes he felt like he was on the verge of doing it, like that night when they were dancing. It had been cold out when they left and so Kakeru shrugged off his jacket and handed it to Yuki as they stood on the pavement, waiting for their ride. He’d almost done it then, while Yuki stuck his hands in Kakeru’s pockets and felt around for the gum wrapper, receipt, and lighter that were inside.
Yuki sighed. “If I say I’ll go, do we have to dress up?” he said.
“Kimi won’t let us in if we don’t, you know this. She’s very committed to her theme,” Kakeru said.
Yuki gave him a withering look.
“What’s the theme?”
“Uh…love, or whatever, pink I guess. Kimi and Yui are going as candy hearts,” Kakeru said.
“You’re sure I was invited?” Yuki said.
“You’ll have a good time,” Kakeru said, softly, insistently.
“Okay, let’s go,” Yuki said.
Kakeru provided the costumes.
“Hold still,” he muttered, tapping the eyeshadow brush on the side of the palette and turning his attention to Yuki’s left eyelid. Yuki never would have let him do this in high school, but now here he was.
“It’s going to look stupid on me,” Yuki said. “I already look stupid.”
Kakeru was going as Cupid. (He already had his wings on and an absurd amount of glitter and blush.) And Yuki was Aphrodite.
“It doesn’t look stupid,” Kakeru said. He was doing Yuki’s eyeshadow in pinks and golds, and concentrating as hard as he could not to mess up or accidentally jab Yuki in the eye.
Yuki adjusted the sleeves of his shirt. Admittedly, Kakeru had chosen a more extravagant costume for Yuki than himself. Apart from the wings, bow and arrow, and makeup, Kakeru had on a red sweatshirt and jeans, while he’d chosen an all white ensemble for Yuki. His dress shirt was loose fitting with ruffles at the sleeves and collar. Kakeru had thought a lot about this costume. It would glow in the party’s low lighting.
“Okay, all done,” Kakeru said. He held his breath. “You look good.”
Yuki blinked at himself in the mirror.
“I tried my best so don’t be mean,” Kakeru said.
“It looks good,” Yuki said, after a beat. “Thanks,” he said.
Kakeru groaned. “That’s all I get? I work magic on your face. You’re more stunning than ever,” Kakeru said.
Yuki rolled his eyes. “Let’s go already. I need a drink.”
Kakeru grinned. “Yeah, of course.”
Kimi answered the door. She was wearing a red feather boa and a crop top that said kiss me.
“Oh, you brought a date, Nabe-kun. I didn’t think you had it in you,” Kimi said.
Kakeru blushed in spite of himself.
“Hi Kimi,” Yuki said.
“He’s Aphrodite. I’m Cupid. We’re following the theme so you have to let us in,” Kakeru said.
Kimi laughed her rolling, charming laugh and invited them in. She introduced them to Yui and some of her other friends. She showed them where the alcohol was and left them to their own devices. Yuki made them each a strong drink.
“Don’t you usually have a date on Valentine’s day?” Yuki said. He was on his third drink and sitting languidly on the couch beside Kakeru.
“Only sometimes,” he said. The party was loud and Kakeru felt a little dizzy. Yuki was pressed close to his side, their shoulders and thighs touching. Kakeru’s Cupid wings were wedged against the back of the couch, uncomfortably.
He’d invited out a girl from his calculus class last year. They got dinner and made out in his car. They hadn’t gone out again. Kakeru had dated a few people since high school, but nothing had really lasted.
“Why do you care?” Kakeru asked.
“I don’t,” Yuki said. He was tipsy, Kakeru could tell, because he was smiling goofily and his eyes were focused solely on him. “I just thought you’d have a real date this year,” he said.
Yuki leaned his head on Kakeru’s shoulder and closed his eyes. His makeup was smudged and his shirt was rumpled.
“You’re my real date,” Kakeru muttered. And Yuki laughed again.
“I’m not your type,” Yuki said.
Kakeru’s jaw tightened. “You’re awfully sure of yourself,” he said, keeping his voice carefully light.
Yuki blinked at him and his eyes glazed over like his thoughts were somewhere else.
“Do you want to go outside? I’ve got a joint,” Kakeru said.
“Absolutely,” Yuki said. They went out on Kimi’s back stoop and sat on the concrete stairs. Kakeru lit the joint with shaky fingers and handed it to Yuki, who took a drag and coughed.
“We could’ve just done this at home,” he said.
Kakeru shrugged. “What can I say? Your weird, anti-social thing is rubbing off on me,” he said.
“Don’t try to blame it on me. You didn’t even want to come until I said I’d go with you,” Yuki said. His voice was high and effortless. Kakeru was reminded of how little convincing he’d needed to come tonight.
“Whatever,” Kakeru said.
“What is your type?” he asked, handing the joint back. He sucked in a deep breath of fresh air. Kakeru could see his breath in the cold.
Kakeru laughed and ran his free hand through his hair. Yuki looked even prettier out here, his face pale and hazy in the smoke and dim light.
“I don’t know,” he said. His face felt numb. “Sometimes I fall for my friends.”
At the end of high school, when everything in Kakeru itched to tell Yuki how he felt, he stopped short for several reasons. The first was the vaguely nauseating wave of nervousness that kept him from getting the words out. The second was that for a while he thought Yuki and Machi might get together and he didn’t want to get in the way.
The third reason was that something happened to Yuki that last year of high school. Kakeru didn’t know exactly what it was, because Yuki didn’t talk about it, but he knew it was something important. After, Yuki smiled more and he was less withdrawn (though when he was drunk he still said cryptic, melancholy things that served to make Kakeru more curious about whatever shit the Sohmas had going on.) Kakeru didn’t want to mess that up either, not when it seemed that a weight had only recently been lifted from Yuki’s shoulders.
Kakeru didn’t want to complicate things. He didn’t want to mess anything up. He was good at that.
Maybe it was the weed or the costume or the fact that Kakeru had been in love with Yuki for three Valentine’s days now and nothing terrible had happened, but it seemed that now things were different.
“Your friends?” Yuki said.
“A friend. I fell for my best friend, once,” Kakeru said.
“I thought I was your best friend,” Yuki whispered.
“You are,” Kakeru said. His heart was pounding.
Yuki was so close now, and leaning closer. His breath was warm, and when they kissed he tasted like grenadine and smoke.
Three.
“We’re going to be late for the movie,” Yuki said. He was lingering in the entryway, buttoning up his coat.
“We could just skip it and stay here,” Kakeru said. His hair was still damp from the shower and it was just cold enough for it to freeze when they went outside.
Yuki rolled his eyes. “You want to skip our first date? That’s very encouraging,” he said.
“Our first...oh, I guess you’re right,” Kakeru said.
Yuki smiled, wrapping his scarf around his neck and checking his watch. “We can skip it. It’s supposed to snow later anyway,” he said. “Stop looking at me like that. It’s not that big a deal.”
“No, no. We have to go now,” Kakeru said. He reached for his coat and pulled a hat over his head.
It had been a busy two weeks since Kimi’s party, and so the dating thing had been put on the backburner. That wasn’t to say that he’d seen less of Yuki. They spent most days attached at the hip, just not doing particularly romantic things. Yuki kissed him, but when he was half-asleep and had on his glasses and a ratty sleep shirt with ketchup stains on it. There had been none of the over the top, lit candles, bouquet of roses, romance.
Yuki had slept over a handful of times, and Kakeru had bought them coffee on occasion while they studied, but they hadn’t had the time to go on an official date. Exams, work, and Yuki’s habit of getting in his pajamas the second he got home, had limited their opportunities to do so. Machi said that they were already acting like an old married couple, which Kakeru denied while simultaneously making Yuki a cup of herbal tea and a plate of apple slices so he’d consume something other than Red Bull and stale Cheetos.
“I thought we could get dinner after,” Yuki said. “If you want.” His face was flushed.
“Of course,” Kakeru said, pulling on his boots as quickly as he could.
“I know I’ve been boring lately, and busy. And I know we never go out, so I’m trying to make up for it,” he said.
“You’re not boring,” Kakeru said.
Yuki shook his head and laughed. “You don’t have to pretend I’m not boring just because I’m your boyfriend,” he said.
“I’m not pretending,” Kakeru said. In truth, it still surprised him when Yuki called him his boyfriend. He got nervous, like he thought he was being pranked.
“Then let’s go,” Yuki said. He tilted his head to one side. “This is just the first date of many, right?”
“Right,” Kakeru said, grinning. “First of many.”