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Togami doesn’t understand Fujisaki Chihiro.
He doesn’t understand why someone who can pass as a girl so well wouldn’t want to be a girl.
Ever since Chihiro was discovered to be AMAB he’s stopped wearing skirts and feminine clothes. His skirts and dresses have been switched out for pants and tshirts.
Togami hates it.
Does Chihiro know how lucky he has it? To be able to dress as a girl and have no one question him?
Togami snapped out of his thoughts when he felt Makoto put a hand on his shoulder.
“You okay, Kuya?” His boyfriend asked.
“Yeah,” Togami grimaced at the use of his name. It felt gross to him for some reason. “Just lost in thought.”
“Alright,” Makoto went back to his food.
Chihiro must have felt eyes on him, because when Togami looked up again Chihiro looked back. The wide-eyed boy noticed Togami’s discomfort and mouthed “you okay?” Togami responded with a nod and resumed pushing his food around.
Soon enough breakfast was over. Makoto had gotten up to drop off their dishes in the kitchen, leaving Togami at the table. It was this time that the programmer confronted the heir.
“Good morning, Togami,” Chihiro smiled.
“Morning?” Togami was a little surprised. They never really talked unless they were working on a project together.
“Can we talk? You can decline, of course,” the small boy chirped.
Togami thought for a minute. He was disgusted with himself for letting his emotions show so easily. However, he thinks talking to Chihiro will help him sort out these emotions.
“Sure. Can we talk privately?”
“Absolutely!”
Makoto returned from the kitchen.
“What are you two talking about?”
Togami didn’t know how to answer, partly because he didn’t know what they would be talking about. Luckily Chihiro stepped in.
“I was just asking Byakuya if he wanted to hang out for a bit. It won’t be too long. Is that okay with you?”
“Sure, just don’t keep him too long,” Makoto turned to Togami and held his hands. “You’ll see me afterwards, yeah?”
“Yes, I will,” Togami leaned down to peck Makoto on the lips. He’s gotten better with small displays of PDA over the last couple months.
“Alright, see you,” Makoto exited the dining room, waving wildly. “Bye, Chihiro!”
Chihiro giggled and waved back. “Bye, Makoto!” He looked up at Togami. “C’mon, let’s go.”
The two of them walked down the dorm hallway.
“Did you want to talk in my room or yours?” Chihiro asked.
“Mine,” Togami answered as they reached his door. He opened the door and sat on his bed. Chihiro took the desk chair.
They both sat in silence for what seemed like forever, neither of them knowing how to start a conversation. Togami got more anxious as time went on, his skin feeling uncomfortable and itchy.
“Are you okay, Togami?” Chihiro broke the silence.
“Yes,” Togami’s voice sounded unsure and scared, completely different from his usual tone of voice.
“Please don’t lie, Togami. I hate to push you but something is clearly bothering you.”
Togami didn’t respond. He stared at the carpet, not looking at the short boy whose staring holes into the other. Togami’s arms were crossed and his back was slightly hunched, again completely different from his usual perfect posture.
Chihiro huffed. He really wanted to help Togami but he couldn’t if he won’t talk to him.
“Byakuya.”
Togami cringed at the name. It made him feel uncomfortable. It felt like it didn’t belong to him.
There it is, Chihiro thought. He felt bad about making Togami uncomfortable but it was helpful to at least getting close to an answer.
“You don’t like your name?”
Togami curled into himself more. He turned his head away so it faced the wall behind his bed, away from Chihiro.
“Shut up,” he spat.
“Mind if I ask why?” Chihiro’s voice was gentle and smooth, trying not to sound pushy.
After a moment of silence, Togami took a shakey breath and answered.
“It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like it’s not mine,” Togami sounded on the verge of tears. Chihiro couldn’t help but blame himself.
“Sorry for making you uncomfortable.”
“Don’t,” Togami said sharply. “My brain is just being stupid.”
“How?”
Togami curled up even more and started shivering.
“It’s not fair. It’s not fair! How can someone like you not want to be a girl?! If you had just kept wearing dresses I wouldn’t be having these stupid thoughts!” Togami gripped his hair. “This isn’t normal! I had these thoughts pushed away but you had to come and ruin it!”
Oh. Chihiro pieced together what Togami was feeling. He didn’t want to assume anything but Togami is already hysterical and he’s afraid to push. But he knows Togami will feel better getting the emotions and thoughts out into the world.
Chihiro stepped over to the bed and knelt down to be eye level with Togami. He saw tears flowing down Togami’s face. He felt bad about putting him into this state.
“Hey, it’s okay. Can I touch?” Chihiro asked, referring to Togami’s hands. He would feel bad if Togami got hurt and he knew the other needed comfort.
Togami nodded and Chihiro held Togami’s wrists, thumbs stroking the suit jacket.
“How long have you been having these thoughts?”
“A while. I had to disguise myself as a girl once and since then…” Togami choked on unshed tears.
“Have you ever thought about being a girl, Togami?”
Togami sniffled and nodded.
“Have you ever considered that you might be a trans woman?”
More tears fell and Togami shook his head no. “I c-can’t. I’ll be disow-owned,” Togami said through sobs. “J-just stupid fantasies. They’ll p-pass.”
Chihiro didn’t know Togami’s family history. The only one who knew anything was Makoto. What Chihiro did know was that he hated Togami’s father for making his teenage child feel this way.
“It’s okay to feel this way, Togami. If you get disowned for being who you are it’s not your fault.”
“I worked so hard,” Togami said in barely a whisper. “I’ll lose everything.”
The two of them sat in silence a little longer, Chihiro never leaving Togami’s side. He wouldn’t leave his friend in such a broken state.
“You’re right, Fujisaki,” Togami finally whispered.
“Hm?” Chihiro matched Togami’s hushed tone.
“I…” Togami started. “I’m a woman.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I am a transgender woman.”
“Good,” Chihiro smiled, still holding Togami’s wrists. “How to you feel?”
“Scared.”
“I’m sure you do. Coming out is a scary thing.”
Togami hummed in response. She was much calmer than she was before.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No. You can stay a little longer.”
Chihiro and Togami ended up hanging out until lunchtime. They were just asking each other questions back and forth. By the time the bell rang no one would be able to tell Togami was crying. Before leaving the room Chihiro stopped Togami.
“Hey, do you have a name you want me to call you?”
Togami thought for a second before answering.
“Polaris.”
“That’s a pretty name.”
“Thank you,” Polaris looked nervous.
“I won’t tell anyone, okay?”
“I appreciate it.”
Polaris took her usual spot next to Makoto. He was kind enough to get a plate of food ready for her.
“Hi, Kuya!” Makoto smiled. “Did you have fun with Chihiro?”
“Yes. Spending time with him wasn’t unbearable,” Polaris tried her best to ignore the use of her dead name.
“That’s good! I’m so glad you’re making friends,” Makoto smiled softly and took Polaris’s hand.
Polaris hummed in response.
“I need to talk to you after lunch, Makoto. In private.”
“Oh?”
“It’s very important.”
“Is everything okay? You’re not breaking up with me are you?”
No but you’ll probably break up with me.
“Of course not, Makoto,” Polaris answered. She looked up to see Chihiro looking back at her. He gave a thumbs up. She gave one back.
“Okay.” Makoto resumed his lunch.
Chihiro once again approached Polaris after lunch.
“You doing okay?”
“Yes. I’m planning to come out to Makoto,” she said in a hushed tone so no one else would hear.
“Really? I’m proud of you,” Chihiro smiled and sent a thumbs up. “Good luck.”
Polaris smiled when she saw Makoto. Makoto smiled back and wrapped his arm around her waist as they walked to Makoto’s room. It’s where they normally hang out when they want privacy.
They sat cross-legged across from each other on the bed.
“What did you want to talk about?” Makoto asked.
Polaris sighed heavily. She was beginning to doubt herself.
Just spit it out.
“You okay, Byakuya?”
Polaris cringed. She supposed this was a good gateway.
“Please don’t call me that anymore.”
“Oh, okay. Any reason why?”
“It’s not my name anymore.”
Makoto looked confused. “Okay? What is your name then?”
“My name is Polaris,” okay now stop. “Togami Polaris,” you don’t deserve the name Togami, disgusting filth. “I’m a trans woman,” great now he’s going to leave you idiot.
Makoto was silent for a bit, absorbing the information. As time continued Polaris got more scared. She thought Makoto would break up with her and never want to talk to her again.
“Polaris, Polaris, hey,” Makoto grabbed her hands, much like Chihiro had done earlier. Polaris didn’t know she was crying. Her heart swelled hearing Makoto say her name.
“Thank you so much for telling me,” Makoto smiled sweetly at his girlfriend.
“You’re not disgusted with me?”
“Of course not! I love you.”
Polaris choked on tears. “I love you, too.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, how long have you known?”
Polaris smiled. “I think I’ve known for a while but I just came to terms with it this morning.”
“Ah, that’s why you were talking to Chihiro.”
“Yes,” Polaris wiped tears away. Her glasses were getting foggy from crying. “Why? Were you jealous?”
“Pfft, no.”
Polaris looked at him.
“Okay, maybe a little.”
Polaris laughed. Her laughter was such a rare thing and Makoto falls in love with her all over again every time he hears it.
“Can we keep this a secret for now? I don’t think I’m ready to come out to everyone else yet,” Polaris stroked Makoto’s hand with her thumb. Her hands were bigger than Makoto’s, with long, slender fingers.
“Of course, Polaris.”
Polaris has never felt happier in her life than she had in that moment. She felt so warm and light after letting her feelings out.
She will do what she can to make the world acknowledge her as a woman.
Togami Byakuya is no more.
She is Togami Polaris, Super High School Level Affluent Progeny.