Work Text:
The tate museum was for the hopeless, restless people surrounding the place of the famous London. It was for them to stop the endurement of the unspoken pain, their issues that'll turn to some paints all over the white turned rainbow walls and blank spaces with death wishes or even the ones that'll constantly be marked in your mind and not just for the white spaces — The unspoken truth of the people booking around the place started to fill the white colored walls. Their dramatic statement started to ink the sides, in all squares, it was enveloped with nothing but satisfied smiles from despondent people. Foreigners coming from different places just to get their sanity back by drawing unspeakable figures speaking their downfalls in life that no one could ever judge.
The place were filled with words, artistic statements, painted all over the white walls by the people in need of free therapy — people with no place to speak their words but have the urge of writing them down on the floor along the others'.
A tate museum.
But hey, the whiteness of walls from the upper part of the place could never replace the brightness of Jihoon's smile when he read the statement written on the side of his' art space, or his so-called, depression space.
"Wow." The first thing he ever said that night was that word, while he traces the words on the wall next to him before getting a side glance and a proud smile from the man on his right gripping on his paint.
"See? I told you," presenting his handwritten words while he plastered the cheekiest smile that Jihoon favored. "Now, people can understand my point. If they ever see this part of the museum, read my statement, maybe they'll consider reflecting on themselves the boom, problem solved. No more failed relationship can ever ruin them and their peace."
Jihoon watches the guy excitedly jumps up and down, unlike the other people inside the museum, they're the only ones that is loud enough for Hyunsuk's voice to engulf the spaces around the place. Jihoon laughed at him, tilting his head.
"You think that it'll solve their problems, hyung?" Suppresing his laugh, reading the statement above Hyunsuk.
"Not all of them, maybe at least one?" Hyunsuk looking back and forth to the words painted on the white space, proudly raising his brow at the guy.
Don't deprive people their freedom to choose.
"That's like, telling them that their mother is a female, hyung. Relationships are complicated than you think, but if you insist though, why do you think that statement could help them to be more precise?" He gave his man a chance to explain, so Hyunsuk smiled at him gradually letting his eyes be the brightest amongst the art pieces.
"People need to understand that love isn't all about choosing who's who, choosing to stay, or anything about the statements they saw on the internet today," he pointed at his words, with a small smile on his lips, Hyunsuk started to elaborate his statement. "Love can also be about knowing what your significant other's freedom, because if you take away their freedom to choose, they'll never choose to stay with you. I mean, you get it? If you stop them from freely choosing what they want, they'll never choose you again?"
Jihoon got his point. Of course, so he laughed. Loud enough, fading along the blues of Hyunsuk's explanation, Jihoon felt his heart clenching when Hyunsuk explained his small wordings. He knew.
"What made you think that?" Jihoon asks the most obvious question, making Hyunsuk chuckle while looking back at him.
"Because that's what I did to you."
Winter, the start of freezing wind coming across the street to the other side of the intersection. Winter, when the sight of shivering ungloved hands trying to find a warm cloth to be heated, can be seen. Winter, when the approaching snow makes Hyunsuk and Jihoon excited through the years only to be right here inside the warmed and heated walls, away from the sight of the falling snow outside the museum, away from the things they promised they'll take away for a little while. Just for this night.
Winter, when Hyunsuk started to look at Jihoon in his most vulnerable state while smiling at him.
"I failed to understand your freedom, took away your freedom to choose because I wanted you to choose me in ways as if I never even thought about their consequences, that's why we're here," he shrugs his hand, taking his palms up while smiling. "I took sides against your dream to be a music producer nowhere in this place, tried to make you stop from writing lyrics, your scrabbles that I took just to drop it somewhere in the apartment you'll never see again,"
"You never took away anything from me but here I am, suffering from the consequences of depriving you the freedom to choose your track because I was scared," Hyunsuk chuckles, putting a hand over the dirtied walls as if the paint doesn't bother him but Jihoon's stares.
"I realized that I should've given you your freedom, because if I did, you would've chosen me too."
It wasn't the place that decided to fill itself blue, but the two people looking at each other in their longing stares while the other smiles at the latter.
"I heard from Junkyu, you already accepted the offer to Australia," Hyunsuk gets his eyes back to the younger man. Jihoon looked at him with sad features, dried eyes but never the ones without the love for Hyunsuk.
He'll never look at him without his orbs speaking out his truth of love. That's his truth. Out of all the words, scrabbles, or doodles around the museum, his truth isn't written on the walls but in his eyes. In his almond ones, hoping to be decipher by Hyunsuk's.
"Hyung..."
"You're on your way to the airport, right? That's why you let the guard outside to look after your only baggage and tries to look for an excuse because you wanted to make things up to me, again, right?"
And no words are left to spoke by Jihoon, but a sigh of agreement as if he got caught in act of trying to make things up for Hyunuk for the last time.
He heard a chuckle. Once again. That night, Jihoon heard it.
"I'm sorry but can I ask, how can you still stand me and my abusive personal issues? How can you stand being with me throughout the years of us being together? Did I scare you too much that you can't say no to me or yo—"
"What else is there to say but it's because I promised to love you when you accepted me when no one dared to do it, hyung?"
Oh, Jihoon dared to answer his unspoken thoughts. Hyunsuk heard an answer from him, not just a sigh of defeat, but an answer from the man who would always say yes in everything as long as Hyunsuk likes it?
He should be happy, yes?
"That's why I'm giving you the last time to take me to the places you wanted, because I know I owe you the hopes you've given to me before. The gratefulness I have in me when you made me feel like I am never a goner, or a restless man without sorts. I owe you a lot, and if giving you that last time to take me to a new place is a good closure, I'll let it happen."
The first snow started to fall, it was the month of the people freezing closely to death, but Hyunsuk never knew it could be a month for the heartbreak to be continuous.
"Because God knows, despite all the things you prevent me from doing and made me choose, you know I would've chosen you 'coz I have nothing else in my choices but you."
They found themselves outside the museum, Hyunsuk in his typical winter suit, and Jihoon in his airport clothes while gripping on his baggage. The white small flakes coming from heavenward started to pour faintly, blurring the sights of the two people looking at one another, longingly.
"I just really want to be a producer, love."
Between those sweet lines, Hyunsuk knew he heard the faint lies coming from the last word. But its warm never fade, and that will haunt Hyunsuk tonight.
But God knows how it wasn't the truth behind Jihoon's smiles, because he could've told Hyunsuk how much he want to hear him chuckle again, tell him his insights about everything, take him back again, which is what scares him. There's no turning back now. He really wants to be a producer.
"Will you wait for me?"
Aside the snow, Hyunsuk's cold eyes started to fall down to his side when he heard the question.
Jihoon smiled, faintly.
He took his helmet after putting his baggage on the back of his motorcycle. Not akin of the eyes from his side, watching him fix his getup before taking on his helmet.
Jihoon take his eyes on the man after finally fixing his posture on the vehicle, he waved his hand to the smaller man with a hidden smile by his jet black helmet. The snow started to fill the sides of the streets, and people walked fastly just to get home without because of the cold.
One last time, Jihoon looked at Hyunsuk before nodding at him, eye smiling before waving.
"Thank you for everything, hyung."
Jihoon gets passed by the hopeful eyes from his former man, the downside of the road started to gets slippy but he was skilled enough to take it like a professional rider not until he heard a faint scream coming from his back saying,
"I'll wait for you to come home, Jihoon-ah!"
His winter ended with that.
•••
"I made home."
To whisper it in a soft voice, light aura, and eye smiles while looking at the back of his beloved wearing an apron, preparing for dinner—is a dream for Jihoon.
It is a dream that is more to the make-believes he had written for the past years of writing lyrics and poems for his muse; the man playing with the hem of his apron while waiting for dish to be cooked in a minute. Jihoon could write a lot of 4 stanzas of poems for the guy whom turning his head towards Jihoon's direction with his big smile he'd compare with the drowning water bodies they'd explore together. Oh, he is a poet.
"Welcome home!"
Believe it or not, he had written a poem too about the words that yet to take his insanity from him in seconds after being said. The quickness of transitions after years of dating made him realize that it is better to hear welcome home than come over. Jihoon smiled at the guy, sweeping away the restlessness from his body as he felt recharged from the welcoming body of his house partner.
"Did you eat already?" The small body made its way to the taller man, arms stretched up in the air, inviting Jihoon for a big hug he'd let himself be energized with. Jihoon took that chance to get his arms engulf the smaller one's as he smiled with his lips on the man's forehead.
"I haven't, I thought you would cook for me again. I can't let your hardwork go in vain again, love." Oh, can you hear it?
It is the sound of love chuckling right in front of him before showering him with kisses.
If he would given a chance to say that call sign for the same person, he'd take anything to get that chance on his grasp because he'd rather die than to call anyone love without being the man he promised himself to die for.
The man in front of him stopped giggling before loosing his hold to his man as he peek over the stove, before panicking. "It's gonna get burned! Wait—aish! yah! Stop distracting me!"
"You are the one who ran towards me. Whipped much?" Jihoon teases him, placing his case on the chair next to him before walking towards his husband, snaking his arms around his man's waist, making the smaller man jump in shock.
"Yah! You son of a—hey!" The latter protests, holding the panhandle on his left hand while he tries to grab Jihoon's hand off of his waist. "I swear, you're gonna get yourself burned—"
"I missed you."
The smaller man felt a head on his shoulder, the arms around his waist tightened its hold and Jihoon pulled him closer to his body as he whispers—more like, chants his secret messages for the man he'd seal the gates in heaven just to wait for him. Hyunsuk frowned, confused with the hastily breathing of his man as if he just got the worst day passed right before him.
"I missed you. I missed you," he chants, in his smallest voice. He breathes, along those lines, he whispers in Hyunsuk's ears like he recites them in front of the whole board ever so perfected like it was meant for him to chant the whole night. Hyunsuk found himself shock, not able to move while he feels the warmth coming from his man scooting his head closer to the crook of his kneck.
"God, I do fucking missed you, love."
It starts. Despite the fact that the rainy seasons ended a few months back, it happened that this night, rains aren't the only ones that'll fall down at this moment of the approaching winter month. Jihoon held his body closer, his head feels like it's having its own war between reality and make-believes that he mentioned earlier.
"Jihoon-ah..."
The sound of love failed to give off that warmth, and only whispered to his ear in its coldest breathe as if he's reminding Jihoon how they'll always find themselves running towards each other to witness the first snow of the winter month for the past years.
It's just that, it's been a year since Hyunsuk started meeting the first snow by himself.
Alone.
Hyunsuk realized the chants, the longing and unknown warmth coming from the ghost of his past, the sudden freezing air coming from nearest doorway Jihoon entered, plus the dirtied clothes he never knew he'd ever see again.
He smiled.
He remembered the reason why he started meeting the first snow of winter all by himself.
"I know," his smaller figure started to crumple within Jihoon's tight hug while he kept his eye smile away from his man's sight. "I know, Jihoon-ah. Me, too."
Hyunsuk knew the ghosts of his past is never the one hugging him from behind, but his mind who hasn't been cured as it continuously draw images in his mind, all for his eyes to obey, and let his body be the greatest traitor of his life as if he can really feel the warm hug of his beloved.
It sounded so pathetic, yet endearing.
And no one is there to remind him that no ghost could ever make him feel this homely and comforting feeling,
unless it's Jihoon's.
So instead of shaking off the undeniable episodes of his traumatic past, he hugged him back, eyes looking back at the stove burning nothing but the pan as it gets matte black. He forgot, he can't cook. He can't cook, anymore. Eversince that night.
"I missed you, too." Oh, how many times did he mention it before?
"Are you having a hard time?" Jihoon asks, the cold of his breathe sent chills in Hyunsuk's back making him chuckle.
"I'm not," then he heard a shallow whisper once again. "Alright, alright. I am."
Despite the good hallucinations of this night, his heart started to clench in pain when he realized how bad things went to him when Jihoon left him all alone at that winter night, bathing on his own blood as he got involved in a hit and run, how it really ended his winter for a lifetime.
"Life has been treating you bad?" Jihoon asks once again, and Hyunsuk nods, giggling.
"Yeah, really bad, I felt like giving up everything and just go with you." Playing with his fingers as a coping mechanism whenever he has his episodes, Hyunsuk started to look down while letting his mind be used to the hallucinations overnight.
"Then it's like you're letting me deprive your freedom to choose, too, hyung."
The statement made Hyunsuk look at the guy, but he was greeted with a sincere smile.
"I'm here to say goodbye formally, you know? I can't let you follow me, I'll stick with you being the boss of me so don't you ever think of trying something to harm yourself, because it'll make me think that I stopped you to keep going with your life and choose whatever you want." Jihoon shrugs, lips closed to pouting as if he's about to nag Hyunsuk's questionable life decisions.
His cold hands started to take Hyunsuk to face him, Jihoon cupped his face while he studied the features of his lone man, he smiled again.
"I'll never not give you the freedom to choose," he reaches for his cheeks with defeated eyes. "And if choosing to love again is another way to get you out of the box that traumatized you enough, then I'll be more than happy to let you."
"I'm letting you to let me go, hyung."
Jihoon's statement echoes in Hyunsuk's mind, far from the statement he had read on the walls that night, Jihoon's remarks started to take over his mind while he looked at the fading ghost in front of him. The cold started to fade, the white cotton shirt dirtied by the snow that night fades along the wind in a slow pace, and Hyunsuk witnessed how Jihoon's hopeful eyes stared to be dull but his lips didn't follow the dullness, because it kept its smile.
"I won't be home for... a long time. So please, find a new one. The one that won't deprive your freedom to choose, too. Not for me, but for you, hyung."
Hyunsuk stood in silent, eyes roaming around the features of his dead man with its palest skin reflecting the fluorescent light above the room.
How come a ghost of his mind could be this beautiful whilst its goodbye?
In a heartbeat of time — Jihoon was gone, again.
And this time, the air don't suffocate Hyunsuk anymore.
The wind of the approahing winter started to make him feel excited, his body dropped on the floor but his eyes no longer cries in agony, but in joy because of the images he saw that night.
He saw Jihoon, and it felt real.
It felt so real, that he no longer feel like longing for Jihoon.
It's like... Jihoon had let him go.
For the betterment of his own, he faded with the means of letting Hyunsuk to let him go as well.
For what?
"Hyunsuk hyung! Are you alright? Wait, did you burn yourself—Wah! The stove! Wait! Oh my gosh—"
His eyes darts to the man panicking at the side of the kitchen, tussock colored hair started to dance along his movements while he panicky turned the stove off, sighing in disbelief when he saw the pan is smoking. The tall man started to face-palm himself, before finding himself looking at the small figure dropped on the floor with concern.
"Are you alright, hyung? Did you hurt yourself?—"
"I saw Jihoon, Yoshi!" Hyunsuk excitedly spoke while holding onto Yoshi's stretched arm. "It felt real like I— Like I was really... I was—"
It was the cue for his tears to roll down. And the stretched arms started to console him with warm while he pats his shoulder, trying to make Hyunsuk calm midst his episode.
"Hmm? And what did he say?" Yoshi calmly asks, not looking down at his hyung with pity in his eyes, but joy can be seen in his tiger-shaped ones. "Did he talk about your bad habits? Did he say something to you about stopping hurting yourself, hmm?"
His calm voice started to came onto Hyunsuk, and it felt warmer than ever. He heard Yoshi's voice a lot of times, but he never actually listened to him attentively because he hates being around people.
And Yoshi stayed with him for the most times.
Hyunsuk started to talk about earlier, and Yoshi listened because he knew Hyunsuk isn't this excited whenever he talk about his hallucinations, or even talk this much whenever he's around so Yoshi felt a little amused with Hyunsuk being too excited.
He felt like thanking Jihoon suddenly.
"Do you... want to visit Jihoon tomorrow, hyung?"
Yoshi's words rang in Hyunsuk's mind, making him stop from talking about earlier's moment and realized that the guy was looking at him without pity, but a hope in his eyes while he solely smiles.
Hyunsuk heard Jihoon's words once again.
"I won't be home for... a long time. So please, find a new one. The one that won't deprive your freedom to choose, too."
Hyunsuk smiles at Yoshi, nodding happily.
Yoshi pats Hyunsuk's head, tearing his cheeks because of his big smile then says, "alright. Let's go and buy some flowers for him. Choose the one you want, I'll wait outside the shop, okay hyung?"
The one that won't deprive your freedom to choose.
Hyunsuk chuckles, the one that he would always let Jihoon to hear, and it was Yoshi's first time to hear a chuckle as genuine as that.
"Let's watch the first snow, Yoshi-ya."
Hyunsuk started the winter of that year with no longer a long face, a downturn smile, or longing eyes — instead, it was the first time in a while that he greeted winter's first snow,
not alone.
He looked upward and smiles, solely letting the snow touch his face while he lets Yoshi put the flowers of a certain someone's grave, Hyunsuk whispers.
"I hope you made it home, Jihoon-ah."