Chapter Text
Rihanna - Hate That I Love You ft. Ne-Yo
And I hate how much I love you, boy (yeah)
I can't stand how much I need you (I need you)
– Hate that I love you, Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo
Jimin stared at the beautifully designed card that was clutched in his death grip from where he was sprawled on the floor. He didn’t remember how or when he ended up here.
It had been two days since he received the invitation. A wedding invitation to be specific. Not just any wedding. The love of his life was getting married. And not just anywhere. In Venice, his dream wedding destination.
The room was colder than usual and it was dark just like his life was. The walls were bare of colors. A boring white coated the walls and that too was chipping away. He stared at the vacant spot on the wall that had once been decorated with prettiest things.
How long had he been crying? His tears have dried out now and the trembling in his hands has subsided. But the void in his heart remained. He couldn’t bring himself to move from that position. Everything hurt. His heart, body, and soul.
It felt as if someone ripped his heart out and stomped all over it. But it was something he knew would happen. He had been preparing for this moment for so long, yet the reality was far worse. He wasn’t expecting Jungkook to invite him for his wedding. But here it was, the shiny card with gold intricate letters.
Tears blurred his vision again and Jimin was surprised he was still able to produce tears. With great difficulty, he tore his gaze from the card and looked out of the only window of his bedroom. It was dark and he didn’t know if it was dawn or dusk. He’d lost track of time.
His stomach growled but he was in no mood to eat. He was in no mood to do anything. Just like how he hadn’t left his room since he received the invitation or hadn't even showered. Jimin hasn’t felt this sort of despair since the first time of losing Jungkook. It was too long ago.
Seven years should be a long time to get over things, but the pain was still fresh and raw as if it had happened yesterday. He glared at the card again. The wedding covered the travel expenses of all its attendees. Jungkook must be really well off to pull that off.
Then again Jungkook was born with a silver spoon unlike him. He always had more money than he could count. Once he had been ready to throw all that away just so he could be with Jimin. More tears trickled down his cheeks.
He wondered how his life would have been now if it weren’t for the unfortunate accident that changed everything. Would it be their wedding now? Would it be Jimin’s name on the card instead of some unknown woman? His eyes stung.
Why?
Why is life so cruel?
As if losing his family at a young age wasn’t enough, he lost his first and only love too. Jimin knew he would never be able to love anyone else in this lifetime. Jungkook was the one for him. It’ll always be him.
His throat constricted as he tried to get up from his uncomfortable position on the floor. His leg protested and his muscles screamed from staying in the same position for too long. He really wasn’t thinking when he sank to the floor with the invitation in hand. His heart was elated upon seeing that name after years and it even stupidly hoped that his once boyfriend had finally decided to reach out.
His body didn’t remember it wasn’t that flexible anymore and that his crippled leg wasn’t friendly to support the position he was in. He groaned and moaned in pain as he adjusted his leg and found purchase in a nearby chair to lift himself. By the time he dropped into the chair, he was panting softly and sweating slightly.
Once upon a time, he was such a graceful dancer. He was popular in school and college. Everyone said he had a great future in dancing and that used to be his dream until the accident confined him to the bed.
At least now, after years of physical therapy, he could move around on his own and was able to ditch his wheelchair. The said object glared at him from the corner of the room. He still kept it, just in case.
With a sigh, he stared at the invitation again. Maybe it was time to let go. Was it even possible? Would he be able to erase every memory that was ingrained into his brain? But he had clung to the blind hope of meeting his lost boyfriend one day and sorting it out. He had spent years dreaming of the day Jungkook would come home and embrace him when he learned the truth.
Jimin wondered if it was the universe’s way of telling him that everything was truly over. Would he really be able to let go? His heart and brain disagreed. His thoughts might be jumbled given his present emotional state, but it was one thing he was sure about.
Jimin had loved Jungkook since he turned sixteen and found out he was into men. After all these years, he just didn’t know how to live a life without Jungkook in it. They might not be together anymore, but their shared memories and hope to meet him again one day kept him going every day.
Again, he didn’t need anyone’s permission to love someone, did he? If Jungkook was happy with his life, then that was all that should matter, right? He never once stopped to wonder if Jungkook would ever want him back because what they had was real. The love they once shared went beyond everything. He believed in it, but not it all felt like a joke.
Did Jungkook really move on? Maybe he did. He must have met someone better than Jimin. The more he looked at the invitation, the more real it became.
He laughed at himself. You should have known better. You should have remembered your life as you know it was over. There’s no going back.
Jimin had long made peace with himself. He had accepted his reality as cruel as it was. He had resigned to his fate. He learned to live with uncertainty. Then what was the problem? Why was it hurting so much?
Maybe he spent a little too much time daydreaming that Jungkook would come back. He would somehow learn the truth and come to him, saying he still loved him.
He laughed humorlessly. How foolish of him. At least those thoughts kept him going. But now, he’d have to live with the knowledge that Jungkook has moved on. That he had someone else in his life. Someone who wasn’t Jimin.
He wiped his face and read the last few lines once again, making a final decision. He was going. This might be his only chance to see Jungkook again. To clear the misunderstanding.
He might not be the one who was getting married, but he sure wasn’t going to miss it. Maybe at least then, his stupid love-struck heart would be able to let go of some of that longing and realize Jungkook was never coming back.
Perhaps it was too late to fix everything, but at least, he’d return with the knowledge that he tried. Or he just simply wanted to see how his Jungkook was doing now. To commit every inch of his beautiful face in his memory again.
Yeah, he might be insane for doing this. But who cares anymore? He had nothing to lose.
***
“You know you don’t have to do this,” Hannah told him for the umpteenth time when he told her about Jungkook’s wedding invitation and his decision to go.
The small diner was bustling with patrons. It was busy as on any weekday. He had inherited the business from his uncle after his death. It was his livelihood. He met Hannah a year later when she came looking for a job and the two had become close friends. Jimin was glad to have her in his life because the accident took not only the love of his life but his friends too.
That was another thing that made his nerves haywire. He hadn’t tried to contact any of them after his accident and he could only guess they must be furious at him. After all, they all still thought he left Jungkook.
“I have to go,” he confirmed.
It was time to close that chapter of his life. Maybe if they saw him, it would clear some of the misunderstandings. Maybe he would finally find some peace knowing his friends didn’t hate him anymore.
It was also a paid trip. He didn’t have to spend a penny to see the place he always wanted to visit. It was a win-win situation, he tried to motivate himself.
“I know this won’t change anything, but I want to go. I want to see,” his voice cracked.
After his initial breakdown, he realized why Jungkook invited him to the wedding. He must be still salty about their unfortunate breakup. Because why else would he choose Venice as the wedding destination?
Jungkook could hold grudges for too long. Whenever they fought, he could go long without so much as talking and it was always Jimin who went after him. Jimin was too scared to find out what he would see once he got there. He now had no doubt what he might find, but was still scared to confirm.
For the hundredth time, Jimin told himself this was the right thing to do. He can’t keep running anymore. This was his last chance to see Jungkook one last time. Even if it would hurt him endlessly, he had to do it.
He brushed off the tears that were gathering at the corners of his eyes and smiled sadly at Hannah. “It was my dream to get married there,” he said. “I just wanna go and see. Even if I’m not the one getting married, I wanna know.”
As sick and painful as it sounded, Jimin wasn’t going to back down. Just one last time before he retired to this small hole he called home. One trip.
***
Jungkook couldn’t believe what he heard. He was out with his friends for the so-called wedding shopping. He was never a fan of shopping, especially if it involved his family.
The fitting took forever and they could never agree on a fucking cake. His taste buds were numb with all the sweets he had consumed and he was now at one of the popular wineries for the wine tasting. Why did they cramp everything in one day? He felt tired to his bones.
He lounged in one of the chairs outside with his friends, who were cracking jokes about the day to lighten the mood when he received the news. Jimin had accepted the invitation.
His fists clenched. He didn’t expect him to accept but this was… He felt a sick satisfaction filling him. Jungkook couldn’t help it. After Jimin left him with no word, he spent years trying to get over his first love. That only resulted in resentment and hatred. Years and years of pent-up rage.
So when he learned from a common friend that Jimin had settled in Busan and owned a small business there, he used that opportunity to invite him to his upcoming wedding. What better way to rub it on his face? To show him he was better off without him. And more specifically, he would marry in Venice, in exactly the same manner they once dreamed of and Jimin would see what he missed.
“You really followed through,” Taehyung grumbled under his breath. “You’re crazy, Jungkook-ah. Why won’t you listen to us for once?”
Taehyung went to university together with Jungkook. He was the same age as Jimin and their common friend. He was the one who was shocked more than anyone was when he learned Jimin dumped him.
“Didn’t peg you for a masochist.” Namjoon shook his head with a disapproved look.
“I don’t like this,” Seokjin grunted. “It’s a marriage. It’s not just your life you’re playing with.”
As usual, Jungkook turned deaf to their chastising. He knew all that. He weighed the pros and cons. While the cons weighed higher, he just knew it'd be worth seeing Jimin crumble with guilt. He shouldn’t have given him hope. Shouldn’t have broken his trust.
Maybe he was a masochist. Maybe he was ruining his life in the process but did that matter? He didn’t think so. Not when he was still stuck in the past, unable to move on. Not when Jimin occupied every waking moment of his life.
He needed to move on. He couldn’t live like this forever. What better way to do that? Perhaps seeing Jimin again would help him to forget him. Maybe he’d find a reason to let go of his feelings for Jimin. Let go of this anger. Maybe he’ll get his closure.
“He accepted the invitation. Now what?” Yoongi asked.
Jungkook shrugged. “I’ll show him what he missed.”
None of his family knew Jimin’s identity as far as he was concerned. They only knew he had a boyfriend in college and thought it was just a phase he was going through. Only Namjoon, Seokjin, and Taehyung knew about him. The Kim brothers were his cousins and it was they who helped him to keep his relationship with Jimin a secret for years because they knew how homophobic his family was.
Yoongi and Hoseok were Namjoon’s friends who became his friends when they joined Jeon Corporation to work for them later. They only heard about Jimin from Namjoon.
“I’m still against this. You’ll only end up hurting more,” Taehyung chided. “This is not how you get over someone.”
“You haven’t even dated anyone in seven years after the break-up, Jungkook-ah. What if this backfires?” Hoseok asked in a concerned voice. “You know you could have just talked to him if you know where he is. Get that closure and move on.”
It was true. After Jimin left, he threw himself at work and worked his ass off to be where he was today.
When Jungkook loved something, he gave his all. Just like he did it with Jimin. His family never accepted his sexuality and when they gave him an ultimatum, he had chosen Jimin over everything. Was ready to leave all the luxury he was born with to start a new life with him. However, Jimin never came. Never called and disappeared.
Jungkook tried so hard to find him but came up with nothing. At one point, he even suspected his family had done something. But Jimin was truly gone from his life without so much as an explanation. Maybe he shouldn’t have given an ultimatum to Jimin. Jimin wasn’t ready to leave everything behind. But he had no choice. And he really believed Jimin would choose him.
Was this even necessary? He didn’t know. Maybe he was punishing himself but he just wanted to see how Jimin would feel when he saw what he had in store for him. After all, Jimin once dreamed of this wedding.
Tingling laughter filled the air, pulling him out of his thoughts. He lifted his head to see his fiancée with her friends. His parents had been trying for the past two years to get him to marry someone from their social circle. He had always refused. Then when they came with a proposal to marry Song Hyewa, he had a sudden thought.
In his defense, it was a day he ran into his college mate from Busan and learned about Jimin. When he asked how Jimin was doing, his friend had told him that Jimin was happy and all Jungkook could do was fume.
He was never one to make good decisions when he was emotional. So that night, Jungkook had called his parents and told them he would marry Hyewa with a demand that they’d let him plan the wedding.
Luckily, Hyewa was onboard when he sent her the wedding plan. They’ve been to a couple of dinner dates and held hands in the presence of their family, but there was no chemistry between them. Jungkook still didn’t know what he expected out of this wedding and his friends were furious. However, what could they do when he was being stubborn as a mule?
He wanted to hurt Jimin just the way he hurt him. He wanted to see his face crumbling when he learned it was everything Jimin ever wanted. Jungkook was driven by anger and pain. There was no backing off now and he was determined to see this through even if it was at the cost of his pain.