Work Text:
Perhaps it was a little pretentious to say, but writing lyrics had always been easy for Jisung. He had often spent entire nights awake in the studio, watching Chan and Changbin struggle to find the perfect words to express what they needed. In the meantime, if he concentrated just a little bit, he could finish his projects in well under an hour every time.
His friends had often begged him to explain how he did it, to give them some hint about his seemingly infallible writing process. But the truth was, there was no trick. The words just came to him if he really wanted them to, and there was nothing more to it. Besides, he didn’t actually produce more songs than the other members of 3RACHA, because it required a level of concentration and dedication that he just didn’t feel like mustering most of the time. He had always worked best under pressure, and the more successful they became, the less fixed deadlines were. It wasn’t great for his creativity.
On this particular night though, around three o’clock in the morning, Jisung started to wonder if maybe he had lost his touch entirely. Chan and Changbin had long finished their verses on a song that the company expected to receive, finished, within the next couple of days, and had started on the other members’ parts the night before. Jisung, on the other hand, had spent the last seventy-two hours going insane over figuring out what he even wanted to express in his lyrics, much less which words to actually use.
He hadn’t written a single line yet, and staring at the white page filled him with more shame and dread as time went by. Chan and Changbin had been generous so far. They hadn’t made any kind of comment about his struggle, quietly taking care of the rest of the song. But as the deadline loomed over them, their silence couldn’t last.
“Hey, do you need help?” Changbin gently asked after Jisung’s sixth cup of coffee, watching wearily as he picked up his pen with shaky hands.
“No man, I’m alright,” he stubbornly muttered, doodling on the corners of his page to avoid their concerned gazes.
“It wouldn’t be a problem, you know. How many times have you written my verses in trainee days?” Chan joked. Jisung smiled distantly at the memories. Chan had always excelled at writing lyrics for the vocal parts, but rap took more work for him.
“We haven’t started Minho’s lyrics yet. Do you maybe want to work on that to take your mind off things?” Changbin offered, and Jisung tensed.
“Why would I want to work on Minho’s part?” he asked quickly, scribbling more furiously. The paper tore under his aggressive pen, and Chan and Changbin exchanged a concerned look.
“Is there something you’d like to tell us?” Chan asked, reaching out to gently grab his hand. Jisung felt tears sting his eyes as he desperately tried to blink them away. “You know we wouldn’t judge you about anything right? Whatever it is, you can always talk to us.”
Jisung smiled, pained. He knew he could say just about anything in this room, and it would never get out, not even hidden in the lyrics of a song. But if finding the words for his part was difficult, figuring out a way to explain to his best friends, whose opinion he valued more than anyone else’s in this world, was impossible.
“Do you know Felix walked in on me eating hard boiled eggs with chocolate yesterday? He walked around and hasn’t really talked to me since, not that I’ve been home a lot. But obviously food is sacred to him, and I think he’s disappointed in me,” Chan chuckled.
“Bro, you eat chocolate with hard boiled eggs? What the fuck, man?” Changbin laughed, pushing him away from himself with a disgusted look on his face.
“What? It’s good! You should try it someday,” Chan argued, and Changbin fake gagged.
“I think maybe I like boys,” Jisung spat out finally. “Well, men rather. I think I like men, too. Or only men, I don’t know…” he whined, tugging at the roots of his hair.
“Okay,” Chan was the first to speak up, still as gentle as ever. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked, and Jisung whined again. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“I think I should, man. It’s been driving me insane,” he chuckled, though there was no real humor in his voice.
“Alright, has something happened? Where is this coming from?” Changbin prompted. “And does it have anything to do with Minho, by any chance?” he added hesitantly.
“What? Why would you say that? Did he say something to you? Because nothing happened, I swear,” Jisung startled, shrugging Chan’s hand off.
“Okay, you need to relax, Jisung,” Chan said then, getting up to fetch him a glass of water that he placed on the table in from of him.
“Minho didn’t say anything, but even if something had happened, you know it wouldn’t be a bad thing, right?” Changbin reassured him, though he seemed a little wary.
“I know,” Jisung said, embarrassed.
“Being attracted to men isn’t something to be ashamed of,” Chan added, and Jisung could feel his cheeks burn.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Good. So, what happened? It doesn’t take a genius to notice how you nearly fell off your chair when I asked you to write Minho’s part,” Changbin said, his eyes once again shining with a slightly wicked glint.
“Nothing more than usual, really,” Jisung sighed. “I mean he’s always been flirty, right? He’s like that with everyone, he grabs your butt when you walk by, he calls you baby, he feeds you even when you’re already full,” he mumbled, missing the amused look the other two gave each other.
“No, Jisung, he isn’t like that with everyone,” Chan said meaningfully.
“I mean he does slap my butt sometimes, but he doesn’t grab it,” Changbin shrugged.
“Yeah, he does do that. But he doesn’t call us baby, and he certainly doesn’t feed us. I tried asking for some of his steak the other day, and I thought he might bite my head off,” Chan chuckled.
“Wait, what?” Jisung asked, a little dumbfounded. He had spent the past five years convincing himself not to read too much into Minho’s flirty behaviors. Had he been wrong?
“Are you being serious?” Changbin laughed. “He’s been in love with you for years now. He literally tells you he loves you every single day.” Jisung’s head was spinning.
“Well, yeah, but I thought he meant…”
“You thought he meant it as a friend, didn’t you?” Chan asked gently, looking warningly at Changbin.
“How was I supposed to know?” Jisung exclaimed, feeling as though he might have a panic attack. How could he have missed it was apparently the real question.
“It’s okay. What changed?” Chan encouraged him.
“I don’t know. I just notice everything so much more now. Every time he looks at me, or when he touches me… I feel like a goddamn schoolgirl. Sorry,” he added when Chan glared a little, “not a girl. I just feel like I’ve never been flirted with, like it’s all so new and like, world-changing. I’m like hyperaware of his presence and it’s freaking me out. I mean he’s my colleague, it’s weird right?”
“Like a virgin,” Changbin sang teasingly. “Touched for the very first time…”
“You’re an asshole, you know that right?” Jisung threw his pen at him, though he appreciated that his friends weren’t making a big deal of it. He had been scared Chan might lecture him on how unprofessional he was being.
“So, what are you going to do about it?” Chan asked instead.
“I mean, nothing? I don’t even know if I could be into him to begin with,” Jisung shrugged, fidgeting with his rings.
Chan and Changbin exchanged a meaningful look then, wordlessly communicating as they managed to do sometimes. Jisung always found it impressive yet very annoying.
“So, what you’re saying is you’d like to figure out if you like men before you think about whether you like him in particular?” Chan asked slowly, and Jisung started feeling a little suspicious.
“Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m saying. What are you planning? You’re scaring me,” he joked nervously. Their gazes on him felt heavy.
“No, don’t be scared,” Chan quickly reassured him. “We were just thinking…”
“Do you want help?” Changbin asked, straightforward where Chan had obviously tried to be subtle.
“Yes, obviously, that’s why I’m talking to you guys about it,” Jisung scoffed.
“No, Changbin’s asking if you want us to help you figure out if you like men,” Chan explained patiently.
“I don’t get it,” Jisung blanked. How does one help with such a thing?
“Okay, so I know this may be shocking news to you,” Changbin started slowly, repressing a smile. “But we are, in fact, men.”
“Changbin…” Chan shook his head disapprovingly, though the fondness in his eyes never quite disappeared whenever he looked at one of his members.
“What? I was just making sure he knew,” Changbin chuckled.
“I still don’t understand,” Jisung said. Or perhaps he didn’t quite want to.
“See! He needs everything to be spelled out for him. We can help you because we’re men. Like, we could kiss you for example,” Changbin finally offered, and Jisung gasped.
“What the fuck are you saying? Stop messing with me, I’m being serious,” he choked out, embarrassed.
“So are we, Jisung,” Chan intervened, reaching for his hand again. The contact soothed him. It always did. “If it helps you figure things out, we’ll do it,” he said with a genuine smile, and Jisung found himself hesitating.
“But that would be so weird,” he protested still.
“Wait, so you haven’t kissed any member before?” Changbin asked, and Jisung scrunched his nose.
“Of course not, man,” he quickly said before considering their surprised looks. “Neither have you, right?”
“I mean I don’t think anyone ever managed to kiss Minho, no,” Changbin shrugged. Chan nodded pensively.
“So, you’ve all kissed everyone, except for Minho,” Jisung asked, deadpanned. He was weirdly relieved, but also a little incredulous. When had any of that happened? And more importantly, why hadn’t he been invited?
“Yeah, we have,” Chan shrugged. “Literally, Changbin and I kissed for the first time like three weeks into knowing each other, just to test it out. Maybe it could be a 3RACHA tradition,” he joked.
“And be thankful, he has gotten a lot better since then,” Changbin teased.
“Only thanks to all the practice we’ve had,” Chan giggled, playing with the hair at the back of Changbin’s head.
“Okay, you’re definitely messing with me,” Jisung scoffed, because what the hell?
“No, we’re being very serious,” Chan said. “We can show you if that helps. We’ll get us started,” he offered genuinely, and Jisung felt just about ready to pass out. Had he fallen asleep? Was the exhaustion messing with his head?
“Uh…”
“Yeah, let’s do that,” Changbin piped up. “Enjoy the show,” he winked at the youngest before getting up and sliding into Chan’s lap, straddling his thighs effortlessly.
Chan smiled softly at Changbin, shifting around a little and asking him if he was comfortable. When Changbin nodded, Chan wrapped an arm around his waist, buried his other hand in his hair, and brought his head down to press their lips together. Jisung gasped, unable to look away. A soft sigh fell from Changbin’s mouth, who all but melted in Chan’s arms, cupping the leader’s face with gentle hands. There was something hypnotizing about the display, the kiss obviously following a well-rehearsed rhythm. There was nothing exploratory about it. This was a well-known intimacy, Chan biting Changbin’s bottom lip just right before Jisung could catch just a hint of tongue. He couldn’t look away, and he didn’t quite want to, either.
When they parted, Changbin’s teeth hung on to Chan’s lip for just a moment before he let it go, twin smiles illuminating their faces. “See,” Changbin said, a little breathless as he turned to look at Jisung. “Nothing to be afraid of,” he chuckled, getting up and off of Chan’s lap. Jisung’s face was on fire. It had looked so easy, and he couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of their freedom.
“So, do you want to try now?” Chan asked, still ever so gentle. Jisung felt himself nod distantly. He was nervous, but he was no longer scared, and anticipation twisted his stomach as Changbin scooted closer to him with a slightly predatory smile. “Wait,” Chan chuckled, “what do you actually want?”
“What?” Jisung asked, strangled. Was he actually going to make him say it? He felt like he might die from the shame.
“Okay, first of all, relax,” Chan said. “Take a deep breath, we won’t do more than you’re comfortable with so don’t be so nervous. Second, do you want to kiss both of us or just one?”
“I think both,” Jisung whispered. He would feel weird picking one of the two.
“Okay, that’s fine,” Chan smiled. “Who do you want to kiss first?”
“I want to take his boy kiss virginity!” Changbin whined then, and Jisung blushed a little bit harder.
“This is isn’t about you, dude,” Chan chastised him a little.
“It kind of is though. It’s gonna be my first time kissing him! It’s special for me too,” Changbin pouted and the leader rolled his eyes.
“Changbin can be first, that’s fine,” Jisung intervened, smiling when his friend cheered dramatically.
“You don’t have to say that just to make him happy, you know?” Chan reassured him, but Jisung was sure. A chaotic first kiss might be a better idea that the sweet, tender kiss he expected Chan to give him. If it didn’t work out, he could just laugh it off and go about his day, unchanged.
“No, it’s okay. I think it should be Changbin,” he insisted, and Chan nodded.
Jisung gasped when Changbin pulled him down to the floor with him. He dragged him between his open legs, and they ended up facing each other, Jisung’s thighs on top of Changbin’s as they loosely wrapped around his hips.
“I was joking, you know, we should only do this if you’re really comfortable with it,” Changbin murmured then, and Jisung rolled his eyes.
“Just kiss me, dude, I’m not made of glass,” he said.
Changbin smiled wickedly, grabbing the nape of his neck with a strong hand to pull him in. Jisung held his breath when his friend’s lips met his own, just sitting there waiting for it to happen. He had expected a peck at most, but Changbin’s mouth was insistent against his, the kiss soft but skilled, and Jisung let himself be carried by the rhythm of it. It took a second for him to start kissing back, but when he did, he couldn’t hold back the groan that escaped his lips.
He had kissed his fair share of girl before, perhaps even a few more than the average teenager. And every experience had been more or less the same for him, something he did because that’s just what people in general did, and he had always been obsessed with being normal. The way that Changbin kissed him was nothing like it. It felt personal, like who he was and who he was with mattered, and it was wonderful.
But it was over soon, too soon. Jisung had barely started allowing himself to enjoy it when Changbin pulled back, chuckling when a whine escaped him as he chased his lips for a half a second. Then he opened his eyes, and remembered what he was doing, and he wanted to disappear.
“So,” Changbin smirked, “what did you think?”
“Changbin… Don’t tease him, yeah?” Chan reminded him, and Jisung was thankful for that.
“I’m just asking! I think he did good,” Changbin shrugged, and the youngest smiled at the compliment.
“Do you want to keep going?” Chan asked after a moment, allowing him to catch his breath a little.
“Yeah,” he replied, perhaps too quickly, but neither of his friends made fun of him for it.
Chan nodded with a smile, patting his lap invitingly. Jisung stood up then, making his way over and waiting awkwardly for instructions. When the leader tugged on his arm to sit him down, straddling his thighs as Changbin had, it knocked the breath out of his lung in a delicious way.
“I’m going to kiss you now, okay?” he heard him ask distantly. He nodded, closing his eyes as he waited.
Where Changbin had been enthusiastic, Chan was unsurprisingly soft, gentle. He kissed like he was, giving and generous. Jisung felt his hands roam respectfully along his back and waist, and when he felt the softest tug on his hair, he was surprised by the moan it pulled from his lips.
Something changed in Chan, then. His strong arms looped around his waist, tightening possessively as his kiss deepened. When his tongue brushed against his mouth, Jisung gasped, lips parting to allow Chan to take more. The youngest felt overwhelmed by his all-encompassing presence, like nothing out of his embrace existed anymore. And when he gently nipped at Jisung’s bottom lip, he moaned softly again, and Chan groaned, standing up with him in his arms.
Jisung gasped, wrapping his arms around his shoulder and his legs around his waist, hanging on as tightly as possible as he desperately struggled to keep their lips attached. But Chan’s arms were still strong around him, as he felt himself be gently laid down on the couch. Chan hovered over him, caging him in in a protective embrace, and Jisung’s head spun at how small he felt, how fragile and precious. He felt like he could let go entirely, and nothing could ever happen to him.
Changbin eventually pulled on Chan’s shoulder to detach the two, mumbling about how they should probably take a break. “Or at least let me know if I should leave you two alone,” he joked.
“Sorry,” Chan whispered then, his forehead pressed to Jisung’s shoulder who played with his hair soothingly.
“It’s okay,” the youngest quickly reassured him. He had loved every second of it, and it broke his heart to have to hear an apology about it. “Thank you,” he softly murmured, genuine. Because now, he had his answer. “Both of you,” he added then, finding Changbin’s affectionate gaze.
“Anytime, buddy,” he chuckled, running a hand along Chan’s spine. “Hey, are you going to be okay?” he asked when the leader sat up.
“I think I need to talk to Felix,” he admitted then, and the other two looked at each other before collapsing in a fit of giggles. “What?”
“Yeah, no shit,” Jisung choked out, tears streaming down his face.
“Hey!” Chan nudged his shoulder. “You thought Minho wasn’t flirting with you for real, and you have yet to even admit how in love with Hyunjin you are. You don’t get to judge,” he whined, and they only laughed harder.
“Speaking of Minho,” Jisung finally sobered up a moment later, “I should probably go talk to him, huh?”
“Yeah, probably,” Changbin smiled.
“Alright, boys, let’s go home,” Chan sighed. “We’ll finish the song tomorrow,” he added, safely turning off all of his equipment.
When they stepped out into the night, a few minutes later, Jisung looked up at the stars, wide awake despite the late hour. He giggled at the memory of what had happened in that studio, and when they made their way home together, closer than ever, he couldn’t quite believe his luck. Fifteen-year-old him would have squealed at the idea of kissing Chan like he just had, and one day he might finally admit it to himself. Twenty-one-year-old him was about to go confess his feelings to his best friend. Chan had finally realized his feelings for his almost-twin, and maybe Changbin would soon stop admiring Hyunjin from afar. He chuckled merrily at the prospect, excitedly dragging his friends along, suddenly too impatient to wait a moment longer.