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To be honest, Namjoon isn’t fond of touch. It’s one of the first things Taehyung noticed about him once they started living together in the cramped dorm. Incidentally, he also called his mother that night and complained about how stuffy everything in the broke-ass company was. They had three rappers who were also composers and lyricists and a few producers. They kept growing, becoming bigger, and bigger till they could afford a better place. Instead of all of them sleeping in one room with a touch phobic Namjoon, only Taehyung had to share a bedroom with him.
There was thought of asking Jungkook whether he would trade his solo room with Namjoon. The leader deserved that. But Namjoon awkwardly bowed out of the conversation.
“I’m rarely here and Taehyungie sleeps in Jimin and Hoseok’s room a lot.” He stated.
Well, there was a reason for that.
Apart from photoshoots and public required aegyo, Namjoon was not keen on touching. Taehyung doesn’t realise when it changes. When Namjoon starts falling on Seokjin when he laughs too hard and curls an arm around Jungkook’s bicep when he compliments his body. It’s evident in the way when Jimin hugs him more freely and Yoongi pats his back lightly. It’s small, but the change is here.
Taehyung doesn’t wait for Namjoon. After their concert, one night, Taehyung charges in their resting room where they have gathered to click their traditional post-concert picture. The high of the stage is lingering in Taehyung’s limbs. He takes his seat next to Namjoon and wraps him up in a tight hug, both arms embracing Namjoon’s torso and a leg curving around his legs. For the smallest moment, Namjoon freezes and Taehyung realises he crossed a line. His leg that is perched up on Namjoon’s knee starts to loosen but Namjoon wraps both arms around it and grins at the camera.
The picture is perfect. Taehyung masks his disappointment well.
There isn’t something inherently wrong with Taehyung. Namjoon is still awkward when it comes to touching Yoongi and Seokjin and sometimes Jungkook, too. They’re equally awkward around him.
Namjoon is especially challenged when they do an SBS clip. Namjoon is asked to touch each of his members. It is supposed to be some silly little thing about 'Which song touched you the most in 2019'. Namjoon appreciates the wordplay. He decide that he won’t let anyone else know how he’d be touching them and it would be a secret for the members. He’s started looking a little more handsome than he normally does because of the long hair. Taehyung recently got a perm and when everyone fluffed his hair and complimented him, Namjoon had just smiled sweetly and told him he looked handsome.
For the shoot, Taehyung has to sit quietly while Namjoon would record him and then touch him and it takes every single fibre of Taehyung’s being to not spontaneously combust in his seat. He’s seen Namjoon intertwine his fingers with Jungkook’s, pull Jimin’s cheek, cup Hoseok’s jaw. Those were the easy ones. The tougher ones are Yoongi and Seokjin. Even there, Namjoon does well. He shakes Yoongi’s hand and does an ET forefinger touch with Seokjin. It looks adorable. Everyone is surprised and happy how far their best friend and leader has come. From being uncomfortable at every physical contact possible, he’s here now, comfortable enough with every member.
Taehyung’s turn is last. He’s trying his best to not move, his best to not make Namjoon uncomfortable like he did back then. Namjoon has his camera on him as he takes quiet steps. Taehyung doesn’t look at him, instead, focuses on the lace of Jimin’s shoe that is loosened. He focuses on the rise and fall of his own chest. Namjoon walks closer, closer still. Taehyung’s breath fails to complete as the oxygen stays somewhere between his lungs and his throat and Namjoon places a hand on his head.
His thumb combs through Taehyung’s hair softly then stays in place for a second. His palm is warm, one of the warmest things Taehyung has ever felt. Shame, he didn’t touch his skin.
He didn’t touch his skin.
It’s okay. Taehyung smiles when the camera pans away. Namjoon’s touch feels warm.
Technically, this is a part of the shoot. In front of the camera, Namjoon’s touched him many more times. Today, everyone got to feel Namjoon’s skin. Everyone but Taehyung. It’s hard not to take it personally.
Taehyung has learned to quench his touch starved thirst with Jimin or Hoseok who are more than willing to pamper him with kisses and cuddles.
Somehow, nothing fills the gap left by Namjoon. And Namjoon has left a huge gap now.
Then 2020 arrives and the world stops. They stay inside, no cameras, barely-there shoots. Namjoon is still playful with others and Jimin and Hoseok aren’t enough for Taehyung.
Taehyung isn’t fond of confrontations.
Namjoon is working in his bedroom today. He keeps up a strong face in the face of difficulties. He just finished a YouTube live where he announced the release of their new album. They all know he’s suffering and when Taehyung walks into his bedroom, he sees Namjoon tapping repeatedly on his notepad with the top of his pen.
“Hyung,” he calls softly. “May I come in?”
Namjoon looks up and nods. “Taehyung-ah, you don’t have to ask always.”
“I thought you must be busy,” Taehyung shrugs. “Do you have some time for me?”
Namjoon’s brows furrow. With his grey sweats on, he looks comfortable. Taehyung is wearing a matching pair.
“Of course. What’s up?” He keeps his notepad aside. There is soft music playing in the background. Taehyung makes a mental note of asking Namjoon what the song is.
He sits on the foot of the bed. Namjoon’s chair is close by. Their knees brush like this but Namjoon pulls back and they aren’t touching anymore.
Taehyung takes one of Namjoon’s hands in both of his.
Warm.
Namjoon clears his throat. Awkward. “Uh, I’m all ears.”
Taehyung rests Namjoon’s hand on his own cheek, feels the calluses and lines and hums to himself. “Why don’t you touch me?”
Taken aback, Namjoon’s hand on Taehyung’s cheek stiffens. Taehyung lets it go.
“I- uh, I’m sorry?” Namjoon settles the hand in his lap but he doesn’t move away this time.
Little wins.
“I know you used to not like touching people earlier but now, you do it. You just don’t touch me. So, I wanna know. Why?”
It’s evident that Namjoon didn’t expect this. Especially now when Taehyung is comforted by the other five. Even Yoongi, who isn’t fond of having any form of physical contact seems to like hugging Taehyung. It just isn’t enough.
“Wow, okay. I wasn’t expecting this to come up all of a sudden,” Namjoon laughs. He scratches his nape and looks at the floor but Taehyung is worse at these things.
Taehyung isn’t fond of confrontations.
Namjoon isn’t fond of touching.
“But it’s come up now. So, where do we go from here?” Taehyung takes Namjoon’s face between both hands gently and another win because Namjoon lets him. “I wanna know.”
Taehyung isn’t the only one who gets to surprise Namjoon today. Namjoon gets back to him easily.
He smiles, “Because a part of me is scared that once I start touching you, I won’t stop.”
And gosh, he’s so shy. His cheeks feel warm between Taehyung’s palms and his skin looks pretty with the faintest hint of a blush.
Taehyung is pretty much irresponsive by this time. His subconscious brain teases him about his vanished bravery. His hands withdraw quickly but Namjoon is faster. He takes Taehyung’s wrists and brings them to his mouth. “May I?”
Taehyung nods dumbly. That, he can do. Why can’t he talk?
Carefully, Namjoon kisses each wrist, lips pressed against his pulse point one after the other. “Wanna touch more,” he says. Taehyung is unsure whether he’s talking to himself or to Taehyung. Either way, his hands crawl up Taehyung’s face as he traces the apples of his cheeks, his chin, the tip of his nose, his ears and when he reaches his neck, Taehyung shudders.
“You- you’re touching me,” he sounds so dumb, it’s ridiculous. “You’re touching me?”
Namjoon giggles. “I am. Wanted to do this for a long time, away from cameras, away from other people. Forgive me if I can’t stop, okay?”
Taehyung gulps, “O-okay.”
Namjoon’s hands move towards Taehyung’s collarbones. His touch is warm and soft but he is away. He seems to realise the distance at the same moment and climbs on the bed to sit next to Taehyung.
“I like touching you so much,” he whispers his words. “You’re soft.”
Taehyung sighs and closes his eyes. One of Namjoon’s thumbs moves to his eyelid. He uses his other hand to rub circles over the knob of Taehyung’s wrist.
“I like you touching me, too.”
“I like you.”
“I- like you, hyung.”
Taehyung is glad his eyes are closed. He feels his heart jumping in his chest, trashing around to move free and make him dance. Not that Namjoon would mind Taehyung breaking into an abrupt performance. He’s embarrassed himself enough today.
“When did you get comfortable with touching people?” Taehyung finds himself asking. He opens his eyes to find Namjoon deep in thought.
“I don’t know, exactly. The more I spent time with you all, the more I started being okay with it. Just with you-” he laughs a little, “I like you. I have a big crush and I want to touch you all the time. I was always worried that I’ll freak you out by not stopping.” His hands are on Taehyung’s leg now. He cups Taehyung’s calf in one hand while the other kneads its meat. He’s so weird. Taehyung is crazy about him.
“I always thought I was the only one you didn’t wanna touch because of something I did or said to make you uncomfortable.”
Namjoon shakes his head, “Never. You were always so understanding. You’re so kind, Taehyung.”
"You are, too. I feel so stupid. I should've talked earlier. I-"
Namjoon places a finger on his lips, "You've talked now. You're braver than me. I was marinating in my own angst instead of just talking to you. I'm just-" Namjoon's forehead creases, "I'm just glad this is happening now. I am."
Taehyung smiles. “I wanna lay with you.”
Namjoon grins at him and lies down first. “Wanna touch you more.”
“Touch me.”
The situation outside is still bad. They’ve been wanting to meet their fans for a long time. Then, they get the opportunity to meet one fan who went viral for a mic drop performance a while back. It’s for a talk show: You Quiz On The Block. Taehyung loves that show.
“You will get interviewed separately later, too. But it would be in groups.” Their manager informs them.
It’s Yoongi who asks, “What are the groups?”
“It’s you and Seokjin-ssi as one unit. Jimin-ssi, Jungkook-ssi, and J-hope-ssi in one group.” Namjoon’s eyes are on Taehyung, a sly smile on his lips. Taehyung shies away and focuses on their manager. “Namjoon-ssi and Taehyung-ssi in one unit.”
“What message do you have for your fans?” Yoo Jae-suk asks Namjoon.
Taehyung keeps his gaze on the table in front of them. “We all want them to know that we miss them. We wanna meet them offline as soon as things are safe.” Namjoon answers, very polite, very honest.
Jo Se-ho looks towards Taehyung, “What do you wish to do when you meet your fans offline?”
Taehyung answers, “I wanna sing with them, wanna dance with them. I want to see their happy faces and tell them how much I have missed them. I want to hold their hands and be glad that I get to feel their love. ”
Next to him, Namjoon is smiling brightly, “It’s difficult in this situation but we have each other for now.” He takes Taehyung’s hands and intertwines their fingers. “At least we get to hold each others' hands for now.”
Taehyung grins at him, “At least that.”