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Shinji sobs, desperately trying to get past the barrier separating him and Kaworu. If he could just reach through it, maybe he could save him. Maybe he could let the one of them that deserves it make it out of this alive.
Kaworu only smiles at him from the other side. It’s a calm smile, the smile he always had.
“Don’t look at me like that.” He says in a soothing tone of voice. Even in his last moments he’s trying to make Shinji feel better. “We’ll meet again, Shinji Ikari.”
“Kaworu!”
Shinji screams and falls back against the other side of the cockpit, watching Kaworu be rendered to nothing more than a grizzly corpse right in front of him. Horrible, gut wrenching sobs overtake him before he even has the chance to think about stifling them.
Kaworu is gone. Shinji is all alone now.
There was no one to save him. To show him sympathy. To tell him he was wanted, needed, even. No one to love him. The only one capable of loving someone like Shinji Ikari had just died in front of his eyes, solely because he had the mercy to let him live another day.
He can’t stop the screams that tear through his chest.
Shinji’s entire body jolts up in his seat. He tries to get a better look at his surroundings, but it’s hard to see through the blur of tears in his eyes.
“Shinji,” a familiar and serene voice calls out to him from close by “are you alright?”
Shinji scrubs his eyes, slightly cringing at the sting. He looks to see the source of the voice and he finds a concerned Kaworu sitting at the desk beside him.
“I’m okay…” Shinji was lying through his teeth. He felt bad, but he didn’t want Kaworu to worry. “What happened?”
Shinji decided to take another look. He was sitting in a classroom only illuminated by the dark orange light of the setting sun outside.
“You fell asleep during our last class.” Kaworu explains. “I decided to stay here and keep watch while you slept.”
Shinji frowns. As much as he didn’t want to burden anyone, he sure does end up doing it a lot.
“Didn’t you get bored?” He asks honestly, leaning back in his seat.
“You weren’t out for that long.” Kaworu smiles the kind of smile that makes Shinji wish he could freeze time just to stare at him for a while. “Besides, I got a chance to study.”
“Right… I’m glad, then.” Shinji murmurs as he fidgets in his seat.
Kaworu’s smile fades back into a concerned frown. “You really seem upset, what happened?”
Shinji sighs. “It’s… stupid.” He doesn’t look at Kaworu. The guilt of telling even the smallest lies made it hard for him to look him in the eye.
Kaworu is quiet for a beat before standing up from his desk and extending a hand.
“Why don’t we take a walk?”
~~~~
Shinji takes in a breath of the fresh spring air. He feels a cool breeze on his skin as he steps outside, which helps him wake up a bit more. This is definitely preferable to being in that stuffy classroom. The sun was much prettier out here than viewed through dirty windows, too.
Kaworu reaches over and gently takes Shinji’s hand. Shinji smiles, intertwining their fingers together as the two start walking.
“Would you like to go anywhere?” Kaworu asks.
“No, I think I just want to go home.” Shinji pauses, and then grimaces at the sudden realization of how much Asuka is going to make fun of him for falling asleep in class the next time he sees her. “...No need to rush, though.” He adds.
Kaworu gives him a nod.
Although there’s a lot less people than if they were leaving school on time, there are still some around. Namely the students who’ve joined after school clubs leaving after their meetings. They were quiet though, and they didn’t seem to be paying much attention to either of them on their walk. It was nice and peaceful. Shinji thinks it might be better to leave around this time everyday. It might even be worth facing Misato’s wrath for constantly coming home late.
“Thank you…” Shinji says, breaking their gentle silence.
“Hm?” Kaworu turns his head to look at the boy beside him. “Thank me? For what?”
“For keeping an eye on me.” Shinji gives him a warm smile. “I appreciate it.”
“I already told you it wasn’t an issue.” Kaworu nudges Shinji’s shoulder, getting a playful chuckle in response. “The quiet was nice.”
Shinji frowns. He wished he could’ve been enjoying this time with Kaworu sooner. Instead his godforsaken brain made him watch his boyfriend die in front of him. Why did this kind of thing happen to him so often? Can’t he just have one nice thing?
Kaworu feels Shinji’s grip on his hand tighten.
“Shinji…?”
Shinji turns his head to see Kaworu, once again with that same concerned expression. He should really tell him what happened at this point.
“Is it… okay if I talk about what happened back in the classroom?”
“Yes, I want to make sure you’re alright.”
Kaworu always spoke to Shinji in that soft, genuine tone. It makes him feel like he’s actually worth something. He wonders if Kaworu knows how much even small things like that matter to him.
“I had a really awful nightmare…” Shinji looks down at the ground.
“Ah. I figured as much.” Kaworu rubs the back of Shinji’s hand with his thumb in an attempt to comfort him. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
“It was- It was weird…” Shinji starts trying to explain, thinking of a way he can tell him what happened without sounding insane. Or at least plain stupid. “We were in a big… robot? Sort of like a mech?”
Kaworu looks at Shinji, puzzled. “Don’t you enjoy those kinds of shows? Didn’t you always say you wanted to be a mech pilot as a kid?”
Shinji nods. He doesn’t know how that got into the dream either.
“The bad part was…” He swallows. Just the memory of the dream is painful. He doesn’t even know how Kaworu will think of him when he tells him. “I had to watch you die.”
Shinji doesn’t want to look at Kaworu’s face in fear that a horrified stare will be waiting when he does. He hasn’t said anything, but he hasn’t let go of his hand either. That’s a good sign at least.
“I think… You were doing it for me. Like a self sacrifice…” He exhales shakily. Suddenly the cool air feels like ice on his skin. “I tried to stop it. But all I could do was watch.”
“Shinji…” Kaworu finally speaks again, but Shinji can’t tell what he’s thinking. He still hasn’t gotten the courage to look at his face.
Shinji thinks. If he’s being honest about this, he might as well come clean about all the others. If Kaworu wants to leave him over this, he’d rather it be sooner than later.
“That isn’t even the only time it’s happened…” Shinji’s voice starts sounding choked up as he speaks around the sobs threatening to crawl out of his throat. “Ever since we started dating I’ve been getting these- these awful nightmares… I keep having to watch you die.”
“Shinji.” Kaworu speaks with more intensity than before, though there’s no venom in his voice. Shinji doesn’t seem to notice.
“Sometimes it’s me that kills you.” Shinji feels his eyes start to sting. He doesn’t think he can stop himself from crying now, so he doesn’t try. “You’ll tell me to kill you. That it’s for the best for me, for everyone. I can’t-” tears start to stream down his face. “I can’t keep watching you die, Kaworu.”
Kaworu finally grabs Shinji’s attention by grabbing his other hand and turning him from walking. “Shinji, listen-”
“Do you hate me?” Shinji hiccups, his hands shaking in Kaworu’s gentle grip. “Are you scared of me now? D-Do you think I’m a bad person?”
Kaworu quickly shakes his head with zero doubt in his expression.
“Shinji, you’re not a bad person for having nightmares.” Kaworu leans in and gives Shinji a small kiss on the forehead.
“I just…” Shinji holds onto Kaworu’s hands tightly, as if he’ll disappear when he lets go. “I don’t want to lose you, Kaworu.”
“Shinji…”
Kaworu shakes his head, pulling his hands out of Shinji’s and wrapping his arms around him in a tender embrace.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He assures him, voice firm yet gentle.
Shinji holds him close, grip tight around his waist. “You promise?”
“Of course.” Kaworu replies without hesitation, running his fingers through Shinji’s messy hair. “I would never lie to you.”
Shinji can’t help but smile. He feels so safe in Kaworu’s arms. For what was maybe the first time in his life, Shinji Ikari doesn’t want to run away.
“Hey, Kaworu?” Shinji looks up at him.
“Yes?”
“Do you want to stay at my place overnight?”
Kaworu smiles.
“That sounds great.”