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“I’m sorry, Odasaku” He uttered and stared down the side of the building.
Ten stories up. Unavoidable death. There was no way he would survive that.
Unlike the majority of Dazai’s attempts this time he wholeheartedly intended to die. No jokes, no silly suicide plans that would more than likely fail. This time it was certain. No space for failure.
A small breeze brushed past as he stared straight down over the ledge. The wind swayed his body backwards as if it were begging him to turn around and change his mind. He was certain though, that this time there would be no changing his mind. There would be no more waiting for a will to live, no more hoping for something, anything, to bring light into his life. He didn’t care anymore. Dazai had completely given up, given up on hope entirely.
His body was completely motionless other than his hair and jacket swaying around in the cold breeze. The city looked nice from up here, he thought. From ten stories up the dark streets of Yokohama looked peaceful, the street lights illuminating the mostly empty roads. From up here the world looked so small. From up here nothing mattered.
With the power to end a life all other decisions seemed so meaningless. All of his life seemed meaningless.
Slowly, he shifted his body to turn around, as if he were dancing on the very edge. Had one rather strong breeze passed he certainly would’ve fallen. Not that it mattered, he was about to leap off of the edge soon anyway. He had turned so his back was to the long drop and faced his eyes upward to look at the sky. The sky was rather empty, the light pollution of the busy city making it hard to see any stars at all.
His whole life Dazai had looked for a reason to live. A reason to care about his life. He knew inside that he would never find it. He knew deep down that he would never find something to fill the loneliness in him. But he still tried.
That was until he met Oda Sakunosuke. A man he almost considered a friend. A man he almost cherished. But even that was ripped away from him. Just as everything else good in his life had been. Torn from his grasps the moment he finally held onto it. Of course it was.
Oda knew it too, that Dazai would never find his reason to live. He had told him that as he died. Told him that he would never truly fill the emptiness in his heart. But despite that he had told Dazai to become a good man. That if he joined the side of light his world would at least be more beautiful.
Yet here he was.
Standing on the edge of a roof top ten stories up.
For the past years he tried his best to become somebody ‘good’. He did everything he could to live and save others. He tried desperately to become somebody Odasaku could be proud of.
But it wasn’t enough. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t continue on anymore.
Dazai shut his eyes. The back of his eyelids only slightly darker than the night sky. Taking a deep breath before beginning to lean backwards.
As his feet left the solid ground of the building the feeling of falling made his stomach drop. It felt free. Finally he would be released from this pitiful life. He longed for the death soon to be. The air rushed past him as he fell, blowing his hair and clothes upwards as if they were running away from the ground. He opened his eyes.
There was another man, falling above him. Moving quickly toward him. A man glowing red around the outline of his body. He recognised him immediately of course. It was Chuuya, falling rapidly toward him, arms outstretched and reaching for Dazai. But why?
It’s not like Chuuya could stop him, Dazai’s nullification ability would thwart any attempts at using anti-gravity to stop his fall. And Chuuya wouldn’t want to save him anyway, would he? Before he could even react the other body had collided into his, wrapping around Dazais. The red outline from Chuuyas ability instantly disappearing the moment they made contact.
“Why Chuuya!? You’ll die, you idiot!” If Dazai hadn’t screamed it the words would’ve been completely muffled by the wind, not that it was the reason he was screaming. Chuuya was now holding on tightly to Dazais waist making it impossible to push him off. He looked to Dazai’s now horrified expression. “Because I won’t let you leave me again you Jackass!” Chuuya yelled.
Dazai tried to push Chuuya away but he kept his arms wrapped tightly around his body and wouldn’t budge. The feeling of somebody touching him for reasons other than violence felt so foreign. He had never been embraced before. The warmth of someone being so close to him was something he had never felt. Chuuya’s expression as he stared into his eyes was one Dazai couldn’t place.
The bandages that previously wrapped around his neck began to loosen and unravel from the force of the fall, eventually coming completely undone and staying in the air above the both of them. It looked like some kind of ribbon as it wiggled in the air, it being much lighter than the both of them it fell much slower, compared to the speed of the pair it looked as if it wasn’t falling at all. Chuuya pushed his head into the now exposed place between Dazais neck and shoulder, his hair tickling skin which wasn’t used to feeling anything other than bandages on it.
To his horror Dazai realised suddenly that he didn’t want to die. His mind filled with guilt. Chuuya was going to die because of him. Chuuya would have rather died alongside Dazai than live alone again. Tears filled his eyes. It was an odd feeling, Dazai hadn’t cried in god knows how long. He had rarely been able to even if he wanted to.
The realisation that Chuuya truly cared about him was like a switch that had been flicked in his head, a sudden change of everything he thought he felt. With that change he realised something else, he cared about Chuuya too. More than anything else he had ever cared about.
The full realisation of the situation that dawned on him felt like he had mentally already splattered against the concrete on the ground. He was really going to die. Chuuya was really going to die. They were both going to die, together. And it was all Dazais fault. His life would really be over after all this time. He had attempted to die countless times in the past but now he was really going to. Yet now, seconds away from death- the thing he had longed for for so many years- he didn’t feel peaceful, he felt regret.
Immense regret that swallowed him whole. He regretted jumping, he regretted that he never realised how much he and his partner meant to each other even if they never said it. He regretted that the only time he was honest with himself was in his very last moments. He regretted that Chuuya had to die now. He regretted that it really was too late now. No matter how hard he wanted it he had no choice other than to keep falling alongside Chuuya and die with him.
His whole life Dazai had rarely ever been in situations without other options but now, he was powerless. He wanted to live. He didn’t want to die. He feared the moment he and Chuuya would hit the ground and cease to exist in this world. He had never let himself feel this before.
And now it would be too late. There was nothing he could do at this point to avoid inevitably splattering to the ground below and there was nothing he could do to save the other man who would splatter to the ground with him.
The minute he found someone that loved him, that person would plummet to their death because of him.
The minute he finally felt the desire to live he was going to die.
The things he wished for so desperately were going to be ripped away from him once again the moment he obtained them.
Guess that notion held true to the end huh.
Finally he wrapped his arms back around Chuuya’s body and held him as tight as he could.
“I'm so sorry Chuuya” The last words he would ever speak, the words he meant more than anything he had ever said before.