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“Because I’m terrified!” Chloe cried, the tears coursing down her cheeks. “Every story, throughout history, throughout time, says that –” Suddenly, Chloe’s eyes widened just as Lucifer felt a gust of wind behind him.
He shook his head as he turned. “Good timing as usual, brother!”
But it wasn’t Amenadiel on the balcony. It was what appeared to be young twenty-ish girl, with an angry haircut and an angrier look on her face. She strode right past Lucifer, then unfurled a set of blood-red wings, sweeping them toward Chloe, the pointed spears at the tips stopping just inches from the Detective’s neck.
“Hello, Mom,” the girl barked.
“Mom?” Chloe squeaked.
“Yeah.” The girl turned toward Lucifer. “I’m your daughter.”
They both gaped at her. Lucifer was the first to manage to speak. “Our… daughter? How can that be?”
“I’m from the future.”
Lucifer looked at Chloe. “Yes, I saw a movie about that.”
Chloe nodded. “Didn’t care much for the sequel.”
Lucifer preened. “Nothing quite like the original, Detective.” Chloe rolled her eyes. “So what are you doing here?” Lucifer continued.
“I was supposed to stop her from killing you, but there are still some bugs with this thing, and I didn’t get here in time for that.”
“You’re a day late and a dollar short, little lady.” Ever since Lucifer had finished Bones, he’d started watching old Westerns. “Anyway, it turns out that a playlist of bad 90’s jams accomplished what you could not.”
“I was going to change my mind about poisoning you anyway,” protested Chloe.
“Were not.”
“Was too.”
“Were not.”
“WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!” the girl screamed.
Chloe summoned her Detective skills. “So how do I know you’re my daughter?”
“My name’s Rory. You remember, if you had another daughter you were going to name her Aurora?”
Chloe thought a moment, then shook her head. “Nope. Not ringing a bell. In fact, I was thinking that if I had another daughter I’d name her Brittany.” Chloe glared at Lucifer. “Until I met your man-whore of a father, that is. Managed to ruin every possible spelling of the name, too.”
“So what are you doing here, anyway?” asked Lucifer.
“I’m trying to get you two together. I mean, I know he’s the Devil and she just tried to kill you, but you’ve got to get over that, because otherwise I don’t get born.”
Lucifer nodded knowingly. “So… we have to be together together.”
“Yeah, something like that.”
Lucifer brightened and smirked at Chloe. “So we do have sex!” he said, his eyebrows arched lasciviously.
Chloe gave Lucifer a look that would have killed a mortal. “So not the time, Lucifer. So not the time.”
Chloe and Lucifer sat on the couch, with Rory in the chair across from them. “So you’re sure Lucifer’s the father,” said Chloe.
“Detective, that immaculate conception thing only worked once,” Lucifer said. “Although I’d admit that having someone who could turn water into wine would do wonders for LUX’s margins.”
“I’m just saying, it could’ve been someone else.”
“Ah yes, another douche, perhaps? Maybe take a go at mating with the world’s second murderer this time around?”
Rory shook her head, the displeasure plain on her face. “Naw, it’s him. And believe me, I know he’s no treat. For most of the time, it was like you were raising three children.” She stared at both of them. “But that’s the way it has to be. You’ve got to work out your differences.”
Lucifer straightened his cuffs. “Shouldn’t be a problem. She’s perfectly comfortable with me being the Devil, right, love? As long as you don’t dart off to Rome to have your head filled with some more nonsense from a priest. Although it would probably be best if I tended to my glass a bit more carefully.”
“Well, pardon me. Finding out that the guy you were swapping tongues with the night before is actually Satan is a bit more traumatic than waking up in the morning and discovering you’re out of coffee.”
“I always told you who I was, Detective.”
“Yeah, and maybe it would have been a little easier to take if you’d shown me your wings instead of going all Devil-face over the body of my ex-fiance. And people think the scene in Psycho was bad.”
“SHUT UP!” Rory shouted, her face fixed in a grimace. “I don’t want to hear any more bickering. Here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to spend some time with each of you to show what a great kid I am, and then you’ll realize how much you want me, so you’ll put all this bullshit aside.”
* * * * *
Chloe and Lucifer sat together on the couch a week later. “So how was it?” Lucifer asked.
Chloe wearily shook her head. “Let’s see, not a day went by that she didn’t complain that I treated Trixie better. When I asked her to pick up her room, she looks at me like I asked her to drink poi –”
“Probably not the best metaphor, love.”
“Right. Anyway, Little Miss I’ll-Do-Chores-When-Hell-Freezes-Over even got the cops called on me. The neighbors were complaining about her playing death metal at full volume at one in the morning. And when I asked her to turn it down she smirks at me and says, ‘Sorry, bitch, my speakers go up to 11.’ What about you? She told me she played some games with you.”
“Oh, right. We had a nice round of paintball until I realized she kept aiming for my face.”
“Did you ever see her… smile?”
“Yes, twice actually.”
Chloe gave a sigh of relief. “Well, that was two more than I saw.”
“Yes. The first was when she dumped all the jewelry I bought her down a storm sewer. The second was when she wrecked the Corvette.”
“She wrecked your car?”
“Yes. She smiled at me and asked, ‘We’re immortal, right?’ just before driving it into a bridge abutment at ninety miles an hour.”
It was five long minutes before Chloe spoke. “I don’t know if I can do this, Lucifer.”
After a minute more, he nodded. “Yes, spending the next forty or fifty years – or in my case, eternity – with an angry, whiny, narcissistic brat isn’t something I relish.”
The conversation was interrupted by a whoosh of air. “You understand the concept of celestial hearing, don’t you?” asked Rory, with the customary pained expression. “So what’s this all about?”
Lucifer and Chloe rose together from the sofa, joined hands and looked at each other, then at Rory. “We’ve made a decision,” said Lucifer.
Chloe nodded. “We’ve decided we’re not going to be together together.”
“In fact, we’re going to be apart apart,” chimed in Lucifer.
Rory stared at them in horror. “But you know what this means, don’t you?”
Lucifer nodded. “Yes, but we think it’s for the best.”
“I’m sorry,” Chloe said, “It’s just that –”
Suddenly, a soft blue light, marked with sparks of lightning, began to surround Rory. “What’s going on?” asked Chloe, startled.
“Relax,” said Lucifer. “I saw this on TV. It’s sort of like what happened to my Mum.”
“You mean she’s going to an alternate universe?”
Lucifer shrugged. “Good enough for me.”
They watched as the blue light enveloped Rory, and then suddenly it was gone, along with her.
“Well, that’s that,” said Lucifer.
She looked at him. “Are you okay? It’s not like it’s you who would’ve had to spend nine months throwing up every morning, walking around on swollen ankles, pissing twelve times a day, and watching yourself get disgustingly fat.”
Lucifer sighed. “No, trust me, Detective, I saw quite enough of Resting Pouty Face. It’s just that…” He looked at her sadly. “There was a part of me that liked the idea of us being together together.”
She smiled up at him. “Oh, Lucifer, we could have been doing that years ago.” His eyes narrowed. “Yes, I’m smacking your butt and two weeks later you show up married to a bimbo. And when you threw me that prom! Geez, does somebody want to buy a pass on the clue bus? I would absolutely have had sex with you that night.”
“You would?”
Chloe rolled her eyes. “Oh, Lucifer, I always thought you were crazy hot.”
“And you, Detective, I always…”
She raised her hand and caressed his cheek. “I know, Lucifer. I know.”
“You know what else, Detective?”
“What?”
“The one good thing Rory did? She did get us past all the ‘bullshit’ between us.”
Chloe nodded. “Yeah.” She smiled. “Show me your devil face.”
He did. She didn’t flinch. “Cool.”
“And you know what, Detective? I’ll bet you would’ve knocked over that glass without poisoning me.”
“What poison?”
They both laughed.
Then they just looked at each other, the warmth between them growing, until Chloe flicked the tip of her tongue across her lower lip.
Lucifer smiled and extended his arm. “Detective, would you accompany me to the bedroom?”
Chloe nodded and looped her arm through his. “I’d like that, Lucifer,” she said softly.
“One thing, though,” she said as he led the way. “Protection.”
“Most definitely.”
“My IUD and two condoms.”
“At least.”
"And I'll go on the pill, too."
"I'll see if I can self-actualize a vasectomy."