Chapter Text
It was rather chilly for a motorcycle ride to another town, but that wasn't a problem for a psychic with pyrokinesis. Saiki Kusuo was on his way to his new apartment for his first year at university, and there was no way he was going to suffer through half a day in public transport for just a few hours at the new place. It was bad enough that he couldn't just teleport in without raising suspicion.
[ New College Town, huh? Seems like an awfully lazy name for a place. ]
Saiki thought this to himself while passing through Neighboring Town and Far Town.
[ Still, I wonder what it will be like. I've already scoped out the area with clairvoyance, but even I have no clue what kinds of roommates I'll end up with. ]
And there was the crux of Saiki's worries. It had been difficult enough to reveal his powers to friends he'd known and trusted for years. There was no way he could do that with strangers, so he'd have to live incognito almost 24/7. It was an intimidating thought, but Saiki had no choice. Neither he nor his parents could afford to rent any of the apartments within reasonable distance to Commonplace University. While his relationship with his brother Kusuke was much improved these days, Saiki's pride wouldn't allow him to ask for help unless there was no other option. And the wages of a part-time job wouldn't be enough to justify the pains of customer service as a psychic.
So for the sake of preserving his budget and minimizing his body count, Saiki resigned himself to a dorm-style apartment a short highway trip away from his new school. His mother had been kind enough to gift him her motorcycle, so at least he had a chance to avoid people on his way to and from class. Kusuke had also offered Saiki a new ride, but there was no way he would drive around in a cat-themed three-wheeler, no matter how much Kaido and Kuboyasu had screamed about its specs.
[ Good grief… I really will miss them. It was very kind of Yumehara to set up the group chat, but it won't be the same. Not sure I'll ever be able to eat ramen again without expecting to hear Nendo's loud slurping. Going out for dessert without the girls gossiping around me is surprisingly boring. Even Toritsuka had been tolerable lately. ]
He knew they would all try to see each other as often as possible, but they were each attending different schools spread across the state. Teleportation would have solved that, but if he was never seen arriving or leaving, he could run into trouble. Perhaps Saiki could make new friends… eventually.
[ This must be the place. Looks like they finished up construction in time after all. According to the worker's thoughts, they had been cutting it close to the wire. ]
The modestly-sized apartment building was five stories tall and stood in the center of a gated complex, ringed with green areas and different amenities. Everything was a tasteful mix of modern and traditional design, which made Saiki a little suspicious.
[ This area was crawling with workers last week, so I didn't get a proper look. But isn't this place way too nice for the amount of rent that I'll be paying? ]
Could it be a ploy by Kusuke somehow? It was certainly possible, but his brother hadn't sprung any bizarre traps on him since the cat tank incident and even left his telepathy blocker off most of the time as a sign of goodwill. Kusuke seemed to be getting his kicks from making increasingly complex cat-themed robots, vehicles, and armor lately, though he would also sometimes cajole Saiki into battling his inventions for old-times' sake.
[ Well if this is a trap, it looks like I've already sprung it. What a pain. Someone in the guard hut recognized me and opened the gate. …Ah, they recognized me because of the picture I had to include with my application. Still, something definitely feels off. What kind of apartment depends on a guard to memorize the faces of the residents?! ]
The guard had closed the gate behind Saiki by the time he registered the thoughts of the people inside the apartment.
[ Oh no. Oh no no no. Are you kidding me?? There's- There's definitely no way that– ]
"Oh! Hey partner!"
[ Nendo?! What are you– ]
"Good to see ya, buddy!" Nendo slapped his back with enough enthusiasm that a normal human would have gotten knocked right off the bike. "After this, why don't we go get some ramen?"
[ Good grief. Why are you here?? ]
"Oh? I live here now. Well, I'll be living here soon anyways."
[ Why? Shouldn't you still be living with your mother if you aren't going to college? ]
"Didn't you hear? Oh? My mom got married again."
[ Who in their right mind would– Well, never mind that, why is everyone else here?! ]
"Oh? Isn't this an apartment? So the people here must be living here."
[ Yes, obviously I know that! What I need an explanation for is why these particular people are all– ]
"Oi, Saiki!!"
"It's Saiki!"
"Saiki's here?"
"Hey, Kusuo!"
"Saiki-kun!"
[ … Hey. ]
It was too late, all of his high school friends had surrounded his bike and were babbling excitedly at him, blocking all escape routes.
[ How are all of you living here too? Our schools are spread out across the state! ]
Teruhashi spoke up first. "💖✨ Actually, High-Prospect Academy is a quick train ride from here! ✨💖"
Kaido chimed in,"Renowned University is only a few bus stops down."
Kuboyasu said, "Barely Made-it College is just an exit away."
Chiyo piped up, "I thought it would be nice to bike to Adequate Academy so I could stay in shape!"
Hairo cheered, "And Not-Just-Sports University is at the end of a refreshing ten mile jog!"
[ So you're telling me that every single one of you is going to a different university and yet somehow this singular apartment building was the most convenient housing every single time?! ]
Hii mumbled, "Ummm, Hazzard University is a little far, but my family lives near here."
Aiura laughed, "I'll have to take the subway to Psyche University but I'm totes cool with it if it means being close to my Kusuo~"
Mera sighed, "It's actually far for me, but the cheap rent makes it worth it!"
Akechi started, "Obviously, the choice of both my educational career and accordant accommodations are the result of a multi-variable optimization study conducted–"
[ Good grief. ]
"Ahahahah! So have you figured it out yet, my bankrupt brethren?"
[ Seriously? ]
"It was me, Saiko!"
The man of the hour made his triumphant entrance in a palanquin, to raucous fanfare.
"Yes! Of course it is no coincidence that all of us are together again! You pin-headed peasants have all fallen right into my trap!"
"What do you mean?" cried out Hairo.
"Think back, you silly serfs! How did you all find out about these apartments in the first place? Was it advertised after an overwrought TV romance drama?"
"Oh no!" gasped Chiyo.
"Did you hear about it on your gym's overhead speakers?"
"Damnit," groaned Hairo.
"Was there a flyer distributed to every minimum wage employer in Left Flank Town?"
"I can't believe it!" sighed Mera.
"Did you see it on a highway billboard overlooking the best motorcycle routes in Japan?"
"FUCK‼️" growled Kuboyasu.
"Was there an ad posted at the local emo clothing boutique?"
"I thought it was the work of the Dark Reunion," muttered Kaido.
"Did it show up as the first result in your off-brand anime Google search for gated communities with full-size kitchens?"
"✨ No way… ✨" said Teruhashi weakly.
"Could it have been the subject of an underground band's hit single?"
"You didn't have to go that far," shrugged Aiura. "I just scryed where Kusuo would be staying. The song was a fucking bop though!!"
"Was it mentioned during a coffee jelly infomercial?"
[ You sick bastard! ]
Nendo raised his hand. "Oh? When did you get me?"
"Remember when I asked for your autograph on a stack of papers and told you to move into a specific address?"
"Oh yeahhh…"
Saiko pointed dramatically at them from the palanquin. "Now you all are finally getting it! It was inevitable that you would come live here! And you can't back out now – the legalese in your rental contacts was developed by Japan's most twisted and perverse minds! You didn't stand a ghost of a chance!"
"Hey, I take offense to that!" shouted Toritsuka.
[ Yes, Toritsuka's mind is definitely more twisted and perverse than that of any lawyer. ]
Nendo looked at Saiko with obvious confusion on his face. "So what did you do all this for, then? Oh?"
Saiko's maniacal laughter paused, and he started to look a little nervous. "Well, it's obviously because…! Because… Well… Naturally I… Um…"
[ What a pain… he did all this because it's the first time he's ever had real friends and yet he barely got to spend any time with them. ]
"DON'T MAKE IT SOUND LIKE I'M DESPERATE TO HANG OUT WITH YOU PEONS!!"
[ Are you really going to be tsundere about this after all the effort you clearly went through? ]
Several of Saiki's friends suffered suspiciously laugh-like coughing fits at this statement.
[ Wait, weren't you also close to Takahashi and his other background character friends? ]
"Of course! My lackeys have been faithfully serving me over the winter break. They will be moving in with you tomorrow, along with another miscellaneous background character to round out the room numbers."
[ 'Another miscellaneous background character'? Could it… could it be…?! ]
"Why should I know the names of the impoverished masses? … My butler peasant says his name is Satou or something?"
[ … ]
[ Yes… ]
[ Yes…! ]
[ YES!!!! ]
"Yeah, he's definitely not leaving now if that normal guy is here," said Toritsuka.
"Hehehe, my partner is making a really dumb expression, oh!"
"ANYWAYS, as I was saying, none of you can afford to break the lease, unless you relish the thought of being even more destitute than you already are! But I am a merciful man, and have provided quarters that I'm sure will be heaven for you in comparison with your previous squalor. In the bottom floor of the building, there is a common area, for the commoners, of course. You are all free to enjoy the amenities there, from the banquet hall and kitchen, to the theatre and basketball court and everything else. You peasants will be living on the second floor, in four separate suites. Each American dorm-style suite features four separate bedrooms, two shared bathrooms, a communal kitchen, and a shared living room."
Saiko paused, looking genuinely perturbed.
"Truly, it was shocking for me to hear that serfs could survive in such cramped quarters. I couldn't believe it when I was told the sizing of these particular suites was generous compared to the typical dormitory… I never understood the phrase 'packed like sardines' until that day… Four people forced to live together in under 200 square meters?! The very thought makes me sick… But it is traditional to live by one's own self during college. So I have downsized my residential footprint and my personal suite is now a humble three stories."
"Are you fucking kidding me⁉️" yelled Kuboyasu, veins popping visibly on his face and hands. "Most of this damn building is just your fucking house and you're calling it HUMBLE⁉️"
"💖✨ Hey, how about we go ahead and take a look inside the building now? ✨💖" Teruhashi gracefully interjected. "💖✨ If Saiko-kun built it, then I'm sure it will be really fancy and comfortable! ✨💖"
"Offu course, Teruhashi-san," said Kuboyasu, his rage instantly quelled.
Saiko clapped his hands. "Naturally the god of peasants is correct. My chief architect will now lead you all on a grand tour. Try not to drool on the floors too much, that creates a slip hazard on marble. But for now, I'll be off to resolve other matters requiring my attention."
There was a general grumble of malcontent, but everyone was actually curious to see their new housing, so no one said anything loud enough for Saiko to take offense.
As he followed the crowd of his friends into the apartments, Saiki couldn't help but smile. If he was honest with himself, Saiki had been suppressing the same desire as Saiko, to spend more time with his friends. Sure, after revealing and explaining his powers to everyone, they had accepted him all the same. In fact, they all seemed to like him even more now that he talked to them freely with his telepathy, even though it often surprised them when their previously silent friend had a quick rebuke or sarcastic comment.
But the fact remained that the third year of high school had been jam-packed with frantic studying for college entry exams, then the logistics of enrolling in universities and moving out. That meant they rarely had time to hang out together. Often it was just Saiki and Nendo at the ramen shop, the other seats conspicuously empty.
Saiki didn't need to study, so he spent a lot of time in third year practicing with his psychic abilities. Controlling them without the help of his limiters was tough, especially since his powers had changed and grown in different ways after applying Kusuke's supposed power deleter. Luckily with the help of Akechi, Kusuke, and even Nendo, Saiki had a much better handle on his powers after working on them for a year.
"This garage is massive! And what's with all these luxury cars⁉️"
"There's really an Olympic-sized swimming pool?"
"Don't get me wrong, Saiko-kun – this is super gorgeous, like right out of a romance manga, but is a botanical garden really necessary for an apartment building?"
"Yo, there's a whole ass French bakery in here?? That's hella lit!"
"I can't believe there's an actual hot spring? I thought this area didn't have any! Could this be a secret opening to the mouth of Hell…?"
After they finished touring the grounds and the first floor, the architect led them up to the second floor.
"Here are your rooms, as chosen by the young master. Suite ◯ has been assigned to Teruhashi Kokomi, Mera Chisato, Yumehara Chiyo, and Suzumiya Hii."
[ Suite O? ]
"💖✨ Just as I thought! It looks perfectly lovely in here! Please send my thanks along to Saiko-kun. ✨💖"
"Wow!! I'm so excited to room with all of you! I hope we'll become good friends!"
"Yay, this is going to be so much fun– Mera-chan, of course there's nothing in the pantry yet, please don't cry!"
"Suite ＋ has been assigned to Saiki Kusuo, Mikoto Aiura, Akechi Touma, and Toritsuka Reita."
[ Suite plus? How am I supposed to say that? ]
"LOL, no, it's Suite ＋, Kusuo!"
[ Suite + ? ]
"Not quite, Kusuo-kun, it's Suite ＋, which requires a laminal denti-alveolar sound–"
"DAMNIT, I have to live with Saiki-san breathing down my neck all the time now??"
[ I'm not happy about that either. Please leave. ]
"Suite ⌇⌇⌇ has been assigned to…"
[ Not even going to try to pronounce that. ]
"Err, this list just says 'Satou Hiroshi, everyone's favorite Takahashi, and more'?"
[ Saiko was really feeling nostalgic, huh? ]
"Heyyy, doesn't that mean Normal-kun will be next door to us now, Kusuo~?"
[ … This may be the best day of my life. ]
"Anyways, moving on! The final suite on this floor is Suite ☐, assigned to Kaido Shun, Kuboyasu Aren, Nendo Riki, and Hairo Kineshi."
"This is gonna be awesome‼️ Like our own little gang!"
"Living and working next to my good friends and rivals every day? The very idea has me fired up!! Let's work out and get strong together, everyone!”
"Yes! Let us all unleash our abilities and gain true strength as men!"
"Err, yeah Kaido, sure. Do your best too!"
"I don't get to room with my Partner? Oh?"
[ I'll just be two doors down, Nendo. We can still get ramen together. ]
"Oh? That's great, Partner!"
"Above us is the penthouse, Suite ☆, which naturally belongs to the young master himself."
"Oooh, do we get to tour Saiko-kun's suite too? Please, please, pleeease?"
"I would especially like to see Saiko-kun's kitchens please!"
"Finally done with the tour, my penniless pals? I would be more than pleased to show you what proper living conditions look like."
[ That just makes it sound like you gave us purposely shitty living conditions. ]
"What the hell, there's a whole spa and sauna in here⁉️"
"If you peasants play nice, I may even let you enjoy the spa! You all must feel so stressed with barely any millions in your bank account. Wait. Do poor people even have bank accounts? They have nothing to store, I suppose…"
"Aren, no!! Don't kick his ass, we just got here!!"
"Hey, Nendo-kun is already on the massage table!"
"Nendo, please get down from– wait, why are you in your underwear?"
"Lmao, don't we usually only see Hairo's ass? This is new."
"Ummm, guys? Uh, please don't be mad but I accidentally spilled all the massage oil so please watch your step!"
"Don't worry, I'll go get something to clean it up, right– AHH!!"
"💖✨ Oh no, Hairo-kun! Are you okay? ✨💖"
"Ahh, there it is."
[ I really missed this. Good grief. You're all as troublesome as ever. ]