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The sun has long dipped below the horizon, casting the ground in darkness, only light naturally by starry skies. I shift a bit, snuggling into the pillows, enjoying the rare break in my neck breaking routine, feeling content to catch up with my favorite book, while waiting for Jamensee to return.
Since we arrived back, it had become a ritual for us to sleep — sadly, just sleep, but having Jamensee in the same bed as mine is a blessing in itself — together in my bedroom as sleeping in close proximity to one another made the impacts of the nightmares less heavy.
I grimace mentally as I recall Jamensee looking at a displeased Miché with his sparkling brown narrowed beneath his eye goggles as the sunshine blasts his face, the same scathing expression he’d give to the huge rats in the tunnels, except now, his eyes looked disdainful, and his red, red lips were pressed into a thin line, jaw clenched tight. It all made me ache to soothe him somehow.
I wanted to keep him in my sights and within an arm’s reach with a startling amount of increasing desperation, but then General Merth — that man is no father of mine — called me away to attend an urgent meeting. And JJ must have seen something distressful flash across my face, for he shooed me away with reassurances, and for a moment I wanted to defy the General, not giving a damn about what he thought about seeing me being weakened by a boy from the Undergrunge, but the now somewhat softened look on Jamensee’s face — what I came to giddily realize was solely reserved for me, and only me — quietened my ire somewhat, and I reluctantly went after the General, bidding a farewell to JJ, and a nod to Miché.
Which was four hours ago.
Few beats later as I almost finish with the chapter, I hear the familiar silent set of footsteps approaching the bedroom door, and I perk up, before hastily glancing down at the book.
“I feel so fricking drained out.” JJ huffs out, his tired voice is followed by the doors of the bedroom creaking shut
I look up faux casually from the book perched on my lap, a finger curled loosely around the corner of the page I just finished reading, intending to move on to the next chapter.
“Hmm?” I prompt him gently, taking in his disheveled state, and tired eyes as he sluggishly moves further into the room, eyes still narrowed into slits, brunet hair a floppy mess like JJ ran his hand through it frequently.
He looks like one of those rumpled kittens I read about in the books that were described as ‘positively cute’.
Jamensee huffs again in response, and grunts a bit in a non-verbal answer as he kicks his shoes off near the cabinets and then drags himself to the washroom, the door shutting behind him with a soft click.
Ever since he came here, he had been awed and fascinated by the high pressure shower in my bathroom, and took any and every opportunity to wash himself, preferring strongly to stay clean.
The water stops running, and then the door clicks shut as Jamensee drags himself out of the washroom. Sneaking a peek up discreetly, I see him wearing my sleep pants which hang too low on his waist, and a full sleeved shirt that also belongs to me.
I clutch the book tighter, feeling my face heat up at how hot and endearing he looks.
The silence of the room is broken by the crisp sound of the page being turned, as I busy my fingers to prevent them from reaching out to brush his soft, fluffy mop of chocolate colored hair.
He makes a soft noise in his throat before throwing himself on the bed, closer to where I lay. I shift my sprawled legs away to give him space as he crawls under the covers.
Soon, I hear a clink of something being folded and the soft plastic sound followed by the rustle of the pillow cover, no doubt him throwing the sun goggles on the pillow.
“Did the training wear you down?” I ask conversationally, as JJ looks up to squint at me, and then wiggles closer, burying his face in his arms with a groan and his muffled voice declares, “Michellēa is a bitch. She took sadistic joy in watching me fall on my face.”
I frown at his head, my hand curving tighter around the now forgotten book laying on my lap, one of my fingers curled around the page twitches.
‘Oh Miché, no’ The thought runs through my head, as my eyes scan over his clothed body, searching for any visible stiffness, or bumps or injuries.
“Are you injured? Do you need medical attention?” I ask brusquely with concern. After several seconds that feel too long, Jamensee shakes his head lightly, still not looking up.
I chew my lip, still gazing at him for a while and sigh, moving my attention back to the book, but half of it already lingers on JJ lying beside me.
Eventually, I lose myself into the world of the characters in the book, living through their adventures with them, so I almost jump when I feel an arm wrap around my stomach, and warmth snuggle in close to my side. Then a familiar head is softly pillowed on my chest, the mop of chocolate hair obscuring my view of the book, and I leave the book to wrap an arm around the muscled torso, pulling him up so he’s comfortable, my body relaxing under his, and my mind quiets down, filling up with a sense of peace that only Jamensee can bring.
This time, I don’t stop myself from tentatively burying the fingers of my unoccupied hand into the silky locks, and my heart rejoices when JJ snuggles in closer, and pushes his head into my palm like one of those affectionate cats I’ve read about.
It’s so adorable, as everything about Jamensee tends to be.
I shiver as puffs of warm breath hits my exposed throat, and I involuntarily pull him closer protectively when I feel lips brush against the dip of my collarbone as he ducks his head to speak, “Read to me, dumbass.”
A burst of laughter escapes my lips at the familiar nickname he had for me since we met at the tunnels. Jamensee shuffles to peek at me from his fringes, and his squinted glare sets me off again. This time, he joins me in with a giggle, and we both bask into the moment, feeling warm, happy and relaxed that we haven’t felt since so long.
I watch as he buries his face into my collarbone, the line of tension draining from his shoulders. A part of me wants this moment to never end, for the wars to end and there to peace between the Undergrunge and us, and even a bigger part of me that wants Jamensee to relax, and to be happy, something which I know is an utterly selfish wish on my behalf, seeing as JJ still carries the loaded weight of his sister’s and Barren’s death on his shoulders, amongst the other losses.
I know more than anyone else about the shadows that follow you when you lose a family member, even though they’re still alive.
And I never wished JJ to feel the same.
JJ shifts, and pokes at my side, and I blink out of my reverie to see his enrapturing brown eyes pinned on mine, and he keeps staring at me till I feel my face heat up bit, and I shoot him a small smile, moving to gently brush away the hair falling on his face, moving to cup his cheek.
“Are you sure you just want me to read to you?”, I tease, rejoicing in the way I feel his face heat up under my palm, as faint red dusts his cheeks.
The corner of his mouth twitches, his face going softer as he says huffily with a hint of a smile in his voice, “I don’t know, I just wanted you to read.”
After a beat he teases, mirth dancing in his eyes that make me want to freeze this moment forever. “Don’t tell me you’re suddenly shy, Nickolai?”
Hearing my name from his lips never stops feeling musical and hot, if I’m being honest, and I just look at him, my own lips lifting up into a grin, “Shy? Who, me? Pfft never.”
Then Jamensee does something utterly unexpected; he bestows a soft yet happy smile on me, before tilting his head and bussing a quick kiss on my jaw, that leaves me frozen at the display of affection.
My face heats up, and I blink stupidly, watching with glazed eyes and thinking with a mushy brain as he slots his head into my chest again, and I only manage to snap out of the lovesick stupor when I feel him grumble into my throat, “Read to me, Nickolai.”
I smirk, feeling stupidly elated still at the affection Jamensee is freely initiating, but I still don’t give in to the urge to gently cup his face, and tilt his face, then dip down to taste his red mouth.
“Alright, your wish is my command.” I whisper softly, and couldn’t help but smile wider when he lets tired giggles escape into my skin.
“I’m not gonna start from the beginning, though. Not even for your pretty head.” I warn, though I’m smiling goofily still.
Jamensee just lets out a happy sigh, and throws his leg over mine, snuggling in closer, and oh, how I wish in that moment and countless before that he even had an inkling about how deeply it affects me, just having him in my arms, curling so trustingly into my body.
“It’s okay, I just need to hear your voice.” He mumbles sleepily, tightening his grip on my stomach, his other arm is sprawled behind him.
Feeling my heart melt in my chest at his carefree words, my throat suddenly feels too tight as I choke, “Of course, anything you want, JJ.”
I gently pull the book from where it was sandwiched between my chest and his shoulder, holding it up by its spine. My other hand starts to move in his hair, scratching at his scalp in gentle rhythms. I gently clear my throat and read in a soft voice,
“ ‘ “The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for it then — to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and — ”
Soft and too quiet puffs fill the silence of the room as I stop reading, my attention being drawn to the relaxed slope of Jamensee’s body as his chest rises and falls in an even fashion. I don’t stop petting and carding through his hair, but I soon realize he must’ve been lulled to sleep from having his hair played with and the backdrop of my soft voice.
“ ‘ never dream of regretting.’ ” I finish, bookmarking the page with the ribbon and closing the old and worn paperback, and stretching my upper body so I can deposit it carefully on the side table beside my bed.
Still staring down at the man asleep in my arms, I lean down to chance a lingering kiss on his temple, feeling his hair tickle my face.
It was such a small moment shared in a rare chance of peace, but it was something that would be interwoven into my memory, tucked safe and cherished for the times to come, as my heart and soul starts feeling whole for the first time in a long while.
I flick the light switch, bathing the room in darkness, and settle down comfortably on my pillow. I resume petting his silky mop of hair, taking the first watch for the night.