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Shouyo thinks loving Kageyama is a lot like being dropped in the middle of the ocean.
On one hand, it’s breathtaking, spread beneath a cloudless sky too wide to wrap his arms around. His love is a world of crystal clarity, endlessly deep and all-consuming. But it’s also one of extreme solitude, of lingering sea-sickness; it’s furiously waving his arms and legs, desperate to find purchase as he suffocates beneath the choppy waves. There’s nothing to hold onto, no one to help, just him and an eternal expanse of blue.
Inevitably, Kageyama leaves again, taking the ocean with him. He jets off to his next destination without so much as a phone call and Shouyou washes up on shore, coughs out the water in his lungs, and stumbles back to reality. Tells himself he’s done swimming for a while.
But if Kageyama calls, Shouyou won’t hesitate to get lost at sea.
This time around, Shouyou has been single for a whopping two days - which is a good thing, but it’s not a necessity. He’s ruined plenty of relationships in favor of chasing Kageyama and hey, he’s not proud of that. No matter how casual or brief those relationships were, they still deserved his respect. But this thing with Kageyama is bigger than that; it breaks all his rules, bends all his boundaries, it burrows into the very marrow of his bones, rearranging him cell by cell.
His friends would simply say Kageyama makes him stupid. They remind him every chance they get.
Like yesterday, when Atsumu scolded him in the locker room. Shouyou had been a little less-than discreet about rushing his post-game routine, eager to get back to his apartment where Kageyama was waiting.
He had paused for just a second, giving Atsumu ample opportunity to corner him.
“Hellooooo, Shouyou-kun,” He knocked on his forehead playfully. “We have a meeting, ya can't run out to get yer dick wet, yet.”
“What do you mean?! I’m just getting organized, you loon.” He lied easily, squeezing out a smile so wide he could bust a cheek. “‘M not doing anything, I swear.”
Atsumu’s face took a 10-meter nosedive. “Are ya lyin’ ta me, Shouyou? Oh no. Don’t tell me.” He slung an arm around his shoulders, effectively caging him in his open locker. “Tobio-kun’s in town? Don't say it, I don't think my little heart can take it!”
“Overdramatic as always, Miya.” Omi-kun mumbled from the locker next to him, Shouyou dipping below Atsumu’s arm to escape.
“See that? He’s gettin’ defensive!”.
“I'm not defensive, Atsumu-san, you’re just a sweaty mess.” Shouyou forced a laugh, but it was too fake, even for him.
“Shouyou-kun, I love ya, I really do, but this thing with Tobio ain’t good. Ya gotta’ either seal the deal or cut it off. Yer spoilin’ him, being all available at his every beck n’ call.”
“Tobio-kun’s in town? Tell him I said hi!” Bokuto bounced over to them. Winding his arm, he swatted Atsumu’s shoulder with a loud slap. “And you leave Shouyou alone! They’ve been in love for forever. And true love always takes priority over everything.”
“That ain’t love, that’s addiction.”
“I believe the term is codependency.” Omi added.
Shouyou snapped his head up from his gym bag, fully offended. He had to stomp down the urge to defend himself. “Ok enough, guys. I'm not even doing anything. I’m literally just packing up.”
“Oh, so yer not runnin’ home to get yer back blown out?”
Omi spun around, scandalized. “Really, Miya?”
“It isn’t codependency, it’s true love.” Bokuto repeated urgently. “It’s complicated!”
“Yeah, ‘m not gonna listen to a lecture on love-addiction from tha guy who got married at 20.”
“That’s why you should listen to me! I have street cred here!”
“Omi-omi, help me out! Doncha think Shouyou-kun needs to shit or get off tha pot? Ya said the other night ya did.”
“Don’t you dare drag me into this.”
They squabbled back and forth in rapid fire succession, allowing Shouyou to sneak out undetected. He decided to skip the team meeting; it’s not like him to do that, it’s really not. That’s just the effect of Kageyama again.
When he thinks about it, maybe Atsumu has a point. Kageyama brings out some uglier sides of himself - skipping meetings, cheating, lying, fighting. But it's not Kageyama’s fault. It’s Shouyou who stops the world for Kageyama. Shouyou, who pants open-mouthed at the prospect of a hookup whenever they’re in the same city. Shouyou, who can't muster the courage to tell him he wants more. Shouyou, who settles for casual sex anyway.
Shouyou, who chooses to get his heart broken again and again.
But the ache to be with Kageyama isn’t really a choice, it’s almost primal, pavlovian. Ring a bell and he’ll salivate. And Shouyou isn’t one to deny himself of his basic needs - it’s ingrained in his system as a professional athlete. Even if it means breaking the rules. And drowning a bit in the process.
Shouyou shakes himself from his thoughts. Why is he even thinking when he has a gorgeous naked man in his bed right now? He reaches out to graze his fingers along Kageyama’s collarbone, idly watching the rise and fall of his chest as he sleeps. He has no idea what time it is since he shut his phone off last night; best to avoid the onslaught of judgemental texts from his gossipy teammates.
But they don’t see the whole picture. He and Tobio have been in relationship-limbo since high school. Although they’ve never talked about the elephant-sized thing wedged between them, Shouyou knows. Knows distance is a problem. Knows volleyball comes first. Knows they can’t speak this thing into existence or risk making it even more painful.
Oh, and is it painful. When they’re apart, Shouyou yearns, like a teen girl in a romance novel. He obsesses over his phone, over every article published about Tobio. He hears himself talk about him constantly, annoyingly.
He cries. A lot.
His friends may see the fallout of Tobio’s love, sure. But they will never know what it’s like to be with him. To be Tobio Kageyama’s best friend, having full access to his secrets and his inner-thoughts. To be the sole keeper of his undivided attention, to be sought out by the man who prefers isolation. Kageyama isn’t addictive, he’s more like an invasive species, taking root and flowering up inside Shouyou, wrapping around his heart and squeezing until he sees stars.
And the way Tobio looks when he’s vulnerable is something magical. When he allows Shouyou into his mind and bed - the arch of his neck, or the flutter of his dark eyelashes, or the press of teeth on his bottom lip. Tobio is unbelievable when he drops his guard, when he sweats off the glue that holds him together.
He’s good to Shouyou, too. Knows him inside and out, like he’s practiced all his life for him. He works Shouyou like a combination of a lock; eleven seconds of sucking his neck, thirty seconds of pulling his hair, five seconds of whining his name and Shouyou pops open, Tobio crawling in and curling up right in between his ribs.
Tobio’s love overtakes him like a storm on the sea, until he breaks the surface gasping for air.
Rationalizing their relationship doesn’t make it easier. He’s not so far gone as to think their current setup is healthy - he knows it isn’t. But he nurtures a spark of hope, shields it from the storm, believes with all his might that it’ll ignite into a real relationship someday. When they’re more established in their careers, maybe. Or when they retire at the ripe age of 30-something. Or even if it takes longer than that, when they’re 85, 90, 100. He’ll wait.
He walks his fingers down Tobio’s chest and pointedly ignores the rosy sunrise leaking onto his skin from behind the curtains. Shouyou exhales slowly.
He wishes morning wouldn’t mean goodbye.
Kageyama stirs then, right on cue. His eyes blink open slowly, a small smile curving at his lips that round into a yawn. He claps a palm to Shouyou’s cheek. “Mornin’.”
A groan swells in Shouyou’s throat, words sticking to the back of his tongue. He wiggles harder into Tobio’s side, his spine twitching when a hand draws lazy circles on his hip. The only word he wants to say is stay.
Maybe it’s time he does.
“Kageyama?”
“Hm?” He nods deliriously.
“Tobio.” His eyebrows bunch together, “Listen. I have something important to say.”
He yawns again and gently pats Shouyou’s cheek a few times. “Ok, then say it, stupid.”
Suddenly Shouyou is miles from the shore, surrounded by the roar of water pressing down on him. His head bobs under, swallowing the salty tide; using the last of his breath, he pushes the words out all in one go. “I should have told you a long time ago, but I think -”
“Don’t.” Tobio, now wide awake, presses his thumb firmly against Shouyou’s lips, eyes darkening.
His chest caves in, and it hurts, it really does.
“Not now.” Tobio amends, his mouth going wobbly.
“Then when?” Shouyou whispers against him. Tobio thinks deeply for a few, eternal seconds, but Shouyou can’t wait him out when there’s panic bubbling up his esophagus.
So he bites his thumb.
“OuCH! Wh-What the fuck was that for?!” Kageyama yanks his hand away, elbowing Shouyou to put some distance between them. “Why did you bite me, you idiot?”
“You asked for it!”
“You’re like a goddamn child. Or a wild animal! You better not have rabies.”
“Guess you’ll find out, wontcha, Bakageyama?” Shouyou invades his space, hands all over him. “Maybe it’s worse, maybe I’m a vampire and you’re about to turn!”
“That's a bite on the neck, moron.”
“Ok.” Shouyou grins wildly, latching onto Kageyama’s neck and biting down. Tobio yells around laughter, sliding his fingers into Shouyou’s scalp and pulling. Hard.
It’s a wrestling match now, fists punching, legs kicking, hair yanking - Kageyama eventually gets the upper hand and drives Shouyou into the bed, pinning him down with a knee, both hands gripping the sides of his face. Tobio takes a deep breath and mashes their foreheads together.
“Stupid…” he mumbles, voice still frothy with laughter, breath hot on Shouyou’s lips.
When Tobio leans in to kiss him, it’s like being together on the court. It’s the buzz in his ears, the wind hitting his cheeks, the slice of a ball to his palm. It’s the heat of the stadium lights warming him to his core. It’s the certainty that when he leaps - flies across the court, Tobio will be there.
They break apart, breathless and red-faced, Tobio refusing to meet his eyes; he dips his head lower to kiss along his jaw, under his ear, down his neck. Shouyou tilts his head, allowing him free reign, melting under the touch. He feels Tobio quiver, his breath trembling as he mouths the dip of his throat. He whispers something unintelligible into Shouyou’s skin.
It sounds a lot like I love you.
“Tobio?” He frantically grabs at his shoulders, trying to pull him up. He needs to see his face.
Tobio looks up, blinking around wet eyelashes. Like he’s crying. “I have to go. My train leaves at 8.”
Turning to stone, he stiffly rolls off Shouyou to card through their clothes. It always hurts to watch him shimmy into his sweats so fast he could start a fire, as if he’s desperate to leave. But this time, Shouyou’s just confused.
He lies there a helpless mess of unraveling feelings, while Tobio puts himself back together piece by piece. He conjures up some ultimate brain power, willing Tobio to stay and talk this out, a chorus in his mind chanting don’t go don’t go don’t go. He wishes for any higher power to stop all the trains, for a blizzard to hit, or maybe a tsunami, or any divine intervention that would let him keep Tobio. Just for another night. His head starts to hurt.
“What time do you fly out next week?” He asks, deciding to act normal despite the itching notion that Tobio had said I love you. This reality is already stretched so thin it could snap, so he can't take any risks. Maybe he even hallucinated it. Maybe it’s the sea-sickness.
“Flight’s at 5 am.” Tobio throws his shirt over his head, draping over abs that beg to be touched.
Shouyou picks at a hangnail. “Want me to take you?”
Tobio pauses, then shakes his head as if to dislodge a persistent thought. “I don’t know, Shouyou…”
“Will you call me when you're in Italy? We could facetime! I looked up the time difference, it’s only like 7 hours. Totally doable.” He’s trying anything to stay afloat.
Tobio shrugs. “We can try.”
It sounds so honest. Shouyou is just stupid enough to believe him.
He curls up against his pillow and breathes in the lingering smell of Tobio. The National team’s season will be starting up soon. They’ll always have the Olympics, too. He clings to that thought like a lifeline.
“Hey Tobio–”
He isn't sure what he was going to say, the thought melting away like smoke when Tobio’s mouth smashes against his.
He usually never kisses goodbye.
Tobio pulls away to look at him, hand cradling the back of Shouyou’s neck. He presses their foreheads together again. “Soon.”
“Huh?” Shouyou says intelligently.
“T-that’s my answer. To your question? Earlier?” Each word is tight and pained, grinding out through his teeth. “Tell me again soon.” And then a whisper, “Please. I hope that’s enough.”
Bitter tears fill Shouyou’s sinuses. He traces a thumb under Tobio’s eyes, down his cheek. “I’ll be here.” He swallows, “I’m always here.”
Tobio straightens up and nods, turning away.
“See you later, Hinata.”
“Later, Kageyama.”
Breathing in water, Shouyou sinks to the ocean floor.